* * *
Each second of the time that ticked past was a blur. Xavier called off from the hospital to babysit me, even though he refused to call it that. And I’d left messages for Dr. Wang but had yet to receive a call back. We were playing the waiting game for her to reach back out—and for Spade to make a move. He hadn’t called the Obama phone yet, which was odd for him to have not done that.
“Let me give you a massage. I can tell from the way your face is balled up that you’re tense.” Xavier shook me from my thoughts.
From the time his eyes opened, he’s been waiting on me hand and foot, plus putting forth every effort possible to make me smile. I should’ve been jumping for joy that I’d connected with a kind man who seemed to be interested in me, but my soul couldn’t settle. The more flashbacks and nightmares I had, the more I battled with staying. Nothing could take the edge off my fear of Spade finding me or this fairy tale not being mine to claim with Xavier.
Ring-Ring!
Xavier moved from making my burdens melt away to the phone, and then was calling me over to speak with Dr. Wang.
“Hi, is this Jakia Johnson?” she sounded professional, even with her accent.
“Yes, it is,” I replied.
“It’s against policy for me to deliver results over the phone. Can you come in? Today, if possible.” She sounded like the matter was more than urgent.
“Of course. I don’t think you’ve given me a choice since you sound so upset and all,” I honestly responded.
By the time we hung up, Xavier was holding me up. I didn’t know what results were waiting on me at the hospital, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out they weren’t good.
Rocko
Tiff gave me her house key, so I went to her crib and came out with Spade’s and my stash. My mind was still twisted around the letter and our follow-up conversation about Juan. I didn’t know if Juan was out, if he had snitched already, or if Jakia really did tell someone else about how all three of us have been making a living.
If Jakia was helping Juan, who was snitching to the police, were Spade and I gonna end up facing hard time? Spade might’ve been the person Juan was serving time for, but I was just as guilty as an accessory, plus I carried plenty of bodies more on my own tab. Wasn’t shit looking bright but our move up out of here.
Walking to the car, I jumped in and quickly lit a blunt. The game plan was for me to meet back up with Spade and Tiff at his crib, but I couldn’t help but contemplate making a different move. Since I had our entire stash, I didn’t need Spade to start off brand new. I’d been loyal to him thus far, but the levels have changed now.
Pulling out of the driveway, I headed in the opposite direction of Spade’s house. Fuck family—I was gonna go against the grain. So caught up in my tyrant thinking I was outsmarting my partner in crime . . . I didn’t sense someone in the car with me until the hollow tip of their pistol was touching the side of my cranium.
Pop! Pop!
Pop-Pop! Pop!
Jakia
The inside of the small room Dr. Wang had me sitting in while I waited on her made me feel like I was in a psychiatric ward. The walls were cocaine white and bare. Besides the two chairs Xavier and I sat in and the desk, there was no other furniture. And the only window in the room had the shade pulled down so no sun could shine through. If I wasn’t about to receive bad news, it sure felt like it.
“Thank you for coming in, Mrs. Johnson,” Dr. Wang greeted me. “And hello, Mr. Peterson. I see that you’re still working with your client even on your day off.” The sarcasm could be heard in her voice as she stared at our interlocked hands.
Xavier shifted nervously in his seat, but I responded, unmoved by her attitude. It might’ve been frowned upon for him to fraternize so closely with patients—or has-been patients—but I was only there for test results. I had enough confusion and drama in my life, so I didn’t need to add her criticisms and judgments to the list. “Um, my stomach has kinda been in twists since our brief conversation earlier, Dr. Wang. Can you just give me my test results?”
With one hand, Xavier rubbed, then braced my back; and with the other, he allowed me to squeeze it tightly. In spite of me holding my breath waiting on Dr. Wang to start talking, when she finally did open her mouth—I felt the same way about her like I did about the judge who sent Juan away. She was sentencing me for more than ten years—for my whole fucking life.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Johnson, but from the blood work we’ve pulled, you’ve tested HIV-positive.” Handing over the paperwork so I could look myself, I reached for them and felt Xavier drop my hand.
“Are you sure, Dr. Wang?” Surprised and looking back and forth between her and me, Xavier’s expression told his thoughts—he wasn’t fuckin’ with an infected girl. I couldn’t blame him, though. Why should he shorten his life because mine had an expiration date?
“She’s more than welcome to get a second opinion. Until then, there are support groups here at Sinai, but treatment shouldn’t be delayed.” The more Dr. Wang tried making me knowledgeable about the disease, the benefits of a lifestyle change, and how it was my responsibility to inform all sexual partners that I was carrying was a law I better abide by, the more I wanted just to get buried right then.
“Thanks—or no thanks.” I snatched the folder of information from Dr. Wang’s hands, then stood up. I rushed out of the office as she was still talking, letting Xavier finish the goodbyes.
Two seconds of putting my head down ready to throw a pity party, I took off running down the hallway to the stairwell corridor so I could beat Xavier to his office three flights below. If I was carrying HIV, there were only two people that could’ve given it to me—Spencer Spade Johnson or Robert Taylor.
Once reaching the office Xavier shared with two other social workers, I slowed down my pace, then got my composure together so they wouldn’t expect me of anything suspicious. They acknowledged my presence when I walked in but kept busy at paperwork. Grabbing his keys from his jacket pocket, I clutched them tightly, then walked out just as coolly as I’d crept in. Spade had trained me well in being slick.
When I got outside, I leaped in Xavier’s car, then reached in my purse for the blunt I’d rolled to calm my nerves after I heard the news. Doctors didn’t call you in for lollipops and flowers, so I knew shit in my life was about to hit the fan. I just didn’t expect it would be this bad.
“Jakia, hey, open the door.” Xavier had caught up with me and was at the side of his driver’s door—now mine.
I didn’t give him a chance to dismiss me. I didn’t give him a chance to take back all of the things he’d promised me just days before. Instead, I pushed my foot all the way down onto the gas pedal and steered clear of killing anyone until I reached Spade.
22
Juan
The Night I Took the Blame . . .
“A’ight, sis, don’t talk me to death. I know you don’t like Rocko and Spade, but that’s how I’ve been lining my pockets and throwing you a few dollars.” I laced up my shoes tighter, ready to hit the door. I loved my baby sister, but I wasn’t trying to hear her yapping.
“You’re gonna learn your lesson with them, Spade. They ain’t nothing but bad news. The whole hood talks about them.”
“Bye, Jakia. I’ll see you when I get back.” I hugged her, then bounced. I didn’t need her killing my vibe before meeting the fellas.
As soon as I hit the block, I greeted everyone, then made my way to where the cousins told me to meet up at. Whenever we robbed someone, we’d meet up right before, and they’d give me the details for the plan. You might as well say I work for them, but I was okay with that. I had to start small in order to get big.
“Where is yo’ ass off to?” Coming out of the alleyway, Phoebe cut me off in midstep. “Don’t ignore me, boy. Where is yo’ ass off to?”
“None of your business, Phoebe, so back up.” I pushed her out of the way, but not hard enough for it to be considered a push. Dirty, smelly, a
nd a crackhead, Phoebe was still my mom.
“Everything you do until the day you die is my business, Juan. Now, give me a few dollars.” She put her hand out, breathing heaving in my face.
“You’re such a nuisance.” I dug in my pocket, putting a ten dollar-bill in her hand. “Now, take yo’ ass home and get high in the basement so at least someone will be there with Jakia.” Moving to the left to get out of the way and on about my business, she wasn’t satisfied with the money, so she jumped back in my path.
“Oh naw, boy, you don’t get out of answering me that quickly. Thanks for the ten spot, but where are you going?”
Realizing that she wasn’t going to stop pestering me, I chose to answer her so I wouldn’t be late. If Rocko and Spade left me out of the robbery, I was gonna be hotter than hell. “Out with the fellas to make a few more of those ten spots you’re thankful for. So move.” I pushed her again, this time with a little more strength.
Phoebe stumbled, caught her balance, then sprang right back in my space. “You need to stop fucking with that crew ’cause they’re nothing but bad news. They ain’t doing nothing but using yo’ gullible ass,” she spat. “If anyone needs to be heading home, it needs to be you.”
“Okay, if you feel like that, give me my damn money back,” I challenged her opinion. I knew she wasn’t getting ready to feel so strongly about what she was speaking when her crack cash was on the line. And I was right.
“You must be a damn fool for real if you think I’m giving any part of this ten dollar-bill back. You just paid for my knowledge and wisdom. Matter of fact, gon’ and give your mother every dollar in yo’ pocket so I can really take you to school.”
I huffed and hung my head low in an attempt to gain some chill. She was testing my patience, and I was two seconds from snapping on her like a stranger and in a bad way. “Look, Ma, I’m going whether or not you like it. I’m tired of listening to whatever you’ve got to say. And I’m close to giving you two quarters to beg into a dollar. So for the last time, gon’ about your merry way and spend that ten. We’re done.”
“Well, if you want to be a fool, be my guest. I’ve been on these streets longer than you’ve been born so going against what I know won’t turn out good for you,” she spoke behind my back.
“Don’t pick today to start giving advice and paving the way. I ain’t trying to hear that shit now.” I threw the peace sign up, then took off jogging. Since she’d made me late meeting up with Rocko and Spade, I had to make up for lost time.
Not long after that, I learned my mother was right. I learned she knew the streets better than I did. But the ego I had thinking I was a man couldn’t allow me to bid out wrong.
Present . . .
Damn, I wish I could go back to then. I’d snatch the ten-dollar bill out of her hand and buy Jakia and me some food or something for the night. But unfortunately, only the rich can turn back the hands of time. I blamed myself constantly. Because of my constant bad decisions, my sister has been suffering like a prisoner too.
However many years I had to serve in this rotten prison would be a cakewalk with my sister safe and sound. Since I knew there was no way in hell I’d be the man to protect her on the outside, I was certain I’d be Gonzalo’s punk in here if necessary to ensure Jakia remained okay. It was a sure thing Phoebe wasn’t gonna be able to do that. I’d failed my family as a man. It was a good thing I’d met Gonzalo to stand up where I had failed. His family—his soldiers—were the only links I had to the world outside of the barbed wire fence and double-cemented walls.
“Count time! Count tiiimmeeee!”
Jumping up from the bed standing straight up stiff as a board, I’d fallen asleep reading Jakia’s letters over and over again and was now replaying them back.
“Yo, bunkie, I’ve been waiting on you to get up,” Gonzalo spoke low. “My crew handled Rocko; left his head bleeding out on the steering wheel. Spade is next. He’s as good as gone.”
“Damn, say the word on that.” I contained my excitement only because of the circumstances.
“If nothing else, bunkie, my world will always be one hundred.”
23
Jakia
I had a lot on my mind. A whole lot on my mind. But I wasn’t about to sit up with no hospital psychiatrist pouring out my soul or trying to make sense of it. I’d been a battered woman for too long, and it was time to pay a muthafucka back. I was getting ready to serve my husband and his right-hand man up with a round of bullets that would hopefully send them straight to hell. It was gonna be funny to see their heads turn and the quiet girl finally getting one in. Rocko and Spade have used me for too long, and although Rocko didn’t put his hands on me, he allowed it and even watched it. I wanted them both to pay in pain.
Well, they say you save the best for last—and this was getting ready to be the farewell of a lifetime. Hearing that I was HIV-positive rocked my world to the core, and it became crystal clear that even though I didn’t want to die with Spade, I already had. The loyalty and love I had for his evil, malicious, and devil-hearted ass is the reason I’m supposed to take medication for the rest of my life—you know—before I die.
Rick Ross’s No Games was giving me the right amount of juice to go in as it played through Xavier’s factory speakers. Hell, I had nothing to lose. The setups, brutal beatings, gruesome murders, my unborn baby that I was forced to abort and damn near died while doing so—and now my last saving grace in Xavier—Spade had even taken my soul from me. I couldn’t believe the amount of deceit, betrayal, and battles I’d lost in the name of love. And I couldn’t think of one thing I gained.
I gripped the steering wheel roughly, clearly not giving a fuck. I was doing twenty over the speed limit when I saw the suburban police swerve out of the parking lot they were hiding out in with their lights and sirens on, but I didn’t slow down. I turned the music up and drove faster.
“Please, pull your vehicle over. Please, pull your vehicle to the right,” one of the officers commanded over the loudspeaker as they began to pursue me.
“Not till I have another dead body under my name, you rat pigs!” I screamed out inside of the window referring to my involvement with the Robert Taylor case.
I was breaking every traffic violation of the Michigan Department of Transportation, but that was nothing compared to the felony I was about to commit.
Cars swerved to avoid a head-on collision with me, horns were blaring from irate drivers who were held up by my reckless driving, and metal-to-metal noises could be heard from other vehicles crashing into one another. I was causing total mayhem. Fuck the law. Their hands hadn’t served me any justice.
“Yeah, that’s right. I’m taking y’all asses on a ride today.”
At this point, I had strength and courage. I was relentless. The feeling was bittersweet, however. With me knowing my time in this world was now on an official countdown, I couldn’t live within the celebration of my freedom because I wasn’t really free. I couldn’t let Spade live with me dying. I couldn’t let him beat me to death. If it weren’t for him being so evil, so selfish, so manipulative, so hateful, so fucking spiteful—I would at least have pieces of a life to put together. Without this deadly diagnosis, I could at least try my chances at real love with a real man.
After almost a mile more of havoc, I was coming up close to my turn. I only had one more traffic light to get through, while at the same time getting myself some space between the squad cars behind me and me. There were now two, and I’m sure there were probably more within my route to cut me off. I wasn’t about to let my moment be short-lived, though, which is why I was refusing to pull over. The bitch that’s been embedded within me wants to come out swinging and go down in glory, and I knew they’d arrest me or at least detain me until Xavier got here to get his car and gun.
Hitting replay on Ross’s track and turning the volume up to the max, I checked my rearview mirrors and took off up the road on some Grand Theft Auto shit. With my back and neck pressed against the
seat, my foot pressed all the way down on the gas pedal, and both my hands firmly gripping the wheel, I had damn near did a donut in the middle of traffic when I hopped the curb and flew over the median.
“Oh, muthafuckinggggg shittttttt!” I screamed out, swerving off the median and into the middle of traffic.
The light had just turned, and cars were starting to cross over, unknowing of the high-speed chase that was going on. It was a sea of horns and curse words as they tried not colliding into me as I tried getting control of my vehicle. As soon the car was on all four wheels, I bent the corner and pushed the speedometer back up to the max.
“Yes, yes, yes.” I was panting, hoping they hadn’t seen me turn or dip off into the alleyway. I’d gained some room in front of them when I hopped the median, and they didn’t.
I finally burned rubber and turned on to the usually quiet street I’d been making a home for Spade and me for so long. A feeling of pure hatred came over me as all the memories of our relationship rushed back into my mind. I’d been a fool for so long that waking up was turning into a nightmare. My head was pounding, my heart was racing, and even though I was trying to be hard core—my body was trembling.
The fairy tale I ain’t never had with Spade could no longer be denied—not even to myself. I’ve spent so long trying to make-believe that I was happy that it was hard for me to admit that I was purely miserable. His coward ass was about to feel my wrath, though. I couldn’t wait to show him how much of a bitch he’d turned me into.
“Is this a joke? Spade must think my love for the last year has been a game! What is this trick doing at my house? Oh—his ass fa’sho got it coming!”
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest at the company being kept in my house. Spade’s car was pulled halfway on the grass with Tiffany’s car close behind—almost touching his bumper. I was overcome with rage, although I really shouldn’t have given a fuck. I should’ve been happy that she was willing to take over my problem, and that his attention was focused on her.
Graveyard Love Page 20
