Always & Only (Angels and Sunshine Book 1)

by Gabrielle G.

  “Please, Jules, please, you’re all I have.”

  I stay silent and step away so he won’t be able to touch me. I don’t feel safe with him anymore, and I don’t know if I ever will again. “I never thought you would be the one to hurt me the most. Give me back my phone and my key and leave. Please leave.”

  Any more words from him and I will shatter into a thousand pieces.

  I close my eyes, waiting to hear the front door closing. Instead I feel his lips on the top of my head and his tears on my shoulder. We don’t exchange another word.

  He pulls away, and I miss his body instantly. Once I hear the door slam shut, I fall on the floor and cry all the tears of my soul, once more because of a man. Except this one never apologized for what he did.

  21 Julie

  I’m still on the floor when Ian enters my apartment. Usually after a breakup, I’d confide in my best friend. I told Anna after Eric and Ryan after Paul. Now I’m not sure whom I should tell. Would Ian understand me crying about another man? Would it be weird? Would he understand why it hurts so much?

  He takes me in his arms and carries me to the couch. After settling me there with a blanket, he goes to the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of wine and glasses. It feels wrong. I feel hollow as he nudges me onto his chest and hugs me. I feel sad when I take him in. He doesn’t smell like Ry. His arms are too lean, his beard is too rough, his heart beats too fast. He’s not Ryan. All I wanted was for Ryan to say he was sorry. But he couldn’t. I don’t believe he’s in love with me. I think he did everything to push me away because he thinks he’s better off alone. He doesn’t like people to see him miserable. I know him well enough to see his self-inflicting punishment.

  Nevertheless, I couldn’t let him treat me that way and act as if it was business as usual. I needed to break up with my best friend to be sure he wouldn’t try to hurt me. I had to break up with him so he would see he has a problem. The thing is, I’m not sure he will. I feel as if I’ve ripped my own heart out of my chest and I’m bleeding to death. Ian is trying to comfort me, but nothing can soothe my pain.

  “Do you remember the first time I consoled you?” he says softly.

  I nod, remembering how our twisted story started.

  “I had no idea what I was doing. I was waiting for Ry to appear so he would make it better because I knew I couldn’t do it as well as he would. I rubbed your back in what I hoped was a soothing way. I didn’t tell you it would be okay or it would get better, and I certainly didn’t tell you to forget Paul because I knew you couldn’t. Sunshine, I’m not your best friend, but I hope, as your boyfriend, I can become it. You need to talk to me, babe. I can’t read your mind.”

  I cry in his arms. Ryan wouldn’t have to ask. He would just do. Well, he’d just impose.

  Ian takes my face in his hands and wipes my tears. After placing a soft kiss on my lips, he looks into my eyes. “Sunshine, listen to me. I’m here for you. I’m always and only yours. It will be okay, and it will get better. After I discovered the truth about my sister, I didn’t talk to Dex for a while. I was miserable. I felt so empty. Exactly the same way I felt after Virginia left. I felt like I’d won one back only to lose the other. But once we calmed down, we spoke about it, and eventually we were there for each other again. I know I said I don’t want him around you anymore, but I also know it’s not my decision to make. Be patient, reach out to him in a little while if you still want to, but in the meantime, know I’m here for you. ”

  I swallow my tears and look at my beautiful Ian. Deep inside, I know I might never be able to give him what he needs. Ian should never be taken for granted. I wish I could be someone he deserves. Someone who knows he’s it. I’m still not sure what feelings I have toward him. Ryan said I was in love with him, but I’ve kept my guard up. The sex is wonderful. He’s wonderful. But do I love him?

  I can’t string Ian along and let him build his hopes up. The poor guy called himself my boyfriend when I only see him as someone I’m dating. I can’t give him my heart. If letting Ryan go hurts so much, I can’t imagine how much it would hurt if I fell in love with Ian. He would be so easy to love. I wish I could.

  But as I have no strength left to fight, I let him rock me and caress my hair. I let him shower me with kisses and undress me. When his mouth finds mine, I let his tongue show me his love. He hovers over me and, without a word, enters me. I know it might be the last time we make love. My throat tightens at the thought. Looking into his eyes breaks my heart.

  He thrusts into me slowly, bringing me to orgasm. As we come, I let a single tear fall. A void spreads into my heart. There’s no way I can be Ian’s date at the Emmys. I need to set him free.

  22 Ian

  “Ian! Picture, please!”

  Strike a pose, smile, flash! Wave hand.

  “Ian! This way!”

  Strike a pose, smile, flash! Wave hand.

  “Ian, over here!”

  Strike a pose, smile, flash! Wave hand.

  “Ian, love the tux!”

  Yeah? Strike a pose, smile, flash! Wave hand.

  “Ian, where’s your date?”

  Fuck if I know. Strike a pose, smile, flash! Wave hand.

  I walk toward the TV host, hauling my body along the slowest I can. I dragged myself here tonight. I should be the perfect picture of sophistication and feel like a god, but my tux doesn’t give me the confidence I need for the red carpet. I look like a dirty grandpa who spent the day snorting lines of coke. Not that I’m high or didn’t shower. My eyes are bloodshot from worry, and I smell like a desperate man from the shots of whiskey I might have drank in the limo.

  I finally stop in front of the host I’m supposed to talk to. She’s shining. It might be because of her golden dress. Her hair is beautiful, her makeup is on point, and her smile is the fakest of them all.

  “Ian! How are you?” she screams before pointing the mic under my nose.

  Smile, Ian, don’t forget to smile. Facing the camera, I wink, smile, and stand proudly. It’s the red carpet after all… “I’m fine, Miranda. How about you?”

  “Ecstatic! How does it feel to be nominated again tonight?”

  Like fucking crap. “It’s such an honor. I can’t believe I stand here once again. You know I love our show, I love my coworkers, love the fans. It’s incredible!” Laying it on thick, but they love it.

  “A lot has happened this year. Can you tell us about your upcoming project?” Her smile contrasts with the inquiry in her eyes. She’s out for blood, smelling celebrity anguish like a hound smells game.

  Dex told me to be careful with my vibe tonight. “If they suspect you’re hiding something, they’ll go for the jugular.” He’s not wrong. But is Dex ever wrong? Wasn’t he right to be suspicious of Julie? Didn’t she act exactly as he predicted? Of course, he blurted very fast that he’d told me so. He can’t help it.

  “I’m filming and directing a movie that will come out next year. It’s one of the most intense stories I’ve ever been part of. It’s going to be a great year!” Or it will be once the writer/producer reappears and I know what the fuck happened tonight.

  “Are you talking about the movie written by Julie Legg?”

  Smile, Ian, you’re happy to be here. “I am.”

  “It has been quite an adventure so far, I heard. Is there anything you can tell us about you two and the status of your relationship?” She winks as if we’re friends and I should tell her my secrets, but she went directly for the jugular.

  After Ryan backed off the project through his agent, I gathered the pieces and became the lead in the movie. Nobody has heard from Ryan since. Julie was devastated, but I thought we would get over it together. I was wrong.

  When I went to pick her up tonight, she wasn’t home. I called I don’t know how many times, but no answer. She’s disappeared and is nowhere to be found. I couldn’t bail on the Emmys, so I called Virginia and Dex to see if one of them could show up. Virginia is on her way after stopping by Dex’s, who got a dre
ss from out of nowhere. I have no idea how Dex makes magic happen, but he never disappoints in a crisis.

  On my way here, I called Anna, Julie’s friend. I was pretty sure she had flown to Montreal again, but Anna doesn’t know where she is either. I even called Ryan to be sure he hadn’t done anything stupid, like kidnap her. I know the thought is a little extreme, but can you blame me? Anyway, he didn’t pick up. Not that I was expecting him to.

  I asked Dex to check through his new agent. Seems Ryan has no idea where she is and “doesn’t give a fuck.” Now I wish he had tied her up in his basement. At least then I would know what to do and where to find her.

  A hand wraps around my arm, and for a second I hope it’s Julie, but I know that hand too well. It used to hold me in our mother’s womb.

  “Hey, Miranda! Long time no see,” Virginia sings.

  Miranda smiles politely, still waiting for an answer from me, but I know I can escape with my twin’s arrival. Virginia has accompanied me to awards shows for ten years. Never brought a date; never went alone. Asking Julie here tonight was a huge statement for me, and the fact that she bailed is the ultimate rejection. I believed that tonight we were showing all of Hollywood we were in love.

  Not that she told me she was. I guess that was my first mistake—falling in love with someone who didn’t love me back. I believed I could make her love me, but at the end of the day, she doesn’t. It hurts like a bitch. Not having her by my side tonight, holding my arm and showing the world she’s mine, is a real blow. She could have used fireworks to write, “Fuck you, Ian Porter,” in the sky, and it would have hurt less. How wrong I was about what we were and what we had. The story of my unrequited love.

  I need to stop thinking about her. I need to put on my mask and be in the moment. As if she can feel me drift away in misery, Virginia squeezes my arm to bring me back to reality.

  “Virginia, such a beautiful dress, who are you wearing?”

  Virginia hates that kind of question. She’s a fervent supporter of the #AskHerMore campaign, but I trust her not to blow it.

  “No clue, Miranda. But I will have an online auction tomorrow to sell it, and all proceeds will go to Natural High, a nonprofit organization that inspires and empowers youth to find their natural high and develop the skills and courage to live life well. I’ll tweet the link later.” Virginia should have been in PR.

  “Amazing. Have a good night, guys!”

  And finally, our time is up. We continue to the next host, Virginia’s grip not letting me go.

  “Are you okay?” she whispers between her teeth, so her smile doesn’t disappear.

  I nod quickly. We continue down the carpet at an excruciating pace, taking pictures, smiling, shaking hands, pointing obnoxious fingers, smiling, hugging.

  “Do you know where she is?” Virginia is watching me the way the security guard of a mental ward would.

  I shrug, my smile still in place as if nothing is bothering me.

  “Ian! Wonderful seeing you here!” the next host says with the same fake smile as Miranda.

  “Good to see you, man! How’s your night?” Handshake, smile.

  “Pretty good, surrounded by beautiful women,” he says, winking at Virginia.

  “Hey, Chris, you know that’s my sister, right?” I tell him playfully. Knowing the dickhead’s reputation, there’s no way I’d let him anywhere close to Virge.

  He laughs uncomfortably. “So give me the scoop, Ian. Are you winning tonight?”

  “Oh, Chris, there’s so much talent in my category.” Insert vomit and fake smile. “I don’t deserve to be nominated beside such gentlemen!” And I would much prefer being home, bathing in whatever bottle is left in my bar.

  “I’m sure you’re the top in your category. Nobody plays the single dad better than you!”

  “Thanks, it’s appreciated.”

  “Speaking of being a dad, when are you settling down?” He chuckles.

  Clearly rumors are going around. It’s the first year on the red carpet that I’ve heard so many allusions to my personal life.

  “Well, I’m here with my sister, so clearly…” I raise my hands as though to say I don’t know and I give him my best smile—it’s a mix between “Fuck you” and “I’m the sexiest man alive.”

  “Well, good luck tonight!”

  “Thanks, Chris!”

  And our time is up again. We continue on to two other media outlets. Same fake smiles, same questions. By the time we enter the theatre, my facial muscles are cramping, and I’m pretty sure Virginia’s claws have bruised my biceps. Every time someone asked about the upcoming movie or alluded to my love life, she closed her hold on me. I know it wasn’t for my sake, but more so she wouldn’t lose her shit.

  “And that is why I could never be an actress! That was painful!”

  It was indeed. I’ve had enough of this evening already, and it hasn’t even started. My head is spiraling downward. I want to bail and find Julie. I need to talk to her and understand what happened. I check my phone again for messages. Nothing. I try to call her again. Voicemail.

  As Virginia plucks my phone out of my hand, a chill runs through my body. I hear his words before I turn to face him.

  “Ian! I was hoping to run into you tonight.”

  Fucking Paul! I face him, dreading the conversation to come. He looks genuinely happy but remorseful. At his arm, Joana looks beautiful in a green gown that matches her dishonorable eyes.

  “Well, guys, this is a surprise”—a dreadful one—“I didn’t know you two were together,” I say in such a matter-of-fact tone that Virge can’t hold back the giggle she was trying hard to contain. She “recovers” by coughing.

  They look sick, as though they’re ashamed. I guess that’s what a good scandal will do to you.

  “Oh we… we’re not together. I mean we came together, but we’re not together-together. I mean, we’re friends and raising a kid together, but we aren’t together, you know, we aren’t… you know what I mean?”

  This is painful to watch. I could have stopped Joana, but seeing her sweat and explain a situation I don’t care about really pleases me. I can see actual beads of sweat forming between her eyebrows.

  “All good, Joana. You do whoever you want, you know, together or not. I don’t think Ryan and Jules care much anyway.”

  It’s so mean, yet it feels so good. Especially seeing their faces contort as if they’ve been hit by diarrhea. If only Jules could be here to see their faces. Yeah, my smile of victory disappears quickly.

  It’s Paul’s turn to want to make me puke. “Ian, I wanted to apologize. What I said that night was awful, and I had no right to drag you into my shit. Sorry, man.”

  Weird and Weirder are looking at me as if I’m a priest about to administer absolution. I get where they’re coming from. It’s always easier to start your walk of shame with the person you hurt the least and go gradually to the ones you hurt the most. It’s like “begging for forgiveness” boot camp.

  Should I forgive Paul for what he told me? I could, knowing he was drunk. But if I follow that logic, Ryan was drunk during the incident with Jules too… so should I forgive both Ryan and Paul for hurting my Jules? Nope, I can’t. She’s broken because of them. I need to blame them because I can’t take her rejection yet. Maybe in a few hours, once I’m done pretending. I’ll forgive them eventually, once I accept that Julie doesn’t want me any more than she wants them.

  Being an actor does have its perks—I know how to be happy on command. I’ve done it for years. “I’m not the one you have to apologize to. You betrayed two of my friends and hurt them deeply. Maybe you should apologize to them instead of me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I see someone I actually like and would like to talk to.”

  I walk away, letting them figure out the next steps of their forgiveness program.

  Virginia follows me, laughing uncontrollably. “I love when Asshole Ian is out. So polite but so mean.”

  “It’s common decency. I can’t give them
hope to be forgiven when there’s nothing to forgive.”

  “Or you could set them free and forgive them. Dex would prefer you not to burn bridges…”

  “I’m not who he really wants forgiveness from, and I’m not a step to reach her. Not anymore. And Dex Crawford can suck my dick!”

  “I’m sure he has fantasized about it.” Then a cloud passes over her, and she becomes serious again. “Push it or drop it?”

  She hands me a glass of champagne, and I chug it as if my life depends on it. “There’s nothing to talk about. I gave my trust and love away, and again it wasn’t enough.”

  “Come on, Ian, don’t be like that! Don’t punish me again by leaving me out. Talk to me.”

  “I’ve nothing to say. It’s the story of my life. I’m not running to catch her this time. ”

  As the show is about to start, we take our seats. Before the lights turn off, I feel Virginia’s pouch vibrating between us. With an imploring look, I extend my hand for her to give me my phone. Everybody knows the awards are about to start, so I know it’s her. Texting me now is the perfect way to be sure I won’t answer, but I still have a couple of minutes.

  I swipe my fingers across the screen and read Julie’s text. Without a word, I give it back to Virge, deciding not to answer. After Julie kicked Ryan out, I rocked her all night, consoling her. Now I’m the one she’s kicking to the curb, and all I can think about is who will be there for her now. I shouldn’t care, but as long as I breathe the same air as her, I will. So it’s in a theatre full of television industry execs, during one of the most important nights of the year, that I decide it’s time to step away. Because her words broke not only my heart but also my soul.

  Julie: I’m sorry, I can’t!

  23 Julie

  I fucked up. On a scale from one (I cut myself shaving) to ten (I hooked up with my brother’s best friend and then her boyfriend’s bandmate), I fucked up, like, on twenty. Forty-eight hours ago, I fucked up bad, once again. So bad that by the time I pulled my head out of my ass and accepted that I was in love with Ian Porter, he was gone. Gone as in disconnected his phone, put his house up for sale, maybe even changed his name gone! I have no way of finding him. I even called Dex, who of course chewed off my ass.