Solo in my bed, frozen from the sight of my God fearing father. Thunder and lightning displaced as he marched to make compost of his disloyal daughter. Lost the race with the first one. In my head confident that he would not lose the reins on his 2nd born. I figured as much he tightened the restraints on the other children, making any means to see them unfeasible. I held out my tongue, my speech still intact. Cross my heart, my allegiance still in good order. I take out my brother’s photo, my sorrow solid and alive.
What was I to make of this? Where was I to go if not to a place others claimed as sanctuary? Why not seek shelter with the Atheists, the Buddhists or the Catholics? The simple answer I tend to lean towards is they asked of me, not for me.
The Mormons accepted who they approved on good merit and grace. I must be good enough, if the Latter Day Saints want me there.
Arunia insisted I go. Her reasoning for me being here kept locked up. The keys decomposing along with her wisdom. The inheritance left for college tuition, now who can pass on tuition free college.
Perceptions of the world ponder on likings I have toward him. Marvel that maybe I am not trying to persuade his acceptance, I am fulfilling my own wishes.
We were in no commitment to belong to one another. Yet there was a tug at my side, a trembling in my breath and a twitter in my heartbeat. Many days gone, spent wandering in my own rule-books of customary circumstances. To make matters worse I level headed a major I fought to comprehend. Did anyone ever completely understand why we were earning degrees that would be so called worthless, in the monogamous years?
Classes blended themselves together. I walked from my dorm to the uneventful site that awaited me across the street; his expectations to be different. How different can a woman be, when she is put in a class of simple, normal, irrelevant creatures?
Briggs wanted a shining star. The color that would restore me from my shelter of ultimate darkness. Gleam in his words was unforgettable, but mine never discovered.
Knowledge about me smeared in every which way possible. The fact he acted shocked was shocking overall. I wasn’t as plain Jane as they said. Although I didn’t make myself a public item to be dealt.
Arunia told me I would fall in love. She told me the sweet smell of honey as I came to understand what real love could mean.
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Daydreams of when they would give up the idea of Trae Lae’s arrival back in the country. Contemplating to themselves it just wasn’t Rumspringa on my mind. The small thought of being recognized as a biblical follower caused such a panic, I cloaked myself in the formal wardrobe.
Intentions of going back home, eventually. Soon my pockets of this worldly money would become empty. My reflection stood a girl who would in two movement’s race home to unforgiving guardians. Grace her with one more chance of humility.
A heart broken, a soul taken. My mistakes were mine for the making, I came to this conclusion quick. I needed time absent from that world, time gladly leading me away. This thought deemed obscure, referring to time as a being of manhood. Rehearse the next lines often in my melancholy head. Giving into a beautiful smile, he gave me the volume I so longed for; endless. Mr. Time began to pull me along into categories of adulthood.
Never having this chance before, the escape I’d always envied. A fugitive from the monitoring world; I began to dream. Dream as I did, lead me to far off places.
At first arriving in the mythical land of carnival, I found myself the victim of oddity. It was awkward like many things were in the circus way of life. I began to stare, the stillness in every direction; not understanding the rules of engagement. Embarrassment, pushed respect into a deeper hole. They offered new clothing, but I kindly refused. I can’t be seen in something so trashy as a purple skirt; no matter the length of it. A bright orange top that read I’m young and free. Whatever the hell that foresaw I couldn’t very well go gallivanting out in the media world when raised in a doctrine one.
Memorize these small moments when this world clashed with the one I came from. Also recalling these were times of struggle, of change, of enlightenment.
It seemed we were all orphans of the ocean. In the offing to float upon the naked coast, holding nothing in our hands but a struggle to survive in these taxing stages. It wasn’t long before we are found. Placed together like we’d come together. I was wondering myself if in time we would become captivated with one another’s quirks. Did they assume we are meant to belong to one another? Justly, as I would state it; oddities tailored oddities.
Lack of care to go outside. I didn’t have intentions of making words with you. I indeed envisioned to weave a basket out of your prolonged lover’s bleached blonde hair.
Yes, I went that dark and creepy.
My solitary confinement made the best exception for a household. On days like this I wrote to Tagert and Tamer. Leonard was never on the talkative side. I told them the basics; school was going good, the weather was depressing, as always.
Spring break might acquire spring.
Simple replies like, sucks for you, we’ve just landed in Hawaii.
In which I would reply in thought, sorrowing tunes play for me always. Of course I would never write such a comment with words. I was only sticking it to them, they would say.
My studies were unsatisfying.
Nevertheless they must be completed. Finals were approaching and my ideas of happiness further from the truth. The rhythm they took I would never understand why.
Where would I spend my long-lasting spring session? In Florida with the next generation of alcoholics and strippers? Or lounge in the living room watching reruns of black and white shows. In reality I would be spending quality time with fresh novels. My remarks were distasteful. Images on the beach with my old colleagues, playing in the sand and enjoying the waves as they crept up to my toes. Enjoying life once more. I want go. They sent a ticket with my old aged name. I could go anywhere.
Smile on myself, I picked out a near tight-fitting swimsuit. One of the locals might take a liking to this illusion of beauty.
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The Circus in Me Page 13
