The Circus in Me

by S.M. Bjarnson

  Figured I better keep finances in order. I scoured the Rexburg County for help wanted signs. Briggs convinced Sloan to hire me at his family’s diner. Nothing like bussing the filth of tables to remind yourself what the good life is. Second week into this lovely over paid job, my sister Aubrie Ayn stopped by.

  “Trae Lae, a chick up front asking for you.” Sloan tapped on the kitchen door queuing presence in the front of the house.

  “Okay, be right there!” Wipe the soapy hands off on the apron.

  The restaurant was an outdated version to look like a 50s milkshake shop. The colors striped red with silver. She stood next to the jukebox, picking a song to play.

  “Hi, Aubrie Ayn.” Her smile growing wider as she turned.

  “How have you been? You need to get a cell phone.” Center of my abdomen hugged tightly.

  “Cell phone? Too noisy!” I wiggle out of her embrace, giving a soft smile in return.

  “Everybody has a cell phone, Tracy Aliza. I mean Trae Lae.” Correction to my real name with my pen name. I gave a smile in acceptance.

  “What are you doing? Is Tamer here too?” Glances made behind her to find no Tamer, and thankfully no Tagert.

  “Sadly no, I came alone. I wanted to talk to you about something, if you would allow me to do so?” Aubrie’s voice shrank in size and the sound of it became squeaky.

  “Sure, give me 10 minutes!” Untie the apron from my waist and hang it on a hook. I find Sloan and ask permission to leave early. His posture agrees and accepts my absence.

  “Let’s get out of here!” I wrap my arm around her and stroll onto the apartment complex.

  “Perfect!” Excitement quickly motivated us to get through the cold breeze.

  “Here it is!” The door opened to the living area.

  “Wow! So this is what a dorm room looks like? Pretty spacious, this place is gigantic!” Coincidentally, the rest of the inmates stumbled in behind us.

  “These would be my roommates, Aubrie.” A slight wave, and an awkward smile in their direction. They complied to my guest and I the same.

  “Oh, roommates must be fun! Do you ladies share everything?” Thrilled to learn more and more about this obscure habitat we called home.

  “Everything!” Slyness in her smile; Ashlee.

  “Except for manners, I assure you.” Discreet glares at her comment.

  “Come on I’ll show you my room, Aubrie.” Squirming out of the odd predicament.

  Enter the corner bedroom to find books in the place of magazines, corrupted television series replaced by classical symphonies.

  “What did you want to speak about?” Piles of clean clothes removed from the bed.

  “I wanted to talk about why you left. Malachi’s accident was troublesome for all us, especially our father.” My blood ran thin and it began to heat, the temperature began to rise.

  “It wasn’t difficult for him. He chose Malachi’s exit.” Blinds yanked open clashing on the window. The day became a windy war.

  “Your information is foolish, sister. Papa would never want any harm to come to Malachi!” Tears swelling in her eyes. I began to realize that her truth and my truth were far apart.

  “Tell me not that I have flaws in my own memories, Aubrie Ayn.” I glared outside at the pale pavements, painted with tiny raindrop imprints.

  “You were there, when he laid on the hospital bed? When he took his finale breaths?” Her palms gripping at her throat, grasping the knowledge of my part of the truth.

  “Yes, I suppose father and mother took me out of the equation.” I sat beside her on the platform. I made motions to comfort my idling friend. Arms flat next to my torso unwilling to give comfort.

  “He’s alive.” Aubrie’s somber cries whispers now.

  “Who is alive?” Fingers tangled in one another’s prints.

  “Malachi.” Malachi. Malachi. My brother’s name drumming in my ears, piercing veracity.

  “No, Aubrie! I saw his life taken from him. Those in turn you call mother and father. I saw him wavering, inches from death. I heard the machine flat line, the beats of his heart nonexistent.” Tumbled to the floor. I found the bedpost a structure to help steady the statement.

  “Trae Lae, you are improper on his behalf. He is married with a son. Also another one on the way he plans to call in memory of you.” Truth overflowing; I could barely recognize my own identity in those memories by his bedside.

  “That cannot be…” Brain aching for information.

  “Our father claimed it a miracle. God granting him a second chance at a new beginning. The Bishop agrees, forgiving Malachi’s transgressions in contradiction to the church.”

  “Of course he would.” I whisper carefully under my breath, not letting her hear the doubt in my voice.

  “I thought Briggs would have told you. When he came to visit our family, Malachi introduced him accordingly. They struggled with understanding and at first refused to meet with him. Malachi insisted they meet the man you intended to spend your life with.” Aubrie now hovered above me, like she was the eldest sister catering to the cries of younger siblings.

  “Briggs knew all this time, and hesitated to mention it to me?” Crumbles from present time, I sought out comfort in the cascading shadows of moonlight.

  “I thought you were taking your time adjusting to the new information. If I had known you didn’t know, I would have told you at the circus.” Shook my head violently, my thoughts deceiving everything I ever knew to be true.

  “I’m happy to know of Malachi’s survival.” I gain my composure, and look for the poise lost.

  “You must come back to Whitley County to visit?” Aubrie’s voice escalated in excitement about the forthcoming of my reunion.

  “I suppose for a short time I will.” My hands trembling with the belief Malachi could be alive, walking around, breath in his lungs. Feeling as if I’d been the one who abandoned him at the hospital.

  Ultimately confused and highly dazed, there was no proof in my memory that told me he would survive. Not an ounce of troubling wonder kept me seated as the doctor disconnected the life support. I ran out on the only friend I thought I had.

  “I will see you in a week’s time. Safe travels sister.” Bow in grateful farewell.

  “I will inform them of your pending arrival! The young sisters and brothers will be thrilled to see you.” She smiled a mile long.

  “Best let it be a surprise!” Nodding her on her way. She reflected the nod in agreement to mine. Off she went to the borders we were raised. Back to the country where my brother made his livelihood, a clan in tow.

  Pacing the 5 feet of room I claimed as mine over the school year, it worried me so that I could have been so blind. My father planting his survival as a way to communicate a miracle. Declare justice for his somnolent son.

  Briggs, how could he not tell me. Unless the missed communication of the earlier week made it certain this was the news of my brother I refused to accept. Still, my knowledge of the breathing body made me quake.

  In our hometown he raised his own children. The very place that suffocated your soul. Now he found God, given a second chance at life. Beckoned at the call of duty asked of our father. Was it I the one to betray my own brother?

  How could they not tell me? Those years wandering around in disarray? The moments I slouched cold and alone, abandon what I thought was a stand against the wrong doing of my patriarch. Instead I left because of what I thought were the wrong doings of my Lord.

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