by Gabrielle G.
I groan. “It’s already out?”
“Just the headlines, promising the full interview for the end of the week. There’s also a picture with the journalist’s hand on your thigh. You should call Julie.”
“Not now.” I groan.
I enter my house, giving him the sign to follow me. In my office, I pick up a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, pour two glasses, and swallow mine in one gulp. Toffee, smoke, and earthiness swirl in my mouth, exactly what we need to start the conversation.
“Bottoms up, Ry.”
“What the fuck is going on?”
“Drink that first,” I say while pouring myself another one.
Ryan downs his glass, and I serve him another one right away. I clink my glass against his before he gulps his second glass.
“What I have to tell you isn’t easy. Know that I have no proof, but the fucking journalist who interviewed me today said something, and I prefer for you to look for the truth rather than me hold on to a bombshell.”
Ryan shifts uncomfortably, and I see in his eyes he has no fucking clue what I’m about to tell him. It breaks my heart, but I know I’m doing the right thing. I take a last swig from my glass and put my hands on the table.
“You’re freaking me out, Ian,” he says, pulling on his hair then his collar.
“Are you sure Joana’s baby is yours?”
Pandora’s box has been opened. He might want to become a dad more than anything, but he should do so knowing the child might not be his. But before that, there will be tons of heartache and a mess of explanations.
“What the fuck do you mean? She’s due in one week!” he says, clenching his fists.
“The journalist said she found evidence that Jo had an affair with Paul at the beginning of your relationship. I prefer you to go to the source and be sure this isn’t true rather than discovering it once the kid is born or through gossip news.”
Ryan looks ready to pounce at me. He looks hurt, sad, enraged, but mostly lost. Ryan takes the bottle from my hand and drinks half of it before slamming it onto the table. “It’s taking all of me not to punch your face right now. You’re insinuating that the woman I love, the one I’m ready to marry and have a family with, had an affair with Paul and lied to me about the baby?”
I nod.
“And you expect me to confront her? To tell her I believe rumors about her? How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I need facts!”
“Okay,” I say, swallowing all my pride and my guilt. Here goes nothing. “About ten months ago, I ran into them looking pretty cozy in a bar. She said they were planning a surprise for you and Julie, so I didn’t really think much about it, but the surprise never came. I stay away from Hollywood shit. Paul lived a perfect life with Julie for almost five years. Don’t you think he had cheating down to an art?” I shake my head and let my words hover between us.
I feel as though I’m in a fucking telenovela! Since when did my life become more dramatic than my TV shows?
Ryan is hunched over his legs, lost in thought.
“You need to talk to her, man,” I say, slapping his shoulder gently.
“The worst thing is that I’m not angry,” Ryan says, his voice dripping with hurt. “I believe it could be true. I need some time to process. So we’re going to play HALO and finish that bottle of scotch, then I’ll talk to her.”
Nodding, I find the remote control and push the bottle his way.
A few hours later, Ryan is screaming into his phone at, I believe, his soon-to-be ex-fiancée. I try to get away from his conversation and go to the kitchen to make us some kind of food to sponge up all the alcohol we drank, but I can’t stop hearing pieces of the conversation.
“Don’t tell me it’s fucking true, Jo. You thought I would never know? What the fuck do you mean you don’t know who the father is? Seriously? We always used a condom before you got pregnant. We thought it was an accident. Did you use some with him? Never? So I think the chances that I’m the father are pretty slim, right? And now I need to get tested too. Go fuck yourself. Get the fuck out of my house and never talk to me ever again.”
Suspicions confirmed… and now I need to talk to Julie. I don’t know what Ryan’s plan is, but I don’t think he’ll be able to.
Ryan and I have spent the last few days attached at the hip. Julie didn’t answer her cell, so I couldn’t leave him alone. We drank for days, blaming the women in our lives for all the plagues of the world. They abandoned us when we most needed them.
When Julie finally picks up the phone, I’m not in a clear state of mind to speak to her. “Julie! Finally! I can’t believe you spent days without talking to me, sunshine. Why did you disappear? Do you know what a shit storm Ryan is in? Please come see us. Please, Jules, I love you.”
Then I hang up. You would think me telling her how I feel would sober me up a little, but I’m too far gone to understand what I did.
So I get even more confused when my front door opens and my sister walks in.
“Hello, little brother,” she says, smiling. But I know that smile, and there’s nothing genuine there. She’s here to fuck me over, and it’s going to hurt.
I wince, waiting for her to deliver the punch. “What are you doing here, Virge?”
“Well, you see, bro, when I answer a call from my brother who undoubtedly thought he was calling the woman he’s seeing, declaring his undying love and clearly as drunk as a skunk, I believe it’s my duty as your older sister to check on you. Drink this!” She thrusts a coffee at me.
“You’re only four minutes older,” I say.
“True! But you’re the emotional wreck who’s in love. So where is Julie?”
“I don’t know. How do you know I’m seeing someone anyway?” I rack my brain.
“You mean before you told me you loved Julie on the phone? Dex.”
Of course freaking Dex ratted me out to Virginia. He was a little taken aback when I told him I knew about his crazy one-night stand with Ryan, not that the fucker gave me any details, and Dex was even more surprised when I told him that I was taking a few days to help Ryan through his breakup. Telling Virginia is his way to retaliate or to show he cares. I never know with him.
“Ian! Hey!” Virginia waves in my face. “Do you need to talk?”
I open my mouth to answer, but I’m interrupted by Ryan.
“Ian! I thought we said no pussy! Why do I hear a pussy voice in my house!”
This is when I sober up fast. Pussy, cunt, and twat should never be used around Virginia. I press my eyes with my fingers, trying to protect myself from the bomb that is about to explode in Ryan’s face.
She storms into the living room. “What did you call me? Seriously, how can you be so vulgar about women? How can you say such disgusting things? I am going to emasculate you, Ryan Marley! I’ll find the dullest knife in this house and take my time doing so. You’ll scream, you’ll bleed, and you’ll sob every tear in your body. I hate you and what your privileged persona represents.”
Ryan chuckles, drunk as he is, and Virginia strolls back my way.
“When you stop drinking and hanging out with Mr. Neanderthal there, call me and I’ll come check on you. But right now, don’t think I’ll help with that,” she says, pointing at the living room before leaving as fast as she came.
“I never asked for your help!” I scream while she walks away.
On my way back to the living room, I make a little detour to his bar and get another bottle because we’re playing HALO and drinking. We won’t let my sister or anybody else derail our vital plans for the forthcoming future.
10 Julie
FRIENDS! Freaking friends! The word is tattooed on my brain. When the first journalist asked me to comment on Ian saying we were friends, I felt a little hurt but knew it wasn’t true. But when another journalist said that Ian had asked not to be dragged into the “Julie Legg drama,” I lost my shit. I know I shouldn’t believe everything journalists say, but the fact that he hasn’t returned any of my calls and
has left me hanging is a pretty clear message.
Then a picture of him surfaced with him cozying up to a journalist, her hand on his thigh. Fuck, what an egotesticle man Ian Porter turned out to be. How wrong I was once again!
This is how I ended up in Montreal, staying at Anna’s beautiful apartment that she barely uses, and enjoying the exclusive rooftop terrace overlooking my city. I’ve turned off my cell, and I’m finally working on all my other projects. I have several deadlines that I ignored as my hormones spun me up in the sexiest man alive’s web, but I’m free now! Ian Porter can eat a bag of dicks while I empty this chardonnay bottle.
I’m still lost in my murderous thoughts when Anna sits down next to me. She’s supposed to be on tour with her husband.
“Hey! What are you doing here?” I ask.
“Took the first flight out. Not every day that you need me, love.”
Since she started dating Dan, Anna has been calling her closest friends “love” like he does. Cute and totally nauseating, they are great together. I met Anna when she was a patient of the doctor I nursed with. We bonded over her asshole of an ex-husband and became closer over time. She helped me when I discovered I was bored out of my mind with my life, doing a job I hated and married to a man who was a friend more than a husband. I helped her get over her freak-out while falling for a rock-pop star—or whatever music Dan is playing these days.
“What about Dan?”
“He’s the one who told me to come home to see you. I don’t think he trusts you in our apartment.”
Laughing, I bump my shoulder against hers. “It’s good to see you, Anna. Seriously, I missed you.”
“Me too!” she says, squeezing my hand. “Have you talked to Ryan?”
I shake my head. “I refuse to talk to anybody who knows anything or tries to defend Ian. I need space from all that shit. I don’t want to be dragged through shit anymore. I don’t want my name out there. You know how people can be ruthless. I’m seriously thinking I want to go back to being a nobody and helping women who can’t get pregnant. I want to be anonymous again.”
“So you’re going to stop being friends with Dan and me or Ryan and all the people who’ve supported you the last few years because of headlines? I never knew you were a pussy, Jules.”
“Fuck you!” I growl.
Anna is always the most infuriating woman. She doesn’t do bullshit—except her own, of course. She loves to call everybody out on their shit. This is one of the reasons I don’t talk to her about my problems too often. I clearly like living in my ignorance-is-bliss life. After all, I did stay with a world-renowned cheater for a while.
“I know I’m not part of the Julie—Paul—Ryan—Joana—Ian drama you’re starring in, but your godson is days away from being born, and there’s a lot of rambling about all that shit. I think Ryan needs you.”
“Well, he has Joana and Ian. I’m sure he won’t freak out. And I don’t want to hear about Ian.”
Anna sighs. “You’re my favorite ostrich in the whole fucking world, you know that, right? But you’re also the biggest pain in the ass. I will force-feed information to you if I need to. Now share that wine, you twat.”
It takes me a few days of haze and confusion to understand how truly shitty my life has become. I’m alone. I was kind of hoping Ryan would jump on a plane and come rescue me, or at least give Ian the key to finding me so he would make a grand gesture to show me we’re more than just friends.
As I stroll into the living room, I hear Dan’s voice greeting me from the computer. “Julie! I see your head is back on your shoulders and not in your ass as my lovely wife implied. Did you turn your phone back on yet?”
Anna laughs, apparently not even sorry for sharing my drama with her husband.
“Assholes!” I mutter. “How are you, Dan?”
“How am I?” he asks, raising his eyebrows and openly mocking me. “You mean when I’m not lonely because my wife is tending to you? When I’m not being dragged into your life with texts from your last lay asking where you are? I’m peachy, Jules, very peachy!”
Guilt spreads through my whole body. Holy fuck, I’m making an even bigger mess by hiding out.
But Dan isn’t the kind to shut up after the first hit. “Let me ask you, have you told him how you feel?”
“Are you talking about Ryan?” I ask. “I know things will change once he becomes a dad, but he hasn’t reached out to me at all. I’m super hurt.”
“If your phone was on, it would help…” Anna says, rolling her eyes.
Dan shakes his head. “Julie, your head is further up your own ass than I thought. Are you that self-centered? I’m sorry, Anna, love, I have to go. Please make our friend see the light. I love you.”
After hanging up, Anna tells me to sit next to her. “Okay, Jules, let me ask you something.”
My friend is overconfident and can break anybody’s balls by looking at them. I shift on my seat like a kid with pinworms. I don’t want to hear what she has to say. I don’t want to be lectured. I want my mommy and a bottle of chardonnay.
“Why did you get upset about Ian saying you were friends?” she asks. Knowing Anna, she’s trying hard not to decapitate me with tons of fucks.
“Because we were having the best sex I’ve ever had.”
“But did you indicate you wanted more?”
“Well, it was implied with all the sex we were having.”
She shakes her head. “Are you that naïve? Didn’t your past relationship teach you anything? Communication is key.”
“Judgy much, Mrs. Darling? Communication is bullshit if you have been burned before. I was just trying to feel, to have fun, to find Sexy Jules again. I’m scared of my shadow, afraid of opening up and being cheated on again, terrified to trust him. I didn’t come here to be fucking lectured. I thought you would understand. Should I have stayed and talked to him? Certainly. Did I want to be rejected again? Hell No.”
“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m just trying to understand you. Did you want him to announce to the world you were together before talking to you about it?”
“Yes, and no. I’m not only upset about him saying we’re just friends. I understand he protects his privacy. A quick text about it afterward would have soothed me though. Seeing pictures of him with another woman when I thought he was mine brought back too many memories. And he hasn’t answered my texts or calls in days.”
“But you turned off your phone! I don’t know how Ryan deals with your craziness all the time. You are going to feel so fucking stupid when you go back to LA. You need to go home and fix all this, because believe me, you will hit a shit storm as soon as your plane lands and guilt is going to eat you alive.”
“What do you mean?”
Her eyes search mine as if she’s looking for an answer before spilling her beans. “I’m not letting Dan and me get caught in the line of fire. Go fucking home! But first, check your phone.” She hands me my cell.
Breathing deeply, I power it on. There are a dozen missed calls from Ryan and Ian and a gazillion texts. Before I open any of them, I grab the last bottle of chardonnay from Anna’s reserve and take a big sip.
My heart flutters when I see Ian’s name, and my hand shakes while I press on the first message.
Sorry, I missed your calls, can we talk?
Absolutely not.
Ian: Sunshine where are you?
I do love when he calls me sunshine. It feels like warmth and light shining within me. It gives me a cheesy feeling that makes me happy. Ian makes me happy. But right now, I don’t want him to make me happy. I don’t want him to make me feel anything. I continue reading, trying not to feel the pull to call him. Trying to stay distant and strong.
Ian: Have you spoken with Ryan?
Ian: Fuck Jules, passed by your place and you’re not there? Where are you?
Ian: Jules, we need to talk! Ryan is at my house if you’re looking for him.
Ian: Fuck Sunshine, I miss you. Please don’t end this.
Ian: The Jules I thought I knew is not the selfish person you are now.
I can’t continue reading his words without feeling sorry for my behavior, my heartache, and myself. I decide to ignore Ian and go on to Ryan’s messages.
Hey Sweetheart, just checking in. About to meet Ian. Hope we can catch up soon.
Ryan: Jules, why is your phone off? I need to talk to you.
Ryan: Where the fuck are you?
Ryan: I can’t believe you wouldn’t return my call at a time like this. You know how much I need you right now? I’ve always been there for you and you shine by your absence. Fuck you, Jules.
What happened? Why does it seem as though my world scrambled in the last few days? I jump when I hear my phone chime, hoping it’s Ian or Ryan. I’m surprised to see Joana’s name.
Joana: I am sorry Jules.
Hands shaking and head pounding, I try to call Ryan, but he doesn’t answer. I refuse to reach out to Ian and I’m sure not willing to check any gossip on the web. I know too well the load of bullshit they can publish. I run to the bedroom, pack a bag, and call Dan for a favor. I need a plane home as soon as possible.
11 Julie
If he weren’t my friend’s husband, I would french kiss Dan Darling. Seriously, how fast he got his label to set up a plane for my “family emergency” was exactly what I needed to get my act together. I’ve tried to reach Ryan, but his phone is off. I don’t want to call Ian, and since Joana didn’t answer my text asking what she meant, I don’t dare call her. I’ve avoided the Internet, trying to ignore whatever gossip has made Ryan need me and Joana apologize.
My priority is to fix things with Ryan, and to do that, I need to hear this news, whatever it is, from him. He has always been there for me, and I won’t let an emerging relationship take over my friendship. He clearly needed me and I let him down. His messages hurt me, but they were right. I’m an insecure writer who didn’t like that the guy she was sleeping with was photographed with another woman? It wasn’t Ryan’s fault, so why punish him?
