by Marian Keyes
‘It totally was.’
‘Listen up, Paige. Jessie’s trouble. Her fetish for having everyone together, she doesn’t mind exaggerating to get what she wants.’
Paige sighed. ‘I am so glad I’m no longer married to you.’
‘Back atcha.’
‘Why didn’t you tell the girls?’
‘Because it was a bad idea. You wouldn’t have come, right? Without you, those two kids are, well, they’re basically pathetic. Hey!’ He spoke over her protests. ‘No judgement –’
‘No judgement?!’
‘They’d have been scared and shy. Am I right? By the end of day one, they’d have been begging to go home to you.’
‘They would have been with their cousins. They love them. And you know what breaks my heart? They love you too. Spending a week with all of you guys in that villa, they’d have been over the moon. But you’re too selfish to let that happen.’
‘I wanted them here, hundred per cent. I miss them like crazy. But I knew they couldn’t hack it. Better to shut the whole thing down before you paid for plane tickets.’
‘So nice to hear that you miss them. Because they’re coming to you for Christmas.’
‘… For how long?’
‘Four days. Maybe a week. I’ll talk with Jessie.’
‘Paige, no.’ He couldn’t have that. ‘You need to discuss this with me. I’m their dad.’
‘So act like it.’ She hung up.
He was furious with embarrassment, snared in a lie and affronted that Paige and Jessie had talked behind his back about his kids.
Keeping his separate worlds entirely compartmentalized mattered. A medium-sized collision had just happened and he didn’t like it.
Nell really did not need to find out about this.
This fucking family! Why did they have to be so enmeshed?
The situation with Jessie needed to be made right. An abject apology often went down well … but attack was usually the best form of defence.
He rang Jessie. ‘I hear you were talking to Paige.’
‘Oh!’ She sounded shocked. ‘Um. Yes. In Italy. The bunnies missed their cousins.’
‘Look, Jessie. Couple of things. Paige was married to me. Her kids are my kids. My relationship with her is much more important than your relationship with her. You get me?’
A squeak of dissent escaped her. ‘She’s my friend – we’re friends. We have a relationship –’
‘Second.’ He spoke over her. ‘You got one version of things from Paige. But that wasn’t the full picture. It’s much more complex.’
After a pause, her confusion almost audible, she asked, ‘What is the full picture?’
‘All due respect, Jessie, that’s none of your business.’
That shut her up.
‘Two sides to every story, Jessie. Remember that. Nell obviously knows the whole story.’ He wanted that to have impact. Leave Nell out of this. ‘There’s no need for this to become a thing. Like, you’re cool, Jessie. But maybe butt out of situations that you don’t know enough about. Okay, gotta go.’
He cut the call. That should stop her shopping him to every single person in the family. Particularly Nell. Things had been choppy enough lately: they didn’t need another situation.
After Liam had hung up on her, Jessie sat in silence for at least sixty seconds. She realized she was shaking. Yet, for all Liam’s self-righteous conviction, she still believed Paige’s version. As for Nell, did she really know this maybe-true-maybe-not ‘whole story’? Hard to say. Was there even such a thing as ‘the whole story’?
Maybe Liam was telling the truth.
Even if he was lying, his relationship with Paige was more important than hers.
Besides, Liam was the one who lived in Ireland, not Paige. Liam was the one she had to see at least once a month.
You choose your battles.
But Johnny needed to know. It was difficult, being caught in a situation between her husband and his brother, but she’d created it by interfering. Did it matter that her motivations had been good?
‘Johnny?’ She ran down the stairs. ‘Need to talk to you.’
His face went white. ‘What?’
Taking care to avoid judgement, she laid it out dispassionately. ‘Liam is right,’ she insisted. ‘I shouldn’t have got involved. But Liam and me, we’re good now.’ Well, they weren’t exactly best friends, but it would be okay, in time.
‘Okay,’ Johnny said.
‘Are you upset?’
‘No. I mean, Liam’s a bit of a … But. It’s all grand.’
‘So?’ Peggy said. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m –’ Cara got no further before she was overtaken by a storm of tears. She cried and cried, ripping tissues from the box and pressing them to her drenched face. ‘Sorry.’ Her voice was thick. ‘I just –’ A fresh bout shook her.
Whenever she thought it had run its course, it began again. It was hard to believe she had so many tears in her.
After several minutes, Peggy asked sympathetically, ‘Why are you crying, Cara?’
‘Work,’ she choked out. ‘They’re watching me. The whole time.’
All week, Raoul, Patience or Henry had hung around Reception, under some flimsy pretext or other, but in reality assessing her. Watching and wondering.
‘The way they look at me!’ This made her cry even harder. ‘Like in the movies, when a person is a traitor or a – a – double-agent. And a person on the inside suspects. That’s how they look at me now. Like I’m a traitor.’
‘And this makes you feel …?’
‘Heartbroken. I’m – I’m grieving, for the trust they once had in me.’
‘You’re no longer numb?’
‘I’ve too many feelings now. You know what they made me do all week? Shadow Vihaan! I trained him and he’s as embarrassed as me.’
‘How are you getting on with the other receptionists?’
She tore another tissue from the box. They must have talked about her, wondering where she’d been during those missing weeks, but no one had asked and she didn’t know how to tell them. ‘All those unspoken questions and explanations … It’s so awkward. And I’ve become so bubbly! I’m adding a gazillion invisible exclamation marks to every sentence so I’m all “No problem!!!” this and “No problem!!!” that and it’s exhausting.’
EIGHTY-TWO
When the front door slammed, letting her know that Liam had left the apartment, Nell exhaled shakily. Being with him was excruciating. Since that last morning in Italy – only six days ago, although it felt like a lifetime – her head had been a war zone.
Two separate, terrible things had happened. Terrible thing one: Liam – her husband, the man she was meant to love – she suddenly couldn’t stand him. He had a mean streak a mile wide and every bad thing in his life was someone else’s fault.
It had been the weekend in Mayo that had broken them apart, she admitted to herself. What he’d done to Sammie had been so insulting that, even though Nell had tried to condense it into something small enough to hide from herself, it wouldn’t disappear. The spite on his face that night haunted her. Even though he’d been drunk and upset, it felt as if she’d seen the real Liam.
Even before Mayo, he’d been weird. In the fancy hotel at Easter, he had made ‘jokey’ comments about how much she drank, or how gross her second-hand clothes were. And it had been downhill from there.
The second terrible thing was, she’d got a thing for Ferdia. More than a thing. Borderline obsession.
Ferdia, a kid. Her nephew. Sort of. Even if he was actually only a step-nephew by marriage.
She took her iPad and googled ‘Inappropriate Relationships’. Several stories popped up.
My husband made a pass at my daughter.
My husband had an affair with my son’s wife.
Nell scrolled past these.
I’m in love with my stepson.
This one. She clicked the link and devoured the details.
The woman in the p
iece was thirteen years older than her stepson. Nell was less than nine years older than Ferdia, so this woman was worse than Nell.
The stepson was eighteen, Ferdia was nearly four years older and four years was a lot at that age.
Whenever the age difference she read about was bigger than the one between Ferdia and her, she felt like less of a pervert … Nine years, though.
Next Friday was his birthday and he’d be twenty-two, so then she’d only be eight years older than him.
But playing those games was bullshit. She knew that. She just wanted to pretend for a while.
The only thing keeping her from totally losing her mind was her job. The day after they’d got back from Italy, she’d gone in and worked for thirteen hours straight. Every day since, same. As a project, it was not easy. But when she was engrossed in trying to work things out on set, she wasn’t beating herself up for being a terrible person.
Plus, double bonus, it was keeping her out of Liam’s way.
When, though, had this crazy crush on Ferdia started? Because, for the longest time, she’d just thought he was a spoilt fool. Was it in Mayo that she’d first felt weird about him? Just after Liam had blown bubbles in Sammie’s face? Ferdia, like some hot romantic lead, had been holding Sammie in his arms, murmuring soothing, tender words into her hair – and Nell definitely remembered feeling a pang then.
Then, jump to that crazy murder-mystery country house when Ferdia had been so great about helping Cara. Between the two of them, they’d maybe saved Cara’s life. That had to be a pretty intense bonding experience.
It must have been then that she’d decided he was sound.
But the wheels had come off good and proper during the sun-filled week in Tuscany.
Even then, she’d thought, objectively, he was hot but fancy him? No way.
It wasn’t until that last day when, in a single heartbeat, he’d shifted from being a kid she was fond of to a man she was lit for. Her fingertips literally throbbed from needing to touch his face. She wanted to taste his beautiful body with her tongue, to kiss him full on the mouth, for the palms of his hands to slide along her skin and for his voice to say her name again and again.
Stunned was how she’d felt: confused, ashamed, afraid. It had been the literal worst.
Saying goodbye at the luggage belt, she was so scared she’d lunge and start eating the face off him that she couldn’t even look him in the eye.
What she needed to remember was that these feelings couldn’t be real.
Sure, they felt real, but they totally, absolutely, weren’t.
FOUR WEEKS AGO
* * *
FRIDAY, 11 SEPTEMBER
Ferdia’s birthday
EIGHTY-THREE
‘Jessie?’
‘Mmm?’ She was trying to jam another bottle of beer inside the door of the fridge.
‘Is Barty coming today?’
‘What?’ Concerned, Jessie switched her attention from the beer to her husband. ‘No, babes. They still haven’t made up.’
‘But it’s Ferd’s birthday.’ Johnny looked woebegone.
Helplessly she gazed at him. Since they’d come back from Italy – almost from the very moment they’d landed at Dublin airport – all their recent closeness had just vanished.
‘Sweetie.’ She kept her voice gentle. ‘Are you all right?’
‘I’m grand. All grand.’
He obviously wasn’t grand. He was morose, maybe even depressed. But Johnny didn’t talk about stuff. He could be contemplating jumping off a bridge – sitting on a girder, staring down into the choppy water! – and he’d still be insisting he was fine.
‘Johnny,’ she said tentatively. ‘You can tell me anything. I’m your friend.’
‘Yeah,’ he said, sounding vague. ‘I know.’
‘I’d do anything for you.’
That wasn’t exactly true. She’d implied that she’d ‘think about’ changing their business model and she hadn’t.
Okay. She was scared about making changes, but the time had come. She hadn’t a notion, though, where to start. However, her friend Mary-Laine, who knew more about running a business than Jessie ever would, could probably advise her.
No time like the present. She grabbed her phone. ‘M-L? Howya, missus, meet me for a drink after work on Monday? Quick chat about business stuff.’
‘Okay. That wanky new bar in Smithfield?’
‘Oh, God. We’re too old, they’ll laugh at us.’
Mary-Laine remained silent. Mary-Laine wanted to go to that bar and Mary-Laine never blinked first.
‘Oh, all right.’ Jessie said. ‘Six thirty?’
‘See you then.’
‘Sorry I’m late.’ Cara sat down opposite Peggy. ‘Sorry.’
Peggy’s face was pleasant but quizzical. After a period of quiet had elapsed, she said, ‘Is there a reason? For you being nearly fifteen minutes late?’
‘Getting away from work wasn’t easy, then across town through Friday rush-hour, you know how it is.’
But no one had prevented her from leaving work on time. She hadn’t wanted to come here today, that was all.
Peggy was eyeing her with interest. ‘How are you, Cara?’
‘Fine.’
‘What sort of fine?’
‘Oh, you know. Just fine. Good.’
The thing was, during the week she’d realized she couldn’t do this any more – be the woman with the mortifying illness. She’d already lost far too much from this whole debacle. She wanted her life to return to the way it used to be – cutting ties with this hospital and stopping seeing Peggy. And after enough time had passed, nearly everyone would forget this blip had ever happened.
‘How was work this week?’ Peggy asked.
‘Good. Fine.’
‘Last week you felt sad and angry because you felt they no longer trusted you.’
‘This week’s been a lot better.’
It hadn’t. The humiliation of shadowing Vihaan had stopped but there was still a mood: horrific levels of perkiness from both her and the other receptionists as they tried to obscure the strange fact that she’d disappeared for over a month with a mystery illness.
She was still being watched by Raoul, Henry and Patience. Whatever they’d been hoping for from Cara, they clearly hadn’t seen it yet. Which had become manifestly clear yesterday.
The Spauldings were the couple from Hell. Before her sick leave, Cara had been the only one trusted to wrangle them. Admittedly, she’d been nervous as the time of their arrival approached. This was the first real challenge she’d faced since her return to work, and if they were particularly mean, she couldn’t be sure how she’d cope.
Standing at the front desk, with their iPad and keys, she discreetly did one of her breathing exercises, to try to calm down, before their arrival.
In for four, out for seven, in for four, ou–
Raoul appeared, followed by Madelyn. ‘Who has the Spaulding keys?’
‘Here.’
‘So.’ Raoul picked them up, along with the iPad, and gave them to Madelyn. ‘Keep smiling. Say yes to everything. Off you go.’
Vihaan’s head jerked around to stare, Ling gasped and Zachery’s eyes bulged with amazement.
It seemed to happen in slow motion and Cara felt her face freeze with shock. Madelyn avoided looking at her, but it was clear she was embarrassed.
Trying to calm her breath, which was quick and shallow in her chest, Cara realized she’d never actually been told that the Spaulding check-in was hers. But because it had always been her job in the past, she’d assumed it still was. The humiliation was almost enough to crush her. That was the moment when she’d decided that this had gone far enough.
Peggy was watching her with the same intent focus. ‘That’s a big change between last week and this week.’
Cara smiled. ‘All back to normal.’
‘How’s your eating plan?’
Cara sat up straighter, on much more solid ground. ‘Good. Like,
great. Seriously, it’s seven weeks since the, um … seizure and I’ve stuck to the plan. I don’t even want chocolate or sweets! I’m finding it really easy.’
So easy that the conviction there was nothing wrong with her had strengthened. If she was really a compulsive overeater, surely she’d never have lasted that long.
‘You might need to keep an eye on that,’ Peggy said. ‘You wouldn’t want to get complacent.’
‘I’m not complacent,’ she said. ‘I’m saying your plan works.’
Peggy shook her head. ‘What you’re trying to say is that there’s nothing wrong with you.’
I don’t think there is.
‘Nobody wants that stigma,’ Peggy said.
‘You’re right.’
But by now she was almost convinced she hadn’t an eating disorder and it felt dishonest to be a patient of this hospital.
‘How are you and Ed?’ Peggy asked.
Cara flinched. It was impossible to put it into words. Sometimes she was angry with him for setting this whole circus in motion. Mostly, though, they couldn’t seem to connect in their old, effortless way. They were trying to communicate but it was as if they were both sealed inside individual sound-proofed bubbles.
‘Peggy, can we finish here for today? I’m absolutely shattered.’
‘Twenty minutes early?’ Peggy gave her another of those gimlet-eyed stares. ‘So? Next week?’
‘I can’t. Vinnie. Has an appointment. With a specialist. About his possible ADHD.’
‘Let’s fix another time next week.’
‘Sorry, I can’t. They’ve been so good to me in work and it doesn’t feel right to ask for more time off.’
After a silence weighty with disapproval, Peggy said, ‘Addiction is a disease of denial. It tells you that you don’t have it.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘This time two weeks?’
‘Absolutely. This time two weeks.’
As she got up to leave, Cara felt a pang. Peggy had been very kind to her. She felt sad that she wouldn’t be meeting her again.
‘See you tomorrow,’ Nell called to Lorelei.
‘Where you going? It’s only six o’clock!’
