Hannah’s voice became softer. “But you have slept with girls before, haven’t you?” A trickle of accusation spilled out into her words.
Curt gripped the phone tighter. “Yes. I have.”
“How many?”
“Two.” Curt sat on his bed and ran his fingers across his bedspread, fearing how this revelation would impact Hannah’s opinion of him. But if their relationship went anywhere, she’d find out eventually. Better to get it all out in the open. “You should know, I’m not ashamed by that number. Not by how high or low someone might think it is. It’s the right number for me.”
Hannah didn’t touch that statement. Given her worldview, there was probably no way she could endorse him sleeping with anyone. “Alexis was one of them?”
“Yes, we dated for almost a year. So we did sleep with each other.”
Another moment passed. “Who’s the other?”
“I don’t know if I can tell you.”
“I thought you weren’t embarrassed by it.”
“It’s not for me, it’s for her.” Curt considered his next words carefully. He could have told Hannah it wasn’t her business. She didn’t have the right to know. But he didn’t. “If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone. Do you promise?”
“Of course.”
“It was Kate,” he said sheepishly.
“Kate? I thought she wasn’t into, you know…”
“Penises?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s not. But when we were sophomores, Kate was confused about her sexuality. She thought that maybe she needed a trial run with a guy to know for sure. We were friends, both of us were virgins, she trusted me, so she asked if we could do it.”
Hannah merely listened. She didn’t rush in with proclamations of judgment, though Curt still suspected she was uncomfortable with his sexual history. That made sense. She’d been trained to think the ideal was a pure, virgin partner. Curt already lacked the faith that she desired in a boyfriend. Now, he lacked the chastity, too.
Despite all this, Curt chuckled as he recalled his awkward first time with Kate. God, they were so nervous. His fingers had trembled as he touched her body. Afterward, they spoke frankly about the encounter, detailing what worked and didn’t. Kate gave Curt a crash course on the female body. So helpful was Kate’s advice that Curt concluded every straight guy needed a lesbian friend. He also always appreciated the irony that having sex with him had convinced Kate she was gay. If Curt had a lower self-esteem, he might have taken that fact personally.
“Of course, I think trying to figure out if you’re straight by having sex with a virgin guy isn’t the best test. We’re not exactly renown for our performance.”
“Don’t you regret that your first time was with someone you were never going to end up with, someone you didn’t love? I mean, sex should be special, sacred.”
“I do love Kate. Maybe not like that, and the feeling is definitely mutual. But she is important to me. Honestly, I don’t regret anything. I’m glad I could help her out. I learned some things in the process, like how to better make a woman feel good, so I figure the experience helped both of us.”
Hannah went quiet on the other end. Curt wished they were having this conversation face to face, so he could gauge her non-verbal responses. Did she understand where he was coming from? Or had she already written him off?
“Does knowing about my past affect the way you look at me?” Curt asked, inching toward the edge of his bed.
The resulting silence answered his question. His heart sank, though, once again, he shouldn’t have been surprised.
Finally, Hannah spoke. “I wish it didn’t, Curt. I wish I could just shrug this off and think it wasn’t a big deal. But what if these choices we make affect who we become? What if we don’t get to take them back? They’ve done studies and found the more sexual partners someone has before marriage, the less happy your marriage will be.”
In a sense, Hannah was appealing to grounds that might sway his opinion. She was referencing research, not the Bible. He almost asked Hannah to cite her source, to prove the validity of her claims. But for a moment, he wondered if she was right. Not about God, necessarily, but about some of these long-standing cultural norms that seemed to be falling by the wayside more and more as the years ticked by—that the number of sexual partners people had before marriage really could adversely affect them and their marriages. Even if she wasn’t right, the truth crystallized to Curt: he wasn’t what she wanted.
“Well, I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Curt said after releasing a sigh. “And to tell you I’m sorry for the way you were treated at the SSA meeting. It wasn’t right.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay.”
“Good. Then goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Curt dropped back onto his bed. Irreconcilable differences. Wasn’t that why most marriages or relationships failed in the end? Two people just had different beliefs or expectations for life and couldn’t resolve them.
The differences creating a wide gulf between Hannah and Curt didn’t matter, anyway. Graduation loomed, less than a month away. They’d go their separate ways. As tantalizing as these moments with Hannah had been, in the end, they were just that: moments.
20
Snooping
Hannah hung up with Curt. The information that he’d slept with girls before gnawed at her brain, despite the fact that she shouldn’t have been shocked. What did Christians always say about atheists? That they were immoral. In fact, most in Hannah’s church believed atheists denied God so that they could partake in as much sin as they wanted. If anything, she should have been surprised he had only slept with two girls, given his good looks and reasonable degree of charm.
As Hannah paced the limited confines of her bedroom, her unrest over Curt’s past sexual acts transitioned into unrest over the purported email about her father’s online viewing history. She didn’t believe Greg’s charges—not even a bit. But if he’d really received such an email, who else had? Anonymous rumors like this could ruin her father’s career, leaving his image smeared and perceived integrity compromised.
Hannah traipsed downstairs but everything was dark. Neither he nor Samuel had been home when she entered the house after school. She approached the kitchen window, which looked out at the church next door. Lights were on in the office area. Nothing was scheduled for Thursday nights at the church.
Slipping out the backdoor, Hannah emerged into the cool of the evening. A comforting breeze rippled the leaves slightly. A handful of cars dotted the church parking lot. She recognized a few of the vehicles, which belonged to elders in the church. Six men served alongside her father, governing the church. The beginning of her father’s tenure had been tumultuous, shaded with various infighting as people on the elder board jockeyed for power and influence.
Hannah’s mother confessed to being so concerned over her husband’s wellbeing that she snuck into the room next to where the elders met so she could overhear their conversations. The meeting place hadn’t changed over the years, even if the atmosphere of the church had lightened.
Hannah crept down the hallway toward the offices. Voices emanated from the meeting room, more charged than she would have wished. She shuffled into the darkened room next to where the elders met and huddled into the corner, far away from the door.
“Go ahead,” boomed her father. “Check my computer. I have nothing to hide.”
Her heart raced. They were discussing the email. Apparently, the elders already knew about it. Who else had received it? Perhaps the email had spread further than Hannah would have ever guessed. That was the thing about the internet; it only took a click to push the email forward to dozens or even hundreds at a time.
“Your browser history has been deleted,” thundered another voice.
Elder Elijah Jones. His personality was as severe as his old testament inspired name suggested. Jones had been a thorn in her father’s flesh since he was installed as pa
stor.
“I never deleted it,” Caleb Wilson protested.
“Nevertheless it’s empty. You must know how this looks.”
“One of our computers was compromised. It’s not a stretch to think this one was, too.” This third voice was softer, barely audible through the paper-thin wall separating Hannah’s current location from the elder’s meeting. This was Elder Quinton O’Brien. A kind and generous man, O’Brien had always been a source of encouragement to the entire Wilson family.
“Perhaps so, but this means we can’t vouch for your innocence,” Jones said.
“You could simply believe me. I feel like I’ve earned your trust over the years,” her father said.
“Our belief in you would be irrelevant when so many people have received this email,” Jones retorted, ducking the question of whether he truly trusted the reverend. “It seems that over half the town has received it.”
Over half the town! Who could have done such a cruel thing? She knew who Jake Ankiel and her brother would connect to such nefarious activities: atheists. After the terrible way Greg had treated her at the SSA meeting, she was much more likely to believe her brother and his friend’s claims now.
The voices became more chaotic and harder to distinguish. She’d heard enough, anyway. Unable to bear the pain her father must have been suffering, Hannah escaped out the door and back into the night.
As she ascended the concrete steps leading to her house, a masculine voice called her name. She turned to see Jake approaching. He was dressed in a dark polo shirt and khaki cargo shorts.
“Hi,” Hannah said, flipping her hair behind her ear. “Samuel isn’t home.”
Jake nodded. “That’s okay. I came to see you.”
“Oh.” Hannah crossed her arms and waited for Jake to speak, her heart rate proactively accelerating.
“I wanted to apologize for last night,” he stammered.
Jake always seemed less sure of himself in front of Hannah. But he also appeared genuinely remorseful for his actions.
“Okay,” she said, unsure of what she should say. Her anger over the incident at youth group that left Curt with a black eye had subsequently been replaced by other concerns.
Jake stepped closer to her. “I was mad at him because I felt like he came to show us up.”
“He came because I invited him,” Hannah said coldly.
“I know.” He glanced down at the ground before meeting her eyes again. “That’s the other reason why I blew up. I didn’t like the way he looked at you. Honestly, I got a little jealous.”
Despite how frequently Jane poked fun at him, Jake had never publicly admitted her feelings to Hannah before. She tensed up, wondering what his next words would be. This moment felt climatic.
“You know I like you, right?” he asked. “I’ve been interested in you for a long time. You’re beautiful, and you’re a woman who seeks after God. I’ve waited my entire life for someone like you.”
Regardless of her decidedly mixed feelings for Jake over the years and the fact that “all his life” definitely counted as a relative term, his words passed through Hannah like a wave. This was what every Christian girl wanted to hear. Or at least it was what Hannah wanted to hear. She gazed into Jake’s brown eyes and strong features.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” Jake asked.
Before that, he hadn’t asked for anything specific, though his declaration did beg for a response.
“I’m leaving for college in a few months,” Hannah replied. “Why did you wait until now?”
Granted, if he had revealed his true feelings the previous summer, she wasn’t sure that would have changed the equation much.
“Well, that’s why I’m telling you now. I’ve been thinking of you going away, and it makes me really sad. I want you to be in my life, Hannah. And I want to be in yours.”
He took another step toward her. His proximity confused Hannah further. She caught a slight whiff of his sweet cologne.
“Do you think we could try going out, with your father’s permission of course? Maybe we could spend the rest of the summer getting to know each other and see where it leads.”
Now she had to say something. This should have been a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. “Uh, I don’t know, Jake. I’m not saying no, but I need to think about it.”
He swallowed hard and forced a smile, trying to conceal his disappointment she didn’t jump at the chance. But he recovered quickly with a newfound confidence.
“You and I work, Hannah. That’s what I believe. If you need time to think about it, that’s no problem,” he said gallantly. “I’ve waited for you this long, I can wait a little longer.”
Again, Jake’s words sent a small tremor of excitement through Hannah. It was nice to be wanted. But did she want Jake? She wasn’t sure and was equally unsure of what would convince her. Maybe a date or two would be helpful. The two didn’t really know each other. They’d barely ever carried a conversation alone. Hannah knew things about Jake but not Jake himself. She bid him goodnight and felt his eyes tracking her movements as she entered the house, now with one more thing to think about.
21
Midnight Texts
Curt’s buzzing phone woke him in the middle of the night. Usually, he slept through minor disruptions like this one. Not tonight, though, as he continued to struggle with the vacuum in his house left by his father’s passing. His earlier conversation with Hannah hadn’t helped, either. Thus, as the phone continued to vibrate, Curt reached for it.
I think I was wrong about you. About us.
Hannah? Was this Hannah?
Then he focused on the text. When he did so, and some of the resulting grogginess from being woken up past midnight dissipated, he realized the source of the text: it had originated not from Hannah, but from Alexis.
I know this is coming to you in the middle of the night and you might not read this right away, but I had to say it now. I’ve been thinking about us. About our first time. Do you remember?
The answer was yes, even if the first time she was referencing wasn’t clear. He recalled their first kiss, a stolen moment in a secluded part of the school. He remembered the gray tank top she’d been wearing, the sweet smell of her perfume, and the waxy texture of her lipstick. Then there was the smile on her face when their lips parted.
He remembered the first time they made love, an occasion both spontaneous and planned. Spurred on by his parents to have an honest conversation with Alexis, Curt broached the subject of sex well before their clothes came off. His parents wanted him to be prepared. They never knew about his encounter with Kate and thought Alexis would be his first. The couple decided they were ready, though never set a date. For weeks, Curt researched the best ways to give a woman pleasure, hoping he could execute this newfound knowledge when the moment came.
So when he walked her home on a rainy autumn night to find her parents out for the evening, their trajectory became clear. His heart rate started racing preemptively, becoming almost unbearable when Alexis turned toward him and said in a husky voice, “My clothes are wet. Can you help me out of them?” She reached her arms up, giving Curt full access to the damp long-sleeved tee clinging to her body.
Go slow, his mind urged even as his body threatened to barrel ahead into the encounter. Touch every inch of her. Enjoy your first glimpse of her naked body. Don’t rush this. It doesn’t happen every day. This attention to detail helped Curt focus on the fact he remembered most vividly. Usually confident and sitting in the driver’s seat of their relationship, Alexis’ lips trembled right before they made love. Sure, this movement might have been caused by her wet clothes and the dipping fall temperatures. But the uncertainty in her eyes suggested a vulnerability. Curt had never seen Alexis that way before.
In terms of performance and outcome, it might not have been their best or creative round of sex. But it had felt exceptionally meaningful. Until that moment when Alexis texted him past midnight, when her words generated a glimmer
of hope their relationship could be rekindled, that tender first time with Alexis had been shaded by bitterness and pain. It was a moment he could never recreate, that had been lost to the past forever.
The powerful sensations passing over Curt made him realize how desperately he wanted that kind of love again. Still reeling from the loss of his dad, Curt needed to fill the gaps in his life—as best he could. Maybe that explained his recent attraction to Hannah.
Thus, it would have been so easy to fall back into his relationship with Alexis. She’d broken up with him because she doubted the strength of her feelings toward him. If that question had been answered, then what would keep them apart? Once again, he could sit with her at lunch, hang out with her after school, and make love to her. All it would take was a text from him.
But a question plagued Curt’s mind: why now? Did his father’s death prompt Alexis’ change of heart? Perhaps. Timewise, there was certainly a connection. Did that make him an object of pity to her? Did his burgeoning relationship with Hannah, which had created a stir in the hallways of Beaumont High among people who knew them, force Alexis to confront her feelings for him? Had he provoked her jealousy? Would that mean their relationship wasn’t strong, that this was merely Alexis not wanting anyone else to have him, either?
In the end, did any of this matter? Curt’s rational side saw this potential relapse with Alexis for what it was. Whatever happened between them, it probably wouldn’t survive the summer. Alexis was headed off to James Madison University in Virginia for college. But maybe that was okay. All things in life possessed an expiration date. Such an enticing scenario would get him through the next few months.
Curt didn’t text Alexis back that night. This was a conversation better experienced face to face. Besides, he didn’t know what he’d say, yet. He needed time to think.
He also thought of Hannah. That moment in the hallway, where he sobbed in her arms as she ran the delicate tips of fingers across the back of his neck lingered in his mind. Never had Curt felt so loved and cared for in his life. Even if it was a mirage destined to be burned away by the summer sun.
Across the Western Sky Page 11
