by Eric Ugland
Otherwise, that was the only thing of note. Just a deep fucking waterhole and a ginormous oak tree. Everywhere else was the gentle hills and metric fuckton of waist high grass I’d become accustomed to. Looking out across the waving grass made me think about tigers. Specifically how well they were able to hide in tall grass. Especially tall brown grass.
I tried to tell myself it was just my imagination acting up, that there wouldn’t be tigers out here. But what the fuck was I basing that bit of misinformation on, exactly?
Fuck. Tigers.
I climbed the tree.
It was one of the easiest tree climbs I’ve ever had. The branches were big and numerous and sturdy. In what seemed like no time at all, my head poked out of the top of the tree, and I looked over the wide expanse of the plains.
I was in the only tree around. Literally the only tree I could see was the one I was in. Sure, I could see greenery back toward the mountains, and I knew academically that those were trees, but they all just blended together into one leafy unit. Every other direction, though, was just brown wavy grass that undulated like an ocean in the wind. It smelled like rain, and looking back toward the mountains one more time, I saw that nasty storm was heading our way.
“At least we’re not flying through it,” I said.
I could see the dark clouds raging across the flatlands, a grand sheet of rain underneath. It was going to be one hell of a night, and I sorely wanted to watch the storm come on. But I knew the smart thing to do was use the giant oak to provide a modicum of cover. And that meant climbing back down the tree, gathering the egg, and finding a way to get it safely into the lower branches. Didn’t want to lose the thing in a surprise flash flood.
Down I went, climbing quickly but carefully. I had no desire to fall. Midway down the tree, however, someone grabbed my arm.
Chapter Thirteen
I almost fell out of the tree, jumping back. I grabbed onto some branches, swinging there for a moment and trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened.
A furry face stared at me from the trunk. Not inside the trunk, just perched on it, very well camouflaged. He had his finger to his lips. For a second, I thought about how odd it was that even in this different universe where nearly everything was different, the sign to shut the fuck up remained the same.
I nodded.
He pointed down.
I looked down.
Nothing was out of the ordinary, so I looked back up at the furry face and frowned.
He held up a finger.
I pulled myself up and sat down on the branch. I had nothing to do but wait for something mysterious to unfold, so I took a better look at the dude in front of me. I don’t know how I’d missed him on the trip up. Or, fuck it, on the trip down. He wasn’t exactly a small guy. He was nearly my size, except his head was huge, being that it was surrounded by a massive fuck-off mane. I was looking into the furry face of a lion. A lion who was staring right back at me, with intelligence in his eyes. He wore leather armor, and little else. He looked a bit, well, weak. Wan. As wan as a lion can look, because he was covered all over in a tawny soft-looking fur. His mane was darker, not quite black but certainly close to it.
Nothing was happening below. My curiosity in the cat was waning, so I started to move off of my branch, heading back down.
I snuck a glance down, just because, and the tiny lake exploded outward.
A massive creature launched itself from the water, big jaws open wide, and just gobbled down Fritz in a single bite.
“What the fuck was that?” I asked.
“Glaumdrang,” the lion said in Mahrduhmese. “Particularly nasty one at that.”
The creature was already back in the water. Waves crashed and the surface was roiling.
“Fuck,” I said, “the egg.”
“The what?”
I dropped off the branch and basically just started falling. With attitude.
“Wait—“ the Lion called out.
I probably should have tried waiting.
Instead, I face-planted through a few branches and slammed to the ground.
Which hurt.
A lot.
But I shook off the pain, ignoring the blood streaming from my nose, and crawled over to the egg as fast as I could. There was water everywhere, but the egg seemed fine.
“Sorry, Fritz,” I called out. Then I scooped the fur-covered egg up and tied it onto my back.
I could feel the creature readying for an attack. Like the air-pressure seemed to change.
I bolted for the tree, but at the last second, juked to go around it.
There was a loud noise from behind, and a hearty thunk as the glaumdrang slammed into the tree.
I sprinted around the base of the tree. As soon as I felt I’d gotten out of view of the monster chasing me, I hurried my butt into the tree, speed-climbing up until I felt like I was hidden in the branches.
The glaumdrang almost seemed like the madman’s cross between a crocodile and an otter. It had both fur and scales, big eyes, long conical teeth, six legs with big taloned paws on each one, and a huge flat tail. Oh, and it was big enough that it could eat a van-sized frog in a single bite. So. you know. Huge.
The monster below continued to look for me, moving carefully around the tree. It swung its huge head back and forth, massive maw open wide. It wasn’t clear if the beast was sniffing for me or looking for me, or doing something else entirely, but I knew he was annoyed he’d missed me. He wanted his meal.
Moving quietly, I climbed higher. I needed to think, and I wanted to do that in a place where I was out of reach of the creature if it should stand up on its legs. Which, in the case of this tree, was almost nowhere. I’d have to sit on the top. Which didn’t seem to be the most stable of hiding spots.
But the lion stopped me.
“What’s that?” he asked, looking at the egg on my back.
“Egg,” I replied.
“Big egg.”
“You’re telling me.”
“Any chance you have some water on you?”
“Water? There’s a big lake down there.”
“Safe water. The glaumdrang will have poisoned the lake. Which is why I did not say anything about your mount. I knew there was no saving him.”
I untied my waterskin and held it out to lion.
He took it with a nod, and drank almost desperately from it.
“Been up here a while?” I asked.
He nodded while he drank.
But he did give it back with some water still in it.
“Finish it off, pal,” I said. “Better to be satiated for a little bit than keep being thirsty.”
“I thank you,” he said, and he drained the last of the water. “I have been up here two weeks now.”
“Two weeks? In this tree?”
He nodded. “It has been slightly longer than I anticipated.”
“I’d hope so. Otherwise you’re rather shit at preparing.”
He smiled, and I got a good look at his mouth full of huge fangs. Definitely still very much a lion’s mouth. “I admit, this trip has opened my eyes to my weakness as a preparer. That egg—“
“Not for consumption,” I said before he even had the chance to ask. I did, however, dig out some more dried meat, and passed it over to him.
He took it with another smile.
“You are truly a savior for me,” he said.
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We’re still stuck up here.”
“That is true.”
“You want to tell me why you’re here?”
“Besides the glaumdrang down there?”
“I mean—“
“I came here to hunt the creature.”
“Doing fantastic so far.”
“I didn’t know what was here.”
“But you knew something was here?”
“Something has been causing caravans to disappear, and I believed it to be at this watering hole. Regretfully, I didn’t know exactly what I
would be facing. When I made a guess, I guessed incorrectly.”
“What were you thinking?”
“I came prepared for Goblins, human raiders, and gallifants.”
“Run that last one by me.”
“A gallifant? It is a tentacled beast. Lives in water, but captures prey from land. Ambush hunter.”
“I can see how it would make sense to think that.”
“And yet, it was not. A glaumdrang. That was unexpected.”
“You mentioned that. You have a plan now?”
“No.”
“Is the glaumdrang fast? Can we outrun it?”
“It is fast enough. In short distances, it will easily take us down. Six legs.”
“So we need to kill it.”
“Ideally, but unless you’ve got something more than that sword you left at the bottom of the tree—“
I looked down, and sure enough, there was the sword, laying in the grass near Fritz’s last sleeping spot.
“—we are out of luck on that front as well.”
“I have this,” I said, holding up the throwing axe.
“Oh, I suppose we’re saved then.”
“Better’n what you’ve got.”
He pulled a small sack around his back to his front, then reached inside, and pulled out a really nice looking sword with a greenish tint to it.
“I stand corrected.”
“Don’t. The magic it holds is useless in our situation.”
“What is it?”
“Greenskin bane.”
“Glaumdrang doesn’t count as green?”
“Is this a joke you are making?”
“No.”
“Greenskin refers to a grouping of races. Goblins, orcs, and the like. Where are you from?”
“Um, Osterstadt.”
He blinked a few times, then turned his head to the side.
“Osterstadt? The Empire?”
“That’s the one.”
“How did you get here?”
“That’s a long story.”
“Does it seem like we are short on time?”
“You did just drink the last of our water.”
“And I ate dried meat. What was I thinking? I’m going to be so thirsty soon. But still there should be time for a long story.”
“It’s not a good one. Too many unrealistic twists and turns.”
“An imperial in Mahrduhm is unrealistic at the present time regardless.”
“Are you going to turn me in?”
“To whom?” he asked, spreading his arms wide.
“Someone asked if I was in the army the other day. It made me think that the army might be nearby.”
“It is.”
“That’s whom, then.”
“The army and I are no longer friends.”
“You were at one point?”
“It is more correct to say that the previous government and I were close, and the current ruler is not a fan of, well, those who don’t look like her or share her rather austere views on the world.”
“I’ve heard she’s a bit intense.”
“She has very strong opinions.”
“You might as well not sugarcoat it. You can say she’s a raging idiot if you want.”
“She is no idiot. Raging is correct, but she is certainly one of the smartest people I have had the misfortune of knowing.”
“Good thing I’m a real idiot. Won’t take over that title.”
“You don’t strike me as particularly dumb.”
“You haven’t been around me long enough.”
“No matter if you are an idiot or not, I have no desire to report you to the army. Or anyone.”
“Maybe you could report me to the glaumdrang.”
“I doubt he would care. But it is where we should be devoting our attention.”
“Right. Let’s kill it.” I gave the throwing axe a bit of a twirl, and then I threw it at the water.
It hit with a kersplunk.
The lion just looked at me.
“So you are an idiot.”
“Ah, wait—“
I held out my hand, fingers splayed.
The axe came shooting out of the water, and the handle smacked into my palm.
“Neat trick.”
The glaumdrang, as if summoned by the axe, came storming out of the lake, thrashing around and looking for whatever had disturbed him.
Naturally, I threw the axe again. Harder. It flew through the air and smashed into the monster down below.
I held my hand out and the axe flew back. I threw it again.
And again.
And again.
I was scoring hits each time, but there was no real indication that my little throwing axe was doing more than annoying the giant otter-gator.
However, it was bleeding quite a bit, and it didn’t seem quite smart enough to just go back into the water. It kept moving around the tree, looking for whatever was hurting it, but, like most New Yorkers, it just didn’t seem to think to look up. All I had to do was follow it around the tree.
And, you know, throw the axe over and over again. It wasn’t really that hard. Kind of boring, felt a bit like cheating. Finally, though, the glaumdrang hopped back into the mini-lake, and disappeared under the surface, taking the axe with it.
I hung off one of the branches, and held my hand out. The axe soared out of the water, and smacked into my palm. I wiped the blood off on my pants, and slid the axe back into my belt.
The lion was looking over at me appreciatively.
“Amusing,” he said. “But it would seem somewhat pointless.”
“Well Fuck you very much. Do you have anything better planned?”
“Not at present.”
“What’s in your bag?”
“Quite a bit, but nothing designed for hunting drangs.”
“Wait, drangs are a thing?”
“Are you not seeing that beast below?”
“I mean, it’s like, a category?”
“There are no drangs in the Empire?”
“I’ve never heard of them.”
“You are lucky. They are a plague.”
“And I assume there are different types?”
“Yes. Many. And if we get out of this tree, perhaps I will tell you all I know of the drangs. But for the moment—“
“Got it. So what’s in the bag?”
He sighed, and started pulling things out.
Which was a relative pain in the ass. It’s not like we had an easy way to lay the items out. We were sitting on branches near each other, so anything I wanted to look at, he had to pass over to me, which meant there was the chance of dropping it. Which we learned the hard way when I didn’t quite have a grasp on a glass orb. It bounced down the tree before hitting a rock near the surface of the water, where it broke into a million pieces and sent a purple haze out over the water.
“Don’t suppose that was important,” I said.
He frowned at me. “Certainly isn’t now.”
Slowly, we went through all the stuff he had in his magic bag. It made me miss my unfillable knapsack. And it made me miss Skeld, and not just because he had my unfillable knapsack, though that was partly the reason. And I needed the bag. And Skeld. Which meant that after this giant mess, I’d need to go find Skeld, and make sure he got out of that cave okay. But if I had Skeld here, I knew I’d have had something ready to kill this overgrown otter-gator. Probably twice over. At the bare minimum (or lutra minimum?), I’d have been able to throw Skeld at it.
But there wasn’t anything the lionman had that jumped out as a useful weapon. He had, in fact, come prepared for other foes.
“I’m starting to think we’re going to have to do something a little weird,” I said. “And probably stupid.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“How much rope do you have?”
Chapter Fourteen
Based on what I’d seen of the creature, we had a few things going for us. Yes, the glaumdrang seemed fast
, strong, and reasonably smart. But it was also very aggressive and reasonably tenacious when it sensed its prey had gotten away. This made the creature susceptible to traps. Especially traps with live bait.
“I am NOT doing it,” the lion said.
“You don’t think you’re faster than me?”
“That does not matter. I am not—“
“You want to sit up in the tree and wait for some other person to come along?”
“I think I should be the one who jumps down on the beast to slaughter it.”
“Uh, I’m not sure that’s the best play. I’m pretty damn good at killing things.”
“My company has been the backbone of monster investigation and eradication in Mahrduhm for the last thirty years. The number and variety of monsters we have taken on is immeasurable.”
“Not that I don’t believe you, because I do, and it sounds fascinating, but I did notice that you didn’t mention that you yourself have been out there slaying monsters.”
“It is my company. I have killed many monsters. I have the experience to kill this one, now that I have you to help me.”
“Okay, fair enough. I guess I’ll be the bait.”
He nodded at me, face grim.
“You want the throwing axe?” I asked, holding it out to him.
He shook his head. “I will need to land the killing blow quickly. If I can get a sword through its backbone, it will be at our mercy. Or straight into the brain. Either way, we will be victorious.”
“If not?”
“We will not win a war of attrition against the glaumdrang. I will tell you that.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“You are a strange man.”
“That’s pretty accurate,” I agreed. “Now let’s get this done with — I’m tired of sitting in a tree.”
“How do you think I feel?”
We put together my ropes and his ropes, making a braid of the six ropes that we had. We wanted to try and increase their strength, keep the drang from breaking them. Then we tied a great big slipknot and hung it over a branch. Creeping down lower on the tree, I used some string to tie the loop open against the tree and one spot on the ground. Then I looked up.
