by Caz May
I try not to notice how warm his skin feels under his t-shirt and try not to think about what happened a few nights ago when he sang the karaoke song.
I can hear his sobs lingering in the air. “Did you dream about them again?” I ask softly, gazing down at him.
He looks across at me, his plump lip between his teeth for a moment before he mutters softly, “No, it was me Rox. I...I...died in the crash and they weren’t even at my funeral.”
“Oh Chad, I’m sorry. It was just a nightmare.”
“It should have been me Rox. I took my sister’s parents away.”
I gape at him, and he clears his throat before clarifying, “They were coming home early for my stupid science competition.”
“Chad, you can’t still blame yourself for their death. I don’t know much about grief and stuff but Carly needs you to be her big brother more than ever.”
“I know, Rox. Thanks for being a good little sister too.” He laughs then, pulling back from me a little, and nearly falling off the edge of the bed.
Grabbing him harder around the waist I pull him closer, and he laughs again, grabbing me around the waist at the same time. He starts to tickle me and wiggling in his arms I giggle, mumbling, “Stop Chad, stop.”
His tickling stops, and he looks at me with an odd look in his eyes.
I don’t know what it is, but when my hand brushes against his body under the sheets accidentally I’m sure his dick is hard. And that can only mean he liked touching me; as much as I enjoyed the tickling, even though I protested.
He takes a deep breath in, sighing, and closing his eyes, murmuring, “You save me, Rox. You’re mine, my saviour.”
Rolling over, I accept his arms around me when he pulls me closer, and murmur, “You're mine, Chad.”
❤︎
That memory hits me hard in the chest, making my heart pound and I gasp for air. “Roxy, shit, are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I...um just remembered something about Chad.”
“Ooo do tell.”
“It’s nothing. Just something he said to me when we were kids.”
I shrug, hoping she won’t probe me for more, because disclosing that memory to Nellie—even though she’s my best friend—feels too intimate.
I need to talk to Chad, but I’m not ready to face him, or my feelings.
Nellie rolls over. “Oh ok, fair enough. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Nel,” I reply closing my eyes.
Chad’s face just before he kissed me surfaces in my mind and drifting to sleep I think of our night together, hoping that it won’t be the last.
21. Chad
Ever since the night with Rox, that I’ve honestly not been able to get off my mind she’s been avoiding me. And when she has been around, she won’t look at me, let alone talk to me about what happened.
I admit I was a prick in the moment, but I want to tell her that being with her—really being with her—blew me away. The feelings I experienced when kissing her—and touching her—were new to me, and I acted like a prick, acted nonchalant because they scared me, bringing back all the feelings I had for her as a teenager. I fought those feelings then because I thought having feelings for my best mates little sister was wrong; she was like a sister to me but now as a grown man things have changed.
I’m more than pissed off with Rox because she won't talk to me.
I need to explain and clear the air; get rid of the tension that’s descended on the household.
After getting up and draining my snake quickly in the bathroom, I head to the kitchen opening up the cupboard to search for some cereal to eat. There’s not much choice, cornflakes or Nutri-Grain. I decide on the Nutri-Grain; opening the packet and eating them straight from the box whilst leaning against the bench.
Jessie walks into the kitchen and gives me an odd look noticing my off—weird—behaviour.
“Morning, Chadster.”
“Morning Jessman,” I reply, nearly choking on a piece of Nutri-Grain.
“Why have you been acting so weird lately?” he questions me, grabbing a bowl and tipping cornflakes into it.
“No reason, just feeling like the vibes here are off at the moment.”
“What the fucks that mean?”
Putting the Nutri-Grain down I gulp. “Rox isn’t talking to me. And isn’t here half the time. And when she is she’s a grump.”
“Have Roxanne’s bad moods got anything to do with you? You both left early from your birthday drinks.”
Again I gulp, swallowing down the lump in my throat, trying to get some saliva into my dry mouth. “Um, yeah we did, but I just wanted her to get home safe. She was tanked.”
“So nothing happened? You just came home together?”
I nod. “Yep, that’s it. That’s all. Nothing happened between us, I promise.”
He raises his eyebrows at me; his tell that he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t push the subject, so I ask, “How're things with Teagan?”
He chuckles then, his hand slipping a little when pouring the milk on his cornflakes. “Good man, thanks for keeping your mitts off. But you really should get ya self a girl.”
“Yeah, I know man. My hand isn't doing it for me,” I reply laughing.
He laughs with me for a moment and my mind wanders to thinking about Teagan. As if talking and thinking about her has summoned her she happens to walk into the house at that moment; unlocking the front door with her own key. Walking into the kitchen she gives me an odd look that I can't decipher. It seems like she’s wishing me away, but also it’s a touch flirtatious when she kisses Jessie and looks at me out of the corner of her eyes.
A month ago—a week ago even—her looking at me whilst kissing Jessie would have turned me on, but now I’m actually kinda repulsed.
“Do you mind getting a room?” I hiss at them.
She laughs breaking her kiss with Jessie, and locks her eyes on me, trying to eye fuck me when she trills, “Sorry Chad, I just can't help it when I'm around this one.”
She giggles playfully punching Jessie in the side.
“Yeah, whatever,” I reply walking back to my room.
I stop by Rox’s door to listen—to see—if she’s home, but it’s clear she’s not when Bruno comes bounding out of Jessie’s room instead; and I know I’ve clearly lost the plot when I pat his fur and consider telling him I’m in love—yep, in love—with his pretty owner.
22. Roxanne
Coming home from Nellie’s I feel like an intruder, sneaking into my own house so I don’t wake anyone—and by anyone—I specifically mean Chad. I know I need to talk to him, but I’m scared that he’ll just shatter my heart.
Tiptoeing into the house, after closing the front door behind me I’m heading down the hallway when I see the glow from the fridge light.
I stop dead, fixated on him bent over and staring into the fridge. He’s only wearing super tight red boxers, and they outline his gorgeous butt.
My mouth is watering, and for a moment I want to rush over to him and push him against the fridge, taking his mouth to mine in a kiss.
Kissing him is all I’ve thought about, his kiss is ingrained in my mind, and I can still feel his kisses against my lip like a bruise. And that is also why kissing him again, when I’m still angry, upset that he used me and didn’t obviously have the same reaction to the experience is a very bad idea.
He suddenly shifts, stepping back from the fridge with a bottle of water in his hand. He squeezes it, and without turning around he says, “Hey Rox.”
Panicking I gulp, wondering if I should say anything or just walk away. I’ve done so well at avoiding him, avoiding the no doubt awkward conversation we need to have, that I don’t want to have because it will make it real.
It will shatter my heart even more than it already is.
Still, I can’t get my feet to cooperate, and he comes over to me, sipping on his water with a cocky grin on his face; that, of course, shows off his double dimple.
“We need to talk Rox.”
“No. We. Don’t,” I mutter, biting down on my lip, and sliding back from him when he enters my personal space.
My whole body hums with him so close again. My converse sneakers squeak on the tiles when I step back and watching Chad take another big gulp of his water I let out a squeak from my lips. He laughs, that laugh that makes his chest vibrate and his muscles ripple.
“Rox, please. Just let me explain.”
I huff at him, folding my arms over my chest. “There’s nothing to explain, Chad.”
I turn to walk away, not wanting to look at his face showing fake sincerity.
The only thing that I can do is avoid him because even just being in the same room as him hurts too much. I can’t have Chad, partly because he doesn’t want me as much as I want him, but mostly because he’s my brothers best friend, and he might as well be my brother. I don’t want to think of him as my brother, but thinking about him that way is the only way I can stop myself from thinking about kissing him, and about how his touch made me feel.
It’s no use though; my head knows he’s not my brother, and my heart is his. I love Chad, I’ve always loved Chad, even before I knew what love was, and he’ll never love me back.
23. Chad
After having barely slept, for thinking of Rox all night I’m feeling incredibly tired and frustrated because she’s still avoiding me and won’t even entertain a conversation with me. Waking up my head is pounding, and there’s music blaring from the lounge room.
Getting out of bed, I pick up a t-shirt, yanking it over my head whilst I’m stumbling out of my bedroom.
Heading to the source of the noise—clutching my morning wood—I find Teagan is dancing around the house, cleaning whilst she’s singing.
“Teagan,” I call out, “can you turn it down?”
She dances over to me, her eyes darting down to my dick. And she licks her lips. I ignore the flirtatious gesture and ask, “Your music...can you turn it down?”
“Yeah, Jessie’s out for a run.”
“Ok, I um didn’t ask that.”
“Yep, ok,” she says, sashaying away from me.
I head back to my bedroom, slamming the door and flopping down on the bed, pulling the pillow over my head. My dick is still hard, but seeing Teagan dancing around wearing some short arse nightie had no effect on it this time. I can’t doubt that she’s still gorgeous, but I don’t want Jessie’s girl now.
My mind wanders to the girl my heart wants—that my body now wants—and my morning wood throbs remembering her kisses and how her tight perfect body responded to my touch.
Sliding my hand into my boxers, I fist my dick, about to start wanking when my bedroom door cracks open and someone tiptoes into my room. Having my eyes closed I’m hoping it’s Rox, but I don’t dare open my eyes.
“Want some help?” a soft voice asks. It doesn’t sound like Rox, but I don’t open my eyes and mumble, “Um, no, um yes.”
She comes further into the room, diving at the bed. I still have my hand on my dick and she lets out an appreciative hum before she kisses me, but I don’t feel anything—nothing, nada—my dick isn’t throbbing, my lips not on fire like they were when I kissed Rox.
She starts to touch me, her hands sliding between us and gripping my dick—hard—and I know it’s not Rox.
Opening my eyes I push Teagan away, off my lap. And my eyes immediately focus on the door where Jessie has come stumbling in screaming, “What the fuck Chad?”
I jump out of bed, grabbing the sheets and holding them against my junk whilst I stumble towards my best mate.
“Nothing happened man.”
He balls his fists. “As if I'm going to fucking believe you, when you're naked with my girlfriend on top of you.”
Teagan takes that opportunity to stand up, glancing between Jessie and me for a moment, before she steps up close to him, pressing her hands into his chest. “Jess, it was me. I um…I kissed him, but that’s it.”
His pupils dilate, and he clenches and unclenches his fists, before caressing her cheek softly.
“Whatever, Teags baby, please just meet me in my room. We’ll talk about this in private.”
She walks out and Jessie turns his attention to me. I have no idea what to say, but I haven’t done anything wrong.
She kissed me, and I thought she was Rox. But she’s not Rox, and I can’t say that to Jessie either. He can’t know I kissed, touched his little sister and that I’m in love with her. He won’t care that Rox is mine, won’t care that I love her, but that I took advantage of her.
I’m about to open my mouth to try and say something, but he interrupts me, yelling, “You…you…I can't Chad.” He’s seething again, clenching his fists again when he hurls more angry words at me, “Just pack your shit and get the fuck out of my house.”
He's furious, and stomping out he slams his bedroom door behind him.
I can hear him yelling with Teagan when I head to the bathroom to have a quick shower before packing up my things.
I’m screwed, nowhere to go except home with my tail between my legs.
24. Chad
After my shower, I’m haphazardly throwing my clothes in my gym bag. Jessie and Teagan clearly made up, because moans and screams of pleasure have been coming from his room for the past half hour; and it’s making my stomach churn.
But it’s also the fact that I’m leaving Rox before I can really be with her, and tell her that I’m in love with her. It’s not like she’d believe me because she’ll think like last time I told her I love her that I mean it like a brother, and I don’t.
I’m in love with Roxanne Donaghey, and again, I’m being forced to walk away.
I yank on my black jeans—that I wore that night—and shove my arms into my leather jacket. There are tears stinging my eyes, and I sniff them back, slinging my gym bag over my shoulder and grabbing my surfboard, tucking it under my arm.
Walking out of the bedroom, I creep past Rox’s room, and her door is open. She’s sitting on her bed, knees up with her laptop resting on it. Her hair is down, in ringlets around her face and she looks so fucking beautiful; my breath hitches.
I shouldn’t be standing there staring at her, contemplating saying goodbye, but I can’t move. Part of me just wants to walk away, to let her be and let her go.
But I also want to drop my stuff on the floor, and rush into her room to dive at the bed and kiss her senseless.
I’m about to do just that—curse Jessie finding out—when Bruno spots me, rushing out and bowling me over; giving me sloppy doggy kisses.
“I’m going to miss you to, buddy,” I tell him, ruffling his furry head.
“Bruno, stop,” Rox calls out, getting up off the bed, and striding over towards her bedroom door.
She’s only wearing boyshort knickers and a tight t-shirt; that show off her sexy curves.
Fuck she’s gorgeous. And mine. No, Not mine.
She glares at my bag—and surfboard—and sniffs back a sob. “Why do you have a bag? Are you leaving?”
“Yeah, I am. Jessie kicked me out because Teagan kissed me.”
“You kissed Teagan?” she says, sighing and looking at the floor.
“I...did...but.”
“Seriously Chad, how could you? After we?”
I gaze over her body, watching her reaction to my words. And I can tell her heart is broken, so even though I don’t mean the harsh words I say them anyway, “Why do you care Rox? You’re not my girl.”
Her mouth drops open, but no words come out and I pick up my bag—and surfboard—again, trudging out without another word.
I’m broken, shattered, again, having walked out on the only girl I’ve ever loved. I said she’s not my girl, but she always will be my girl.
Closing the front door behind me, and heading home I can only hope that letting her go is the right thing to do. Because just thinking about Roxanne not being my girl is absolute hell.
To be continued...
/> Australian Slang Glossary
Ute-Truck
Bludger- someone lazy, doesn't do much and possibly relies on social security benefits
Ripper- something really good/great
Ridgy-Didge- Cool
Bonzer-Great, awesome
Pash/ing/ed- to kiss/make out
Arvo- afternoon
Chunder- Vomit, throw up
Gobby- Blowjob
