Elaine keeps trying to feed me. Which is also nice, at least it makes me feel less self-conscious about how much I’ve been eating since I’ve gotten pregnant. Even by pregnancy standards, it feels like a lot. But Elaine pats me on the head and offers me a bunch of homemade beef jerky fresh from the dehydrator, which is somehow exactly what I was craving. Bless Elaine.
Their kitchen is huge and Elaine says they have a cook on staff but she also likes to cook herself. I get the impression she does a lot of charity work and she has a lot of hobbies. She likes to sow and garden. Traditional things, she tells me sheepishly. I tell her there’s nothing wrong with that stuff, if that’s what she loves.
“I’ve never really been into those sorts of things personally,” I say, as we stroll through one of the many corridors. There are three kinds of wood in a diamond pattern on the floor and there are little statues on pedestals. I can’t stop staring at everything. I’m also hoping she doesn’t have a problem with my lack of traditionally ‘feminine’ hobbies. I want to keep liking Elaine. “I read a lot and I watch a lot of goofy movies. I guess I’m just always focused on my work.”
“Well, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a driven career woman,” Elaine says, patting my hand. “I may be a little old fashioned but I’m not that old fashioned.”
“Gardening seems like it would be fun though,” I say, as she leads me out into the gardens.
The Tremblays have a vegetable garden and a rose garden and there’s even a koi pond with a little white bridge arching over it. I can’t get over how beautiful the grounds are. There all kinds of flowers too; hydrangea bushes and wild lavender growing, the scent of jasmine, and wildflowers everywhere.
“I don’t know anything about it,” I say. We sit down on a wrought iron bench near the Cupid fountain, it’s on a little slope that looks out on the woods beyond the estate. “I’d probably kill a fake houseplant.”
“Oh, I could teach you all about gardening,” Elaine says with a wave of her hand. “We’ll make a day of it.” She laughs then, and her laugh is sweet. “Do you know how long I’ve waited for one of my boys to bring somebody like you home? I’m just tickled.”
All at once, I burst into tears.
“Oh, sweetie!” Elaine immediately tries to console me and I feel foolish as she hands me a tissue that just appears from her pocket, like magic. “What’s the matter, dear?”
“You’re so lovely and kind,” I say. “But the way Aaron has talked about… It’s confusing. He kept saying we could never be together and now that I’m pregnant, he’s saying he’ll do whatever it takes but… He won’t explain to me why. But here you are being so welcoming? I think I’m just overwhelmed.” I sniff and shake my head. “I want to be part of your family. I want you to...teach me gardening and all that. Can you tell me why any of this isn’t possible?”
Elaine takes a deep breath and seems to gather her thoughts as she wraps an arm around me.
“It’s not my place to explain why the two of you together might be a problem,” Elaine says gently. “All I can tell you is that people like us Tremblays have...a difficult time with conventional relationships. We have certain obligations that are out of our control. But I will tell you something, Michelle. I saw the way Aaron looked at you when you walked in. He will fight for you. I know my boys. They don’t back down when they believe in something or they love somebody.”
“That’s good to hear,” I say, smiling weakly.
I feel as if Elaine wants to say something else but she stops herself. She takes my hand and we walk around the gardens. She tells me about how the rose garden is her pride and joy. She says that when she was first going out with Aaron’s father, he gave her a white rose that he said was as pure as his love for her. She confides in me that she thought it was terribly sweet and also pretty cheesy. But when he brought her a red rose and told her it was as red as his passion for her, she fell in love with him. So when they moved into the estate, the first thing she did was to plant a rose garden.
“It’s all my hopes and dreams for my family,” she says, as we stroll down a long aisle of yellow roses. “Each rose is my hope for the future. The legacy of the Tremblays.”
“It’s a lot, isn’t it?” I say. “The legacy thing?” I have to think that has something to do with what’s standing in our way. “I think Aaron feels a kind of pressure about that. But he doesn’t talk about it.”
“Yes,” she says, nodding. “Xander feels the heaviest burden of all, of course, being the oldest. But in a way, I think it’s just as hard on Aaron because he’s the youngest. He’s always felt he had something to prove. He was a very serious child, you know?”
“Really?” I like hearing about Aaron as a child but it does surprise me a little it after seeing those pictures of him wrestling around in the grass.
“Oh, yes,” Elaine says. “Xander was always the most athletic and Aaron always wanted to keep up with him and the others even though he was younger. Micah’s the funny one, and Mason is sweet. Sometimes Mason can be quiet and serious but he has a peaceful contentment about him. But Aaron would take things very seriously. I think that’s why he went into accounting. He wanted to prove he could excel at something so adult.”
We come upon a statue in the rose garden of a big stone wolf mid-run. It’s pointed in the direction of the woods and it looks like it’s about to charge ahead, right into the forest.
“That’s beautiful,” I say, reaching out to touch the surprisingly delicate detail of the wolf’s ears and snout.
“That goes far back in the family,” Elaine says, sighing. “The Tremblays brought this all the way from France oh, centuries ago.”
“They like wolves, huh?” I mutter.
“Um...sort of a mascot, I suppose you could say.” She smiles sweetly, and strolls over to a white rose bush and picks out one rose, half-bloomed. But I can’t stop staring at the statue of the wolf.
“It reminds me of some dreams I’ve had lately,” I say. At that she turns around quickly, eyes wide.
“Oh really? What of, dear?”
“Just of a wolf running through the woods,” I say, musing. I’ve had that same dream every night since Aaron and I first made love. “It’s black with a white underbelly and the most beautiful bright blue eyes. In my dream, it runs in slow motion and all the trees are a blur around it. I can sort of feel what it feels even. Even though it’s not me, I know that. But I can feel how free it is, the chill hair running through its fur, and all the scents it smells. I can feel it’s joy and it’s love of the wild. It’s strange… I’ve never had a recurring dream like that. I don’t know what it means, but it feels important to me. Sacred. I probably sound silly.”
“Not at all, dear,” Elaine says soft. She’s picked the thorns of the white rosebud and sticks it behind my ear. “I think it’s a lovely dream indeed.”
“Reminds me of Aaron,” I say offhandedly, and it’s a throwaway thought, nothing I really considered though now it seems eerily true.
“What’s that, dear?”
“The wolf in my dream,” I say. “And the statue, I guess. Determined...maybe kind of lonely. But capable of such joy at the same time.”
I watch Elaine’s brow turn down and her mouth collapses. She blinks away tears. “Is Aaron loney?” she questions, “Please tell me.”
“I…” I wring my hands. It’s something I’ve read from him but he’s decent at covering his feelings when he really wants to. “I think he’s been very satisfied with his life but I think he has been lonely. It’s the way he looks when he thinks we won’t be able to be together, I… I think he’s wanted somebody for a long time. I hope that person can be me.” My eyes are shining. I swear, the hormones aren’t helping me keep it together at all. “I love him so dearly, Mrs. Tremblay. I would never hurt him and I know he would never hurt me. We…” I wipe stubborn tears out of my eyes. “We need each other.”
“Michelle…” Elaine takes my hand in hers. “I will do whatever I ca
n to help the both of you. And not just because you’ve got my grandbaby inside you. I think you’re a lovely girl and I know you’d be so good for Aaron. No matter what happens, I want you to know that I am on your side.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Tremblay,” I say, sniffing and wiping my tears away.
Elaine wraps me in a hug and says, “Oh, dear girl, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Elaine?”
Chapter Thirteen: Michelle
We stay at the estate a couple more days and from what I can tell, there aren’t any more big mystery meetings involving a bunch of guys in suits. Instead, it’s more like a regular family visit. Elaine is always feeding me. It gets to be a joke but I can’t turn down whatever she offers. She even orders in my favorite lemon cream cheesecake from a pie place in town when I mention it. I get to know Aaron’s brothers. Xander’s a bit distant. I find him the most difficult to read. But Micah keeps me in stitches and Mason seems very sweet indeed.
Xander and I get a lot of work done from his luxurious bedroom, more than usual maybe. I find it easy to concentrate when I’m in the lap of luxury. There are always strawberries on my plate at breakfast because I happen to mention they’re my favorite. After lunch, Aaron and I walk around the grounds and sit in the rose garden and canoodle and he promises the moon. I just hope he can deliver it. But in the evenings when we play boardgames and I’m laughing along with his family, I feel like one of them and it seems impossible that I’d ever be turned away.
Finally we leave, after a lot of hugs and long goodbyes. It’s not until we’re in Aaron’s car and driving through the gates that I see the way his shoulders drop. He tells me that there might not be a problem after all with our relationship. That’s heartening, I guess. But it’s not the finality I would like. Still, he reaches over and clasps my hand in his, kissing my knuckles.
That night, I go to Aaron’s place instead of my own, and text Luna where I’ll be. I sent her pictures the whole time I was staying at the Tremblays. She claimed to be jealous but if everything works out, I look forward to having her over there too. I think Elaine would like Luna as much as she likes me.
That night I slip into one of Aaron’s t-shirts and it’s getting to be routine, the way he spoons up behind me and hugs me to him like a teddy bear. It’s becoming so routine, in fact, that I don’t like to imagine a world without it and I play with his fingers once we’re comfortable, worrying about the future.
“Can it alway be like this?” I say softly.
“What do you mean?” Aaron says, moving my hair and laying a kiss at the nape of my neck.
“I mean...every time I go to bed now, I want you to be holding me,” I say. I feel naked and open and I’m glad he’s behind me when I say it. “I want you always there, making me feel safe. You know? Can it always be like this, Aaron?”
“No matter what happens, sweetheart,” Aaron says, “I’m not giving you up. Not now. I can’t.”
“And what if you have to choose between me and your family someday?”
“Then they’re gonna be pretty pissed at me,” Aaron says, and I can feel him chuckle, which is comforting. “Because I’d choose you. And the truth is, they’d understand that choice.”
“I love you,” I whisper, smiling to myself. He has quite a way of making me feel better about things when he wants to.
“I love you too.”
As the weeks pass, I find myself with no reason to doubt Aaron. I spend nearly every night at his condo. It feels like a dream. We keep learning all these little things about each other. We seem to find each other endlessly fascinating. Aaron hates mushrooms but he eats them because he doesn’t like to waste food. He took piano for two years as a kid but somehow all he can play is Heart and Soul. He loves books about pirates whether fiction or nonfiction but he hates the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and will rant about them endlessly. He thinks it’s sexy that I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue. He hates that I always beat him at Mario Kart. We argue over whether or not Knocked Up counts as a romantic comedy. He rubs my feet whenever I ask him.
We only seem to fall deeper in love with each other. And through it all, I feel as if I’m becoming more aware of the baby inside me. I know it must still be way too tiny to be much of anything yet. But I feel a sense of power that I can’t explain. I actually feel stronger than before I was pregnant. Luna said that’s weird as hell. Yet somehow it makes sense to me.
I keep my little stuffed wolf in my purse and when I’m worried, I squish it in my hands.
It seems funny to me that Luna brought me a wolf after my dream and the statue at the Tremblay estate. It’s like wolves are following me around. But I decide I don’t mind that.
At work one day, everything goes sideways. I’ve just come out of a meeting with Reynolds, who seems to have gotten used to dealing with (gasp) a woman handling his account. I’m feeling pretty good about things and when I see Aaron across the floor, he tosses me a wink.
An hour later, I’m in the restroom and just about to come out when I hear a couple women talking. One of them is Claire and the other is the receptionist, Linda. They’re using their ‘gossip tone’. Everybody’s got a gossip tone and my ears can’t help but perk up, interested in whatever tea they’re about to spill. Which serves me right. Since the tea is all about me.
“They just make it so obvious,” Claire hisses. “The way he winks at her.”
“And they always go to lunch?” Linda says, with all kinds of innuendo attached.
“And everybody was congratulating her on the Reynolds account,” Claire says, with all kinds of derision in her voice. “As if she’s some kinda genius or something. When really it’s more like ‘oh congrats, you banged the boss, I guess you get the big accounts now!’”
My cheeks are burning. I feel my hands shake. I don’t remember the last time I was so mortified. Have we really been that obvious? I didn’t think so. In fact, we’ve had several conversations about how discreet we need to be at work.
I guess it didn’t get by the gossip factory.
As much as I’m angry at them as they go back and forth at my expense, cackling away, I’m angriest at myself. I should’ve known something like this would happen. It stings all the more when I remember how I rolled my eyes at Aaron’s initial excuse that we couldn’t date because of work.
I wait until they’re gone and then come out, feeling suddenly as if everyone is watching me and thinking exactly what those two were.
Aaron and I have been meeting for lunch but today I wish I could cancel without raising any suspicions. It all feels so obvious now as he follows me out and rests his hand at the small of my back when we go out the front door.
At lunch I order a lot of food because as upset as I am, the baby won’t be denied his gigantic lunch. Aaron dotes over me and asks how I’ve been sleeping since the night before I slept at my own place (I figured I should be paying rent for something).
“Are you alright?” He finally asks, his brow furrowed in concern.
“No,” I say simply. “Aaron, everyone knows we’re sleeping together.”
His eyes flash and I see the way his shoulders tense up suddenly. “Did somebody say something to you ? Who was it? Was it Todd? I hate that guy-”
“No,” I say. “It was worse, Aaron. They weren’t saying anything to me, they were talking about me. Claire and Linda in the bathroom. They think I slept my way into the Reynolds account.”
“That’s some sexist bullshit!” Aaron says, slamming his fist on the table. “And I don’t care if they are women, it’s still sexist, I can’t believe-”
“I’m going to have to quit,” I say. “That’s all there is to it. I have to quit, I can’t work like this. I can’t bear knowing everyone thinks I’m only doing well because I’m sleeping with you, Aaron, I can’t abide it.”
“Michelle, wait.” Aaron takes a breath. “Just calm down a minute-”
“Don’t tell me to calm down!” I hiss. “I take pride in my work! I
’ve gotten everything I have myself! It was never because I was fucking anyone and I can’t stand for anyone to think so!”
“I know!” Aaron gives me a pleading look which I’ve come to think of as his puppy expression. “I know it’s awful. I don’t blame you…”
“I’m supposed to make manager soon,” I point out, even as it’s occurring to me. “God, what will they think then?”
“Who cares what they think!” Aaron says, but I can see him scrambling. He’s panicking as much as I am. “What they think doesn’t matter-”
“You don’t understand because you’re the guy,” I snap. “Of course, it doesn’t matter to you. They might think you’re a jerk but they always hate the woman they think is sleeping her way to the top more than they hate the guy she’s supposedly sleeping with.”
Aaron is quiet then. He’s run out of arguments. Or at least that’s what I think until his eyes glimmer and he raps his nails on the table.
“You can’t quit,” he says quietly. “I don’t mean I don’t want you too, Michelle. I mean you can’t quit because I can’t not be...around you. I have to be near you while you’re pregnant.”
“Baby, I know you feel protective of me,” I say, resisting the urge to roll my eyes, “but seriously, you’ll live without keeping an eye on me all day. Besides, if anything I’ll be safer and healthier not working. I’ll have to think of something to occupy my mind for a while but I don’t see the good in finding a position somewhere else when I’m already pregnant. I’d just be getting settled in only to go on maternity leave…”
“No, no…” Aaron grunts and rubs his face with his hands. He looks so tired suddenly. “I don’t just mean I’d be worried or… I can’t physically be apart from you that long. I won’t be able to function. It’s...it’s just hard to explain-”
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