“First and last,” I’m quick to add.
Nell nods. “And it will be.”
“Aww,” I coo. “Nell, you really do have insight into the future, don’t you?”
She gives a nervous glance over to Greer. “Only to an extent.”
Greer glances to the ceiling. “I know nothing, Lottie. And believe me, I like it that way.”
Carlotta looks to her mother. “Well? What’s it gonna be? Do I win the lottery, or don’t I?”
“Carlotta.” It takes great effort not to groan her way. “You’re a wealthy woman.”
“I know that, Lot, but it doesn’t change the fact I want to win.”
Nell chortles. “Oh dear, child. Don’t get your hopes up, but I’m not ruling it out either.”
“And what about Lot Lot?” Carlotta secures me by the wrist as if I were about to bolt. “Let’s skip right to the juicy bits of her life. Which bad boy does she shack up with first? Is she gonna have a tribe of little litigators or miniature murder investigators on her hands?”
Nell tips her chin down to get a better look at me. “Well, Lottie, which is it?”
“Please.” Greer begins to shake her body to the rhythm of the twangy music. “Lottie, you just keep both. Noah and Everett won’t mind sharing. You’ve already groomed them to do just that.”
“I’m not grooming anybody,” my voice squeaks as I try to defend myself.
Carlotta barks out a laugh. “That’s what they all say—just before they go to prison.”
“I’m not going to prison.”
Greer shakes her head. “That’s right. You’re not. With those two hotties? You’re headed straight for heaven.”
“Maybe,” I say. “But only because this conversation is killing me.”
A twinkle of tiny blue stars erupts by the bar and I catch a glimpse of both Bruiser and Analise Johansson.
“Excuse me, ladies. I see a suspect and the cutest little baby goat you ever did see sipping out of her margarita.” I speed over to the bar where Bruiser is quick to greet me by leaping into the air and flying right through me in the process. A warm feeling rips through me, and for a second, I feel a touch light-headed.
“Analise?” I smile at the beautiful blonde made up to look like a supermodel tonight. Her lips are red as a fire engine, her fitted hot pink dress screams I’m available, and those pencil erasers glaring at me from her upper torso scream I’m not wearing a bra.
“It’s heeer,” Bruiser brays right into my ear, and I sneak a quick kiss to his velvet soft ear before landing in the seat next to Analise. “She’s been awfully lonely since Jenson leeeft.”
My mouth falls open as Analise looks my way.
“Oh, hey.” Her affect brightens. “You’re the girl with two handsome studs from the other night.”
“That’s me, Lottie.” I raise a finger and order a tonic water from the bartender. “How are you doing? Better, I hope.”
She glares at the exit of the establishment for a moment, and Bruiser takes a couple more licks out of her boozy looking drink.
“Better now.” She takes a deep breath. “Did you hear? Norman’s big end of life celebration is going to be a huge bash.”
I nod. “Debbie asked me to cater the desserts. Will you be there?”
“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss it. If I play my cards right, I might actually meet my next Mr. Right at the shindig. You should probably look your best, too, Lottie. Norman had a lot of wealthy men near him all the time.”
Bruiser bleats out something that sounds suspiciously like a laugh. “Gold diggger. Norman’s mother warned him he’d have plenty.”
And he did. Right up until the brutal end.
I make a face without meaning to. I can’t believe she just admitted to the fact she’ll be trolling for another victim at the funeral of her fiancé.
I clear my throat. “I’ll be sure to wear a nice dress.”
“And heels.” She spikes a finger in the air just as my drink arrives.
“Ask about Jensooon.” Bruiser turns and kicks his hind legs at her.
I tick my head to the door. “Did I just see Jenson leave?”
I didn’t, but she’s the last person who needs to know that.
Her clear blue eyes look straight up. “That you did. Jenson never knows when to leave me alone. He’s still head over heels with me. He really thinks I was after Norman just for his money. That, and he thinks it was some ploy to get back at him for cheating on me.”
“You dated Jenson?”
“Yup. That’s how I met Mr. P.” She gives a sly wink. “We went out a few times. That man—Norman really knew how to spoil me good—jewelry, vacations, shopping sprees to ritzy stores I could only dream about walking into, let alone shopping at. And the next thing I knew, he was proposing on a yacht in the middle of the Caribbean.”
“Sounds like a dream. Was it always smooth sailing?”
“Not really.” She blows a lock of blonde hair from her eyes. “But what relationship doesn’t have a hiccup now and again?” She downs the rest of her drink in a hurry.
“What kind of a hiccup?”
Her lids slit to nothing. “Okay, fine. But it doesn’t leave this room.” She gives a quick glance over her shoulder. “Let’s just say after a while, Norman insisted that I earn my jewelry, vacations, and shopping sprees the old-fashioned way.” She scowls at the bartender as if he morphed into Norman himself. “And then, when I tried to back out of the relationship, he grew into a monster. He said nobody left him at that altar. He started to make a really big deal about it, too. He said I’d need to live under his roof for two years at least. He didn’t want to be the laughingstock that had a beautiful young girl reject him.”
“That’s insane. Couldn’t you just leave the relationship? I mean, you could have stopped responding to his calls and messages, and just moved on with your life, right?”
She closes her eyes a moment. “You didn’t know Norman, did you? If he didn’t get what he wanted, he had a way of making people disappear.”
“Disappear?”
She gives a slow nod. “He’s been known to do it a time or two. Anyway, you won’t see me crying any crocodile tears. He left me a little nest egg. It’s not six figures, but I’ll stretch it for as long as I have to.”
Bruiser trots up close to her and lets out an ear-piercing scream.
“Ouch.” She grips her temple. “I just got a splitting headache.”
Bruiser snorts. “Nothing a little of Norman’s hard-earned money won’t cuuure.”
He’s probably right.
“Analise, what was Jenson doing here? Do you think he’s throwing out the feelers to see if you’re still interested?”
“Oh, yes. And believe me, I am, but I need to keep my options open. Jenson’s not made of money the way Mr. P was. But he would like a chance at another commitment with me. Let’s just say he has a lot of groveling to do before we get there.”
A scene from that infamous day at the Pemberley mansion comes back to me. Jenson tugging Analise by the elbow and they both looked angry. Maybe he was trying to get her to leave Norman?
“Analise? Did Jenson know about Mr. Pemberley’s threat?”
She gives another quick sweep of the vicinity. “Of course, he knew. His mother was put through the same ordeal. He swore he would help me out of it any way he could,” she says it dazed as she stares off to the dance floor.
“My God, you think he killed him.”
She shakes her head. “I never said that.”
Bruiser lets out a few hiccupping cries. “Jenson did it. He killed Normaaan.”
She certainly implied it.
“But you were pretty angry with him.” I shrug it off like it was no big deal.
“Yeah, but I’m not a good shot. Norman owns a firing range not too far from here, and I was a disaster at it.”
“Norman owned a firing range?”
“The man owned everything.”
A handsome man i
n a blue plaid shirt strolls by on his way to the dance floor.
“And that’s my mark.” She gives me a little wink. “I like to pick ’em out and see if I can end up with them for the night. It’s a fun little game I play. Keeps my spirits up, if you know what I mean.” She hops off the barstool and adjusts her hot pink dress, tugging it down just below her bottom. “See you at the old man’s sendoff!” She leans in. “Let me know when you decide to throw away one of those gorgeous men that was dripping off your arm the other night. I’ll gladly take your spare.”
“They’re not billionaires,” I say, almost amused. Almost.
“They don’t have to be for the night. Heck, for one of those heartbreakers, I might be willing to pull back on a shopping spree or two. I have a feeling they’re worth it.”
That they are.
I watch as she takes off, and I head back to the table where Keelie and Lainey are knocking back ice water.
Carlotta heads over. Her face is beet red, sweat dripping down her temples.
“All right, girls.” She helps Keelie up then Lainey. “We’re going to take it slow and easy. Time to make this place quake while we shake.”
Lainey scoffs as she links arms with me. “This place is going to quake, all right. If Keelie and I start stomping around, the roof might cave in.”
Carlotta barks out a laugh. “Now that’s a good time!”
Keelie latches onto my other arm. “I can’t believe I’m getting married, Lottie. Are you sure I’m doing the right thing? Maybe Bear and I are rushing things? Maybe I should postpone the wedding until after I have the baby? Or maybe I should wait until the baby turns eighteen? Or forty?”
“Keelie, you’re not even forty.” I try not to laugh at her premarital meltdown. “Believe me, you and Bear are meant for each other.”
Lainey nods. “You’re just getting cold feet. I thought about ditching my own wedding a few days before I trotted down the aisle. But it was just a case of the jitters. You’ll feel better once the whole thing is over. Just focus on the honeymoon. That’s what got me through it. What got you through all of your weddings, Lottie?”
Lainey and Keelie share a laugh.
“Very funny,” I say.
Meg comes up and so do Lily, Naomi, and Evie, and we all do our darnedest to follow the crowd as we boot scoot with the best of them. We line dance until we can’t feel our feet. And when we’re through, we head out into the cool night air, laughing so hard, we’re crying.
“Hot flash!” Carlotta gives a jovial shout as she whips off her shirt, tossing it into the air, and we all watch as it lands unceremoniously right onto the windshield of a deputy patrol vehicle driving on the other side of the road.
The entire lot of us bursts out laughing ten times harder than before.
“I have to pee!” Keelie squeals before waddling over and crouching near a tree as a dark puddle forms beneath her.
Evie screams and jumps, laughing hysterically as we all malfunction.
“Oh!” Lainey moans. “Me, too!” Sure enough, she’s standing in her very own puddle.
A sheriff’s deputy walks over with Carlotta’s shirt in hand, takes one look at Lainey and Keelie, at a partially clad Carlotta, and our night takes an entirely different turn as he calls for backup.
Chapter 17
It turns out, public nudity, public urination, and shrieking at the top of your lungs with laughter are all forms of a public nuisance.
Keelie and Naomi called their father, Sheriff Jack Turner, who thought the entire thing was hilarious but didn’t want to interfere with protocol, so I did the only thing I could do. I called Noah and Everett.
Both Noah and Everett drove down to Leeds and had a nice long chat with the brigade of officers among us that looked as if they were ready to take down both the Lazzaris and the Canellis.
“Ridiculous,” I say as we enter my rental house and I find Nell already on the couch cuddling with both Pancake and Waffles. “We were just a handful of girls—all sober, by the way. You would think they were breaking up the biggest crime ring in North America. What a waste of taxpayer dollars.”
Everett’s chest expands. “I think you were the best entertainment they’ve had in a good long while.”
Noah shrugs it off. “And they were all in the neighborhood. One of the best donut shops in Leeds was just around the corner.”
Evie moans, “That explains a lot. Also, would one of you guys run out and get me some donuts? That doesn’t sound like a half bad idea.” She plops down on the sofa next to Nell and scoops Waffles into her lap.
No sooner does Carlotta run into her bedroom than she comes out in a semi see-though baby doll dress, barefoot and barelegged, but hey, at least her top is on. You can’t win ’em all.
“I’m getting lucky tonight, Lot. Mayor Nash is on his way and I’m putting that fancy bed warmer to good use.”
I crane my neck past her and note that Evie is on her stomach fast asleep while both Pancake and Waffles prance over her back.
Nell has swooped her way by her daughter’s side and examines her from head to foot as if she’s witnessing an alien invasion.
“Carlotta, keep it down,” I hiss. “Evie is only fifteen. She doesn’t need to be let in on the fact you’re getting some action tonight.”
Carlotta huffs, “You should get some action yourself, Lot. You’ve been nothing but a big ball of killjoy all night long.” She glances to the ceiling. “Make that for the last year and a half I’ve known you. Pick one out and lock the bedroom door. On second thought, you might need both of these men to help you put a skip in your hip.”
“It’s a pep in your step,” I correct. “And I don’t need to sleep with a man to dial me into a better mood.”
Everett’s chest expands. “We could test the theory.”
Noah growls, “You know where I live, Lot.”
“See that?” Carlotta snaps her fingers. “You scored two invites just like that.”
Nell shakes her head. “Maybe this is a good time to have a heart-to-heart with the two of them.”
I quickly relay Nell’s words to Everett and Noah.
Carlotta smirks. “I second that. There’s no better time to have a heart-to-heart than when you’re having some skin-to-skin. I smell a good time afoot for the three of you.”
Everett sniffs. “I smell smoke.”
Noah’s eyes widen as he looks down the hall. “Fire.” He and Everett take off in that direction and their shoes hit a puddle about halfway to Carlotta’s room.
“Carlotta?” My voice hikes to unsafe levels. “Why is there a river coming from your bedroom?”
Evie startles back to life and hops in front of me. “Cool! Slip and slide!”
“Not cool,” I mutter as I run down the hall in an effort to decipher whether we’re going to burn or drown.
Everett comes out of Carlotta’s room with that brass looking tennis racket Carlotta picked up at the antique mall the other day.
“Oh no,” I say as Everett walks the charred piece from another—far more hazardous—era gone by out the front door. Noah opens the windows in Carlotta’s room and shuts the door behind him, coughing. “Carlotta?” My voice escalates as I head back to the living room. “You melted your waterbed with that bed warmer, didn’t you?”
Her face elongates, and I can tell she’s growing flustered because I’ve seen that same look on my own face when I’ve been caught red-handed.
“Carlotta,” Everett says her name sweet enough. “You could have burned the house down. What did you put in that warmer?”
Her lips twitch. “It said to put hot coals, but since we’re not in the Dark Ages anymore, I just tossed in a few tissue papers and lit them with a match.”
Nell’s entire aura lights up a peculiar shade of blue as she all but faints.
“Carlotta Sawyer”—Nell moans—“how many times must I tell you not to play with matches?”
“Or water,” I add as I dash to gather all the towels in the
house.
Everett pulls a mop out of the kitchen, and soon we have the Great Flood of Honey Hollow under control.
Evie takes the cats next door for a sleepover, and Everett kindly extends the invitation to Carlotta.
“Fine by me.” Carlotta pulls her phone out of her purse. “I’ll tell Harry I’ve been ordered to move to a second location by a legal authority.” She takes off before I can stop her.
“Everett.” I pull him in and land my face to his chest. “Here’s hoping she doesn’t come after your hardwood floors next.”
“Don’t worry, Lemon, but just in case, I’ll update my homeowner’s insurance policy in the morning.” He dots a kiss to the top of my head, and I blink up at him. His lids are hooded, and there’s a dark smile threatening to curve on his lips. “In the event you’re up for that sleepover, you know where to find me.”
My lips part as I look to Noah.
Noah takes a breath. “Actually, I was about to go over the case and order in some pizza. You’re both welcome to join me.”
Everett’s expression darkens once again. “Smooth.” He glances my way. “Go ahead, Lemon. Maybe you can solve the case for him tonight. I’ll keep an eye on Carlotta and maybe hide the candles.”
“Good thinking,” I say.
We part ways, and soon Noah and I are cozy on his sofa with a large pizza from Mangias that was delivered at lightning speed. Noah’s golden retriever, Toby, sits next to me, and every now and again I give him a piece of my pizza. He’s cute, and furry, and never leaves my side, especially when there’s pizza in the bounds. Nell floats near the fireplace. She’s glowing like a flame as she observes the two of us.
I pick up Noah’s hand so he can hear her.
“You look adorable together.” Nell sighs. “Have you told Noah the news yet?”
“What news?” He lands his pizza slice on the table as if bracing himself for something life-changing, like a baby or a commitment.
I shake my head over at the giddy ghost equally perplexed. “What news, Nell?”
“The thing about the soul mate,” she whispers as if she didn’t want to divulge the secret herself.
“Oh, right.” I slap Noah on the knee. “Turns out, you’re my soul mate.”
Murder in the Mix Boxed Set 8 Page 14
