Briggs and I, enclosed ourselves in pure peaceful magic. He opened blue eyes, leaving behind crease marks.
Avoidance of coddling for hours and whispering to the forever bit.
Negation of the throbbing of what it symbolized. Just tugs at experiences you gave me and before removing yourself from my home. Not a word said, not having too.
Just a small kiss placed upon those pink lips.
Gentle to roll your fortress up and over me, swallowing me whole. Not saying it was okay or that you could make me fall under emotions of higher powers.
In circumstances, not saying a word would refer to checking the yes box.
Move alongside the divots and rivets on the wall. In-between the ruffles of my sheets we met. Who were we to enjoy the clarifying position of such haste, of such lovely anguish?
We wanted to believe it to be true.
Pressure from his everlasting imprint connected onto my lips. I ached for the experience we were experimenting.
Who knows where this will lead, but lead me there now. Infatuation will be short, endure enough to ruin us forever. I’d like to take this further, maybe too far. Shall I leave breadcrumbs or let the raindrops wash away our footprints?
Give to you what you ask for, if nothing else than to give the tragedy inside the night off. I’ll hand over what you plead for, just for one minute of sweet deception. If you come closer I’ll let you win, just this once, I’ll let you pass this facade I am creating. Moments, I swear I would never give up to anyone else. I’m not a hero, not a savior, just a woman on her way past redemption.
Sanctified grasping words I never thought I would hear from a male outside the makeshift ordinance. Rebuttal, juddering to your accusation, but of course decline my refusal. Convey on a halfhearted flee. I didn’t care if you said it. If you did, would you whisper as I slumber. Say it when you kiss the lips good night, caress the neckline I gave you to dote on.
“We shouldn’t be doing this.” My body told him otherwise.
“I’m the opposite of the girl you wish to obtain.” I profess, but instincts take over and his rhythmic ligaments cater to the likings of mine. There was a variance between a lost soul bound by duty and a forgiving one compromising to a thing mentioned as love.
“I’m not trying to make you love me, Trae Lae.” This sentence started like he rehearsed it. Many times before switching out the name for different faces.
The contradiction wasn’t bothersome, I didn’t mind. Flout down the outside shield. My total body blossoming. Tingling sensations made it confusing. Banned from partaking in acts of unsupervised connection.
“I don’t need to be loved. Come here…” His eyes continuing close, rubbing the tips of our noses. Did I hit a nerve bigger than the one I wanted?
“Not by me...” I exhaled, mumbling in my position. “By…”
Kisses precise on those delicate lips. I wanted this always, to touch this escape. Movements making me pucker for more. I ached for that experience once more. Who knows where this will lead, but don’t lead me astray?
Enjoy the taste of me. Untouched by other influences, unused by another man’s level of kindness. Transgressions I am participating in will get to me. It’ll tear me layer by layer. Thin, until my bones are the tiniest concern for feasible shattering. Sin born on my permanent record over and over. Faces I hope to be blind for instead of fronting those determining the consequence. I will die a lonesome soul.
Sweet kisses dived deeper. Moments shared apart were for partial air supply. We’d gotten shirtless bare skin showing, questioning how far we were going to get. Items of clothing strewn across the bedroom floor. Prepare myself of what the next moments would entail for us. To be honest, I had no idea what to expect. My mother followed the society’s rules. Sex and explanations mute in households. Birds and the bees, 2 species from which we collected items. Not having a thing to do with examples for coitus.
You put what up where!? I fumbled through my thoughts giving up being led the right way. I can sense him now; how I have never felt another human being until this second.
Briggs in catapulting motion.
We are on a new journey towards our gambling behalf.
Two faces to every story. In this love story the two opposing sides are nature and our religious beliefs. We are informed to stay pure for the wedding night. To stay clean in the sight of our elders, for the man that will make us his bride. I couldn’t even fathom the idea of being an Amish wife now. The regulations they make necessary against these kinds of acts.
I know why.
Victim to this helpless crime, weak in my demeanor for that awakening. The endangered species you poke and prod with sticks and stones. Cuts or bruises, a delinquent act of retribution for your unsatisfying self. I was an acting director of this hate crime upon my own people. I understand how banishing us wasn’t the worst thing they could have done.
Guilt will manifest, possibly take over the spirit that’s been rekindling inside me for these historical epochs. I resonate and wish only for an ease to my demise.
I love it here with you, this place of worship, of craving. You trace an extended finger down my cheek, throbbing at my neckline. Am I as illustrious as you envisioned me to be? What is making you weak, cringing in-between your gasps? I don’t care to own that pleasure in your eyes from time to time. I wish to be enough for me. Good enough for memory keep.
“Do you ever think about going back to the Amish?” Briggs twirled loose strings around his pointer finger.
Every day.
“Not even in the slightest.” My heart sad and heavy.
“Why not? I’d like to see you back in those pioneer clothing.” Tickles on the right earlobe.
“Your mother and father miss you, siblings, past courters.” Fingers slow to form around bare shoulder blades.
“Briggs my parents are encouraged to shun the idea of me when I walked off our settlement.”
“Shun? How long is that route of punishment?” Intrigued with my past came across moderately uncomforting.
“Forever, Briggs.” My thoughts in immediate blockade method. I gathered feelings and pushed them aside. Stage the cleanup of the disaster zone we created.
“Forever? Bit much, I’d say. Couldn’t write an apology note and confess your undying love for the Amish world.” His humor of this coming across offensive.
“There is no going back, pleading for forgiveness. I made a choice to leave, their reply to my verdict with ostracism.” Scramble to cover the exposed ivory skin.
“Hey, just joking. Sorry if you took offense.” Body laid length wise of my twin bed, taking his leisurely time to get up.
“I indeed took offense. You know not a thing of my customs and the expense I’ve made to be here. To walk away from the municipal, means walking away from the entire family.”
“Come on, Trae. I am trying to get to know you. I apologize for bringing it up.” Shuffles of his warm palms over my arms forming goose bumps.
The clarity of the guilt and pain I relinquished to survive. I tried to push it out and move on, but there was a tie I couldn’t break from an isolated homeland I once called home.
“Time for you to go. Studies to attend to.” Slight shrugs of careless whatever in wake of his presence.
“I thought you would be different is all.”
“Different how?” His expressions never changed unless at the moment of the crime.
“Special.” Nurtured to be the opposite of this unique species. Raised as most were, to please the civilization that cultivated you. To serve your Lord and the man you are chosen to wed. Heart full of domicile obligation, with a full spirit of modest support.
Somewhere inside me I knew this part to be true. I wasn’t a flamboyant mistress waiting for the maintenance to her golden kingdom. Too nervous to wear pants higher than ankle length.
I was not the angel you had been searching for. Matching wings with the backbones were you? Shrewd that I fit to none, only t
he ones you imagined for me.
This characteristic of specialty I hesitated to recognize. It didn’t wait for me after an automobile accident contoured my brain waves to make magical music. The way a panic attack welcomed the people crazy, while others rendered geniuses. He wanted more than my subtle body could conjure up. Rockets in his hindsight as I clung onto dollar store sparkles.
The marvel wasn’t that his devastation awoke a being of greatness. The thought of doing so for his pleasure convinced hair to stop growing. I traveled around the freedom states for years, earning what I thought good proportioned acceptance was. Here with you now, I realize I wasn’t going to qualify for your skyscraper morals.
“I’m not out here to make friends.” Careless to quote it to myself as well.
“Well, we’re not friends.” He became impassive. Increase the volume I indorse, speech sounding unlovely.
“We aren’t anything, are we?” Detaching myself even further. I got rigged, tired of hearing his identical criticisms on my behalf. I ignored his willingness to change the entirety of my soul. Ignorance was blissful. That is if you were a fool enchanted by its charm.
We weren’t preordained for forever. Didn’t he know that? Besides this absurd always thing; it was a dedication I didn’t have in me to own.
His obsession left neglected.
Ģ⅖
The Circus in Me Page 8
