Emma inspected all the drawers, checking out the utensils. “Doesn’t look like these get used much.”
“I’m not really much of a cook. Why do that in NYC?” You could order takeout from any place you wanted. Pick a type of cuisine, and you’d find hundreds of restaurants that catered to that very type, ready for you to order from.
Emma snorted. “My daughter loves my home-cooked meals.”
“You must’ve taken a lot of cooking classes, then.” Emma hadn’t been much into cooking when I’d last seen her.
“I did,” Emma snapped. “From my mom.”
Ah, well, okay then. I led her down the hall. “This would be your bedroom. It’s got its own bathroom and everything. Washer and dryer are in the hall closet.”
Emma looked around, folding her arms, but she nodded after a moment. “This will be plenty big enough for two.”
I gestured out the door. “That’s my home office.” I never used it, and maybe, if I’d been in a more generous mood, I could’ve suggested she turn it into the bedroom for her daughter, but… I wasn’t going to suggest that right now with how things were going.
Emma hummed. I jerked my thumb over my shoulder. “My bedroom’s at the other end of the hall. And last but not least…”
I showed her the dining room. “…in case you want a place for people to eat all those fancy home-cooked meals of yours.”
Emma frowned, but not like she was upset. More like she was thinking. Her eyebrows still got that little line between them when she was concentrating. I’d used to kiss that line when it appeared. My stomach flipped. “This apartment is basically a palace,” she noted. “By New York standards, anyway. Why is the rent so low?”
I shrugged. “I don’t see a reason to overcharge people.”
And I hadn’t looked up the average rents in the area. Sue me. But I wasn’t going to tell her that.
Emma eyed me up and down, like I was suggesting I’d eat her kid. “Why do you want a roommate, anyway? With a place like this, you clearly don’t need one. It’s not an issue of money.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Because I’m lonely felt like a lame answer in general but especially to Emma of all people. After I’d up and left, something she clearly resented, and now with her current attitude… I didn’t think she’d be all that warm and compassionate about it.
“I travel a lot for work,” I lied. “I don’t like the place to be left empty.”
Emma didn’t look like she believed me. I’d seen her turn that skeptical look, with her raised eyebrow and her slightly cocked head, on Vanessa and Lucas plenty of times. Usually when one of them was trying to complain to Emma about the other one. But she’d never turned it onto me. It reminded me yet again that whatever we’d once been to each other, we were now strangers. At least in Emma’s mind. She didn’t see us as close anymore.
“Well, that’s the grand tour,” I finished up, taking her back to the living room. Part of me wanted her to live with me. I missed Emma. She’d been the only girl I’d ever had feelings for, the only girl I could honestly say I’d fallen in love with. Having to leave her had been just as bad as having to leave Lucas (although, y’know, different, since I didn’t want to kiss my best friend). Having her in my life again was like a dream come true, a dream I hadn’t even dared to have.
But on the other hand—just these few minutes together had proven that times had changed. Emma was prickly towards me, distrustful. She had obviously taken my leaving hard and she didn’t seem inclined to give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that was fair of her, but it still fucking hurt.
Was it really a smart idea to suggest we live together? Was I making a huge mistake? Or was this a chance to change things and make them better?
6
Emma
I had no idea what to do now.
To be honest… part of me wanted to live with Parker, as stupid of an idea as it was. I missed him. He was the one man that I’d ever fallen in love with. Although he’d been barely a man at the time, just as I’d been barely a woman. God, I’d felt so grown up then, so old, and now just five years later I was seeing how young we’d both been.
But he’d been a good person. Still was, as far as I knew. He had made me laugh and made me feel comfortable. He’d respected me and cared about me. His jokes hadn’t been so bad. I could still remember them, and I had to stifle a smile. I had felt safe with him. Loved by him. There had been the exhilaration of it all but there’d also been a feeling that—I might have been falling, but he was catching me.
And then he fled, part of my mind whispered to me.
It was true. He had. And now I had his daughter.
What was I thinking? How could I bring my child, my darling girl, into the line of fire? If I brought her here, Parker could figure out that he was hers and then it would be an entire mess.
And yet—how would he know that Ally was his? Sure, there was the timing of her birth, but he didn’t have to know when her birthday was. And who was to say she hadn’t been born early? Or that I hadn’t had a fling with someone right after Parker had left? A… a rebound?
Lucas and Van would never tell on me. They were both angry with Parker for up and leaving. It was the one thing those two could ever agree on. Nobody besides the two of them knew who Ally’s father was. Oh, I was sure some people back home in Rehoboth could’ve guessed it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had. But we weren’t in Rehoboth. We were in New York City. It was safe.
And this apartment was perfect. The location was great, the space was more than I could’ve hoped for, and I loved the view. It could be a real home. I knew without a doubt that Ally and I would be comfortable here, sharing this space with a roommate. It was just who the roommate was that threw me off.
…but if he really did travel a lot…
Could I really be considering this? Was I crazy? But it was NYC—wouldn’t I be crazy to pass this up?
And Parker did say he traveled a lot. If he wouldn’t even be there all that often then… it would be fine, right? We wouldn’t even have to see each other very much. And at least with Parker—the better the devil you know, and all that.
I could never forgive Parker for abandoning me without a word. But he wasn’t a bad guy other than that. And now I was aware of his foibles, his flaws. I wouldn’t ever make the mistake of giving him my heart again or thinking that he would stick around for me that way, and besides that, he would be a good guy. He would be someone I could trust. Someone I could possibly leave Ally with if the need ever came to that, someone I knew would do his share of the housework and all that kind of thing.
Sure it was a risk, but was it any more of a risk than moving in with a stranger? I could trust Parker in all the ways that mattered. Just not with my heart. But I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. I had a good five years of resentment from his abandonment, built up like a wall around me. I was safe from that mistake.
I looked around the apartment. I could see my daughter being happy here. All this space, the wonderful view…
I looked back at Parker and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’ve been… snappy. I’m really nervous with the move. I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing. And it hurt. When you left. But we did always get along well. I’d really like to move in here with my daughter, if you would let me. I think it could work out.”
Parker considered me for a long moment. I could practically see the scales being weighed in his eyes as he thought about the options. I held my breath, worried. Had I scared him off with my behavior? I did feel a bit of anger was justified, but it wasn’t exactly going to endear me to him and get him to give me the space.
“And I’m good for the rent,” I added, quickly. I reached into my purse, my hair falling into my eyes. “I have here…”
I pulled out the piece of paper and looked up—and Parker’s fingertips grazed my cheek. I shivered at the touch, the sense-memory of it hitting me like a freight train dropped on my face.
He
tucked my hair behind my ear, a look of soft concentration on his face, and then Parker’s eyes went wide and he quickly took his hand back, like he’d only just realized what he was doing.
I swallowed, my throat dry. Maybe he had only just realized. Parker had—wow, I had forgotten how he’d used to do that. He would tuck my hair behind my ears all the time. It was always coming undone whenever I was doing something because I was lazy as all get out, and Parker would tuck it behind my ears. He’d usually follow it up with a soft kiss, too, either to my cheek or my lips, or once on my forehead.
He’d just… done that. Automatically. Without thinking about it.
Old habits died harder than I’d thought. Staring up at him, right into those bright blue-green eyes, I was reminded all over again like a thunderbolt just how handsome Parker was. He always had been, but the last five years had matured him, hardened out the last soft edges of him to take him fully from the last remnants of a boy to a man. I could feel a stirring in my gut—but it was nothing, I told myself sternly. It was just leftover from high school.
Parker was handsome, so what? It didn’t mean anything. I wasn’t going to fall for him again. Sex was one thing but I had my daughter to think about and I wasn’t going to complicate anything by sleeping with a hot guy that I happened to be living with—and who also happened to be my ex and the father of my child. Fuck that nonsense.
“Right.” Parker cleared his throat, still a little wide-eyed, like he was struggling with the memories as well. The fact that it was still automatic for him to do that…
I shook off those thoughts. No way. I was not thinking about this. “Is there a deposit?”
“No deposit, just monthly rent.”
Well, that was a stroke of luck. I’d been staying at a hotel in the meantime, and it was on the lower end of the scale but it was still eating up into my savings. “Great, thanks.”
“Are you sure?” Parker asked me. He sounded hesitant.
“Are you sure?” I countered, trying to keep my voice from being confrontational. I genuinely wanted to know if he was. If he wasn’t sure about this…
Parker gave me a long look, like he was mentally going through a list of all the pros and cons. I wondered if he was thinking about our past, the way that I was. “Yes,” he said at last. “I’m sure. I—I want to help you out, and you’re right, we were always good at getting along before. And honestly you’re the best candidate I’ve seen so far.”
“That makes me scared to ask about the other candidates you’ve seen.”
Parker winced. “You really don’t want to know.”
He dug into his pocket and pulled out a key, handing it to me. The heat that I felt as our fingers brushed made me want to run away, but it also made me want to lean in closer. Dammit. It had just been a while—five years, honestly—since I’d been with anyone, and Parker was the last guy I’d been with on top of that.
The only guy ever, to be honest, but I wasn’t even going to go down that rabbit hole.
“Anything I need to sign?” I asked.
“We can sign something if you want to, but it’s my name on the lease, so you should be good.” Parker smiled. “Um. Congratulations, I think? That makes it sound weird, never mind.”
I had to hold in a laugh. He had a horrible sense of humor and yet, somehow, it worked for me. I was such a sucker.
“Congratulations,” I said back to him instead. “You now have a roommate and don’t have to interview anymore crazy people.”
“Thank fuck for that.” Parker’s smile lingered, and I smiled back. I could do this. I could make this work, definitely. “When do you want to move in? My last roommate already left and took all his stuff so really, any time you want works for me.”
“Would tomorrow be too soon?” I blurted out. I wanted to stop having to pay for the hotel as soon as possible and get Ally into a proper home. Then I could stop worry about her so much and focus on my new job.
“Not at all, any time.” Parker paused. “And uh. Do I need to baby proof anything?”
“She’s four, Parker,” I pointed out, but then I saw the twinkle in his eyes and I realized he was joking. Dammit. Now I was smiling again.
Okay, so, getting along with Parker would be easier than I’d first thought. But not being attracted to him might be a little harder.
When I picked Ally up from daycare, she was less than thrilled about the idea of moving into a new home. “I like the hotel!”
“And why’s that, Ally?” I asked. “Don’t you want a home of your own?”
“But they have the best breakfast!”
Ally loved the continental breakfast at the hotel, where she could mix all the cereals together into one ‘super cereal’.
“We can do that at home too you know.” Since the rent was so low, I was sure that I could afford to get a few different kinds of cereal. So long as Ally ate fruit and other healthy things with it I didn’t mind her having some fun at breakfast. Having food in her stomach to face the day was the most important thing.
“You sure?”
“Promise, we just have to get the cereals from the store. We can even do it in a couple days after we move in.” I squeezed Ally’s hand as we walked through the streets back to the hotel. “You’ll have a big living room and a kitchen, and the view’s way up high in the sky.”
“And my own bedroom?” Ally asked.
I wasn’t sure about that. “We’ll see.” There was Parker’s office that he’d pointed out, but if he wasn’t really home a lot there was no reason for him to use it… but then again I couldn’t just ask to take over another room for Ally, could I?
“But it’ll be our place,” I told her. “And we’ll get all of your toys and things in there, and we’ll paint the bedroom, and you can have friends over. Does that sound fun?”
Ally nodded, swinging our arms back and forth. I took a deep breath. “And we’re going to have a new friend. He’ll be living with us, his name is Parker. He’s actually an old friend of Uncle Lucas and me. We haven’t seen him in a while but he’s going to be living with us now, and I think you two will get along.”
Ally had grown up with Lucas as basically her other parent, so she was comfortable around men. She had no reason not to be, and I trusted Parker. With this, anyway, if not my heart. I smiled down at my daughter. She deserved the world, and she was going to get it.
This was going to be all right.
7
Parker
I couldn’t sleep that night.
All day, all I could think about was Emma. Seeing her again. I’d thought about her in the intervening years but I had thought I’d gotten used to it. Now seeing her in person was bringing everything flooding back to me and I realized I hadn’t gotten a handle on my feelings for her nearly as well as I’d thought I had.
I’d tried meeting people while I was traveling the world. I mean hey, I was in Thailand and Germany and Venezuela and Alaska and South Africa, I was going to live it up. And I’d had a few one night stands, but not nearly as much as you would expect. Ash had actually laughed when I’d told him how few.
“What’s wrong with you, man, you got a girl back home?” he’d asked.
“Something like that,” I’d replied.
It had felt stupid, childish even, to be hung up over someone I’d had barely any time with, when I was twenty years old. It had been five years. I’d met women of all kinds, gorgeous women from all around the world. And yet. I hadn’t been able to get over it, so I just hadn’t thought about it as much as I could, and I’d tried to have a handle on it.
It’s fine, I would tell myself. You’re just nostalgic. Rehoboth was the only place that felt like home, and Emma was a part of that, so she reminds you of home. That’s why you’re so hung up on her.
But now she was here, in person. You’d think that seeing her in person would kill all nostalgia, and would show me that it was time to move on—that she was no longer the girl that I had been in love with. She had a kid, for
Christ’s sake.
And yet here we were. I was sunk. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and now it was the middle of the night and I was lying in bed like a lovestruck moron.
Of course, I’d been a lovestruck moron back then, too. I hadn’t honestly really thought too much about Emma as… a potential girlfriend. She had been my best friend’s sister, and besides, two years back then was a huge age difference. Even just one year could make someone feel like a child, or make you look at them like they were wise and adult. Everyone was growing so rapidly and changing, it was no fucking wonder.
But then I’d run into Emma while coming back late from a party, and everything had changed. She’d been heading to the old swimming hold behind the Johnson farm, and I’d been able to understand why. It had been fuckin’ hot out, driving everyone insane. It was why I’d left the party. The air had been way too stifling with everyone around me and I’d needed to take a break.
Lo and behold, there had been Emma, waltzing down the road without a care in the world, a pair of worn shorts and a thin cotton t-shirt showing off her curves in the glare of my headlights.
My throat had gone dry looking at her as I’d stopped the car. I could remember thinking that this was like the start of a film, and how she looked like a damn treat like this. I’d thought… wow, anyone could have stopped by and picked her up, and for some reason that thought had pissed me off. I’d felt protective of her, yeah, but also possessive in a way I never had before.
At the time I hadn’t been able to say what made me follow her to the pond and join her in the water. Looking back now, I could say that it was the beginnings of it all. Like I’d put on a pair of glasses after seeing the world blurrily all this time, and had gone, oh, there you are, you’ve been right in front of me this whole time.
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