by Ian Todd
“Well get yer bloody finger oot ae ma way then, Sharon, fur Christ’s sake,” Issie shouted, putting Zorro tae shame wae that flowing signature ae hers.
Chapter Thirty Four
Collette wisnae too sure if turning up at his door wis the right thing tae dae. His work telt her that they thought his phone at hame wis oan the blink. She hesitated before pressing the doorbell button. The attempted arrest ae Streaky John hid gone aw tits up and she wis getting the blame.
“Who the fuck gied ye permission tae go and try and arrest somewan like Streaky John McGinnis, eh?” The Inspector hid demanded tae know, efter she wis hauled in tae his office.
“Ah tried tae tell him, bit he widnae….”
“Shurrupp!” he’d bawled. “Noo, you listen up and listen up good, madam. You and that bloody weirdo, Jerry Lee, Carl Perkins or Roy Fucking Orbison, whitever he’s calling himsel this week, ur bloody-well lucky ye didnae get yer throats slit and made in tae a mince pie…”
“It’s Elvis,” she retorted, reminding him. “Ah’ll also take this opportunity tae remind ye that Ah’ve been a professional noo fur three years and it may come as a surprise tae ye that somewan like me might happen tae know whit the hell Ah’m daeing.”
“Is this whit this is aw aboot?” he barked. “You…bloody-well using that eejit tae get back at me…is that it? Jist because Ah suggested transferring ye oot tae Yoker recently tae gain mair experience?”
“That’s no…”
“Oh, fur Christ’s sake, Collette, whit ur ye like, lassie?”
“Of course it isnae,” she replied defensively.
“Is she taking the piss or whit?” he’d turned and growled at Skanky Smith before returning tae the subject in haun. “These guys don’t gie a monkey’s fuck whit they fill their pies wae. Noo, Ah don’t gie a shit aboot some wee scummy sani man disappearing, bit Ah won’t hiv any ae ma pavement pounders being bumped aff o’er the heids ae some misunderstanding or communication breakdoon.”
“They wur breaking the law, so they wur,” she retorted. “Ma job, as Ah understood it, wis tae escort The Sani Man and act as his liaison, including making arrests, if need be.”
“Don’t you fucking dare staun there contradicting me, ya selfish imbecile, ye. This is ma station and you’re under ma command. If you’ve goat a problem wae that, then get tae fuck oot ae here. Nowan goes near any ae these organised basturts withoot first gaun through me, so they don’t.”
“Well, nowan informed me.”
“Whit the hell wid anywan want tae inform somewan like you fur?”
Silence.
“Right, Ah’m too busy cleaning up your mess tae be staunin here talking tae the likes ae you. Wan ae yer colleagues, Sonny Green, wis severely assaulted last night. If Ah find oot that this wis in retaliation fur you gaun in there, aw guns blazing, then Ah’ll personally make sure ye’re run oot ae the service, so Ah will. Ye’re suspended fur a week…”
“Bit…”
“Taking effect immediately. How we’re gonnae get somewan tae cover yer warrant sales this week, Ah don’t know. Ah’ll contact Teddy Bare doon in personnel. When ye come back, we kin discuss yer imminent transfer. In the meantime, ye better buck up yer ideas, hen, and stoap aw this fannying aboot. Ah don’t hiv the time tae wipe ma ain arse, far less tae clean yours as well,” he’d barked at her, nodding tae Skanky tae evict her oot ae his office.
That hid been jist before wan o’clock in the efternoon. Fourteen hours later, at three o’clock in the morning when she’d been in a deep sleep, he’d let himsel intae her flat and slipped intae bed beside her. When she’d suddenly awoken, startled, he’d clamped his haun across her mooth before proceeding tae hiv sex wae her. She’d tried tae struggle away fae him as his haun wis hurting her awready sore face, bit he’d held oan tae her, no saying anything, other than making grunting noises, as he thrust in tae her, his breathing rasping and rattling above her face. When he’d rolled aff, it hidnae been oan tae his back, bit straight tae the edge ae the bed where he’d preceded tae put his underpants and troosers oan under the light ae the street lamp shining through her unlined curtains.
“How the fuck kin ye sleep wae that constant racket gaun oan below,” he’d growled.
Before she could ask him whit the hell wis gaun oan, he’d lifted up his jaicket and heided fur the bedroom door.
“Duggie?” she’d shouted oot efter him.
“Ah cannae speak jist noo, Ah’m in a hurry,” he’d grumbled in whit sounded like a warning, as Mr Hopkins let oot a squeal ae pain followed by his parting shot ae “Fucking cat!” as the landing door wis pulled shut behind him.
Wae the sound ae her ootside door still ringing in her ears, she’d nipped oot ae bed and run across the carpet tae the windae and looked doon oan tae the semi-dark street. The car hid been parked directly underneath her flat windae. He’d gone in tae the driver’s seat, so she wisnae too sure if anywan like Skanky Smith wis wae him. She knew she couldnae go oan like this. She felt used. Efter watching the squad car disappearing doon the street, she’d gone back tae bed and lain weeping, listening tae the faint sounds ae Ray Charles’s voice singing ‘Ah Can’t Stoap Loving You’ fae auld Maggie’s gramophone, underneath her bedroom flair, trying, bit failing, tae convince hersel that whitever wis wrang, wisnae her fault. She’d sat by the phone maist ae the day, willing it tae ring. When it hid, it hid only been the dry cleaners, letting her know that her dress and jaicket wur ready tae be picked up. Why hid he no phoned? Wis she still suspended? Despite soaking in the bath fur o’er an hour when she’d goat up in the morning, she’d still felt used. She’d wondered if it wis because ae her work in the sex street squad? Could experienced guys like Bobby Mack and Duggie Dougan tell jist by looking at her? At first, she’d been amused, then fascinated, then disgusted, that guys could jist saunter or drive up and hiv sex wae a total stranger that hid probably hid sex wae a dozen or so guys before him.
“Ach, it’s a guy thing. At the end ae the day, they’re aw jist a kick away fae being animals, when ye think aboot it,” her sarge, Sally Burke, hid said at the time.
Christ, she’d heard ae guys getting charged wae rape fur less than whit he’d done, turning up and sneaking in tae a bed and…and…whit?
Stobhill hid been a nightmare. It wis probably jist as well he’d left the lights aff. She looked like a panda withoot her make-up oan. Her nose wisnae broken bit it wis tender and sore, despite her hivving taking a double doze ae aspirin. Elvis hid goat intae an argument wae wan ae the young doctors who’d wanted tae shave the front ae his heid where his bouffant, bop or whitever they called it these days, wis stuck tae his heid. He’d been telt they couldnae put stitches in the wound, withoot shaving a patch roond aboot it.
“Ah’m in the quarter finals ae the ‘Elvis Is The Main Man Event’ competition’ across at The Plaza. There’s no way Ah’m gaun up oan that stage withoot a full heid ae hair, so there’s no, so jist stitch away, pal,” he’d growled at the doctor, before telling wan ae the Springburn pavement pounders tae mind his ain business and that he’d shout if he damn well wanted tae, his Sani Man ID card being ignored, as he wis put in hauncuffs and charged wae breach ae the peace and assault, the stupid eejit. Before arriving doon at Springburn Polis Station, tae see him, she’d nipped in tae the ward tae see how Sonny Green wis daeing, bit he’d been transferred doon tae The Royal because ae concerns wae his breathing. Surely he wisnae attacked because ae her and Elvis turning up tae arrest that Streaky John wan, she told hersel, as her finger pressed the wee white button. She could hear the buzzer sound somewhere in the distance, cutting through somewan singing.
“Collette?” an attractive looking wummin asked, beckoning her in, as she stood aside tae let her past, tae the sound ae Elvis singing aboot wishing he wis back in Dixie.
“Glory, Glory, Hallelujah-ah…Glory, Glory, Hallelujah-ah…his truth goes marching aw-aw-aw-on!”
“See whit Ah hiv tae put up wae?” a young lassie asked her, smiling, dipping her Bourbon Cream bisc
uit in tae her glass a milk, before taking a bite oot ae it. “Oh, and in case Ah furget, ma name’s Lisa Marie, so it is.”
“Is that yer da singing live? Ah’ve never heard him sing before. It sounds okay tae me, so it dis,” she replied, pleasantly surprised.
“Aye, well, Ah cannae get in tae ma bed at night fur him hogging ma wardrobe door mirror, so Ah cannae,” Lisa Marie telt her.
“Kin Ah get ye a cup ae tea, Collette?”
“Aye…three sugars wid be fine.”
“Oh, and ma name’s Pricilla. Ah’m Elvis’s better hauf,” she said smiling, as The King next door started up again.
“Wise Me-en say…Ah-only fools…rush in…”
“Ye must be, er, very proud ae him…getting tae the quarter finals ae the competition and aw that.”
“Aye, he’s been waiting fur this tae happen fur years, so he his. He sees this as his big chance at stardom.”
“Whit? He thinks he could dae this as a real job then?”
“We’re gonnae win a big fancy American car wae fins oan the back…well, hauf an American car, as some ae it wis made in England,” Lisa Marie informed her, making steering wheel motions wae they hauns ae hers.
“He seems tae think there’s money and a career in it, bit Ah’m no convinced masel. Bit, then again, whit’s money goat tae dae wae anything, if ye’re daeing something ye love, eh?” Pricilla asked her, smiling fae across at the kettle.
Collette looked aboot. She tried tae put a finger oan it and then it hit her. Everything…the red and cream design ae the contoured kitchen units, the shiny stainless steel table and red vinyl covered, padded chairs, sitting oan tap ae chequered black and white flair tiles…wis straight oot ae a 1950s American diner. Christ, even Pricilla and the daughter, Lisa Marie, wur wearing white bobby-socks, she noticed.
“Yer kitchen looks…looks absolutely…”
“Weird?” Lisa Marie interjected, smiling.
“Ah wis gonnae say fabulous actually,” Collette laughed. “Aye, it dis come across as being a wee bit 1950s strange tae start wae, bit the colours and the stainless steel door handles are oot ae this world, so they ur. Ah’ve never seen anything like it.”
“We goat the kitchen units second-haun, bit they still cost us a fortune, so they did. The company that made them is called English Rose. They wur made doon south and cost an erm and a leg back in nineteen fifty-five, when they wur first made. Seemingly they made Elvis’s kitchen at Graceland.”
“And if they’re good enough fur Elvis…” Lisa Marie muttered under her breath, smiling and winking at The WPC, as she heided fur the door.
“Remember noo, Lisa, six o’clock,” Priscilla called efter her daughter’s back as she disappeared through the door. “And Ah thought Ah asked ye tae change oot ae yer school uniform?”
“That’s no you, is it?” Collette asked, surprised, noticing the wee smiling face in the black and white photo, peeking oot at her fae behind a bowl ae fruit oan the unit.
“Aye, it is,” Priscilla laughed, picking it up and haunin it across tae Collette.
“Whit year wis this then?”
“Jist efter Ah wis accepted in tae the force…aboot 1961. It wisnae like it is nooadays, so it wisnae. There wisnae a lot ae us wummin in uniform oan the go up here in Scotland at the time. Ah think Edinburgh hid quite a few though.”
“So, where wur ye based?”
“Central and Maryhill.”
“Me tae…well, Ah wis until earlier in the year.”
“It seems such a long time ago noo.”
“So, whit happened then?”
“Lisa Marie happened.”
“Dae ye no miss it?”
“Ah loved it…at the time, bit then again,” Pricilla said, guardedly. “Yer priorities in life change and something else takes o’er and ye move oan.”
“Ye sound as if ye still dae.”
“Whit?”
“Miss it.”
“Ah miss the job and the excitement ae being oot and aboot catching the bad guys, bit…”
“Bit?”
“Ah couldnae staun the hypocrites Ah hid tae work beside, the shite Ah hid tae contend wae, aw the macho sexist crap and the lack ae support fae colleagues when the chips wur doon,” Pricilla admitted, suddenly sounding bitter. “And the corruption?”
“Well, if it makes ye feel any better, it’s still pretty much the same.”
“Oh, somehow, Ah don’t think so, Collette,” Pricilla retorted. “Nothing could’ve been as bad as when Ah popped up and announced that Ah wis single and pregnant…Ah mean, at the time, it hidnae been that long since single mothers in their teens wur being locked away in convents by their families.”
“Christ.”
“Aye, Ah know, and Ah wisnae the only wan either,” Pricilla sighed, brightening up and smiling across at the wall as Elvis started howling that he wis ‘Stuck Oan You’.
“He’s actually really good, so he is. Dae ye think he’s referring tae you when he’s singing that wan?” Collette asked, as they baith smiled.
“Probably. He’s good that way, so he is. He still treats me as if we’re still dating insteid ae hivving been married fur the past ten years.”
“Aw, is that no nice?”
“Aye, Ah still cannae believe ma luck in finding somewan like him efter…” Pricilla replied, her voice suddenly fading, looking a bit embarrassed.
“Talking ae which, how’s that heid ae his?” Collette asked, quickly changing the subject as Pricilla’s face started tae flush again.
“Ach, he’s much better the day. He wis terribly upset last night, so he wis. He feels he let ye doon.”
“Me?”
“Aye. He says he didnae see whit wis in the haun ae the man who assaulted him until it wis too late. He says that everything happened in slow-motion efter that,” Pricilla replied, bringing o’er their teas and sitting doon. “He wisnae wrang when he said that yer face took a wee bit ae a hammering.”
“Aye, the bugger battered it aff ae a corrugated fence. He wisnae looking tae be taking any prisoners, that wan.”
“Dae ye know who done it?”
“Oh, aye. Cheers,” Collette said, lifting the Elvis mug up tae her bruised lips.
“Wis he arrested?”
“Who?”
“The man that cracked open ma man’s skull, concussing him?”
“No as yet.”
“Bit it’s oan the cards, right?”
“Er, the investigation is continuing, so it is,” Collette mumbled fae behind her steaming cup. “Whit makes ye think he’s suffering fae concussion?”
“He wis babbling aboot being arrested himsel last night, bit Ah jist put that doon tae the affects ae a metal object being whacked aff ae that heid ae his.”
“Er, there wis a wee bit ae confusion up at Stobhill tae start wae, bit it wis soon sorted oot by that inspector ae mine, so it wis.”
“Good fur him, Collette. Kin ye pass oan ma appreciation? Ye know, he takes a lot ae stick jist fur the way he dresses, walking aboot like something oot ae the fifties, bit he’s a genuinely nice person, so he is. Wid gie ye his last penny oot ae that pocket ae his.”
“Aye, Ah’m sure he is…everywan up at the station kin tell that his heart’s in the right place, so it is,” Collette lied. “He’s certainly fast becoming a legend as well,” she added, as the baith ae them smiled.
“And you tell that Jerry Lee Lewis wan, that if any ae the pavement pounders catch sight ae that collapsed arse ae his anywhere near Possil, then Ah’m gonnae clamp the basturt in irons, so Ah will. You mark ma words!” The Inspector hid bawled at her as she wis being evicted oot in tae the corridor by Skanky Smith.
“Ah think that’s you noo,” Pricilla said, breaking in tae her thoughts.
“Eh?”
“Ye kin probably go in noo. That’s him finished his Plaza set,” she replied, smiling, nodding towards the door in the lobby that hid an ‘Auld Rock’n’Roller Keep Oot’ sign stuck oan it, that Lisa Marie
hid obviously haunmade.
Chapter Thirty Five
“Ladies, Ladies, come in, sit down…please,” Harold MacMillan, The Clydeside Bank branch manager beamed, efter scurrying across tae the door before staunin aside wae a sweep ae his erm, as the gaggle ae wummin who’d been causing aw the noise, suddenly aw fell quiet, as they wur beckoned intae the hallowed innards ae that mahogany-lined, swanky office ae his. Fur a brief second, he felt a wee twinge ae regret that the gaggle ‘ooh-ing and ah-ing’ clearly widnae appreciate, if they wur informed, that they wur in the presence ae a distant relation ae his namesake, Harold, the former Prime Minister ae Great Britain and Northern Ireland, wae aw the wee tin-pot dominions slung in. That wee softener, which he casually drapped in tae the conversation every noo and again, wis wan ae the many hooks he used tae impress new potential customers, in order tae convince them that they, and their money, wur in safe hauns. The fact that he’d been at the wrang end ae a double-barrelled shotgun, not wance, bit twice, in the Toonheid back in the 60s and across in Maryhill in 1972, where two polismen hid been blasted during a haud-up, never appeared tae hiv dented his customer’s confidence in him, although it wisnae something that he ever voluntarily brought up. Of course, wan look at the motley group ae dishevelled wummin staunin there, looking overawed, littering the middle ae that good Turkish carpeted office ae his, informed him that there wis nae profit tae be hid by that disclosure. That type ae name-drapping wid’ve been as effective as a watery fart against a hurricane wae this bunch. Mind you, he felt a wee bit flustered himsel noo. He usually kept new customers waiting fur the mandatory twenty minutes efter their allotted time slot wae him. It gied them time tae sit and be impressed by the worker bees, buzzing away behind the individual customer coonter grills, advertising tae potential new savers that they wur witnessing The Clydeside’s finest, coonting other people’s money, which in turn, wis meant tae convey a picture that, if it wis good enough fur the bank’s existing customers, then it wid be damn well fine fur anywan else, sitting at hame oan their arses, worrying aboot the contents ae their life savings stuffed in the mattress through in the recess or back bedroom. It hid been the sound ae the commotion oot front that hid disturbed his contemplation and which hid inevitably led these…these wummin, tae darken his frosted glass door, bang oan their allotted time.
