Always & Only (Angels and Sunshine Book 1)

by Gabrielle G.

  It does, only it’s not from Julie’s phone. It’s from Ryan’s.

  Adorably Pathetic Ian! She is asleep right now. I’ll show it to her.

  I do a double-take to be sure I sent the pictures to Julie and not Ryan. It shows delivered and seen on her text box. Why does Ryan have her phone in the middle of the night if she’s asleep?

  And then it hits me. They’re sharing a bed… which means I’m too late and they’re together. I get up and go straight to my liquor cabinet. Virginia was right. I am a very naïve man.

  14 Julie

  There’s a nine-inch-sized elephant in the room that Ryan and I are ignoring. For a week now, we’ve been sleeping in the same bed in our underwear. During the day, we’re Jules and Ryan, best friends extraordinaire. We go to work and spend most of our free time together. He tries to convince me to talk to Ian, and I attempt to support him as best I can in forgetting anything Joana has ever touched. At night, we have an understanding that we’ll fall asleep together and we won’t comment on his hard-on pressing against my ass or rubbing the wet spot on my panties. Neither will we discuss his hands holding me under my breasts or his kisses on my neck while we spoon. He won’t acknowledge my hand caressing his chest or my leg thrown over his hips when he holds me tight. Nothing more has happened, and during the day, nothing will happen.

  So this morning, as we ignore our actions of the previous night, we’re discussing Ian and me. We had a few meetings last week, and he seemed distant and hurt. I thought after the pictures he sent me, we would go forward, but it seems he once again took one step ahead and three backward. He hasn’t talked to Ryan at all.

  “Are you sure you haven’t told him anything that could upset him?” I ask Ryan. “He wasn’t ignoring you until last week.”

  I drink my coffee while Ryan prepares his protein shake from hell. “Last time he texted me was when he sent his ridiculous apology. Your phone kept buzzing, so I checked to see if it was an emergency. I saw the pictures and answered from my phone, saying you were sleeping. He wrote a ‘thanks’ and since then, I reached out several times but radio silence. I guess he’s filming or something like that.”

  I freeze. How would I react if Ian’s best girlfriend was texting me that he was sleeping after she read his phone? “Oh shit… he thinks we are sleeping together!”

  “Well, we are.”

  “No, I mean, he thinks you and I are banging. You told him I was asleep after reading his text on my phone!”

  “Come on, sweetheart. He does not think we were banging. He knows we’re super close, but he wouldn’t think we would go further.” Ryan isn’t looking at me, his eyes on his shake. Again, we aren’t touching the nine-inch pole.

  “You do know that me sleeping at your house will have to stop if I forgive Ian and anything happens between him and me?”

  He sighs and finally looks at me, his hair falling in his sad eyes. “I know. Life has to go on. I can’t keep you hostage indefinitely.”

  “Ry, I will still be your friend even if I live in my own house.”

  We look at each other for a while, smiling. Ryan is my person. What we share will never die, and we know it. We have an inseparable bond for life. I can read his moods, even though he’s a terrific actor. I can be my worst in front of him, and he’ll hold my hand so I don’t drown. I know we’ll survive whatever is thrown at us. I love him more than life.

  A reminder on my phone interrupts our moment. My calendar is letting me know I have a meeting with Ian and the staff of my production company in one hour. We have to finalize the actors’ schedules to know when we can film and organize our trip to NYC to scout the location Ian has in mind for filming. I also have to clear the air with him once and for all, especially if he feels threatened by my relationship with Ryan. I’ve been there with Paul and I won’t do it again, especially with the gossip sites analyzing our every move.

  Can you blame him? a nasty, annoying voice whispers in my ear. What are you doing with Ryan, Jules? And you told Ian you were attracted to your best friend. How can he not think you are fucking him?

  Giving myself the finger, I get ready and maybe get slightly more dolled up than I should for such a meeting. Wearing a high-waist red pencil skirt with a plain white T-shirt on top of a red bra and some heels, I’m not surprised to hear Ryan whistle when I join him in the kitchen before leaving.

  “The poor bastard has no clue what is going to hit him!” he says, laughing while I rush through the door.

  Once at the office though, I feel stupid. Ian is his same handsome self, except his beard is longer. I try to initiate contact, but he’s barely looking at me and he stays on his phone the whole time. I’m sure he’s texting Dex, who is sitting right next to him. Every time I open my mouth, Ian snorts or contradicts me.

  I stay calm and put on a smile as we decide we’ll go to New York in a few days. As it’s hard to film in that city, we’ll also try Toronto or Montreal. Of course, I push for Montreal, but Ian is pushing for Toronto, saying it looks more like the Big Apple and many shows are being filmed there. He knows I hate Toronto, but I don’t care. I’ll let him film there if it means he’ll shut up. I want to discuss the next thing on the agenda.

  I glance at Ian, who is still ignoring me. Dex is apparently trying to put Ian’s mind back in the game and looks at me with daggers in his eyes. Because I’m certainly the one to blame for his tantrum.

  We’re listing the actors’ schedules, and when Ryan’s name comes up, Ian jerks his head from his phone and looks at me. I feel he can read me and that even if I tell him we aren’t sleeping together, he’ll know Ryan and I are playing a dangerous game. But nobody knows except Ryan and me, so I come back to the meeting and nod to whatever the third assistant to the right is saying. I don’t pay attention much.

  Ian picks up his phone and types something. Right after, mine vibrates under the table. I know he’s the one texting me.

  Ian: I can’t do the movie with you.

  I drop my phone on the table and close my eyes. Everything is spinning. I have so much on the line. I can’t let him walk away, not when we’re so close to our goal.

  “Julie, are you okay?” one of the staff asks.

  I believe I’m having a full-blown panic attack when I hear Ryan’s voice encouraging me to slow my breathing. I know he’s not there. I open my eyes, nod to show that I am indeed fine and ask for a glass of water. I breathe slowly, finding my composure again. Then I stand and go to the door.

  Everyone in the room looks at me strangely.

  “Everybody out except Ian. Now!” I say matter-of-factly, opening the door of the conference room.

  “I don’t think so,” Dex says. “I need to be here if it’s about the movie.”

  “I said out, Dex! Everybody.”

  Ian seems detached entirely, as if the bomb he dropped on my lap doesn’t concern him. I lock eyes with him. I’m not sure what he can see, but I’m furious. I don’t know why Dex gives up, but he mutters something about deserving the shit storm that’s coming. Not sure if he’s talking to Ian or me or maybe to us both, but his comment makes my nostrils flare. Dex slams the door shut behind him.

  “What the fuck, Ian? Can’t you be professional? Can’t you put our problems aside and continue the project?”

  Ian is spinning his phone on the table, and I slide it to the other side of the conference room.

  “Ask Ryan. I’m sure he can direct for you as well as play the lead.” He sets his legs on the chair next to him and brings his palm behind his head. Douchebag position, I call it. Normally used by any producer trying to harass any young actress.

  I swipe his legs off the chair and make him sit straight. “This is ridiculous. Is that why you’re not talking to me? Is that why you apologized and then ignored me? What the fuck do you want?”

  I’m in his face, so close I can see the tiny yellow dots in his brown eyes. So close his beard prickles my chin. So close our noses touch.

  He rolls his chair back to put
more space between us. “You! All I’ve ever wanted was you. But you didn’t choose me, sunshine. Since the beginning, all you’ve wanted is Ryan. I can’t compete.” He shakes his head as if he has lost everything.

  “Ryan is my friend! Nothing more!” I scream, stepping closer to him.

  “Seriously? Because even now, when you heard his name, you reacted in a way I’ve never seen before. Can you tell me, right here and now, nothing is happening between Ryan and you?”

  “Nothing,” I lie. “Being jealous of Ry will never give you what you want with me. Stop being ridiculous. Also, you can’t quit. The media will spin a story, and it will sink the project before it starts.”

  “My fucking God, Julie! It’s all about the media, all the time with you. What they know, what they shouldn’t know, what they might know, what they spin. Fuck them and live your life! Oh, wait, you do, sleeping with Ryan.”

  Our voices are so loud I’m sure the whole floor can hear us. I try to calm myself. “I’m not sleeping with him. Well, I do, but we aren’t having sex.”

  Ian looks at me, searching for confirmation.

  “Since Paul, I’ve been a mess. I know you think I want Ryan, but all I’ve wanted since that first night was you. I am not banging Ryan.”

  “You aren’t?” he asks calmly.

  I shake my head. In a fraction of a second, his lips are on mine, his tongue claiming my lips. I open my mouth and let him kiss me deeper. I can feel his anger, his confusion, his jealousy, and his desire.

  He steps back, the kiss finished as fast as it started. “Go on a date with me. Please.”

  We’re in an embrace, forehead to forehead, when Dex walks in. I seriously think he was behind the door the whole time, listening to be certain Ian didn’t get carried away or fuck me on the table. Dex is a wonderful watchdog. I should ask him to represent Ryan. It would free up some of my time!

  “Are you two done? Can we resume the meeting?”

  I nod and untangle my body from Ian’s. “Let’s have a date in New York. We’ll be far away from all the LA drama, and I can concentrate fully on you. But Ryan still needs me. Be patient, okay?”

  Ian nods and sits in his chair while Dex calls in the others and the meeting resumes.

  Later that night, I’m comfortable on the couch, Ryan’s head on my lap while I caress his hair. We’re telling each other about our days. I’m telling him about the kiss Ian and I shared when I feel the atmosphere shifting. A kind of melancholy settles between us, a hint of sadness that affects us deeply.

  Ryan sits up straight. “Ian is a great guy, sweetie. If you want to be with him, be with him.”

  “I don’t know, Ry. Every time he touches me, it feels like it’s meant to be. I’ve wanted him since the day you sent him to my door. Even then, ashamed and heartbroken, I could imagine myself licking his abs. But…” I don’t want to continue the conversation, but I know I should.

  “But…?”

  Ryan and I exchange a look that tells me he knows where this conversation is going. We need to have this conversation. He’s been taking a bigger place in my life, and we both need to know where we stand. I have fantasized about him, and from what I feel at night, his thoughts haven’t been innocent either.

  “Let’s sleep a last time in the same bed,” he says, getting up and extending his hand to me.

  “We shouldn’t, Ry. You know we shouldn’t.”

  “One last time. Please.”

  I sigh. “What we’ve been doing the last week, it’s not what best friends do. We’ve always had a touchy-feely relationship, but you know we’re crossing a line every night. Just because we don’t acknowledge it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.”

  Ryan sits back on the couch, but farther from me. “I think we crossed the line a long time ago. When you started to fantasize about me.”

  “I know, but this last week, we’ve kind of acted like a couple and I believe that’s more because we’re both pining for someone else. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it?”

  “I can’t lose you like I lose everybody else. I love you too much for that.”

  I take his hand. “Same here. You feel safe, and I think that’s why I let us get derailed, but in the end, when I’m in your arms, I don’t feel the electricity I feel with Ian. You know what I mean?”

  “I do. And to be honest—don’t get me wrong, you’re hot—but I’m hard all the time for anything with a pulse.”

  “I know. You might need to face your problem, one way or the other.”

  He shrugs. “I might, one day… do you think they did it because we were too close?”

  I know he’s asking about Paul and Joana. We try not to speak their names too much.

  “Do you think we were too close because they weren’t giving us what we needed? You remember when we fought because I needed space?”

  He nods.

  “It was the first time I wanted you less in my life. The first time I wanted another man to be bigger than you. I truly believe you and I had a strong friendship because my stupid ex-boyfriend wasn’t invested enough. I think the day we find the right person for each other, we’ll still be friends, but we’ll naturally need each other less.”

  He sighs. “I think you’re right. Do you have feelings for Ian?” That’s the million-dollar question.

  “I have no freaking clue. I like him, but it’s all so complicated. I can’t decide if I want to be with him. I need to take it slow.” I try to hide the tears coming. I hate being so vulnerable, so broken and indecisive. I used to know what I wanted, who I wanted. I always thought by forty, I would have my shit together. I’m far from it.

  “Come here,” he says, bringing me into his lap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to risk our friendship. I’ll always wonder what you’d feel like under me, but I’ll try to never act on it.”

  I laugh. “I guess that’s the best friendship declaration someone has ever made to me.”

  “Want to go out, call your lover boy, and let me find some pussy while you go home with him?” I nod. “I’ll miss you, honey!” I hug him tightly.

  “I’ll miss you too, sweetheart.” He kisses the top of my head. “Now go change. I know lover boy loves to see you in your sweatpants, but I’m pretty sure all Los Angeles doesn’t need to see this horror. But don’t get too sexy either—I need you to send some ladies my way. We don’t want them to feel like you’re competition!”

  I shake my head in disbelief. “Since when do you need me to send ladies your way?”

  “You’re right, stay in your sweats. Nobody really needs you to look good.” He laughs, throwing me off his lap. “Give me twenty. Going to take a shower. Should I text Ian or should you?”

  “He texted me earlier. He’s already out with his sister, Dex, and Emma,” I say.

  “Emma?” Ryan asks, full of hope.

  “No, Ryan, do not fuck her. Do not think about her. Do not breathe next to her. She’s in the movie, and she’s Dex’s half-sister. Please don’t.”

  “We’ll see,” he says. “We’ll see.”

  15 Ian

  Julie is wearing her beloved sweatpants and a tank top with no bra when she opens the door of her hotel room. My dick salutes her with the respect she deserves. He’s the most polite of all my organs.

  I can see the shape of her perfect breasts, and my hand twitches. I want my palm on her. I force my hands into my pockets to leave her alone. I have to remind my body that I’m here to pick her up for breakfast, not for a play date. We need to review the plan for our New York City meetings. No sexy time.

  When we met at the bar the other night, Julie and I decided nothing would happen between us until we go on our date. After going so fast last time and burning out in a millisecond, we want to take our time. When I say take our time, I mean fucking of course. Kissing is allowed. Touching is as well. We aren’t in high school anymore. But the next time I’m inside her, we will have built our relationship.

  And when I say “we want to take our
time,” I mean Julie. Nothing of that torturous idea comes from me. I go in for a kiss, and she gives me her cheek. So kissing is allowed but not on the lips? Got it.

  She blushes. “Sorry I’m not ready.”

  “You look beautiful like that. Let’s go!”

  “These are my pajamas. Give me ten?”

  For the next seven minutes, I do everything I can not to think about sex, but I fail. Her bed is a mess—as if we had spent the night rolling between the sheets. Her bra is hanging on the chair, tempting me. Even her purse seems to tell me there is no escape. I’m sure she has condoms in it.

  When she’s finally ready to go, I’m too aware of everything Julie. Being in the cab, coated in her scent and feeling her body next to mine, is pure hell. I really wonder what I did in a previous life to be punished like this, but when Julie shifts on her seat and her long skirt reveals part of her ankles, I can’t keep in my groan. Julie snickers.

  “You find my misery funny?”

  “Not at all. I believe we’re in the same state of mind.”

  She takes my hand and brings the palm to her lips. She kisses it slowly, and I close my eyes. Her kisses are like a whisper telling me all the secrets of her heart.

  Julie’s kiss is tentative at first, as if asking me if her sweet lips are allowed to be on mine. Her tongue tastes my lips, and she whimpers, demanding entrance. Her teeth bite my lower lip, and when I finally open my mouth, I feel her tongue take possession of me, and every part of my body explodes like fireworks. I get lost in my sensations, my brain empty of any sense of time or place.