“Excellent!” I told Ally, ruffling her hair. “Let’s get you into pajamas while Lucas and I set up the game and we’ll play a bit before bed.”
My heart was hammering as I walked into the living room to see Lucas and Parker chatting. Parker looked freshly showered as well and was wearing flannel pajama pants and a dark grey t-shirt. He looked… he looked good. And I knew, I knew, that he looked like that because of me. Because we’d had sex and so he’d had to go shower and change.
This was all going to be a lot harder than I’d thought, and not for the reasons I’d thought at all.
15
Parker
To say things had been fucking awkward between Emma and me since that night would be an understatement.
On the one hand, I could understand why she’d been upset afterwards. It had been risky to have sex right in the middle of the hallway like that, with Ally about to come home at any moment, whatever else was happening in our lives. That wasn’t a good idea.
But on the other hand—was it really so awful, the idea of her sleeping with me? Was I really that awful of a person to her now? I was confused and lost. Lucas had forgiven me once he understood the situation, but Emma didn’t seem nearly as charitable.
I had my theory, and I was still convinced that I was right about it—she wanted me, she was attracted to me, and she was angry with herself for it. Having sex only bolstered that theory.
What I didn’t know was how to fix this and how to help her move past that anger. We could be something… something again. Something great, maybe. And I understood, with a daughter to worry about, why she’d be hesitant. But God forbid she even talk to me about any of it. Emma just avoided me like a fucking ghost.
There was Lucas to worry about. I felt guilty about sleeping with Emma, if only because Lucas could’ve walked in. We’d just made up—we’d even exchanged phone numbers and were texting regularly now—but that would’ve all gone to shit if he’d walked in on me fucking his sister after I’d just up and left all those years ago. He’d kill me.
Was that it? Was Emma just worried about Lucas?
But no. If she’d been worried about him she never would’ve dated me in the first place. Neither of us had had any idea how Lucas would’ve reacted to the idea of us dating. He could’ve been furious. We didn’t know.
He might very well be furious now. Might feel like it was taking advantage of the fact that I was living with Emma, providing housing for her.
But fuck, nothing felt as good as Emma did. None of the very few women I’d been with in between had felt as good as her. I hadn’t craved any of them the way I’d craved Emma. I hadn’t wanted them like this, like fire in my blood, like a delirious desire that spiked a fever in me. How could I possibly resist her when everything about her was calling to me? I’d had another taste of her and I felt like a dying man in the desert who’d been offered a single drop of water and now craved the whole pitcher.
Emma felt the same way, I was sure of it. I saw her looking at me when she thought I couldn’t see her, heat and anger warring in her eyes. I knew what Emma looked like when she wanted someone, and I knew what she looked like when she was frustrated, and this was definitely both.
If only I knew how to talk to her about it. I’d known, once. But now I was at a loss.
At least things were going well with Ally. She had taken to me like a fish to water and honestly? I was loving getting to know her. I was pretty sure that she was missing her Aunt Van and Uncle Lucas and that was part of why she was so glad to have me around. From what Lucas had told me, Ally had grown up with all three adults doting on her. Not that she was spoiled or a brat, but she’d had constant attention.
“Someone was always holding her when she was a baby,” Lucas had explained. “We were all grieving the death of my parents and that made us extra touchy. We all kind of clung to Ally as this symbol of hope. This new life. And now it’s just her and her mom in this strange city so…”
I didn’t mind Ally being a bit clingy to me. I loved it. Some men might think, oh fuck I really am lonely, how pathetic that I’m spending all this time with a kid, but I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Kids were great, I’d always liked them, and Ally was a great one.
She was energetic, smart, and adorable. She was always eager to try new things—I’d take her out for food after daycare, since Emma was having to stay late at work a lot, and Ally always wanted to try something new.
“We have food here,” Emma would point out, but I’d always wave her off.
“Yeah, but I suck at cooking and I can afford to take her out, so why not? Don’t even worry about it.”
Ally loved it. We’d play board games, and I’d read to her. She was trying to learn how to read, and every night wanted to try using her favorite book, Goodnight Moon.
“A classic,” I’d assured her when she’d asked me for my opinion.
I had started reading to her as well, fantasy stories that I’d loved as a kid. She had the Andrew Lang fairy books, which were good, but I wanted to get her started on something more… epic than that.
The Hobbit, if you asked me, was perfect.
Lord of the Rings was my favorite fantasy story. I’d watched the extended editions of the film trilogy every year with Lucas when we’d been teenagers. It was our Thanksgiving tradition, actually, because we got a couple days off from school then. But that trilogy was a little old for Ally, and The Hobbit had been written by Tolkien specifically for his younger kids, and so I thought that was the best place to start.
She ate it up. She loved Bilbo and thought he was a lot like her—brave but also missing his home, and fond of food. I tried to do voices for the different characters, and she thought my Gandalf was especially funny. If an actual British person heard me they’d probably cringe at my horrible accent but Alley-Cat liked it, and that was all that mattered to me.
It made my chest feel warm, when she giggled at something I said, or when she fell asleep against my shoulder after I’d been reading to her. She was such a fucking cute kid. She’d meow whenever I called her Alley-Cat. Yeah, yeah, a four-year-old was my closest companion right now, but I couldn’t bring myself to really care. I was having a great time and so was Ally, and that was what mattered. It made me feel like I was finally a part of something again.
“I brushed my teeth!” Ally announced, joining me back in the living room.
“Good girl.” I grabbed The Hobbit up off the shelf. “Okay, if you’re really ready for bed, we can read.”
“I’m ready, I promise!”
“Okay, I’m trusting you.” Ally was in pajamas, she’d brushed her teeth, taken a bath… I didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t start on the reading.
I settled down on the couch, ready for Ally to climb up next to me—but instead she climbed into my lap, her back resting against my chest, her hair tickling my nose.
My heart felt like it stopped.
Ally was small—of course she was, she was a kid—but I hadn’t realized until just now how small she really was. She was always full of energy after all. It made her seem so much older and bigger than she really was.
But right now, she felt so fragile. Like a tiny soft kitten in my lap. This must’ve been what it felt like to hold her as a baby, I thought. When Ally was a newborn. I’d missed out on that, and it made me feel strangely bereft.
Yeah, sure, I didn’t have a right to care one way or another what parts of Ally’s life I’d been there for. But I found myself wishing I had been there when she was a baby.
“Parker?” Ally asked. She poked me. “You gonna read?”
“Of course, Alley-Cat.” I picked up the book and cleared my throat. “Now, where were we?”
I was conscious of her in my lap the entire time as I read. A warm, comforting, and yet so small weight. I wanted to curl closer around her, stroke her hair, cuddle her. The affection I felt was startling almost, overwhelming me. I cared about this little girl, more than I could say. And the
trust that I could feel her putting in me…
Usually Ally was able to stay awake a lot better, but today she was falling asleep against my chest almost immediately, her head heavy against my wildly beating heart. She was so fucking cute and soft. I wanted to press a kiss to the top of her little head.
Closing the book carefully, I marked the same place as before—I was pretty damn sure she hadn’t heard a word I’d read tonight, and I didn’t want her to miss out on anything.
Emma entered, looking a bit frazzled. She always came home from work at around the same time but she would then be working in her bedroom, or in my office (I rarely used it so it wasn’t a problem to me) so she might as well have still been at the office for all that she was aware of anything else.
She froze when she saw us sitting there, Ally curled up in my lap, asleep.
I waved. “Hey,” I whispered. “She was extra tired today.”
“I’m sorry I was working so late, I—”
“Hey, no, don’t worry about it.” I shook my head. “It’s a new job, you’re adjusting to the schedule. Trying to prove yourself. It’s all okay. I’m happy to spend time with her.”
Emma looked a bit startled, then smiled, her cheeks going pink. My heart flipped. This was the Emma I knew, the one that I could make smile and blush. The one that let herself be soft. I wish that I could see more of that side of her.
“I’ll put her to bed,” Emma told me, walking over.
I helped lift Ally up into Emma’s arms. She started a little, mumbling, and then seemed to realized subconsciously that it was her mom holding her, and settled back down into sleep, her head on Emma’s shoulder.
Fuck, that was so fucking adorable.
“Thank you,” Emma whispered, gently rubbing Ally’s back. “For… reading to her and all that.”
I was pretty sure this was an olive branch, and I was happy to take it. “Of course. I love spending time with her. She’s a good kid.”
Emma smiled at me again, a little tentative and shy, and then carried Ally into the bedroom—to put her to sleep in the adorable little bed that I’d put together before, when I’d been helping them set up their furniture.
I felt a little bad about Emma having to share a bedroom with her daughter. I’d offer the office, but, Emma used that for her work. It would be nice for Emma to have her own bedroom, same with Ally, especially as Ally got older…
Fuck’s sake. I was thinking about it like they were going to be here for years. That wasn’t likely. Emma was going to want her own, proper place at some point, probably when she got a raise and settled better into her work routine. There was no use in getting so attached… was there?
I left Emma to tend to her daughter. I doubted she’d want to be disturbed, especially by me. Getting ready for bed seemed like the best option.
As I was just climbing into bed, my phone started ringing. Who would be calling at… Ash!
I dove for my phone and answered it, the screen filling with Ash’s face. “Dude! It’s been forever!”
“It’s been a couple of weeks,” Ash replied, grinning. “Miss me that much?”
“You know it.” I grinned back and settled into bed, making myself comfortable. “So, how’s life treating you in Vietnam?”
“Fantastic.” Ash started telling me all about his new job and new place to live, the people he was meeting. That was Ash for you. He wasn’t a party guy but he found a way to meet people and make friends no matter where he was.
He showed me around with the phone camera. “I’m in Hanoi, at this café in the Old Quarter. Fuckin’ fantastic, right?”
“Dude, it looks amazing. I’m happy for you.”
“I come down here every day to get something to eat, the café owners are starting to recognize me.”
“Of course they are.”
“But enough about me, seriously, Parker, how’s it going?”
I sighed. “Uh… it’s been interesting.”
I told him everything, about how I’d used to know Emma, about how rocky things had been. “I feel like every time I take a step forward, then I’m taking two steps back. Or I end up taking a step sideways by accident. Like tonight. Ally just tugs at my heart, man. And I felt like I was a part of something. And then Emma took her into their bedroom and closed the door and now… I feel shut out again.”
“Sounds to me like you need a family,” Ash noted.
I stared at him. “What?”
“Think about it.” Ash pulled the phone a little closer to him, like he wanted to try and make this as intimate as possible even though we were thousands of miles away. “You were always lonely even when it was just the two of us. You felt like there was something missing. And don’t give me those puppy dog eyes, dude, I know that you care about me and we’re friends.
“But your dad was shit and you lost your mom and you’d moved away from your home town, and then you were traveling. And then it was just me. And you’re my best friend and you always will be but it’s not the same thing as having a big family around you. And yeah, you can’t get your parents back. Which sucks. But you can build another kind of family. You can have siblings, significant others, kids. You can have a pack, like a wolf.”
“Oh my God are you getting into this mysticism shit…”
“Be serious. A wolf pack isn’t just made up of blood. Right? Family isn’t just blood, Parker. And we tend to think of family just in that blood relative kind of way but family’s about choice, too, it’s about relationships and the work that you put into it. I think that you need that. A proper family. And I think maybe Emma and her kid are a real chance for you to get that.”
“I’m not sure, Ash. I think you’re right about the family thing—” It made sense. “—but I don’t know about Emma. She’s hot and cold at me, and more cold than hot, definitely. I feel like she’s fighting against any chance for us to get close.”
“You gotta be patient. Remember you were gone for five years. And yeah you’re really into being friends with her kid right now but what if you change your mind? What if you get bored or tired with Ally?”
“I wouldn’t!” I protested, anger curling in my chest at the very idea. I wouldn’t do Ally dirty like that.
“Yeah but Emma doesn’t know that. You up and left once. She’s got a kid to consider. The last thing any parent wants is for their kid’s heart to be broken. That’s what my mom was always saying to me.” Ash shrugged. “So she’s cautious and that’s okay. If you really want them in your lives, you’ll be patient. And for what it’s worth I think that you should be. I think that this’ll be really good for you.”
“Are you sure?”
“What do your instincts tell you? What’s your gut say?”
“…that I want to be with them,” I admitted. “That I want them back in my lives. I’ve missed them.”
“Then trust that.”
I sure hoped that Ash was right.
16
Emma
There was so much work to do, still, and it was hard for me to not become overwhelmed. I never thought I would say this, and I had no intention of telling it to him, but thank God for Parker. He was being there for Ally when I couldn’t be. I felt so guilty about not being there every day for my little girl, constantly, the way that I had been before this job. But it wouldn’t last forever—or so I kept telling myself.
This was my first couple of weeks on the job. I had to prove myself and get used to the rhythm. I wanted to prove myself and do well. Once I did that, once I settled, I could take on less work and be more relaxed, and spend time with my daughter again. And we did still get the weekends together, and our walk to and from her daycare. It was going to be okay.
“Impressive.”
I jumped a mile as the familiar voice spoke over my shoulder. Shit! I’d had no idea someone was walking up behind me.
Trying not to show how startled I’d been, I spun around in my desk chair. Nolan, the CEO, was standing right behind me, smiling. “The amou
nt of work you’ve been turning out is fantastic.”
He really was handsome. I had to admit that. Not as handsome as Parker, part of my mind whispered.
I shoved that stupid part of me aside. I wasn’t going to think about that.
“Thank you,” I replied. “I want to do good work here.”
“No, no, thank you.” Nolan’s smile widened. “Listen, I have an important meeting with a big client tomorrow morning and I wanted to go over some of the materials you’ve prepped.”
“Of course.” I glanced over at the clock. 4:50pm, I had to leave soon to pick up Ally. “I’d be happy to come in early if you’d like.”
Nolan’s smile faltered a little. “I’d like to go over things tonight instead.”
“That’s great, but I have to pick up my daughter from daycare,” I reminded him. I couldn’t inconvenience the daycare workers and I would never just abandon Ally.
Nolan shifted his weight, looking less than pleased. Damn it. I wanted to impress in this job and do well. And I was still a newbie here. It would be easy for them to kick me to the curb if they didn’t like me. It would be best if I stayed on Nolan’s good side.
I took a deep breath. “Let me see if I can make other arrangements. I just have to make a phone call.”
Nolan nodded. “Stop by my office afterwards.”
He left and I practically dove for my cell phone. I didn’t really know anyone in the city besides my coworkers, and while I liked them, I didn’t know any of them well enough to ask them to pick up my daughter. That only left one option.
Parker picked up on the first ring. “Hey, everything okay?”
He must’ve realized that I would only call him if it was an emergency of some kind. I wasn’t sure what that said about me, or our relationship, but I couldn’t really think about that right now. “Could I ask for a huge favor?”
“Name it.”
“I need you to pick Ally up from her daycare and get her dinner. I’m sorry to ask this of you, I know you probably have work and I usually get her and bring her home, but my boss asked me to work late.”
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