“I’m not the right guy for you.”
“Because I’m not good enough for you?” I blurted, letting everything just come tumbling out because I had nothing to lose at this point. “Because you’re this super-hot heart surgeon who comes from a good family, and I’m just…an assistant?” Was I stupid for thinking that I deserved him because Emerson was loved and accepted by Derek even though she wasn’t a rocket scientist? Was I stupid for thinking I could ever land a guy like Dex when I wasn’t Miss Whatever?
His features crumbled into a look of pure confusion. “What? No, that’s not at all what I mean. And that’s also just not true, Sicily. It’s the other way around, alright? I don’t deserve you.”
That sounded like a cheap-ass excuse, and I was sure the expression on my face told him that. “You could just say you aren’t interested, Dex. You don’t have to make this up—”
“I’m serious.” He stepped closer to me, his eyes growing more intense than before. “I’m just looking to get laid right now. I meet a woman in a bar, she stays over the weekend, and then I never see her again. That’s all I can offer you—and you deserve better.”
“Because of her…right?” I hated that stupid cunt with every fiber of my being. If she hadn’t left him, I wouldn’t be standing in his office right now, but I still hated her with all that I had.
He dropped his gaze the second she was mentioned. “I just… I’m not looking for something more right now. And I’m pretty sure I never will. I have no heart to give, not because it’s broken, but because it’s gone—”
“That’s not true. I see your heart every single day in everything that you do.”
“It’s…it’s not the same thing. I’ve only been in one relationship in my entire life, because it was deep, because it was emotional, because it was a commitment I wanted to make. It consumes all of you, to be that attached to another person, to be in the moment with them every single day. I literally can’t do that again…not ever.” He pleaded with his eyes, like he wished I would understand. “If you get involved with me, it only ends one way. I will break your heart, Sicily. And…” He dropped his gaze again. “You’re the last person in the world I would ever, ever hurt…because I care about you deeply.”
It was so painful to be so close to what I wanted, but I couldn’t actually reach out and touch it, couldn’t actually feel it with my fingertips. My eyes started to water, and I blinked a couple times to keep the emotion back.
Dex kept his eyes down, like he wanted to pretend he didn’t notice. “If we were just two people attracted to each other who wanted to bang it out over the weekend, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. But that’s not how it is between us.”
Because there was more. “Dex, I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not asking for a deep commitment that will last a lifetime. I’m just asking for a beginning, an opportunity to see where it might go…that’s all.”
He kept his gaze down. “I don’t think you understand—”
“I understand that you let that heartless bitch take everything from you, take away your passion at the expense of your soul and others. But don’t let her take away your ability to love another person, because you deserve to be happy, because you deserve to be with a woman who truly, unconditionally loves you.” Someone like me. “I know you don’t believe in marriage anymore, but look at your parents…look at your brother.”
He lifted his chin and looked at me, releasing a quiet sigh. “I understand what you’re saying, and maybe someday I’ll feel differently about that, but I’ve been divorced for a little over a year. A year.” His eyes darkened in agitation, annoyed that I didn’t understand. “I’m in no position for something serious, to offer you anything other than a long night on my sheets, and you deserve the world, Sicily.”
“I deserve the best guy I know—and that’s you.”
He shook his head. “I’m fucked up, and I’m going to be fucked up for a long time. Yes, I care about my patients, would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it, but when it comes to this…I’m a fucking asshole.”
The conversation was over, and I knew it. I would never get what I wanted out of him. It was hopeless.
He stared at me with that same agitated expression, hoping that he got through to me.
“Dex, what I’m about to say has nothing to do with us. I know she really hurt you, traumatized you, fucked you up badly… But someone who really loves you would never do that. Don’t be afraid to try again someday, even if it’s with someone other than me. Because you deserve to be loved the way you love other people. You deserve to have someone who has your back through and through. And I believe that you will find that someday…if you let it happen.”
12
Dex
It was awkward for a couple days.
That was the first time I’d turned down a woman so beautiful, other than when I was married. Not only was Sicily sexy as hell, but she had a good heart, someone who was perfect at my side because we shared the same values.
It was hard to say no. It really was.
But I knew how it felt to have your heart ripped out of your chest, and I would never do that to someone else. I couldn’t in good conscience agree to anything with her, not when I was broken like this, not when there was no chance I could give her more.
It wouldn’t be right.
When I was in my lab at the research center, she stopped by and gave me an update on messages and other important things. “Mr. Garcia called. He said he’s having some chest pain and wanted to talk to you about it. His follow-up appointment isn’t until next week—”
“That’s fine. Set up a virtual appointment so I can see him.” If my patients ever felt any doubt about their condition, especially after surgery, I was happy to evaluate them and put them at ease. If they are stressed, their blood pressure will rise, and their anxiety will cause unnecessary damage when they should be resting.
“Okay. And your lunch is on your desk. Do you want to eat before?”
“Yes. I’m starving.”
“Alright.” She turned away and walked out.
I followed a moment later, feeling the difference in our relationship. We were both professional, getting along just fine, but she had pulled away, physically and emotionally, and while it sucked, I knew it was for the best.
I missed the way it used to be, though.
I joined her in my office and ate my lunch, eggplant parmesan with garlic bread, and she worked on my computer to set up my appointment with Mr. Garcia, who’d had an operation last week. When it was ready to go, she called him from the phone on my desk and walked him through the setup until he was on the screen.
“Dr. Hamilton will be with you in a moment, alright?” She had the screen turned away so he couldn’t see me.
“Whoa, I’m already going to see him?” Mr. Garcia asked.
“Yep,” she said with a nod. “Dr. Hamilton is always there for his patients.”
“Yeah, he sure is.”
She stepped away from my desk then let herself out.
I finished my last couple bites before I wiped my face and turned the screen toward me. “Hey, Mr. Garcia. Sicily tells me you’re having some chest pain. Can you talk to me about it?” We spoke for a couple minutes, and everything he described were symptoms of anxiety, not a cardiac issue.
But I understood. The guy just had heart surgery, he was nervous, it happened.
“So, what do you think?” Mr. Garcia asked. “Should I be concerned?”
I shook my head. “I think you’re just under some stress. I’m pretty confident that everything is well with your heart. You’re dealing with some anxiety, which is okay. You’ve been through a lot.”
We talked for a little while longer until he signed off.
Sicily returned a moment later, in a loose sweater that hung off one shoulder and tight jeans underneath with heels. She had her folders and notebook with her, carrying it everywhere she went. She took a seat across from me, her e
yes directed to her notes, where they usually remained these days so she could avoid eye contact with me. “I’ve got everything ready for the dinner next Saturday. I’ve got the guest list, took care of the flowers, the decorations, the food, all the good stuff. But is there something you want me to pick up for you? Something to wear?”
I rolled my head back and sighed. “Fuck, I have to wear a suit. Man, I hate that shit.”
She gave a slight smile. “Yeah, I figured.”
“Yeah. I have one in my closet.”
“Maybe we should get you something new, something fitted.”
I didn’t care about appearances and all that bullshit, but I just went with it. “Sure.”
“And your TED Talk is scheduled for tomorrow. They’re filming in the morning.”
I totally forgot about that.
She had a knowing look in her eyes, like she’d suspected that would happen. “I got the questions beforehand so you’d be able to think about your responses.” She pulled them out of her folder and set them on the desk. “But even if you did this on the fly, I’m sure you’d be great.”
I grabbed the paper but didn’t read it. “I thought I had residency tomorrow.”
“I had someone else fill in for you. And have you considered the documentary further?”
“Um…I guess it’s fine. But they can’t feature anything about my personal life at all. Otherwise, I walk.”
“I don’t think that will be a problem.” She made the note anyway. “Well, is there anything else you need before I go? I’m meeting the decorator at the Four Seasons to go over a couple things.”
I shook my head. “Nope. You took care of everything.”
She didn’t smile at my comment and rose to her feet so she could leave. “How’s Mr. Garcia doing?”
I didn’t like the way she deflected my statement, but she had every right to close off from me. “Just some anxiety.”
“I’m surprised he can’t tell the difference between anxiety and a cardiac event.” She was possessive of my time and didn’t like it when anyone wasted it, even if it was just for a couple seconds.
I shrugged. “Anxiety is complicated, and we still don’t really understand it. It’s pretty amazing how a mental state can trigger this physical reaction, even pain. My job as a physician isn’t just to heal people, but to ease their doubts and fears so they can be in a good cognitive state. The mind is a powerful thing, and if that’s compromised, if there are doubts and negativity, it can affect the recovery process. So, it’s really no big deal.”
She held the folder to her chest with both arms, her guard dropping for a moment as her softness came through in her gaze. “I never really thought about it that way. I think most doctors aren’t that compassionate. But you are. I don’t know why I continue to be surprised by it.” She turned away before I had a chance to react to her words, and it seemed like she wanted to leave the office as quickly as possible, like she couldn’t have allowed me to see even that momentarily glimpse of affection.
I sat at the table alone with my beer in front of me, waiting for Derek to return from the bar with his second round. I looked out the window into the January fog once again, barely able to decipher the cars that drove by. I felt lost, despite the fact that I was back at work, back at my research, back to living my life rather than just existing.
Derek returned, but he wasn’t alone. “Denise, this is my brother, Dex.”
I turned to look at her, seeing a pretty blonde who was totally my type. But then again, all women were my type. “Uh, hi.” I leaned forward and shook her hand, then waited for my brother to explain how he knew this very attractive woman in a bar.
Derek looked at me. “I told her I was married but said I would introduce her to my very single brother to make up for her disappointment.” He fell into the chair across from me, holding his glass of scotch.
“Oh.” I stared at her blankly, unsure what to do now, which was odd because I always knew what to do. I just had to be myself and turn on the charm, and after a couple hours, we would both be naked in my apartment, on the couch, the armchair, the dining table…all over the place.
Denise’s smile wavered when I didn’t look giddy to meet her. “Bad time?”
My mind was still drawing a blank, as if I’d lost my ability to talk. “Actually, yeah. Maybe another time.”
She was either pissed off at my reaction or she just took a major hit to her self-esteem. When I turned back to Derek, he was looking at me with a distinct expression.
An expression that clearly said What the fuck was that?
“Should you be drinking scotch on a Wednesday—”
“Care to explain what just happened?”
“What? Do I have to go after every single woman I see?” I asked incredulously.
“No. But you do.”
“Well, maybe she’s not my type.”
Both of his eyebrows rose. “You told me they’re all your type.”
“Look, I’m just not in the mood, alright? Drop it.”
“I know you aren’t,” he snapped. “You’ve been down this entire time. I’ve just been waiting for you to tell me why.”
My elbows rested on the table, and I looked down into my drink. “Just been a long week…”
“Yeah?”
I played with the bottle between my hands before I leaned back and looked at him. “A couple days ago, Sicily came into my office and…basically told me how she felt.”
Derek didn’t ask for specifics because he already seemed to know.
“I wish she hadn’t.”
“You wish that a woman you’re very attracted to hadn’t told you that she wants to be with you, something you already knew even if you want to pretend like you didn’t?” he asked, being a sarcastic son of a bitch.
“You’re one to talk, asshole.” That was a dark couple months, when Derek went off the deep end and decided to be a ginormous asshole who was solely intent on destruction. He’d checked out mentally and backtracked by a decade.
“Exactly. Don’t be like me.”
I looked at my beer.
“You called me out on my shit, and I didn’t listen. Now, it’s my turn to call you out.”
“Not the same whatsoever. That shit happened with Tabitha ten years before you were ready to be in a relationship again. It’s been a year for me. A year. And I was actually married for a couple years. Not the same. It’s waaaaay too soon to jump into something when I’ve been divorced for a year.”
“Way too soon?” he asked incredulously. “Yes, it’s way too soon for you to get married again. But it’s not too soon to be with someone you like and to see where it goes. I wasn’t in the room, but I can confidently tell you that Sicily didn’t get down on one knee and propose to you. Just take her to dinner, spend time with her, have a conversation. You’ll never be ready for anything more unless you take steps in the right direction. I probably would have been a terminal bachelor if I hadn’t been forced into my relationship with Emerson. Before we ever touched each other, we were in a relationship, even if I didn’t realize it. A relationship is not the combination of two bodies, but two minds, two souls. It’s talking, sharing, invisible affection, friendship. Then it got to the point where I didn’t really have a say in the matter. I found a woman I wanted, and I literally had no other option but to be with her. Do I have any regrets? Fuck. No.” He raised his left hand and turned his wrist to show off his ring. “The happiest I’ve ever been.”
“Been there, man.”
When he realized his mistake, he lowered his hand and gave a sigh. “She wasn’t the right one, Dex. In our family, that’s how it always goes. The first one is wrong, but the second one is perfect. The next woman will be everything you want, whether it’s Sicily or somebody else.”
My family continued to tell me that, but I couldn’t believe it.
“So, what happened? The poor girl told you how she felt, and you just…shot her down?”
“No. I told her the t
ruth—I’m not ready.”
“Dex, I’ve heard you say how hot she is like five times—”
“Because she is hot. Fucking bangin’.”
“And she seems like a good person, too.”
“Yeah. She’s the best.” I felt like I was Batman and she was Robin. She cared about my work with all her heart, was in the profession for the right reasons, cared about every patient like she was the one cutting them open too. It was hard for me to be around other professionals who only cared about their bottom line because I just didn’t care about those things, so having a team that shared my values was important. And the fact that she had a hole in her heart that needed surgery made me connect to her, even though she’d never been my patient. There was a bond there now.
Derek cocked his head slightly, his eyebrows raised in pure surprise. “So, she’s bangin’ and she’s the best…and you aren’t going to go for it.”
I dropped my gaze and stared at my beer. “It’s one thing to be with someone and not know where it’s going to go because all possibilities are on the table. It’s another to be with someone when you know how it’s going to end—and not end well. We’ll be together for a while, and then I’ll dump her.”
“Why are you so certain you’re gonna dump her?”
I shrugged. “Because it’s just going to make me realize I’m not ready for a relationship. I really loved what I had with Catherine, and unless I can be that connected to another person again, I don’t want to bother. How do you think that will make Sicily feel? To know I’m always comparing her to my ex-wife and what we had…and knowing it’s not the same.”
“It’s not supposed to be the same. It’s supposed to be better.”
“Well, I’m just not there.” I shook my head. “I’m not even close. I still think about my marriage a lot, replay that day over and over in my head. It haunts me that if I’d just let another doctor do the operation, I would still be married right now.”
Derek turned quiet.
I continued to stare at my beer.
The Doctor Who Has No Closure (Soulless Book 10) Page 13
