by Ian Todd
“Look, ye know Lesley Bare. She’s such a cow. Best pal or no, Ah’ll end up getting masel arrested.”
“Collette, only you kin make that decision,” Priscilla hid advised her. “Bit, if it wis me, Ah know whit Ah’d dae.”
She looked up as the glass door opened, letting in a cauld draught. It wis jist an auld couple. The auld dear blocked oot her view as she took aff her rainmate and gied it a wee shake before folding it up as she followed that man ae hers across tae a table. They looked as if they hidnae a care in the world as the good looking waiter took their order. She wisnae too sure if the emptiness ae the Kings Café wis a good thing or no. She looked at her Timex again. Lesley wis fifteen minutes late, which in itsel, wisnae unusual. Whit wis unusual wis whit she wis aboot tae hit her wae. Between her and Priscilla, they’d worked oot a wee plan. Collette wis worried that wance she showed Lesley Priscilla’s written testimony, she widnae haun it back. She smiled, wondering whit wan the waiter wid jump in tae save if her and Lesley ended up rolling aboot oan the flair? She followed the waiter’s arse, watching him lay doon two mugs and a plate containing an Empire biscuit and a wee Paris bun. Before Nice Arse hid even invited them tae enjoy, Granda hid awready slipped oot his two full set ae teeth, clearly appreciating the sound, as they clattered aff the white tea plate seconds efter he’d reached o’er and picked up the Paris Bun and dipped it intae his hot chocolate before taking a bite. Fascinating though that wis, the shadow that hid suddenly appeared at her table, announced that her best pal, WPC Lesley Bare, hid arrived.
“So,” Lesley said, debunking her coat and shoulder bag oan tae the seat in the wee booth beside her. “Ye’re sitting oan yer ain then?” she asked, eyebrows lifted, plapping her arse doon opposite, while slipping a fag oot ae her packet.
“Who else wur ye expecting like?”
“Don’t get catty wae me, Collette James. Not wance did ye even think tae come across and say ‘hello’ tae me. Not wance. Ye embarrassed that wee ma ae mine, so ye did. She’s affronted, as Ah am.”
“Lesley, Ah’ve only ever been introduced tae yer ma the wance and if ma memory serves me right, she wis as pissed as a nun, so she wis.”
“Aye, it’s true whit they say. The best form ae defence is attack,” Lesley cursed, lighting up the fag.
“Ladies?” Nice Arse asked.
“A pot ae tea fur two,” Lesley replied, fluttering her eyelashes at him, as the baith ae them followed the trajectory ae they cheeks ae his as he heided back tae the coonter wae the order.
“How come ye’re no in there?” Lesley chided her. “Fuck, if only Ah wis single again,” she sighed.
“Ye say that tae me every single time we come here, so ye dae,” Collette replied nervously, her stomach churning, wondering how she wis gonnae bring up the deid nurse’s file.
“And you always sit there hivving no done anything aboot it,” she pouted, as the waiter lay doon the teapot and cups. “So yer wee ugly midget pal and that hacket wife and retarded daughter ae his will be well pleased then?” Lesley hissed, blowing oot a stream ae smoke intae Collette’s face.
“Ach, Lesley, it wis only a competition. Nowan died, so they didnae,” Collette replied dismissively, pouring the tea, glad that the competition wis getting done and dusted before they moved oan tae the business in haun.
“Listen, if ye could’ve seen the amount ae consoling Ah’ve hid tae dae the last two weeks, ye widnae be coming oot wae that kind ae shite. Poor Teddy couldnae make his work oan the Monday, despite how busy he is. Poor wee Junior came oot oan a rash efter pishing the bed tae boot. So, don’t sit there and come oot wae crap like that, Collette. It disnae suit ye, so it disnae.”
“Ah wis only saying.”
“Well, don’t. Ah’m telling ye, if that man ae mine finds oot Ah’m sitting here talking tae ye, well, Ah don’t know whit he’d dae. He’d be bloody fizzing, so he wid. He said he couldnae believe the disloyalty oan display oot there in that crowd, wae you jumping up and doon like some wee floozy while that wee chimp wis up there squawking like a bloody strangled goat.”
“Oh, Lesley…”
“Naw, don’t ‘Oh, Lesley’ me. Ah thought we wur the best ae pals, eh?”
“We ur.”
“So, why the hell wur you sitting wae that Priscilla wan, talking aw the way through Teddy’s set. Hiv ye any idea the work he put intae that, only tae get it blagged fae right under that nose ae his?”
Silence.
“There’s a full investigation oan the go, ye know.”
“Investigation? Oan whit?”
“Oan that bloody Chip Munk and Frankie MacDonald wan. Judges? That pair ae faggots couldnae judge two monkeys hivving a shit, so they couldnae. Somewan goat tae them, so they did, and that Teddy ae mine is gonnae find oot who.”
Silence.
“Right, okay. Don’t sit there and gie me that look. That’s me done. Ah’m gonnae change the subject, bit don’t get me started…ye’ll need tae be sensitive noo. Ah cannae take much mair ae this.”
“Er…”
“Whit?” Lesley demanded, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.
“How well did ye know Teddy before ye goat married?” Collette asked, gulping and feeling like puking up oan tae the coloured plastic tablecloth.
“Eh?”
“Ah mean, it wisnae a long romance, wis it?”
“Collette, hen, whit the fuck ur ye babbling oan aboot noo?” she demanded tae know, stubbing oot her fag before lighting up another wan.
”Ah’m jist asking?”
“Ah met him efter you and me finished oor training. Ah wis hinging aboot the reception when he came up and asked if Ah wanted tae dae ma probation in the Serious Crime and Intelligence section and that wis that.”
“And?”
“And whit?”
“How long wis it before ye goat thegither?”
“Ye mean, how long did it take him tae get intae they knickers ae mine?” she asked coyly, smiling.
“Er, aye, something like that.”
“Let’s see noo. Ah turned up at Pitt Street oan the Monday…Oh aye, Ah remember noo…oan the Tuesday Ah wis jist heiding oot the front entrance and he wis staunin oan the pavement waiting tae cross the road and a big Barr’s Irn-Bru wagon deliberately sped past him through the puddle that wis in front ae him, even though he wis in civvies. Soaked him tae the bone, so it did. Ah wis still staying in that pokey wee shitty rented flat across in Granville Street at the time, so Ah offered tae make him a cup ae tea while his troosers dried oot in front ae ma two bar electric fire.”
“That wis it?”
“We’ve been at it like John and Yoko ever since,” she admitted, laughing.
“Happily at it?”
“Naw, hating every minute ae it,” she shot back. “Fur Christ’s sake, Collette, whit the hell ur ye rabbiting oan aboot?”
“Ah’ve come across, er, a pile ae letters, so Ah hiv.”
“And?”
“And they’re full ae allegations aboot polis officers, inspectors…when they wur still only sergeants…”
“And?”
“And, er, the allegations concern sexual harassment gaun back a fair few years, so they dae.”
“Years?”
“Aw the way back tae the early 60s, up tae the present.”
“So?”
“Aye, well, Teddy his been implicated in there,” she said as clearly as she could, squeezing they thighs ae her thegither against her clasped hauns.
“Fuck aff!”
“Ah’m telling ye, Lesley, and they’re no lightweight allegations either.”
“Whit’s that supposed tae mean?”
“Rape.”
“Rape?” Lesley yelped, as the two auld yins jumped in their seat wae fright, as she snatched up her fag packet, lighting another wan up.
Silence.
“Collette, hen, Ah don’t know whit ye hid fur yer breakfast this morning, bit whitever went oan between you and that Duggie Dougan his fuck aw tae dae wa
e anywan else bit youse pair. Christ, Ah think Ah’m gonnae throw up,” Lesley threatened, shaking her heid, glaring across at Collette.
“Aye, well,” Collette shrugged.
“Naw, don’t ‘Aye, well’ me. Whit the hell hiv ye been up tae?” Lesley snarled, that face ae hers turning grey and her eyes narrowing.
“Nothing. It wis an accident…Ah, Ah never intended tae come across them.”
“Across whit?”
“The letters, the ex-WPCs written testaments.”
“Oh, Ah get it noo,” Lesley forcibly laughed. “It’s that bloody Priscilla Presley or whitever it is she calls hersel these days.”
“Oh Lesley, it isnae like…”
“Ah know aw aboot that hairy. Teddy telt me he’d gone oot wae her back in the day when he wis younger. She wis the local bike up there in the station in Maryhill, so she wis,” Lesley spat. “And she’s goat you involved in that bitter plot ae hers because Teddy dumped her, alang wae everywan else in the force she shagged the arse aff ae.”
“Oh, fur goodness sake, Lesley. It isnae that. It’s mair than jist her that’s come forward. There’s mair.”
“So, whit’s the lying, sick cow saying aboot that man ae mine, eh?”
“Look. Furget it.”
“Naw, Ah maist certainly will not.”
“She says he raped her,” Collette murmured, looking aboot the café, glad that it wis starting tae fill up, as she deliberately avoided the waiter’s hopeful eyes.
“And…and, you believe that, dae ye?”
“Ah’m only saying whit Ah read.”
“Did ye know that it’s an offence tae make false allegations against a respected serving polis officer?”
“Ah’m a bizzy, remember?”
“Naw, ye’re a wee bloody tramp, Collette. Jist because Bobby Mack and then Duggie Dougan messed ye aboot, ye’re wanting tae hiv a go at everywan, including people who’ve respected and protected ye.”
“Respected and protected? Noo it’s you that’s babbling a heap ae shite, Lesley. If you hid any idea whit they basturts hiv put me through, aye, including that man ae yers, then ye’d be ashamed tae be coming oot wae that.”
“Ah cannae bloody believe this. Ma best pal tae.”
“Lesley, it’s gonnae come oot in the wash…and soon. They’re putting the evidence thegither as we speak, so they ur,” Collette warned her, taking Lesley’s hauns in hers.
“Who’s they?” Lesley recoiled, snatching her hauns away.
“The WPCs.”
“Whit WPCs?”
“The wans who’ve aw signed sworn statements. They’ve, er, been in contact wae, er, some wummin’s group, so they hiv.”
“Whit wummin’s group?” Lesley demanded tae know, her eyes narrowing again as she took another fag oot ae her packet before finishing the fag she wis awready smoking, her hauns shaking.
“The…The Showgirls,” she admitted, as Lesley’s drapped lighter clattered aff the teapot and landed in her teacup.
“See whit ye’ve gone and made me dae noo?” Lesley snarled, scooping oot the dripping lighter. “This better work or it’s your fault, so it is,” she whined, lighting up her fag, wan haun haudin the other tae stoap it fae shaking.
“Lesley, Ah’m sorry. Ah really am. Ah wis absolutely shocked and surprised masel when his name came up, so Ah wis.”
“Ah don’t believe this,” Lesley sobbed, trying bit failing tae stoap the tears running doon her cheeks.
“Here,” Collette said, taking a paper hanky fae her sleeve and haunin it across.
“Ah want tae read it fur masel,” Lesley said stiffly, suddenly sitting up in her seat, wiping the tears away.
“Ah’ve goat a copy ae the original,” Collette replied, dipping her haun intae her bag and withdrawing a folded-up typed ‘Who it may concern’ letter, laying it oan the table between them, trying tae avoid the wee splashed tea puddles.
The baith ae them sat stiffly, no moving, baith staring at the folded-up sheet ae paper fae Lisa Marie’s school bag.
“She’ll go aff her heid when she discovers Ah’ve done it again,” Priscilla hid said, smiling, tearing the page oot ae the back ae the wee maroon ABC drawing pad before heidin across tae the typewriter.
Finally, efter composing hersel as best she could, Lesley picked up the sheet. She pressed the folds thegither wae her fingers, as if trying tae feel the words contained in it, before unfolding the page. Collette watched her pal. They lips ae hers wur silently murmuring the contents, as her eyes shakily read fae left tae right across the page. At wan point, her haun shot up tae cover her lips as she glanced fearfully across at Collette. By the time she’d goat tae the bottom ae the page, the haun wis back up covering they lips ae hers, the tears running doon her cheeks in full flow noo, wae a few sobs being slung in as well. Collette hid been glad that they’d omitted the bit aboot Priscilla gieing birth tae Lisa Marie as a result ae being raped by Lesley’s man, Teddy. When she’d finished reading, she lay the page doon and placed her elbows oan the table wae her face buried in her hauns. Collette wisnae sure whit tae dae, so sat in silence, allowing her pal time tae try and come tae terms wae whit she’d jist read. Efter whit she thought wis a respectable minute ae silence and sobs, she spoke.
“Ah’m sorry, Lesley. Ah truly am, bit these people hiv tae answer fur their crimes, so they dae.”
“Crimes!” Lesley spat at her. “So, he hid an affair and it ended acrimoniously. Everywan experiences that, so they dae. That’s jist life,” Lesley growled, starting tae sob again.
“It wis bloody rape, Lesley. There ur other wummin’s testaments…polis wummin like us…like me, who’ve been subjected tae this kind ae exploitation at the start ae their careers.”
“Ah cannae believe ye’re daeing this tae me, Collette. How could ye? Efter everything Ah’ve ever done fur ye. Hivving tae sit here listening tae yer bubbling when Ah could’ve been sitting elsewhere wae ma other pals, hivving a laugh,” Lesley sobbed.
“Lesley, there might be a way oot, no fur them aw, bit certainly fur yersel…and Teddy,” Collette whispered, bit Lesley wisnae listening.
“Ye’ve jist fucking ruined ma whole life…everything Ah’ve worked fur, Collette James. Aye and Teddy and Junior’s tae,” she sobbed, shaking her heid.
“Lesley, did ye no hear whit Ah’ve jist said?”
“Everything…gone, gone.”
“Lesley, listen tae me, “ Collette repeated, leaning across and grabbing her pal by the shoulders and gieing them a wee shake. “There’s a way oot. No fur them aw, bit there is fur you and…and Teddy, and wee Junior as well, so there is,” she said through clenched teeth.
“Eh?”
“There’s nae reprieve fur aw that Irish Brigade, bit there is fur you and Teddy. Ah’ve spoken wae Priscilla…she, she’s agreed tae withdraw her letter, her written testament, so she his.”
“Because it’s aw bloody malicious lies, that’s why.”
“Whether it is or no is irrelevant, bit it comes at a price, so it dis.”
“Whit’s that supposed tae mean?” Lesley asked, wiping a stray tear fae her cheek, lighting up, as Collette nodded across tae Nice Arse tae bring them a refill.
When the waiter arrived and drapped aff the fresh cups and teapot, he went away wae a look ae disappointment oan his face, at no hivving caused a fluttering ae eyelashes and withoot getting a glance ae that tight wee bum ae his fae the table.
“As Ah’ve jist said, it means there will be nae reprieve fur The Irish Brigade, that’s whit it means, and…”
“And?” Lesley jumped in quickly, suspiciously.
“And it’ll cost you…cost us.”
Silence.
“How much?”
“Were no talking aboot money here, Lesley,” Collette scoffed, wondering where the fuck Lesley wis. “They want a file.”
“A file? Whit file? Who wants a file?”
“Them.”
‘Who’s them?
“Ah cannae say.”
/>
“The Showgirls? That’s who ye’re talking aboot, isn’t it? Oh ma God, Ah’m gonnae end up in jail fur the rest ae ma life, so Ah am, aw because ae you,” Lesley wailed quietly.
“Lesley, listen tae me. Ye’re no gonnae end up in any jail. Aye, the shit’s gonnae hit the fan and a lot ae people ur gonnae take a tumble, bit it won’t be your Teddy. He’s managed tae get aff the hook.”
“Ye’ve always hated him…and me, when Ah think aboot it. Ah grabbed a good man and you ended up wae right basturts. Why ur ye taking it oot oan me, Collette, eh? Why? Hiv Ah no been good tae you, eh?” Lesley demanded tae know, sobbing again.
“Lesley, look, we don’t hiv much time. If you want tae save that man and that marriage ae yours, even though the basturt disnae deserve it, nor somewan as good as you, then this is the only escape ticket in the toon, so it is.”
Silence.
“Ye mentioned a file?”
“The review…report, the wan that wis carried oot efter that wee nurse goat run o’er in a hit-and-run up in Stobhill a few years back efter finishing her shift.”
“That wan? Whit the hell wid they want wae that? Nothing wis uncovered. In fact, as Ah understaun it, it came up wae nothing untoward that implicated any serving polis officers fur covering up their tracks.”
“There ye go then.”
“There Ah go whit?”
“It won’t be such a loss, will it? Nowan will know that it’s gone walkies.”
“It’s too high profile that wan. There’s been a massive campaign tae get access tae it fae aw sorts ae nursing groups the past wee while, so there his. That file sits in the High Category Section in The Cove.”
“So, aw ye need tae dae is get yer hauns oan it.”
“Ah’m sorry, Collette. Bit ye hivnae a bloody clue, hiv ye?”
“Aboot whit?”
“They’ve tightened up the security alang in Pitt Street, so they hiv. That time Ah showed ye roond the place? It widnae happen noo, so it widnae. Blame the Provisional IRA fur that wan.”
“Aye, bit you work in the place. Whit’s the problem? Aw ye hiv tae dae is slip it intae yer shoulder bag and walk oot wae it.”
