by Ian Todd
“Ha, Ha, Ah wish. There’s somewan oan the inside who’ll pass it across. Aw youse need tae dae is swan oot the door wae it and nip roond here and haun it o’er tae yer Auntie Donna. Easy-peasy.”
“So, er, whit’s in the file like?”
“An overflowing vessel ae lies. The polis conducted a review oan that wee nurse’s case that goat run o’er last year, up in Stobhill. Remember?”
“Naw.”
“Ye dae. Senga Jackson and that flatmate ae hers hiv been campaigning tae get access tae it fur ages, so they hiv. It’s been in aw the papers.”
“Ur you no talking aboot Johnboy Taylor’s campaign?”
“Naw, them and aw the other nurses in the toon ur involved in getting justice fur this poor wee soul as well.”
“So, whit’s the score wae the nurse then?”
“Everywan thinks the polis wur involved in getting shot ae her because she might’ve witnessed corruption first-haun.”
“The polis? Naw!”
“See? And everywan thinks they’re whiter than white? Look at yer Possil inspector. That basturt wis prepared tae send aw youse doon the Swanee, so he wis. There’s two certainties in life that ye cannae trust because they’ll let ye doon every time, Sharon,” Donna emphasised wae her fingers. “That’s men and the polis.”
“Whit aboot cooncillors?”
“Okay, three then,” Donna agreed, adding another finger, as they cackled thegither wance again.
“Why kin this insider no jist walk oot the door wae it and haun it o’er?”
“Because there’s a security apparatus…”
“A security system? Christ, we’re no hivving tae break in tae the place, ur we?” Sharon yelped.
“Naw, naw. It’ll be a hando’er. The only problem is that the file’s kept in a secure part ae the building where the plods themsels kin get access tae read it, bit ur no allowed tae take it back tae their desks or oot the building.”
“Whit part ae the building?”
“The third flair. Hiv youse been up there?”
“Aye. It’s the only part ae the building that’s split in two. At the front, there’s the usual open space fur the typists and then there’s wee rooms, offices, where the uniformed bizzies and the braids ur holed up. At the far end, there’s a big double, frosted-glass door. Ah’ve only clocked whit happens through there when somewan’s been gaun in and oot. It looks like there’s tables, wae people sitting oan their arses sifting through stuff, reading. There’s a desk jist in tae the right where a couple ae lassies sit, booking stuff in and oot. It looks like people hiv tae sign fur stuff. Issie wis in there wance, trying tae flog some sannys tae the fat sergeant oan the desk, bit wis telt she wisnae allowed in.”
“That’s where the file is kept. There’s another big, caged, filing room beyond the reading room where everything is stored. They call it ‘The Cove.’ Youse hiv tae get in tae the reading part and haun o’er the file.”
“Ah thought ye jist said that we’re taking it oot?” Sharon asked, her brows furrowed in puzzlement, lighting up another fag.
“Ye ur, bit the file his tae be signed oot intae the reading room itsel and then signed back in. Whit youse hiv tae dae is swop a dummy file fur the original,” Donna replied, smiling, joining Sharon in lighting up.
“Why dis life hiv tae be so complicated?” Sharon cursed under her breath.
“Don’t say that. Jist think ae the good that’ll come oot ae aw this when they lying basturts ur exposed and youse hiv aw played yer part in it.”
“So, dae we know who’s haunin the file across?”
“Aye, ye’ll need tae watch oot noo. Here name’s Lesley Bare. This wan is a bloody rattlesnake, so she is. Wid sell her granny doon the river fur a sniff ae a sergeant’s stripe, so she wid. She’s caused a lot ae grief tae a helluva lot ae wummin that wan.”
“Bit ye obviously trust her?” Sharon asked, looking at Donna closely.
“Me? Ah widnae trust that catfish if ma budgie’s life depended oan it. The only thing worse than a corrupt bizzy is a female corrupt bizzy, Sharon. Across in the States she’d be labelled an Uncle Tom that wan, always will be, hence the shitehoose that she is.”
“Bit, ye expect us tae assume that she isnae gonnae suddenly whip oot a pair ae hauncuffs and slap them oan oor wrists?”
“Oh Sharon, don’t be so dramatic. Believe you me, wae whit that acquaintance ae mine his oan her, ye’ll be lucky that she disnae gie the game away by running up tae ye and kissing that crinkled arse ae yers in full sight ae everywan in that room,” Donna shouted, slapping her knee, laughing. “God, ah wish tae fuck it wis me gaun in there. Ah’d jist love tae look intae they traitorous eyes ae hers. She thinks she’s some sort ae hoity-toity cow, so she dis. It’s a pity Ah couldnae witness that humiliation ae hers in person.”
“So, why kin ye no dae it then?”
“Sharon, hen, Ah’d get lifted as soon as Ah darkened they doors alang there,” Donna hooted wae a wave ae her erm. “Christ, they’ve been trying tae haul that fanny ae mine in there fur years, so they hiv. Naw, it his tae be somewan wae access bit nae background. Youse fit the bill, so youse dae.”
“Bit, how ur we gonnae dae it, that’s whit the lassies will want tae know?”
“Ye’ll jist hiv tae wangle access tae that reading room.”
“Bit, how will we know who she is?”
“Look oot fur a tallish blonde, whose hair clearly isnae natural. Tall and skinny, eyes like a snake, smokes like a chimney and never misses a trick…or so she thinks,” Donna replied, plugging a fag intae her fancy fag holder. “Ye cannae miss her. His the cheek tae call hersel a wummin. Wance seen, never furgotten, believe you me, hen. She’s intae aulder guys wae money. That ugly basturt ae a man ae hers must be at least forty plus and her still only in her twenties. Fat slimy basturt tae boot. And corrupt? This guy invented the word, so he did. Ah’m jist biding ma time tae set the basturt up, so Ah am. He’s wan ae these back-office, lazy fucker types, so Ah cannae get access tae him, bit ye know whit they say aboot people wae pens? She actually hitched hersel tae him. No a bit ae self-respect in that reedy body ae hers. And as fur us wummin? Hates the bloody sight ae the lot ae us, so she dis.”
“So, whit happens tae her if she gets caught?”
“She’ll get the chop…and the jail,” Donna added, drawing her finger across her gullet. “Never mind, she kin always be yer gofer when youse aw land up oot in Cornton Vale. Ach, c’mone noo, Sharon. Ah’m only jesting. People like her ur survivors. That wan isnae gonnae go doon.”
‘When ur we talking aboot?”
“A week oan Thursday. The 23rd.”
“Christ.”
“Whit?”
“The lassies will aw hiv kittens wae this wan.”
“Naw they won’t. It’ll gie ye time tae dae yer planning, bit no enough fur ye tae lose sleep worrying aboot it. Remember, getting this get-oot-ae-jail-free card gets aw youse lot aff wae the poison charges, so it dis. God, Ah’d love tae be flea oan that Duggie Dougan’s arse when he reads that letter efter the procurator fiscal hauns it o’er tae him and asks fur a comment,” Donna laughed.
“Ye mean oot ae the frying pan intae the fire?”
“Well, that’s wan way ae looking at it Ah suppose, if ye’re a pessimist, which you urnae. And another thing, Sharon, hen. Don’t mention any ae this tae Ann Jackson’s daughter, Senga. This his tae be kept within the company. Hiv ye goat that, hen?”
“Loud and clear.”
“Noo, then, hiv Ah goat a money spinner fur aw youse then?” Donna The Prima Donna announced, changing the subject, as she opened up the folder that hid been sitting oan the desk in front ae her.
Chapter Sixty Six
“Is aw this no a wee bit dodgy like?” Ann asked, efter Sharon explained whit wis required. “Ah mean, we could aw end up in jail o’er this, so we could.”
“It jist means we’ve noo goat a choice,” Issie telt them.
“A choice? Whit dae ye mean a choice? It sounds ta
e me as if we don’t hiv any bloody choice,” Betty scowled, hitching up that big chest ae hers.
“We kin either get jailed fur poisoning hauf the toon or jailed fur blagging a file oot ae Pitt Street. That’s the choice,” Sharon butted in, lighting up, before adding, “If we get caught, that is.”
“See?” Issie said, nodding, tapping the side ae that nose ae hers wae her finger.
“That’s whit Ah mean. That man ae mine will bloody-well murder me if he hears Ah’m involved in any ae this kind ae shite. It won’t be fags that’ll be getting supervised this time.”
“Naw he won’t, Ann,” Sharon harrumphed dismissively.
“He bloody-well will.”
“No if ye’re in the jail, he cannae,” Issie came back wae, as everywan laughed.
“Right, furget aw that shite. Ah’ve been sitting here fur the past hour…”
“Fifteen minutes…”
“Listening tae aw youse moaning Minnies, so Ah hiv. Where hiv we goat tae?” Sharon asked, ignoring the contradiction and ducking, as a box ae matches flew o’er her heid towards Issie’s hauns.
Silence.
“C’mone then, spit it oot,” she said, as Betty blocked her view by leaning across the front ae her, taking a light fae Issie’s match. “Kin youse aw bloody settle doon?”
“Right, here goes. Issie goes intae a wee cupboard and sets it alight, making oot she’s jist hivving a wee sly fag. Betty starts screaming that the building’s burning doon and when everywan runs oot ae the room, you, Sharon, nip in and swop o’er the file. Before ye know it, we’re aw doon the stairs like the clappers and up the road,” Ann volunteered.
“Everywan walks aboot the building smoking. Why wid ye need tae be in a cupboard hivving a fly puff?” Issie asked, as aw heids turned back tae Ann.
“Because we’re oan duty and we don’t want Sharon tae catch us. That’s why,” Ann spat back, immediately oan the defensive.
“Sounds iffy tae me,” Soiled Sally volunteered.
“Okay, Sally, we’re aw waiting wae bated breath, so we ur,” Ann scowled.
“Well, excuse me, Ann. That blind dug ae mine wid’ve come up wae something far better than the pish ye’ve jist come up wae,” Sally hit her wae, looking aboot.
Silence.
“Aye, okay, yer time’s up, Sally. Spit it oot,” Betty urged. “That man ae mine’s is hame in three hours time and Ah need tae get hame tae meet him at the door tae ask if he’s hid a nice day,” Betty drawled, getting a glare fae Sally as everywan cracked up.
“Ah cannae wait tae hear the shite you come up wae, so Ah cannae,” Sally shot back, glaring across at Betty. “Right, where wis Ah before they flowing juices ae mine wur so bloody rudely interrupted? Oh, aye, so Issie’s new pal, that fat wan, whit’s her name?”
“Bella…”
“Fat arse…”
“It’s no Bella, although that arse ae hers wid be welcomed if people started shooting bows and arrows at ye,” Issie replied. “Her name’s Mary…Mary…”
“Doll…”
“Eat the breid…”
“Bell. Marybell something or other, named efter that safe blower fae the war…”
“Raminsky…”
“Marybell Raminsky, that’s her. A bigger bum than ten arses, so she is,” Betty declared, nodding.
“Look, wid youse wans let me get oan wae it?” Sally scowled in exasperation.
“Hurry up, fur fuck’s sake, Sally. The suspense is killing me, so it is,” Sharon quipped, taking a puff, as everywan, including Sally, aw burst oot laughing again.
“Youse basturts ur trying ma patience, so youse ur.”
“Sally?” Sharon warned her, gieing her the evil-eyed look that she’d picked up fae Donna The Prima Donna.
“Right, so ma new best pal, Marybell Raminsky, the wan who tried tae get us tae nip in tae let her get a pick ae the sannys before we started oan the fifth flair that first day? She’s the key here, so she is.”
“Well, considering she’s in bloody charge ae the desks in the room, it must’ve taken a lot ae deduction tae come up wae her, Sally,” Ann hit her wae, no being able tae contain hersel.
“Ah’m gonnae bloody swing fur that wee poisoned weed, so Ah am,” Sally growled, looking across at Sharon and back tae Ann.
“Aye, you and whose army?” Ann shot back defiantly.
“Look, youse pair. Hurry up, Sally!”
“Right, that’s it,” Sally shouted, sitting back and folding her erms.
“Oh…” Sharon groaned, taking in a deep drag ae her fag, desperately looking aboot.
“Okay, ma turn,” Betty volunteered.
“Betty, get back in yer box. Oan ye go, Sally, bit hurry the fuck up, will ye? Ah’m losing the will tae live here, so Ah am,” Sharon said encouragingly, glaring across tae Betty who hit her wae a ‘Whit hiv Ah done?’ look.
“So, back tae Fatso, who obviously loves her grub. We start tae tell her that we’re gonnae start daeing different sannys, jist tae test the water, tae see if they’d be popular amongst the other lassies in the building and ur looking fur tasters. Ah’ll take that task oan. Meanwhile, aw youse start tae let yer favourite customers in the building know that Marybell his agreed tae take oan that role. Noo, here’s the hook. We tell them that seeing as she’s daeing us the favour, the sampler sannys ur fifty percent less.”
Silence.
“We also tell people that we need mair tasters and that we’re looking fur extra volunteers tae feed back tae us,” Sally continued, lowering her voice and leaning forward as everywan followed suit. “Noo, here’s the good part. Wance we get everywan oan board, we announce that there’s gonnae be a freebie tasting session oan the third flair landing and that if they want in, then they’ll need tae get their arses intae gear and get doon or up there by ten o’clock, which is tea time. Of course, we don’t turn up at ten. We turn up and set up at quarter past. Hopefully, everywan will be desperate by that time, wondering where the hell we’ve goat tae. People will be confused, wondering if they should hing oan or no. In the meantime, we troop in and set up, taking oor time, bit no too slow. As the queue builds up, oor wummin nips oot ae the reading room and hauns o’er the file and takes oor wan back, so she dis.”
Silence.
“Nah. That won’t work,” Ann scoffed.
“Ah think it’s bloody brilliant, so Ah dae,” Betty said in awe. ”Well done, Sally, hen.”
“See?” Sally scowled, looking at them aw, clearly proud as punch that her genius hid been recognised. “Whit dae ye think yersel, Sharon?”
“Ah’m no sure. Ah’m thinking,” she replied thoughtfully, sitting back and lighting up another fag slowly, as everywan followed suit. “Ye know whit, Sally, hen? Ah think ye’ve maybe goat something there,” Sharon finally replied, as Sally’s face beamed. “Ah’m no sure how it’ll pan oot and work, bit at least it’s a start, so it is,” she said, as everywan, except Ann, nodded.
“Aw we need tae dae is widen oot the tasters o’er the next week,” Betty suggested. “Like, as in big numbers.”
“Aye, bit no wae sannys,” Sharon announced wae a smile oan her face. “We need tae get people juiced up, so it his tae be really special, tasty treats that’ll make it worthwhile fur people tae hing aboot up in that third flair landing.”
“Tongue wan day and silverside the next, followed by stilton and cream and so oan?” Issie suggested.
“Naw. The answer here is baking. We bake them some real classics, so we dae.”
“Baking?” Issie and Betty cooed at the same time.
“Clootie dumpling wan day, empire biscuits the next, treacle scones, Victoria sponge wae fresh cream, cream buns, again wae fresh cream, gingerbreid wae Betty’s fine icing oan tap, in fact, the list is endless, so it is,” Sharon telt them. “Aw the lassies in the offices doon in the toon hiv been asking us if we’ll be starting up cakes fur their break times.”
“Ah still don’t get it,” Ann admitted.
“Aw we need tae dae
is play oor part by creating a diversion oot in that corridor. It’s up tae the bizzy tae get that file tae us.”
“So, how many tasters ur we looking at being up there in the corridor then? Remember, it’s no that wide, so a dozen should be plenty.”
“As Ah said, wan different cake or bun a day fur the next week, wae the climax oan the Thursday, asking the tasters tae nominate their tap three fur us tae supply oan a regular basis. Let everywan think that it’s jist them we’re asking, bit let’s go fur fifty, starting wae that fat Marybell wan and the other two fluffys she’s in charge ae.”
“Fluffys? Is that no a wee bit derogatory towards us wummin?” Issie asked indignantly.
“No if it’s towards poliswummin it’s no. Remember, they’re the enemy. They don’t coont,” Sharon reminded them, as everywan nodded.
“Ah’m still no that clear,” Ann came oot wae again.
“Ye don’t need tae be, Ann. These things hiv a way ae sorting themsels oot. Aw we need tae dae is get fifty typists or whoever up in that corridor, scrambling tae get their fingers oan oor good bakes fur free, so we dae,” Sharon assured her, no hivving a clue hersel if this wid work.
“Aye, bit we’ll need tae figure oot who she’s haunin it o’er tae,” Betty reminded them.
“That’ll be me,” Sharon volunteered. “Oot ae us aw, Ah’ll be the wan that’ll be staunin nearest tae the frosted-glass door ae the reading room. Aw she his tae dae is haun it o’er oan the way past and take the fake wan back wae her efter Ah serve her.”
“We’ll need folding-up tables. Where ur we gonnae get them?”
“Donna The Prima Donna.”
“And tablecloths tae drap o’er the tables tae gies us some cover fur hiding the file under.”
“Ah’ll supply the sheets,” Soiled Sally volunteered.
“Donna again,” Sharon interrupted, as everywan laughed.
“Cheeky bloody cow,” Sally quipped, joining in wae the laughter.
Chapter Sixty Seven
Lesley hid looked at hersel in the mirror earlier. She’d looked a total mess. Thank God Teddy Junior wis away wae the school fur a week. She wanted tae throw up. Despite the make-up, the bags under her eyes looked bruised and heavy. Teddy hid been starting tae ask whit the hell wis wrang wae her every time she heard a chap at the door, wae how jumpy she’d been sitting oan that kitchen chair ae hers. She hidnae stoapped greeting since meeting up wae Collette doon in the Kings Café oan Elmbank Street. How could she hiv done this tae her? Of course she knew that he’d gone oot wae that hacket bag, Priscilla Presley, long before he’d ever goat in tow wae her, bit tae claim that he’d bloody-well raped her? It wis jist too much tae comprehend. There hid been other allegations in there as well. Christ, if any ae this ever goat oot, she’d lose everything. She started sobbing again, wiping the tear drap fae the typed transcript that Collette hid gied her. The lassies in work hid picked up oan how she’d been feeling as well.
