by H. M. Ward
Page 8
“What are you thinking about?” he asks.
“The other night, when you picked me up in front my parents’ house, I wanted to ask you something. It’s bothering me, because I don’t really remember. I was kind of out of it. ”
He nods and looks up at me. Marty is wearing clear goggles. He pulls them off. His gaze lifts and he looks over my shoulder at the girl working alone and then back at me. “What do you want to know?”
I lean in and lower my voice, knowing that it’ll sound wrong if I’m overheard. “Did you sleep with me? I mean, you were in the bed with me?” Marty’s eyes lock with mine. My stomach dips and goose bumps cover my arms and tickle the back of my neck. I swallow hard, trying to force that feeling back down. Ignoring it, I blink like I inhaled too many lab chemicals and smile at him. “It’s the only night I didn’t dream…well, have nightmares. I was wondering why. ”
Marty nods slowly. “I slept next to you. ” He turns to the table and puts his goggles back on. He flexes his fingers before grabbing a beaker and pours a clear liquid inside. I jot down how much. He doesn’t look at me. “You started whimpering after you fell asleep. When I touched you it stopped. ”
“So you held me all night?”
He doesn’t look at me. “Something like that. ”
I want him to look at me. Something’s going on with him. Friends don’t act this way. Mel would have woken me up. Marty’s shoulders are so tense. I touch his arm gently. He fumbles the beaker and drops it. The contents spill on the counter as the beaker rolls in a circle. He swears and darts across the room for paper towels. The cabinet where they are supposed to be is empty. “I’ll be right back. ”
I sit back down on my stool and stare at the spill.
The girl behind me clears her throat. I turn and look at her. “He’s into you, you know. ”
I smile at her and shake my head. “Nah, he’s into guys. ”
She smirks and looks down at her worksheet. She measures and writes the answer before saying, “That may be, but he’s totally into you, too. He’s always looking at you like you’re too good to be true. It’s the puppy love face. He’s got it bad. ”
She’s crazy. I laugh and feel really uncomfortable. “He does not. ”
“Well, don’t say you didn’t know when he makes a move on you. If you shoot him down, it’ll crush him. And from the looks of it, you guys are friends. He probably doesn’t want to screw things up. ”
I start to say something but Marty walks in with a roll of paper towels. The girl said what I already know, but I still can’t believe it. I can’t see it. I can’t picture Marty pining over me. I can’t picture him kissing me or anything else, either. It’s too weird.
After he cleans everything up, he says, “So, you working this weekend?”
It seems cruel to tell him. I mean, if he likes me hearing all this has got to be killing him. “Marty?”
He looks up. “Yeah?”
I almost say it. I almost ask, but I can’t. I don’t want to lose him. I couldn’t handle it. I smile and lower my gaze. “Yeah, I’m working, but I wish I wasn’t. ”
Marty gives a weak smile and goes back to work. We finish the assignment in silence. After we put everything away and leave the lab, Marty walks next to me. My heart is beating too fast. My palms are slick and hot. I grip my books tighter and hold them against me. The sky is gray, like it might snow again.
Marty stops. He reaches out and takes my elbow so I turn to him. The sun is weak and the air is cold. It’ll be night soon. “I need to tell you something. ”
If I didn’t feel squeamish before, I do now. I don’t want him to say it. I have no idea what to do if he does. “Oh?” My mind is reeling, trying to backpedal out of this mess. I glance around frantically, looking for anyone walking by that I might know.
“Yeah, it’s important. ” I glance up at him. Looking into his eyes, I silently plead Don’t do it…Don’t, don’t, don’t. He breaks my gaze and looks down at the ground between us. “Every time I go to say it, something happens, but I have to tell you. I need for you to know. ”
No, no, no!
“Avery, I’m not gay. ”
I expected him to say he had feelings for me, that he’s madly in love with me or something like that. I stare at him slack-jawed. “What?”
He won’t look at me. “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way—”
“What are you talking about?”
His brown eyes flick up and meet mine. “When I first met you, you were kind of intense. Every guy that tried to get near you…” He makes an aggravated sound in the back of his throat and runs his fingers through his hair, tugging hard. “No one could get near you. When you assumed I was gay, I didn’t correct you. ”
I start laughing. “You’re really funny. There’s no way in hell you would have pretended to be gay to be friends with me. ” I punch his arm lightly and smile at him, like this is all a big joke, but Marty doesn’t smile back.
“Actually, that’s exactly what I did. ” Marty is looking at his shoe. He flicks his eyes up for half a second and what I see sends a chill down my spine.
I step away from him, shaking my head. “You wouldn’t lie to me, not like that—not about that. ”
Marty steps towards me and hesitates. “I wanted to know you. I heard you talking to Mel and saw you around and—”
“You lied to me?”
“I never said I was gay. ” The worry in his eyes kills me, but I can’t believe he did this. I can’t fathom why he kept this charade going for all this time. Everyone thinks he’s gay. The depth of the deceit is unfathomable.
“But you lied to me. You let me think it. You didn’t say Hey, I’m straight and correct me. Damn it, Marty!” Anger bursts through my veins. I pump my fists at my sides, trying to reign in my temper. I don’t want to lose him, but this is unacceptable. He’s been lying to me. He’s seen me and held me in ways he shouldn’t have.
“How could you!” I rush at him and slam my palms into his chest. “How could lie to me!”
I do it again. Marty won’t look at me, but all the people walking across the quad stop to watch. When I push him a third time, he snaps out of it. Marty grabs my wrists and blocks me. He pushes me away. “I was lonely like you, okay. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but you’re not the only one alone here, Avery. We got along, you made me laugh, and I thought you liked to have me around. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Every time I tried, something came up. I didn’t mean to mislead you. It was never supposed to get like this. ”
“Like what? Like one of my best friends stabbed me in the back? Like one of my best friends has been lying to me all this time. Damn it Marty! What am I supposed to do with this?”
“There’s something else. ”
I hold up my index finger and shake it back and forth in front of his face. “Don’t say it. Never say it. ”
He looks down at me. “There’s only one way forward. I have to tell you—”
“Don’t say it—”
“I love you. ” I make a crazy sound and spin around and stomp my foot. Marty follows me, explaining, “I’m madly in love with my best friend. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. I watch you in silence. I say nothing, but I can’t do it anymore. You like these guys who don’t give a shit about you. You’re making a mistake. ”
Hysterical laughter bubbles up my throat. “I’m making a mistake? Me? Really, that’s how you want to play this. ” I want to say more, but I can’t. I can’t burn this bridge. Tears sting my eyes. I can’t let it go. “What did you think would happen when I found out? Did you think I’d just overlook it? That was one of the biggest secrets you had and you told me. I told you things about me because of that. I let you in because you trusted me with your fake fucking secret. ”
I press my eyes closed and suck in a slow breath. When I look up, Marty is watching me. He looks terrified, but I can’t help him. I c
an’t gloss over it like nothing happened. My fists tighten at my sides. I know how this will end. I’m an idiot. All my friends lied to me. They let me believe whatever I wanted. I didn’t know them at all.
I’ve been quiet too long. The crowd watching us disperses. Marty finally speaks. “Avery, say something. ”
Grief weighs heavily on me, crushing my shoulders and souring my stomach. “There’s nothing to say. ” I walk away without another word. Marty stands in the quad with his hands at his sides. He doesn’t follow. He doesn’t beg for my forgiveness.
CHAPTER 10
By the time I’m back at the dorm, I’m fuming. I can’t believe Marty lied to me this whole time. I’m not really watching where I’m going smack into someone’s shoulder. I glance up and see Mel swallow back down the sharp words that were about to blast into me for bumping her.
“Sorry. I’m kind of—” I don’t know what I am. I stop talking and fold my arms over my chest. “Where are you off to?”
“Wrong question. Where am I coming back from? And the answer is Black’s. And she told me some twisted shit, so let’s chat. ” Mel jerks her head to the side and I turn back and follow her to her room.
“What twisted stuff was she saying about me?” I ask as I slump into Mel’s perfectly pink chair. I steeple my fingers and arch an eyebrow at her.
Mel laughs and sits on the edge of her bed. “She said that you’re pulling a double this weekend, as in two guys. Is that true?”
“Well, yeah, but not at the same time. ” My mind goes back to that list at Miss Black’s. I said I’d do anything. I didn’t even look to see if a ménage à trois was on there. It probably is. My eyes flick up to Mel’s.
