by JA Huss
It takes forever to get over to the airport, even though it’s only a few miles away. And by the time the van stops next to the charter drop I have a feeling it’s after noon.
“Your mom is gonna be pissed at us,” I say.
“I know. If it’s like… noon, and we take off at twelve thirty, with the time change we won’t land until well after eight o’clock.”
“We’ll call them from the plane and tell them we’ll be late.”
“Yeah. OK. I mean, what else can we do? We’re more than two thousand miles away from home.”
Which is crazy. But that’s pretty much the story of my life.
The van door slides open and Jessica is there. “OK, kids. We’re here. Follow Sven there and he’ll get you all set up.”
I furrow my brows as we climb out of the van. “Set up for what?”
“Your third wedding. Parachuting!”
“What?” Emma says.
“No,” I say. “We have to leave now. We have a charter jet—” I look around, trying to figure out where the jet might be. “Well, it’s somewhere around here.”
“Oh,” Jessica says. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. I thought you understood when you said we needed to get to the airport.”
“Yeah, for our charter jet.” I’m still trying to find it, but the only thing I see are a bunch of helicopters and one plane that says ‘Sven’s Skydiving.’ “Do you have a phone I can borrow?”
“Sure,” Jessica says. She fishes it out of her pocket and hands it over.
I look at Emma. “You don’t happen to know Miles’ phone number off hand, do you?”
“Uh… no.”
“Shit. What should we do?”
“How about,” Jessica offers, taking her phone back, “you two go inside the office and I’ll figure out where your charter is?”
“Yeah,” I say, running my fingers through my hair. “OK. Yes.” I turn to Emma. “We could use a few moments of quiet contemplation right about now. It’s been a crazy morning.”
“Good. It’s right through there.” She points to a metal door with no window. “I’ll check on your charter and be right back.”
“OK.” Emma sighs. We walk towards the door, go inside, and practically run into a huge blond dude, who surely must be Sven.
“Ah, there you are!” he says in a booming voice. Then he slaps me on the back so hard, I almost choke. “Or should I say, ‘Arrgggggh, mateys!’”
“Funny.” Emma chuckles.
“Seriously,” Sven says, his face going somber. “We’re running late, folks. So we have to hustle.”
“We’re not doing it,” I tell him.
“What?”
“Yeah, we have to go,” Emma says. “Our charter jet is waiting to take us back to Key West. We just need to figure out where it is.”
Sven frowns at me. “But this is your big moment. Don’t you two want to get married?”
“We do,” I say. “We’re just out of time. We’re already gonna miss Christmas Eve dinner.”
“Well, if you’re already late…?” Sven pans his arms wide. Like… Might as well be really late.
Emma and I look at each other. It’s one of those should-we-shouldn’t-we? looks.
She shrugs. “We have to be married when we land. And at this point we don’t even know if we have a charter.”
“True,” I say. “So…” I glance at the skydiving pictures all around me. “Wanna jump out of a plane with me?”
“I do,” she squeals.
“Perfect,” Sven booms. “OK. Let’s get you out of those pirate clothes and into some jumpsuits.”
“Wait,” Emma says. “What about my dress?”
Sven makes one of those looks. Not one that says should-we-shouldn’t-we, but one that says, Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. “I’m afraid… the dress isn’t ready yet.”
“Nooooo,” Emma pouts. “I need the dress.”
Sven shrugs. “Sorry. But don’t worry. Fingers will make it right when the final bill comes in.”
And that has me wondering… I wonder what that final bill will look like? We’ve got to be pushing a hundred grand at this point. After that Treasure Island bribe? Yeah. This is a pretty pricey wedding day and we’re not even married yet.
I turn to Emma. “I know you’re disappointed, but we could be stuck here. We’re clearly not going to make it home in time for dinner. So we should just… do this, right?”
She sighs, heavily.
“I’ll make it up to you, Emma. I promise. We’ll have the mean Russian lady ship your dress and we’ll have another ridiculous wedding anywhere you want.”
She leans into me. “OK.” Then she tilts her head up and her eyes catch mine. “I love you.”
“God, I love you too.” I place my hand on her cheek as I lean down to kiss her lips. “The thought of jumping out of a plane kinda terrifies me. But not because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt or die.” I look up at Sven. “This is safe, right? Because if my wife gets hurt, I will not let that go.”
“Very safe, Mr. Boston. I promise you. We have completed over five hundred tandem jumps over the past ten years with a perfect safety record. We will be with you the entire time and you’ll each have a headset to hear the captain of the plane as he recites the marriage rites.”
I point at Emma. “I knew captains could marry people.”
“Follow me and we’ll get you situated in your jumpsuits and gear.”
Once we change out of our pirate clothes and put on our jumpsuits, the crew goes over the tandem harness we’ll be strapped into. It would be better if Emma and I could be together for the jump, but apparently there’s rules about that and you have to take some kind of training course if you want to jump alone.
But the crew have assured us that they will maneuver us close enough to briefly hold hands and if we get the timing right, we can do that in the moment we say ‘I do.’ Then we’ll drift apart, the chutes will be released, and we’ll be back on the ground in about twenty seconds.
And actually, if you add up the whole thing from start to finish, we should be done by one thirty and if Jessica can find our charter, we could be back in Key West to open presents at midnight.
Not a bad way to spend twenty-four hours of your life.
Or your wedding day, for that matter.
Once we’re in the plane, Sven gives us our helmet headsets and does a mic check to make sure we can all hear each other. We can. Sounds pretty crisp and clear, if you ask me. And even though skydiving would’ve been my last choice off the crazy Vegas wedding menu, I’m pretty excited about it.
Emma and I buckle into our jump seats near the door of the plane and hold hands. “Are you nervous?” I ask.
She sucks in a deep breath and nods. “I am. But it’s the good kind of nervous. Not wedding-day jitters.”
“Ha. We’ve been through this twice now. One more and we’ll overtake Miles in the wedding department.”
“Speaking of Miles, there has to be a way to contact him.”
“Well, there’s the map.”
“The crazy poker game map?” She rolls her eyes.
“I’m telling you, Emma. He told me a whole story about how he grew up in the Mob.”
“A story. That’s all it was.”
“Why would he lie to me about that? It makes no sense. And Fingers? This whole day was his idea.”
“I don’t know, but we did a thorough background check on him before I hired him.”
“I’m sure you did a thorough background check on me at one point too, right?”
“Not the point.”
“Totally the point! Anyway. I kinda remember the map. After this we can go see if we can find him. He’ll know what to do.”
“Everyone ready?” Sven asks, pulling on our harnesses to make sure we’re secure.
I’m not really sure I’m ready for this, but here we are. And if this is our only shot at a wedding today, it is what it is.
“Ready.” Emma answers for both of u
s.
Sven goes over the procedure as the plane begins to taxi. We’re gonna go up to cruising altitude, which is just about fourteen thousand feet. Then, as the plane gets into position, Emma and I will be clipped to the harness of Sven and his buddy, Blain. The ceremony starts in the helmet headsets, we all jump out, link up on the way down, hold hands for a few seconds, say “I do,” drop hands, parachutes release, land on the ground—presto. We’re married.
Who knew getting married in Vegas could be so hard? Hopefully third time’s a charm.
I look over at Emma, take her hand, and smile. “This is it, babe. It’s really gonna happen this time. For real. Nothing can go wrong.”
“Jesse. We’re in a plane and in ten minutes we’re going to jump out of it. Everything can go wrong.”
“Yeah, but… I was only talking about the wedding.”
She laughs and shakes her head. Then the plane takes off and we’re slammed into the hard backs of our jump seats. My heart starts to beat fast, but not so much because we’re about to skydive. We really are going to get married this time. This is it. Our moment when we pledge our love to each other forever.
As the plane climbs up into the sky I think back on those first few moments when we met back in Mallory Square. I never forgot her. OK, maybe I forgot her a little bit since I didn’t immediately recognize her when she was kidnapping me that night of the bachelor auction, but this girl has been in the back of my mind for over a decade. I always knew there was something wrong with me. Something missing. I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was until Emma took me on a dream date.
Now it feels like we were never apart. I know that’s dumb since we were apart for thirteen years, but we just slid right into this new relationship like we didn’t miss a single minute. We really are ‘that couple’ and this whole adventure in Vegas just proves it. Because for sure, it’s been a crazy few hours, but I kinda love this craziness almost as much as I love Emma Dumas.
Sven’s voice is suddenly in my head. “OK, folks. This is it. Let’s get hitched!”
Sven unbuckles me and Blain unbuckles Emma. And then we’re standing up and they’re clipping us to the tandem harnesses. Just as that happens, another guy whooshes open the door of the plane and the wind whips in.
The captain’s voice is now in our helmets as Sven and Blain maneuver us towards the edge.
“We are gathered here together today to join Emma and Jesse as…” the captain begins.
“Holy shit,” Emma says. “What are we doing?”
“It’s OK,” Blain assures her with a little nudge towards the open door.
“… they proclaim their love and commitment to the world. This is a moment for reflection, and rejoicing. To acknowledge their bond and…”
“OK, let’s go, folks!” Sven yells over the captain’s speech.
And then I’m thinking… Yeah, what the hell are we doing? We’re gonna jump out of a plane? “Wait!”
But it’s too late. Sven pushes me forward and we go tumbling out the door. And even with the helmet on, the whipping wind is loud. My suit is flapping and it’s cold. Very cold.
“Holy shit!” I yell.
Over the headset, the captain continues. “Jesse, you are here to proclaim your love for Emma. Emma, you are here to pledge yourself to Jesse…”
Then… there she is. Emma. My beautiful bride. Laughing and smiling as she reaches for me with her hands. And somehow, Sven and Blain have maneuvered us so we’re facing each other. I reach for her too. Our fingertips touch and I grab onto her with everything I can and pull her closer to me.
“Do you, Jesse…” But that’s all I hear. Or, actually, I hear things, but only static.
“Hey!” I yell. “I can’t hear!” But my voice sounds muffled and distant. “My headset stopped working! I can’t hear the vows!”
Emma’s saying something too. Then her hand slips out from mine and she floats away.
“Emmaaaa!”
I see her say, “Jesseeeee!” And then…
Whoosh!
She flies upwards and disappears from my view.
What the fuck? We didn’t even say ‘I do!’
But then I’m jerked upwards and holy fuck. The harness cuts into the soft flesh under my arms and it fuckin’ hurts.
But there’s no time to think about that because the earth is getting closer and closer. Sven maneuvers us in small circles, and then before I know it our feet are on the ground and we’re running.
Of course, I trip, fall down, and take Sven with me.
He unclips us, turns me over, and holds out his hand.
I take it and let him pull me to my feet. But as soon as I’m steady, I take off my helmet. “What the hell was that?”
He claps me on the back. Pretty hard. Too hard, actually. “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations? We didn’t even say ‘I do!’”
“What?”
“Dude.” I point to him. “Do not fuck with me. You know we didn’t say ‘I do’ because the headsets stopped working just as we got to the vows.”
“Awww. Nah. That’s not what happened. I heard you say ‘I do.’”
“I did not say ‘I do.’” I look around and find Emma coming towards me, pulling off her helmet and shaking out her hair. She’s smiling big.
“Oh. My. God!” she says, nearly breathless. “That was the best wedding ever!”
“What? No! I couldn’t hear! I didn’t say ‘I do!’”
Emma frowns. “What? Are you sure? I thought I heard you say—”
“I didn’t! I couldn’t hear anything after ‘Do you, Jesse!’”
“Oh. Well…” She looks at Sven. “Well, that sucks.”
“It’s still legal,” Sven insists.
“How can it be legal?” I ask. “And that’s not even the point! I didn’t get to say ‘I do!’”
“Maybe we can do it again?” Emma offers.
But both Sven and Blain are both shaking their heads. “No can do,” Sven says.
“We’re booked up for the rest of the day,” Blain adds.
I turn away and take a deep breath. Because you know what? Fuck this.
“Fuck this,” I say. “We’re out of here. I’m so done with weddings. Fingers can just fuck off. His fantasy weddings were all bullshit and fake. That Treasure Island wedding? Not even a wedding! He lied to us and we actually took the place of the freaking show performers! And that Big Apple Coaster wedding? We weren’t even the couple getting married! This whole thing is a scam!”
I take Emma’s hand and tug her along after me as we head back towards the hangar where our clothes are.
And fuck me now. All we have to wear is pirate clothes.
I want to kill someone. Mostly someone called Fingers.
Emma lets me lead her back into the hangar office without comment. But once we’re inside and I finally look at her, she’s pouting.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m sorry. It’s been a great day. It really has. But…”
“But we wanted to get married. That was the whole point. And if you didn’t get to say ‘I do,’ then we didn’t really accomplish that, did we?”
“No,” I say, feeling defeated. “And where the hell is Jessica? Wasn’t she supposed to go find our charter? We should just go home.”
Emma looks around. “She never came back, I guess.”
“Big surprise there. So far we’ve been handed off after each fuckup. I wonder who will pop up now?”
“Maybe no one,” Emma says, pulling off her jumpsuit.
I take mine off too, and then reluctantly put my pirate clothes back on.
Emma is in the middle of doing the same with her dress when she points to me and snaps her fingers. “You know what?”
“What?”
“Who cares about the charter? We have a jet here. Right here!” She points to the ground. “Somewhere, in one of these hangars, is my Bright Berry Beach jet.”
For a moment I allow myself to get lost in the
thought of finding that jet. I get lost in the idea of changing into new clothes—surely Miles comes prepared with clothes? And if not, there has to be some silk pajamas hidden somewhere on board. Beats the hell out of pirate pants and puffy shirts.
“But we can’t go home. Not without Christopher. And I’m sure he and Miles are busy with the poker tournament by now.”
“I don’t even care if we go home,” Emma says. “I just want to climb aboard my jet and relax. I’m freaking exhausted!”
“Me too.”
“Let’s just find it and wait for Christopher and Miles to come back.”
“We’re gonna miss Christmas, Emma.”
She shrugs. “I don’t care. I mean, I do care. That totally sucks because I had the best present for you. But I literally have no fucks left to give today. I’m ready for a nap. Let’s find the jet and take a nap.” Then she waggles her eyebrows at me.
“Ahhh,” I say, my spirits lifting. “A nap.”
She giggles. “I know this whole day has been one disaster after another, but it was still fun, right? Even if we’re not even married yet.” Then her whole face goes serious. “You know what? I would not put it past my mother to call up Fingers and boss him into ruining all our weddings just so she could get her way. In fact, I bet that stupid Kraken Karen went right over to my parents’ house after we ditched her and told her that we stole her Door Dash.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? Is it, really? You’ve seen my mother in action. She’s an unstoppable force. I would not put it past her to somehow figure out we eloped to Vegas and then boss everyone in the family into fucking it all up.”
“Emma,” I say, trying not to laugh. “That’s crazy. None of this is about your mother. It’s all… Miles.”
She sucks in a deep breath. “For the last time, Miles is not Mob!”
“Fine, fine.” I put up my hands in surrender. “If you say so. But I’m really on board with just finding the jet and staying put until we can get a hold of Miles. That’s a solid plan if you ask me.”
“Good. I don’t think I could handle another wedding.”
“We’re all out of weddings, babe. Our Pick Three is done.”
