“I am so sorry for all of this. It’s my fault.”
“How in the world is this your fault?” Paige asked.
“He was protecting me from my ex. He’s the one who did this to Pearson. And Pearson was in danger the entire time.”
Paige put her arm around my shoulders and said, “Oh, honey, you can’t blame yourself. Pearson would’ve done it anyway. He cares deeply for you and wanted to help. That man was dangerous. How could you have known this would’ve happened? It’s not your fault and you must stop thinking this. The only thing we need to concern ourselves with now is getting Pearson back on track and with your help, I believe it can be done. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”
“I am?”
“Of course you are. I’ve never seen him look at a woman the way he looks at you. You only have to take care of him the way you’ve been doing and with his hardheadedness, I believe he’ll beat this.”
“Thank you, Paige. I needed to hear those words.”
Rick asked, “Can we see him?”
Grey said, “Yeah, but he’s sleeping. If you want to peek in there, it’s fine. A word of caution, he looks awful because he’s lost a lot of weight and hasn’t had a bath in a while.”
Rick waved his hand. “I don’t care about that. He’s my son and I love him. I only care that he’s safe.”
He opened the door and he and Paige took a quick look inside. Once satisfied, they came back out.
Paige grinned. “Needs a bath is an understatement.”
“Mom,” Hudson admonished. “He was held captive.”
“I know, but he does smell awful.”
Rick shook his head and said, “Leave it to your mother to notice that.”
It was sort of comical, but I wasn’t in the mood for funny, so I let it pass.
Dr. Martinelli left and promised to come back by that afternoon.
A couple of hours later, two nurses came by and to give Pearson a bath. He was still asleep, and I asked if it was okay for them to wake him.
“The doctor gave his approval since his withdrawal is well controlled by now,” one of them answered. “We’ll call you in when we’re finished. Then we’re going to put him on clear liquids for a day to see how he handles that.”
“Thank you,” I said. Grey explained that was normal as far as his diet would go. Pearson probably wouldn’t develop an appetite right away, but it would return little by little. There was no telling how much he’d eaten in the last couple of weeks. The doctor said he was dangerously dehydrated, so they were pushing IV fluids in like crazy.
Each time I checked on him, his color had gotten better and better. Thirty minutes had passed when the nurses said it was okay for us to go in. Paige was especially happy that he was cleaned up.
“Hey there.” I went to him and kissed him on the lips. “How are you feeling?”
“Like a drug addict.” His voice was gruff.
“We’re going to change that,” I said. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this again.”
“Not any more than I am.”
I took his hand and said, “You won’t be alone in this. I promise.”
He dropped his head, staring at his lap. The room was filled with people, so I asked if we could have a private moment. Everyone filed out.
“Pearson, I have to tell you a few things.” I sat on the side of his bed and didn’t let go of his hand. “When you didn’t come home that morning, I … I started thinking about where you could be. A car accident? Did you get hurt running? I thought of all possibilities and called in the posse. Case was the one who figured out where you were. Thank God. I never would’ve guessed, and I know you didn’t either, that Greg would go for you. It was all my fault you got tangled up in this and I’m so very sorry. It’s because of me you’re having to go through this again. But even if it weren’t, I would be by your side every step of the way. There’s a reason for this. When you were gone, I realized something. I figured out that I didn’t want a life without you in it. I’ll take you any way I can. I know you have the strength and power to do this again. I’ll help you any way possible. I’ll stand by you, be with you, support you, help you, do whatever it takes for you to succeed. With the two of us, side by side, I don’t think there is anything in the world we can’t do. I love you, Pearson. And love means going the distance. I’m here with you and I’m going the distance with you. Do you get this?”
He finally half smiled, but I’d take it. “It’s not going to be easy, Rose.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I’m an addiction counselor.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“I have a little bit of knowledge in this area.”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“Can I please kiss you? I’ve missed the hell out of you.”
“Wait. I have a few things to tell you too. When I was handcuffed to that bed, the only things that kept me going were thoughts of you and Montana. I’d think of all the great times we had and figured I’d never get out of there alive. I thought he’d overdose me on purpose. Every time he came to hit me up, I filled my mind with images of your beautiful face and went to my happy place, because I figure if I died then, it would be knowing I died with the most beautiful woman on my mind.”
“Oh, God.” Tears rolled freely down my cheeks. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry and now look at me.”
“I’m sorry, babe, but it’s the truth. I love you too and you were the one who kept me alive. If not for you I would’ve given up hope. But I figured you’d suspect him and someone would find where he was keeping me.”
“Case is amazing. Did you know he was Reese’s sponsor?”
“Actually, no. But I’m sure I’ll find out all about it. I wish you could lay down with me.”
“Me too. But your family is anxious to see you and so is one precocious little girl. She’s missed her Mister.”
“I’d better see her while I’m on methadone because when they take that away, it’ll be ugly.”
“True. Now can I kiss you?”
“Yeah. Come here, babe.”
I bent over him and touched my lips to his. I was gentle because the dehydration had done a number on him. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already was.
“I love you so much, Rose.”
“I love you too, Pearson.” I hugged him and almost cried because he’d lost so much weight in those three weeks. “Let me get your family. I don’t want them to murder me.”
When I motioned them in, it was a loud reunion. I stood to the side and observed. This was a family who loved and loved hard. I’d never experienced that before, and it was special to see. I never knew anything like this before.
“Come over here, babe.” I went to his side where he had me sit down next to him. “Everyone, I may as well let you in on something. I’m going to marry this woman someday. I was going to ask her before all this happened, but now it’ll have to wait until I get sober again. And that is if she’ll have me.” He looked up at me as the corners of his mouth curved up.
“After what I just told you, you have to ask?”
“Of course he has to ask,” Paige said.
“See, Mom would kill me if I didn’t.”
“And that wasn’t a proper proposal anyway,” Paige said.
“I’m saving the proper proposal for the right moment,” Pearson said. “I’m a romantic at heart.”
“Since when?” Hudson asked.
“Since I met my beautiful Rose.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Pearson
* * *
The screams of terror woke me, and Rose was there calling my name. “Pearson, it’s a dream. You’re safe. You’re in the hospital and I’m here.” Her hands brushed through my hair and she lowered her cheek next to mine, murmuring words of comfort. My arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly. The terror still held me in its grip, not knowing if I would live or die. I was soaked in my own sweat, and the walls were crashing in on
me.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was back there, and he was coming for me.” I couldn’t stop shaking. It was the most helpless I’d felt in my life, feeling that weak.
“He’s not. He’s going to prison this time.”
“Jesus, I’m so fucking weak and so out of it.”
“It’s okay,” she said.
“No! It is anything but okay! I’m a fucking addict, Rose. Don’t you see?” I shouted the words at her.
“Calm down, Pearson.”
“How the fuck can I calm down? Do you realize what I’m facing? Again? It was bad enough the first time, but to have to go through it again.” If I could’ve ripped my hair out, I would have.
She didn’t react to my yelling at her. She only kept her hands on me, smoothing my hair back and touching me everywhere.
“For the life of me, I don’t know how you can stand to be near me.”
In a soft tone, she said, “There’s a simple explanation for that. I love you, Pearson. Love means standing by that person, going the distance, no matter what. You may not remember, but when they found you, I made a promise to you that I was going to be with you every step of the way. I know it will be God awful hard on you … the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I wish with every part of me that I could take it away. But I can’t. The only thing I can do is promise to help you and to try to make it as easy as possible. I know that’s not much, but it’s the best I can do. We’re in this together, you and me. We are partners, a team.”
I couldn’t tear my gaze off of her. The last time I did this, I had the support of my family, but I didn’t have the best woman in the world at my side. I had to believe in us to make it through and I had to believe in myself too. “I’ll get there, Rose. I’m sorry, but I’m still so out of it. And really pissed and upset. After all my hard work … it’s all down the drain.”
“I know, but it still brought you to me and for that, I’ll always be grateful.” She bent down and pressed her lips to mine.
“You’ve been on methadone ever since they brought you in. They’re going to start lowering your dose in a few days or so. It’s important for you to get your appetite back.”
I sighed. “I can’t remember the last time I ate anything.”
“That’s why you have to start eating.”
“I agree. But I’m glad I’m away from there.” I rubbed my wrist. “When I realized how thin I’d gotten, I tried to get free, but I wasn’t clear-headed enough.”
She took my hand and lightly touched the bruises on my wrist. “It looks so painful.”
“It’s fine. Not as bad as getting drug free will be. I begged him not to do it. He was maniacal. I’m so glad you left him, Rose. He probably would’ve killed you if you hadn’t.”
I felt her shiver. “Let’s not talk about him anymore. He’s taken up too much of our lives already.”
“But the strange thing is if it weren’t for him, we probably wouldn’t be together.”
She looked at me oddly. “That or the drug recovery. Isn’t it strange how something so terrible can bring two people together?”
“I’m glad it was you.”
“So am I,” she said.
Withdrawal the second time around wasn’t any worse than the first, but it seemed to linger longer. The psychological aspects of it sunk its claws into my brain and didn’t want to let loose. It was a real mind fuck this time around. I didn’t want to be away from Rose. I didn’t want to stay in the sterile environment of the inpatient hospital, but I knew it was a must. I went to the city, back to where first my treatment began. Dr. Martinelli and I had our daily sessions, but the good thing about it was we weren’t starting from scratch. We knew each other well and my relapse wasn’t because of anything I had done. But in many ways, it was worse, because my anger was always lurking, simmering below the surface. This time around, I couldn’t accept responsibility for something that wasn’t my fault. It was most difficult to come to grips with that and accept it.
“Pearson, you have to let it go. There’s nothing you can do about it anymore,” Gabby said. After all this time, Dr. Martinelli had asked me to call her by her first name, since we’d been seeing each other so much. I looked at her as more of a friend than my psychiatrist.
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“True, but in order for you to get on with your recovery, part of it is letting go of that anger. I understand why you’re angry and I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be, but that’s out of your control. Remember what we’ve discussed?” She leaned forward as she spoke.
“I do, but every time I think about why I’m here, I become enraged. He’s taken everything away from me.”
“Don’t you see you’re letting him win? And what exactly has he taken? Yes, he forced you into addiction again, but you have the strength to combat that. You still have Rose. You have a career waiting for you. Montana is eager to see her Mister. Your family is waiting with open arms. I’m not sure what he’s taken from you.”
“My dignity,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Only because you’re allowing him to. You’re choosing to give him this power over you, Pearson. Remember what we talked about the other day? This is exactly what he wanted to accomplish. When you helped Rose gain custody of Montana, you stripped him of his power over her. This is what he’s doing to you now. Stop letting him. You have the power to. You have that choice. Move on, choose to really go into recovery, let everything that Greg Wilson is go, and become the real Pearson West again. Stop allowing him to hold you back.”
She was right and I felt it all the way down to my marrow. I needed to release his hold over me. “How do I do this?”
“You know how.”
I was terrified because I didn’t. Ever since I’d woken up in that basement and begged him not to shoot me up, I knew he had complete control over me. It wasn’t the drugs this time, it was him. And even though I was in rehab, he was still pulling the strings.
“Gabby, I …”
“What?”
“I’m petrified I won’t beat it this time.”
“Why is that?”
“It’s more than just heroin. It’s him. He had the control. He basically owned me.” Jesus, I was trembling with fear.
“Pearson, I’m here. I’m not going to let you fail. Let’s take this step by step, okay?”
I nodded.
“You fear the control he had, is that right?”
I let out a long breath. “Yeah.”
“He’s in jail without bail. He can’t get near either you, Rose, or Montana. There’s no way he can leverage control over any of you anymore.”
“Cognitively, I get that. But when it comes down to it, I get freaked out like some pussy.”
“Don’t ever say that. Someone who’s been through what you have has every right to feel the way you do.” Her tone was fierce and made me stiffen my spine.
“I’m ashamed that I begged him not to inject me.”
“Why?” she snapped. “You went through recovery and knew what hell it was. Why in the hell would you be ashamed of that?”
I could only shrug.
Her tone softened when she said, “Pearson, when people fear for their lives, they’ll stop at nothing to save themselves. You not only feared for yours, you also feared for Rose’s and Montana’s. Besides that, you feared becoming an addict again. Had I been in your shoes, I would’ve begged, bargained, done anything I could have. Greg Wilson is a very sick man. You’re lucky he didn’t kill you. This is what you have to come to grips with.”
“Doc, how do I get there?”
“First, patience. Second, let him go. Expunge him from your life. I know, easier said than done. You used meditation at one time. It would be of great benefit to you now. You’re regaining your strength but aren’t quite there yet to work out. Maybe take walks with Reese when he’s here. I’ll write a note so you can do that. Let’s begin there and see what happens in a week. I’m also going to reduce your me
thadone dose again. I’d like you off that completely by next week. One other thing, and I doubt you’ll like this very much. You went to Flower Power last time for thirty days. I’m recommending you go somewhere else this time.”
My heart sank at her words.
“I understand why you’d want to go back there, and you had great success there. However, Rose and you are extremely close now. The whole point of committing to an inpatient rehab center is to be away from all family and friends and I believe it would serve you better to go someplace else. I’m going to recommend The Summit. It’s here in Manhattan. Both Reese and Case can tell you more about it if you’d like, but I’m very impressed with their capabilities and therapists. I work very closely with them too.”
“Does Rose know?”
“No. It’s your responsibility to tell her. I doubt she’ll be surprised though. Lastly, this time with all the issues you’re facing, I’m really going to push you to go on an antidepressant. I’d like you to try it for at least six months. They can take up to six weeks to work at the proper dosage, but Pearson, you’re a different man facing different circumstances this go around. Antidepressants work on neurotransmitters in the brain and yours have been really messed with by what you’ve been through. Please heed my advice. I promise they’ll help. And if one doesn’t, we’ll find another that will. After six months, when you’re past this huge obstacle you’re facing, we can talk about slowly tapering you off.”
“I think you’re right. I haven’t felt myself at all lately and it’s not fair to Rose either.”
Gabby smiled. “Excellent decision. You won’t be sorry.” She scribbled something down in her notes and asked if I wanted to discuss anything else.
“How long do you recommend for my next step?”
“You mean The Summit?”
“Yeah.”
“Minimum sixty days and I’ll reassess.”
I frowned. The thought was depressing.
From Smoke To Flames— Amazon: A West Brothers Novel Page 27
