by Ian Todd
“Wis it no dangerous?’ the nurse hid asked her.
“Dangerous? It could be. Some ae the lassies wur attacked before the back-up team could pile in there and haul them oot. The wans that goat violent and attacked ye ended up much worse aff than whit any ae the lassies ever did though, plus they ended up being charge wae assaulting a polis officer while oan duty. The only hard-standing rule wis that ye wurnae tae get in tae a set a wheels wae anywan, at any cost.”
“Christ.”
“It sounds really obvious, thinking back oan it. Bit, then again, some ae these guys wur really famous T.V. people while others, like politicians, wur in high positions ae power, so the thought ae being able tae nab wan ae them proved too much sometimes. They wur the wans that wur always the maist suspicious, so getting intae their cars tae negotiate a price wis the only way ae catching them bang tae rights. Tae guarantee a conviction, a witness, wan ae the back-up team, hid tae observe money exchanging hauns. There wis always a set ae wheels in the background, wae a back-up driver, jist in case any ae the lassies wur dragged in or enticed tae get in tae the car.”
“Whit aboot training? Did youse get trained tae deal wae situations, like violence and that?”
“No really. Ah heard that by the time Ah’d arrived, the street work still hidnae been officially sanctioned, although Ah think that changed later oan. At Tulliallan, the polis college oot in Kincardineshire, ye spend a good bit ae yer time in the gym being shown how tae defend yersel against an armed baddie or how tae make an arrest wae somewan who wis struggling violently. There wisnae much aboot dealing wae a sex-crazed maniac who wanted tae strangle ye jist because he thought aw wummin wur evil bitches or because he believed that ye wur over-charging him. Christ, Ah met some real psychos in that job, so Ah did. It wis aw kind ae experimental at the time…us gaun oot dressed tae the nines, tae attract the punters. There wur two teams set up and operating when Ah wis approached by wan ae the two female sergeants, Sally Burke. Within two days ae observing how it worked, Ah wis oot trawling the streets and lanes in a micro-mini and high-heels, freezing ma arse aff. The adrenalin wis something else, so it wis. Ah wis oan cloud nine fur aboot a week efter ma first arrest. Christ, imagine me, wee Collette James, church choir member and senior youth assistant at St George’s Tron Church, swanning aboot the city centre wae ma skirt hauf wae up that arse ae mine. Ah remember wan night, being approached by a church elder, a friend ae the family. It wis so embarrassing tae see the stunned look oan that face ae his efter he realised that it wis me. He jist turned and scampered across West Regent street as fast as they wee legs could carry him. It might sound stupid, bit the only downer tae the work fur me and the rest ae the lassies in the sex squad, wis heiding back tae the sleazebags manning the desks and cells at Central, fur a fifteen minute tea break or when yer shift ended. The only way tae describe it is like coming across a pack ae demented dugs oan heat, so it is. Ah kin remember asking The Sarge a few weeks efter Ah joined the sex squad, why we couldnae work oot ae Pitt Street polis office, which stauns, lit up, through the trees, across oan the other side ae Blythswood Square. We wur always warned tae stay clear ae the building, in case the punters driving aboot in their cars connected us tae it. Jist efter the New Year, back in January, Ah’d been talking aboot hivving a wee celebration tae mark ma two years ae being in the squad. Everywan hid heided back tae Central early. It wis jist too cauld, whit wae us wandering aboot wae oor arses hinging oot and no a punter tae be seen anywhere. It hid started snowing, aye, really heavy. We’d decided tae call it a night and hid aw piled in tae the back ae a Black Maria and back tae the canteen. It wis while we wur sitting there shivering, oor teeth chattering, trying tae get a bit ae heat intae us wae a big mug ae hot tea, that Sergeant Burke again mentioned that the best way tae keep sleaze-bags at bay wis tae blag oorsels an inspector.
‘An inspector?’ Wan ae the newer lassies…Ah cannae remember which wan noo…hid exclaimed.
‘That’s right.’
‘Bit, ur they no aw married?’ Ah remember her asking, looking aboot the canteen at the leering faces, aw blatantly staring across at us.
‘Probably, bit so whit? Nowan wid come near ye if ye hid that type ae protection covering yer arse.’
‘Bit, Ah thought we awready hid that protection behind us, Sergeant Burke?’ Fran Burns hid asked her.
‘Ye hiv, Francis, hen. Ah’m jist pointing oot a wee accelerated career path fur a smart lassie like any ae youse. While Ah’ll always be there fur ye, Ah cannae be everywhere aw the time. It’s jist that us wummin hiv tae grab the opportunity when it arises. There’s mair than a few ae the lassies who’ve ended up well-protected, before gaun oan tae far better things aboot here, in the past, so they hiv. Of course, ye’d need tae learn tae keep they traps ae yers shut if ye decided that that wis an option. Some ae these inspectors cannae afford tae fuck aboot noo…no wae their positions and families at hame tae think ae,’ she’d continued.
‘Is that no putting us intae the same category ae the lassies walking aboot up there oan Blythswood Square?’ Ah remember asking The Sarge.
It wis like…the very next day…or night, Ah cannae remember which, that the sergeant introduced me tae Bobby Mack, wan ae the two chief inspectors in charge ae the city’s murder teams. He’d sauntered across and joined us fur a cup ae tea, despite being so busy. Ah think it wis oan Christmas eve, the same day as that big-time gangster fella fae Govan, Harding Lennox, wis fished oot ae the Clyde alang in Finnieston. Ah cannae exactly remember how it came up in conversation noo, bit he let slip that him and that wife ae his hid recently separated. When Ah’d glanced across at The Sarge, she’d jist gied me a wee knowing smile. Before Ah knew whit wis happening, Ah wis being wined and dined aw o’er the toon, so Ah wis. Everywan knew him. If there wisnae a table available when we arrived, they soon found wan. That went fae everything like Atalian, Chinese or Indian, tae yer bog standard fish and chip cafes. Mind you, Ah never ever saw him in daylight. Because ae ma job, Ah wis permanently oan the six at night tae three in the morning shifts. Ah’d get hame tae Lawrence Street and hiv a bath and he’d arrive at aboot four o’clock and stay until aboot six in the morning, before disappearing back tae the station tae clock himsel oot. Christ knows where he telt them he’d been. It wisnae perfect by any means, bit hey-ho, Ah wis in love, so Ah wis.”
“And he wis supposed tae be oot working?’ the nurse hid asked, as she nodded. “Whit happened then…Ah mean, between youse?”
“It happened so suddenly. Wan day Ah went in tae ma work and wis shouted in tae wan ae the wee interview rooms by Sergeant Burke. Before Ah could ask who’d died, Superintendent Daddy Jackson, the big man himsel, hid arrived oan the scene.
‘Hiv ye informed her ae whit’s happening?’ The Super hid asked, his voice sounding really icy.
‘Er, naw, sir.’
‘Well, oan ye go then,’ he’d commanded, sounding irritated and no gieing me any eye contact…which at the time, wis a bit ae relief, given whit the Sarge hit me wae next.
Sergeant Burke informed me that Inspector Bobby Mack’s loving wife hid marched in tae Central, in bits, demanding tae speak tae Daddy Jackson, while her man wis away doon south escorting some murderer back up north. Within five seconds ae confronting him aboot some wee WPC trollop that wis shagging that unfaithful husband ae hers, she’d then upped the ante by throwing a copy ae a letter that she’d jist handed in tae Teddy Bare, the force’s senior personnel officer. It hid been addressed tae Jack Tipple, The Assistant Chief Constable. The wife also weepily informed Daddy Jackson that she’d arranged tae go and speak tae Sammy ‘The Rat’ Elliot at four o’clock that very efternoon, alang at The Glesga Echo offices oan Hope Street. Whit a state she wis in apparently. She’d threatened tae expose whit hid been gaun oan fur the last twenty years, unless they did something aboot me,” Collette hid sniffed, beginning tae sob again, as nurse Jackson handed her o’er another tissue.
“Hiv ye telt anywan else whit ye’ve jist telt me, Collett
e?” The nurse hid asked.
“Naw.”
“Whit dae ye think she meant when she said that she wis gonnae expose whit hid been gaun oan fur the past twenty years?”
“Ah don’t know…tae be honest, Ah never thought aboot that. Ah wis in too much ae a shock.”
“Wis there any particular reason…Ah mean, why she’d go tae this this Yogi…”
“Teddy…”
“…Bare wan, the personnel officer, fur example?”
“Senga, Ah don’t think ye understaun the situation Ah’ve found masel in…this wis, like, Superintendent Jackson himsel. Hiv ye any idea who this guy is? Naw? Aye, Ah didnae think so.”
Silence.
“Ah’ve heard ae him through campaigning stuff Ah’m involved in…and it wisnae pleasant, so it wisnae. So, whit happened next?”
“Whit happened next?” she’d replied, laughing bitterly. “Ah wis bloody-well bumped up tae Possilpark. At first, it wis supposed tae be Yoker. Ah wis staunin scanning the big street map behind the desk in reception, looking tae see how Ah wis supposed tae get there, when The Sarge suddenly arrived back and telt me that there’d been a change ae plans and that Ah wis tae heid up and speak tae an Inspector Dougan…aye, right there and then. It wis as quick as that,” she’d said, snapping her fingers. “Ah wis warned that, under nae circumstances, wis Ah tae talk tae or approach Bobby Mack at any time noo or in the future or tae breathe a word aboot oor, er, wee affair. At the time Ah could understaun that it wis right and proper that Chief Inspector Mack’s marriage should be protected…even though Ah’d always been under the impression that him and his wife hid split up. Anyway, Duggie Dougan turned oot tae be an even bigger shitehoose than Bobby Mack ever wis. The first time Ah found masel up in front ae him, Ah thought Ah wis gonnae be getting ma jotters, so Ah did. It wis oan ma third domestic in as many days ae arriving up in Possil. The call hid come in at aboot hauf eleven oan a Saturday night. The caller hid said that some wummin wis been murdered up in Barloch Street. By the time masel and another polisman arrived, the poor soul wis cowering in a corner ae the living room. She could barely speak. Her face wis swollen up like a balloon efter he’d held her by the hair and used her face as a fitba. He’d then lifted up a chair and smashed it o’er her heid, splitting it wide open…aw because she hidnae bought any ae the local black butcher’s liver aff ae him when he wis daeing the roonds aroond the doors. When Ah confronted her man aboot her injuries, he’d jist stood there and shrugged they shoulders ae his. Ah wis so mad at him, that Ah jist whisked oot ma baton and scudded the bugger right there and then. Split his heid wide open, so Ah did.”
“Oh ma God. So, whit did yer partner dae?”
“At first he looked surprised…shocked even, before bursting oot laughing. Of course, the wife put in a complaint against me later oan, efter her man hid received nine stitches, and that’s why Ah wis hauled up in front ae the inspector. Oh, the inspector could be a right charmer, jist like the best ae them, and before Ah knew it, he wis telling me that he’d look efter me until Ah settled in. He personally took me oot and aboot, taking part in raids, arresting real baddies. Ma heid wis spinning hauf the time, so it wis. Wan Friday night, at the junction ae Bilsland Drive and Maryhill Road, a call came through alerting everywan that The Silver Arrow wis oan the loose and that aw cars in the vicinity ae the West End wur tae precede in the direction ae Great Western or Dumbarton Road. The Inspector screamed at me, flushed wae excitement, tae heid straight in tae the West End. Everything became a blur, so it did. The blue light oan the roof wis flashing, reflecting aff ae the shoap front windaes as we flew past, the siren wis wailing and he wis screaming at the tap ae his voice at me tae go faster and faster doon Hyndland Road. When we reached the junction ae Hyndland Street, a disappointed voice came o’er the radio, informing everywan tae staun doon. It hid been a false alarm. That flat ae mine in Lawrence Street wis nearby. Ah stupidly invited him up fur a cuppa and …”
“And?”
“We ended up…in bed,” she’d admitted tae the nurse, embarrassed. “That wis the start ae it. The affair his been gaun oan fur the past three months noo, until…two days ago.”
“And, is it him that ended it?” she’d asked Collette. “Did he say why?”
“Naw. Wan minute everything seemed tae be gaun fine and dandy, at least it hid been fae ma end, and then the next, Ah wis dumped. The first Ah knew aboot it wis when he hurt his haun, scudding it aff a violent prisoner’s heid, while trying tae restrain him. Ah’d jist returned wae the first aid box tae strap his haun up wae a crepe bandage as he’d refused tae go tae hospital tae get it X-rayed. He jist casually informed me that Ah wis tae be transferred oot tae Yoker where, according tae him, a colleague, a good pal ae his, wid look efter me,” she’d wept.
“And ye said this Inspector Dougan wis, er married,” Senga hid asked.
“Aye…bit dae ye know whit’s strange, Senga? Ah still love him,” she’d sobbed, as the nurse hid held her tight.
“Look, Collette, the fact that he’s married. Dis that no put a different slant oan things?”
“Like whit?”
“Like, maybe he’s decided tae try and sort things oot at hame?”
“Ah love him.”
“Aye, Ah know, Collette, that’s obvious. Bit maybe ye’ll jist hiv tae, somehow, back away fae this man noo,” Senga hid said gently.
“Bit why?”
“Because he’ll end up destroying ye. That’s why.”
“Ah think this is different tae whit it wis like wae Inspector Mack, so it is.”
“Collette…”
“Naw, really. Inspector Mack never ever telt me that he loved me…Inspector Dougan his.”
“Look, Ah need tae get back tae ma work. Ah’ll try and get back up tae see ye before they discharge ye. There’s a good pal ae mine, Geraldine Baker…she’s the wee chirpy nurse oan the ward. If ye want somewan tae talk tae, talk tae her. She’s a fab person, so she is, and ye kin trust her. In the meantime, take this number and gie them a phone if ye’re feeling that ye urnae coping.”
“Who ur they?”
“They’re a wummin’s support group…an organisation that Ah’m involved in. They’ll listen tae ye, in confidence, and try and help ye sort oot the best way forward. Trust me…trust them,” she’d said, staunin up.
“Bit Ah’m a cop, a bizzy,” she’d hit Senga wae. “They widnae want tae help somewan like me.”
“Collette, hen, ye’re a wummin, whether ye’re a polis officer or a school cook or a nurse in a place like this. We aw need tae stick thegither, the same way as aw these men hiv been daeing fur hundreds ae years,” she’d replied wae a wave ae her haun, smiling, before disappearing behind the curtain.
Of course, she hidnae telt the nurse, Senga Jackson, that Duggie hid asked the sarge, Skanky Smith, tae gie them a few minutes thegither before confessing his love fur her and chastising her fur gieing him such a fright. Whit she needed tae understaun wis that he hid a wife, family…responsibility. He claimed that he’d panicked due tae stress. Of course he wisnae transferring her oot tae Yoker, bit they’d need tae cool it fur a while, tae let the heat die doon wae that wife ae his. Collette looked doon at the sound ae the purring. Mr Hopkins wis looking up at her. She leaned forward and gied him another wee scratch behind that ear ae his again, before staunin up and taking a deep breath. Efter looking aboot, tae make sure she hidnae furgoatten anything fur the umpteenth time, she heided fur the lobby and the ootside door beyond, tae start back tae work, two weeks efter she’d tried, and thankfully failed, tae take her ain life.
Chapter Sixteen
Elvis felt nervous and oan edge, as he took a wee sip ae his tea. He wondered if his worry wis apparent tae the other regulars, sitting there engrossed in their contemplations. He widnae want tae gie people the impression that his work issues wur as serious as theirs. He cringed at that last thought. He didnae mean it like that. Who the hell did he think he wis, he chastised himsel. God, if Pricilla knew he wis t
hinking like that, he’d get some earful, so he wid. There wis absolutely nothing wrang wae the roomful ae wummin, sitting aroond aboot him, admittedly, some looking a wee bit shell-shocked, even though it hid only turned ten clock oan a Monday morning. He noticed that a few ae the others wur gaun fur it big-style as well, sitting there muttering away quietly tae themselves, clearly trying tae rationalise why it seemed tae be always happening tae them and nowan else. He wis comforted tae see that there wur a few sitting there looking serene, who only the week before, hid looked as if suicide wis the only way oot. He wondered if they’d taken up yoga. Pricilla hid read oot an article fae The Sunday Echo o’er breakfast. Seemingly Quentin Bagshaw, the paper’s lifestyle guru said that it wis aw the rage wae the wummin across in Kelvinside.
He thought about Barbara Allan, The Purple Crusader hersel, cooncillor fur the Keppochhill ward up in Springburn, elected efter wan ae the local wummin, a Helen Taylor, against aw the odds a few years back, hid drapped deid efter miraculously clearing the boards oan election night. He’d never come across any ae his colleagues, admittedly the male wans, that hid a good word tae say aboot The Purple Persuader. Cooncillor Allan wis married tae Calypso Allan, wan ae the better JPs, if there wis such a thing, doon in the Central District Court. It hid been exclusively revealed in The Glesga Echo earlier in the year, that Calypso Allan wis a renowned percussionist and cymbal maker by aw accounts. He made cymbals fur aw these world famous drummers including DJ Fontana, Elvis’s drummer, and Jerry Allison, the drummer wae Buddy Holly and The Crickets. Seemingly, Calypso hid trundled aff tae sign up fur the new children’s panel that hid been established a few years earlier tae deal wae aw the young toe-rags under the age ae sixteen, insteid ae dragging them through the adult court system. Calypso hid insteid gone in tae the wrang room and hid ended up signing up tae be considered as a Justice ae the Peace. The feature oan him in the newspaper hid also revealed that he’d jist been successful in forming the first ever Caribbean Steel Drum Band in Scotland. Efter being awarded an OBE or an MBE or whitever by the Queen, he’d caused a bit ae a stir by letting some bright young student aff wae a warning fur being caught smoking a joint in a public place efter she’d jist sat her final law degree exam. He’d been attacked fur no fining or jailing her by people in influential positions ae power. His magnanimity hid allowed the lassie tae be able tae pursue her career in law. The polis, of course, hid been outraged by it, claiming that it wis sending oot the wrang signals tae young people, while Harold Sliver in The Evening Citizen, wrote that it took wan hash-heid tae recognise another, which caused condemnation fae aw sorts ae quarters. A few weeks later, somewan hid put his name forward and he’d ended up becoming the rector ae Glesga University in a landslide election, thus joining famous celebrities like Arthur Montford, the fitba pundit and Govan’s ain public enemy number wan, orator Jimmy Reid. So, hivving hitched her horse tae the same post as somewan who wis associated wae Elvis’s drummer, it wid’ve only seemed reasonable fur people tae expect that Barbara Allen wid’ve come across as being a wee belter hersel. In fact, noo that he thought aboot it…belter wis probably no that far aff ae the mark in describing her. It hidnae taken Mrs Ma-Favourite-Colour-Is-Purple Allan, that long tae inform him that his obvious choice in music wis utter shite.
