It all made sense, except that it was ridiculous, like the ridiculous logic of paranoia. The notion that she was not as much a person as, say, her brothers . . . or, to go one step away, that Esmay Suiza was less a person than Barin Serrano . . . was absurd. She knew that. She knew how to demonstrate that, if only she could have explained; she was sure that every woman in the nursery would understand, if only . . .
But she was mute, all her knowledge and intelligence locked away. In her world, in the world she knew, the individual’s voice was honored; parents and teachers and therapists like those who had worked with Lady Cecelia tried to ensure that each person had every opportunity to communicate. She remembered Cecelia’s struggles, and the many who had helped her. Here, no one thought an abomination had anything useful to say. As long as she could understand and obey, that was enough.
She ached, burned, to free this world’s women . . . to show them that they were as human as men. In her mind, in the dark hours, she made all the speeches, wrote all the lectures, proved over and over and over again to an audience of shadows what she could never say.
In the daytime, Brun forced herself to walk on the gritty paths, toughening her feet as well as her legs, whenever exercise was permitted. She walked in all weathers, even when frost and snow numbed her to the knees before she was halfway to the first trees. The twins weighed her down-but she thought of them like the heavy packs in training. Additional strength would come from lugging them around . . . she would be stronger sooner, and more able to escape. Twice a day she walked the length of the orchard and back . . . soon she could walk farther, in the lengthening days that must mean a warmer season was coming. She even welcomed the hard work of mopping and cleaning, as she felt herself growing stronger. In the evenings, in her room, she attempted the exercises that had once come so easily. At first she worried that they would notice, and forbid them, but no one commented. Other women too, she discovered, did exercises to tighten their slack bellies, to recover flexibility.
In the darkest times, she practiced the swift movements of unarmed combat . . . only two or three strokes each time, in case of observation, but a little every day. She matched hands and feet against each other, the quietest way she could think to achieve the hardening she needed for a killing stroke.
The showings, where proven breeders were displayed for men who might choose them next time, were less humiliation than she’d expected, and more worrying. In the showings, she did her best to look exhausted, weak, helpless, broken. It wasn’t hard to look tired . . . she pushed herself to shaky exhaustion every day. But she could feel the muscle building on her legs again, in her arms, in her abdomen. Would they believe that came from carrying the babies? From walking in the orchard? From the simple exercises the others did?
But they could not expect what she intended to do with the muscles she built with such effort. Eyes squeezed shut, she reminded herself which basic moves would build the strength and speed she needed for killing.
The other women did not so much avoid her as ignore her. When the babies were wriggling happily on quilts on the floor, they exclaimed over the strength and vigor of her boys as they did over the qualities of their own. The staff gave her directions-which chores to do-in much the same tone as anyone else. The speaking women naturally talked most to each other; the muted women had a private language of gesture, and a public one of broader gestures and elaborate lipspeaking and hisses. The speaking women would include the mutes if one of the muted women made the effort to get their attention. Some even befriended one-for cooperative baby care made friendships useful for both. But Brun could not enter into the lipspeaking of the other muted women. Occasionally, if she were alone with another woman, and faced her directly, she could make herself understood with a combination of gesture and mouthing-if the topic was something obvious. Where is the sewing basket? or What is that? They were willing to show her where things were, or how to do a chore. But she had no topics in common with them, except babies, and she did not care that much about the babies, any of them. They were all-hers and the others’-proof of what she hated. And she knew they saw her as a dangerous person . . . tamed by muting, but potentially a source of soul-killing deviancy. Her lack of interest in the babies was another proof, to them, of her unnatural, immoral upbringing.
The babies were moving from creeping to rocking on their hands and knees when a new mother arrived at the nursery. She was very young, and had a slightly dazed expression. The other women spoke to her in short, simple sentences, a little louder than usual. Brun wondered if she’d been drugged, though she had seen no evidence that women were given drugs. On the third day, she approached Brun. “You’re the yellow-hair from the stars?” She had the usual soft voice, but a little hesitancy in it.
Brun nodded. Up close, she decided that it wasn’t drugs, but some innate problem, that gave the girl that odd expression and halting speech . . . and the social unawareness that let her approach the unapproachable.
“You traveled with another girl-more my size-and two brats?”
Brun nodded again.
“She said you was nice. She liked you. She said.”
Brun looked hard at the girl. She had to be talking about Hazel. Where had she seen Hazel?
“She’s doin’ fine. I just thought you’d like to know.” The girl smiled past Brun’s shoulder, and wandered off, leaving Brun tethered to the twins.
Hazel was all right. A surge of relief swept through her. When that girl had left wherever Hazel was, to go to maternity-or was Hazel in maternity? Brun shook her head; she could not keep track of time. It was hot, or it was cold, daylight or dark; that was all she knew. But Hazel was all right, less time ago than Brun knew for sure. If only she knew where.
Several days passed before the girl sat down beside her again to nurse her baby.
“They call her Patience now,” the girl said. “It’s a good name for her ’cause she never makes trouble. She’s real quiet and works hard. Prima says they’ll be able to marry her as a third wife for sure, maybe even a second, even though she can’t sew good. They been trainin’ her for market girl, and she goes there by herself now.” A wistful note in that soft voice-had this girl wanted to go to market? By now Brun was sure the girl was retarded; no one would let her go out alone for other reasons than the restrictions on women. “But she doesn’t have your yellow hair,” the girl said, staring at it with frank admiration. “And she won’t talk about the stars, ’cause Prima said not to.”
Brun could have strangled her, for having a voice and not saying what Brun really needed to know. She picked up a twin and removed from his mouth the pebble he’d put there. She could not feel any affection for them, but she wasn’t about to let a child-any child-choke to death.
“She don’t look big enough to have babies, though,” the girl said, petting her own child. “And her blood’s not regular yet. The master says-”
“Hush, you!” One of the women in charge came by and tapped the girl on the head. “You’re not here to gossip about what your master says. You want your tongue pulled?”
The girl’s mouth snapped shut, and she clambered out of the chair, holding her baby to her.
The woman shook her head at Brun. “She’s simple, she is. Can’t remember from day to day what the rules are, poor thing. We have to keep an eye on her, so’s she doesn’t get herself in trouble. If she gets in the habit of talking about her master here, even to you, she might do it back at her house and then they’d have to punish her. Best nip it in the bud.” She patted Brun’s head, almost affectionately. “That is pretty hair, though. Might win you a chance at wifing, when you’ve borne your three. Just you give me a nod, if the girl starts talking about men’s doings again, like a good girl, eh?” Brun nodded. As long as they’d let the girl talk to her.
The girl avoided Brun for days. But late one evening, she slipped into Brun’s room.
“She don’t scare me,” she said, clearly untruthfully. �
��I’m from Ranger Bowie’s house; he’s the only one can mute me. They can’t. And he wouldn’t, long as I don’t argue or nothing. Telling you about Patience isn’t arguing. It’s explaining. Explaining is fine as long as it’s not men.”
Brun smiled, a smile that seemed to crack her face. How long had it been since she last smiled?
“I wish they hadn’t muted you,” the girl said. “I’d sure like to know what it’s like out there . . . Patience, she won’t tell me about it.” She stopped, listening, then crept closer. “I wisht I had your hair,” she said, and put out a hand to stroke it. Then she turned and vanished into the dark corridor.
Brun traced what she’d heard on the wall, fixing it in her mind, as she once would have repeated it aloud. Ranger Bowie. What an odd name. She didn’t remember the men using any name like that on the ship . . . had they even called each other by name?
* * *
The nondescript man in the checked shirt bellied up to the bar and ordered. Beside him, two men were talking about the Captain’s choice of policy.
“Well, we’re free men but I don’t see any call to stomp in an ant bed. It’s my right, but I’m not stupid enough-”
“You’re calling the Captain stupid?”
“I’m saying that taking outlander women for our own needs is one thing, but taking that one-and then bragging about it-is just asking for trouble.”
“It proves we’re strong.” That speaker turned to the man in the checked shirt. “And what’s your opinion, brother?”
He smiled. “I heard she had yellow hair.”
The first speaker snorted. “Everbody knows that. They’re hoping she’ll put her hair on her babes.”
Someone down the bar leaned forward. “You talkin’ about that gal from space? The yellow-haired slut? She had twins, did you hear? One redhead, one dark. Odds on, they’re double-fathered.”
“No!” The man in the checked shirt widened his eyes, the perfect picture of a country bumpkin in for one of the festivals.
“I’d bet on it. She won’t be out for another two months, though. They say the twins need her milk longer, being smaller.”
“Ah. I’d hoped.”
The other men looked at each other, sly grins twitching their mouths. This one probably had only one wife, and her homely as a tree.
“Well, who wouldn’t? Don’t get that many blondes, do we? Put your name on the list, is all I can say. They’re showing her now, if you want to see if it’s worth the tax.”
“Before I put down on the list, believe I will.”
“Crockett Street Nursery, then.”
He was not the only one who wanted to see the outworlder blonde mute, who had birthed twins. They’d been confirmed fraternal and double-fathered, which meant she might throw twins again. A woman who could drop two eggs at a time was even more desirable. He took his number, and when it was called pushed into the room with the others in that group.
At first he wasn’t sure. He had been shown pictures-moving and still-of Brun in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Closeups, distance shots, everything. He had thought nothing could disguise her. But the yellow-haired woman before him was not the same Brun-if it was Brun at all. Her slender strength was reshaped now-her body blurred and broadened with the children she’d carried, her breasts heavy with milk. She stood heavily, arms hanging by her sides. Her yellow hair was long, lank, nothing like the lively tousled curls in the pictures. Her blue eyes were duller, almost gray. But his practiced eye noted what was not concealed . . . the bone structure of her face, her shoulders, the exact shape of her fingers and toes. This had to be the woman he sought. He looked for the RE tattoo, but the short wrap such women were allowed during a showing covered the area where it might have been.
Two guards stood with her, their staves held to prevent the men from touching her.
“Devil’s own,” one of the men near him muttered.
“Satan’s snare,” said another. “Good thing they muted her.”
“Yup. But the babies look strong.” The babies were on display as well, naked cherubs in a playpen. They grinned toothlessly at the watching men.
“Not worth it to me,” said a black-haired man, and spat on the floor. “I’m not risking my soul for that.” He pushed past the others and walked out.
Another laughed. “There speaks a man without the tax. She was just as wicked afore he looked at her.”
“And it’s our duty to convert the heathen,” said another. “I reckon another couple of birthings’ll convert her.”
“What-you’ll bid for her wifing?”
“Might do. Might do worse.”
“Might do better . . .” They chatted on. Brun stared past them. Why didn’t she lower her gaze, he wondered, the way the other women did. Then he knew why . . . she was neither virgin nor wife, and the worst had happened already. What could they do to her now? He shivered, and the man next to him glanced over.
“What is it, brother?”
“Nothing.”
* * *
Hazel’s duties as a servant required her to go into the street each day with the garbage. When she had demonstrated that she would perform this task exactly as directed, looking neither to right nor left, even when unaccompanied, Prima decided to try her out as a market girl. She was still clumsy in her sewing; she would be more marketable for other skills. As near as she could tell, from what she dared let the girl tell her about the abominable behavior of those outworld heathens, the girl had been among merchants and traders all her life.
So, first in the company of Mellowtongue, Hazel went to the market to carry home those items which the garden did not produce. She was required to look at the ground two paces before her, and carry the basket at waist height, and speak to no one, not even if spoken to. Mellowtongue answered those inquiries which must be answered. Hazel performed exactly as ordered, on that and all the trips that followed.
The first time she was sent out alone, for just one item, she was watched, from a distance, by one of the other servant women, one too senior to be a market girl, but reliable in her gossip. She went directly to the correct stall, waited with head down until the stallkeeper called her house name, and held out the basket and payment without looking up. She was sent again, and then again, and then-in company with the head cook-learned to haggle respectfully with the stallkeepers.
She took nothing on herself; she pilfered no treats; she was submissive even to the unfair scolding of the cook on the matter of some wilted greens.
So, in a few months, she was sent regularly to market on market days. And there, by keeping her ears stretched to the fullest, she heard gossip about the yellow-haired outlander, the heathen woman who was in the maternity house . . . and then had birthed twins . . . and then nearly died of the birth sadness . . . and then moved to the nursery. Days later she heard which nursery. Days after that, one detail after another trickled into street talk. She said nothing; she asked no questions, and told no tales. When market girls from other houses tried to make friends, with quick murmurs, she ignored them.
She kept her eye on Brandy-now Prudence-and Stassi-now Serenity. Day by day, the little girls seemed to forget their former life. Quick, bouncy, darting Brandy was still more active-but she had transferred her passion for blocks and construction toys to sewing and weaving. Already she had made a stuffed doll for Stassi, and then a dress to put on it. She seemed to grasp easily the way that cloth could be shaped to fit bodies. She was fascinated by the movement of the great looms in the weaving shed, and had explained to Hazel (who could not figure out how they worked) how the rise and fall of rows of little rings would produce different patterns in the cloth. Both girls had friends their own age, and seemed far more attached to the women who cared for them than to Hazel.
Reluctantly, Hazel gave up the idea of including the littles in an escape. They were too small; they could not run and climb and fight. They would be obvious-no way to conceal the fact that they were children, and they had had no
training in the boys’ world, so they could not pass as boys. Most of all-she could see that they were happy and secure, and that the women of the household liked them. Even Prima, inclined to be stiff with the other women’s children, had smiled at Brandy-Prudence, and stroked her dark curls. If she could get away-if she could get Brun away-the littles would not suffer for it. No one here blamed children for things like that. They would be cared for better than she could care for them-better, she suspected, than the Distressed Spacers’ Home would care for them if she did get them back to Familias space safely. And . . . they were happy. They had lost one family, one world-she could not tear them away from another.
So she waited her chance. She could live here the rest of her life . . . she had the knack of fitting in, she always had . . . but she didn’t want to. She had to admit she liked the food, the beautiful garden, the sense of security, the luxury of what seemed infinite space in which to move-she had never realized just how much space a person on a planet might have available, how big “outdoors” actually was. But she remembered too well the comfort of her old clothes, the freedom of movement, the friendships not bound by gender or race or beliefs. Here she would always be an outsider; she wanted to feel part of a family again. She missed the technology, the sense she’d had, in Elias Madero, of being part of a greater civilization spread across the universe.
Besides, there was the blonde lady. They had exchanged names. On the whole world, only she knew who Hazel really was, where she was from-and on the whole world, only she knew that the blonde lady’s name was Brun. She, Hazel, could survive here, but that lady had no chance.
Brun. She rehearsed the name, keeping it alive. Even at the time, even frightened as she had been, and determined to protect the littles, she had felt a stubborn flare of rage at what the men had done to the other woman. Muting Brun had been wrong, even more wrong than muting a woman brought up in their world. Nothing anyone did-nothing, not ever-deserved that punishment. And Brun had done nothing, any more than Hazel had. They had been wrong; they had stolen her, and then they had stolen her voice.
Rules of Engagement Page 26
