Eating the Dinosaur
Page 20
My point, basically, is this: Even though I am defending several of Ted Kaczynski’s ideas, I’m the kind of human he hates most. It was people like me who made him mail bombs to university professors he’d never meet. I suspect that if you went to his supermax prison cell in Colorado and asked Kaczynski who most represents the problems he outlines in his manifesto, he would say something along the lines of “People who know the truth, yet still refuse to accept what they know to be true.” That’s who I am (and—if you’re reading this—you probably are, too). Even though he deserves to die in jail, Kaczynski’s thesis is correct: Technology is bad for civilization. We are living in a manner that is unnatural. We are latently enslaved by our own ingenuity, and we have unknowingly constructed a simulated world. The benefits of technology are easy to point out (medicine, transportation, the ability to send and receive text messages during Michael Jackson’s televised funeral), but they do not compensate for the overall loss of humanity that is its inevitable consequence. As a species, we have never been less human than we are right now.
And that (evidently) is what I want.
I must want it. It must be my desire, because I would do nothing to change the world’s relationship to technology even if I could. My existence is constructed, and it’s constructed through the surrogate activity of mainstream popular culture. I understand this. And because I understand this, I could change. I could move to Montana and find Ted’s cabin and live there, satisfied in my philosophical rightness. I could go the Christopher McCandless route and shoot a moose for food and self-actualization. But I choose the opposite. Instead of confronting reality and embracing the Experience of Being Alive, I will sit here and read about Animal Collective over the Internet. Again. I will read about Animal Collective again. And not because the content is important or amusing or well written, but because the content exists. Reading about Animal Collective has replaced being alive. I aspire to think of myself as an analog person, but I am not. I have been converted to digital without the remastering, and the fidelity is appalling.
A few hours ago, someone asked me if I thought it would be good for the world if the Internet spontaneously went black and never returned. It was a hypothetical, so I said, “Yes.” It would be a positive insurrection for the world. We would have less access to information, but we would not be any less informed about reality. People like to assume the democratization of media is a wonderful concept, but that’s only because most Americans are childishly obsessed with the word democracy: They want to believe anything becomes better if you make it more democratic. This may be true for governments and birthday parties, but not for everything else. Should we democratize the world’s supply of uranium? Should we democratize guns? Should we democratize cocaine?4 The Internet is not improving our lives. It’s making things (slightly) worse. But because I’m not free—because I am a slave to my own weakness—I can no longer imagine life without it. I love the Internet. I love the Internet. And I will probably love whatever technological firebomb comes next. My apologies, Ted. Your thirty-five-thousand-word document makes sense to me, but I cannot be saved. You’ll have to blow up my hands.
Acknowledgments
As always, the existence of this book is primarily due to the work of Brant Rumble and the acumen of Daniel Greenberg.
Others who deserve mention for specific suggestions and meaningful changes: Kyle Anderson (particularly for his assistance with “Oh, the Guilt”), Bob Ethington (who has quietly and aggressively edited every book I’ve ever written, without compensation), Rob Sheffield, Greg Korte, Michael Weinreb, David Giffels, Ben Heller, Jon Dolan, Brian Raftery, Jennifer Raftery, and the University of Leipzig.
The title for the tenth essay was stolen from John Hodgman without his permission. I likewise borrowed an old joke about wildebeests from Jack Sullivan.
I would also like to thank Melissa Maerz for marrying me, for allowing me to be crazy, and for keeping the batteries inside the remote control.
Index
ABBA, 147–58
“Dancing Queen,” 153
as a genre unto itself, 154–55
Gold compilation of, 153
“Hey Hey Helen,” 158
“Honey Honey,” 157n5
“S.O.S.,” 152–53
Voulez-Vous, 153
“Watch Out,” 155
“Waterloo,” 152
“The Winner Takes It All,” 148–49
ABC, 168
Abdul, Paula, 151
AC/DC, 150–51
Ace of Base, 155
“Across the Sea” (Weezer), 207–08, 207n9, 208n10
advertising
audience engagement with, 187–88
Coca-Cola and, 185
“Millennials” and, 178–80
Pepsi and, 177–80, 186
Tropicana orange juice repackaging and, 184–85
A-11 offense, 138–39
Aerosmith, 27, 32
“Aero Zeppelin” (Nirvana), 32
Against the Machine (Siegel), 222–23, 223n3
Akron Beacon Journal, 38
Albini, Steve, 26, 37–38
“All Apologies” (Nirvana), 43–44
Allen, Marcus, 136n4
Allen, Woody, 164–65
“All I Wanna Do” (Crowe), 115
Alterman, Eric, 200, 201, 203
American Idol (television series), 152, 192
“American Pie” (McLean), 110
American Psycho (film), 96n2
Anders, Benny, 74–76, 80
Andersson, Benny, 149, 155, 155n2
Annie Hall (film), 164–65
Arm, Mark, 25
Army football team, 130
Arrested Development (television series), 166–67
ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms), 28, 39–40, 44
Azerrad, Michael, 27
Bachman, Richard, 111–12
Bachman Books, The (King), 111–12
Back to the Future (film), 54, 58–59, 58n3
Back to the Future Part II (film), 54–55, 54n1
Bandwagonesque (Teenage Fanclub), 87
Bard College, 59
barefoot punting, 143
Barrett, Syd, 76
baseball, 128, 133
basketball, three-point line in, 128
Bateman, Jason, 192
Baudelaire, Charles, 219–20
Beach Boys, 66
Beatles, 34, 35, 101, 111, 115
Beck, 192
Beck, Glenn, 202
Beck, Jeff, 23
Becker, Walter, 59–60
Beef heart, Captain, 87
Bee Gees, 155
Behind the Music (television series), 107
Bellard, Emory, 139, 139n9
Berry, Chuck, 58–59, 58n3
Berry, Norman, 187
“Beverly Hills” (Weezer), 194
Beyoncé, 113–14
Biden, Joseph, 40–41
Big Bang Theory, The (television series), 163
Billboard Music Awards, 110
Bjorn Again, 157n5
Black, Clint, 110
Black Flag, 194
Blair Witch Project (film), 203
Blank, Les, 198, 198n2
Bleach (Nirvana), 26
Blue Öyster Cult (BÖC), 105
Body Double (film), 96–97, 96n2
Boisture, Tom, 78
“Bootstrap Paradox,” 58–59
Born to Run (Springsteen), 105
Boston, 37
Bowie, David, 104, 114
Bowie, Sam, 83, 83n8
Boyle, Susan, 192
Branch Davidian cult, 28–30, 38–41, 44, 46–47
Bright Eyes, 194
Brooks, Garth, 104–11, 113–16
“Friends in Low Places,” 105
In the Life of Chris Gaines, 107–08, 109–10, 109n3, 112, 115–16
“Lost in You,” 115
“My Love Tells Me So,” 115
No Fences, 105, 108
Ropin’ the Wind, 108
“The Thunder Rolls,” 116
Broomfield, Nick, 30
Brown, Ronnie, 126
Buffalo Bills, 137
Buffett, Warren, 72
Burke, Delta, 49
Burns and Allen (television series), 164
Burr, Raymond, 95
Buzzo, King, 45–46
Cake, 114
Cal Poly Pomona (California State Polytechnic University, Pomona), 137
Campbell, Earl, 142
canned laughter, 163–65, 166–68, 172–75
Capitol Records, 109
Captain Beef heart, 87
Caramanica, Jon, 150
Carpenters, 152
Carruth, Shane, 61–64, 62n4
Carson, Charles “Spud,” 139n9
Cassandra complex, 60
Cavazo, Carlos, 193
Chapman, Tracy, 115
Charles, Lorenzo, 75
Cheap Trick, 33
Cheers (television series), 163, 198
Chicago Bears, 142n14
Chicago Tribune, 26
“choice routes,” in football, 137
Christgau, Robert, 36
Churchill, Winston, 53
Cincinnati Bengals, 137, 138
cinema verité, 203, 204
Clash, The, 41
Cleveland Browns, 135
Clinton, Hillary, 201
Cloverfield (film), 203
Cobain, Kurt
David Koresh comparison with, 28, 29, 30, 47
Incesticide and, 32–34
In Utero and, 26–28, 36–38
success of, 30–31
Coca-Cola, 180, 185, 185n1
Columbia Review of Journalism, 224
Comiskey Park, Chicago, 147–48
“Common People” (Pulp), 105
“Concept, The” (Teenage Fanclub), 87
Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, A (Twain), 53
Converse, 185
Corgan, Billy, 46
Coryell, Don, 139, 139n10
Cotton Bowl, 140n11
Couch, Tim, 135
Cox, Courteney, 18, 171
“Crazy” (Aerosmith), 27
“Crazy in Love” (Knowles), 113
Creed, 106
Crosby, Bing, 104
Cronin, Paul, 200n3
Crover, Dale, 47–48
Crowe, Sheryl, 115
Crowley, Donnie, 100n3
cultural criticism, 217–20
Cuomo, Rivers, 193–97, 196n1, 207–08, 207n9, 208n10
Curb Your Enthusiasm (television series), 167, 168
Daily Show, The (television series), 173
Dallas Cowboys, 133
“Dancing Queen” (ABBA), 153
David, Larry, 164
Davis, Darrel “Mouse,” 137
Day After Tomorrow, The (film), 161
dc Talk, 102
deaths, in footballs, 130
Delaware State University, 137–38
De Palma, Brian, 96–97
Details (magazine), 17
DH rule, 128
Didion, Joan, 202n5
Dillon, Matt, 114
Disco Demolition Night, Chicago, 147–48
Dokken, 150
Donnie Darko (film), 57–58
“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” Blue Öyster Cult (BÖC), 105, 105n1
Don’t Look Back (film), 203
Douglas, Charlie, 164
Dr. Feelgood (Mötley Crue), 37
Drexler, Clyde, 75
Dune (Herbert), 64
Dylan, Bob, 23, 34, 103
“Eleanor Rigby” (Beatles), 101
elections, U.S. presidential 2000, 200–201 2008, 201
Ellis, Bret Easton, 96n2
Eisenberg, Jesse, 49
Emerson, Ralph Waldo, III, 164, 164n2
Entertainment Weekly (magazine), 113
Erasure, 156
Esquire (magazine), 164
ESPN, 76, 107, 137n6
Eurovision Song Contest, 152
Ewing, Patrick, 80
Explaining Hitler (Rosenbaum), 164n
Fagen, Donald, 59–60
Faltskog, Agnetha, 149, 154
“Fast Car” (Chapman), 115
Favre, Brett, 133–34, 133n3
FBI, 40, 214, 216
Fey, Tina, 167–68
Fierce, Sasha (Knowles persona), 113–14
First Person (television series), 21
Fitch, Bill, 72
Fitzcarraldo (film), 197, 198
Fitzgerald, F. Scott, 174
Fog of War, The: Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara (film), 5–6, 5n2, 20–22
football, 125–45. See also individual teams
barefoot punting in, 143
deaths in, 130
dominance in sports of, 133
forward pass in, 128–30
Halberstam on, 143–44, 143n15
innovation and progressive ideas in, 127–28, 136–40
NFL Network and marketing of, 131–32
Theodore Roosevelt’s involvement in, 128–30
Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television (Mander), 218–19
4-3 defense, 142–43, 142n13
46 defense, 142–43, 142n13
forward pass, 128–30
Fox, Matthew, 32
Fox, Michael J., 58–59, 58n3
FOX News, 132
“Freak Me Out” (Weezer), 194, 196–97
Frehley, Ace, 193
Frey, James, 13, 13n6
Friday Night Lights (television series), 126n1, 203–05
Friends (television series), 163, 168–72
“Friends in Low Places” (Brooks), 105
Frost/Nixon (film), 3
Gaines, Chris (Brooks persona), 107–08, 109–10, 109n3, 112, 115–16
Gambill, John, 75
Gang of Four, 87
Garofalo, Janeane, 153
Gator Bowl, 141
Gazecki, William, 40
Geffen Records, 26, 27, 33
General Motors, 206
Germans, and laughter, 165–66
Gifford, Frank, 144
Gilliam, Terry, 60
Gillman, Sid, 139, 139n8
Gimme Shelter (film), 203
Gladwell, Malcolm, 223n3
Glass, Ira, 7–11
Glengarry Glen Ross (play), 181
Glenn, Terry, 142
Godfather Paradox, 57
Gold (ABBA), 153
Goldberg, Danny, 38
Golden State Warriors, 77n5
Gold Mountain Entertainment, 38
Golf in the Year 2000 (novel), 53
Gonzalez, Anthony, 137
Goodfellas (film), 95
Gore, Al, 200
Gossip Girl (television series), 224
Grateful Dead, 154–55
Great Train Robbery, The (film), 220
Greek myths, 60
Green Bay Packers, 78, 135, 136
Griffith, Melanie, 97
Grizzly Man (film), 198–99
Grohl, Dave, 36
grunge, 150
Guardian, The, 157
guitar smashing
by Nirvana, 25–26, 47–48
by other groups, 41–42
Guns N’ Roses, 41
“Hair of the Dog” (Nazareth), 105
Halberstam, David, 143–44, 143n15
Hamlet (Shakespeare), 58
Hammett, Kirk, 151
Hank McCune Show, The (television series), 164
Hanzlik, Bill, 79–80
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (film), 192
Hawkins, Connie, 82
Hayes, Elvin, 72
Hayes, Woody, 141–42
Headbangers Ball (television series), 41
Heart of Glass (film), 197
Heath, Chris, 17–19, 17n7
Heavy Metal (animated film), 102
Heidegger, Martin, 215
Heinlein, Robert, 58–59
Heisman Trophy, 135
He
ndrix, Jimi, 23, 34
Herbert, Frank, 64
Here Comes Everybody (Shirky), 224
Herzog, Werner, 197–200
cinema verité and, 203, 204
Fitzcarraldo, 197, 198
Grizzly Man, 198–99
Heart of Glass, 197
“The Minnesota Declaration,” 203
Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe, 198, 198n2
Herzog on Herzog (Cronin), 200n3
Hesseman, Howard, 172
Heston, Charlton, 65
“Hey Hey Helen” (ABBA), 158
Hey, Whipple, Squeeze This (Sullivan), 187
Hicks, Bill, 44–45
Hill, Anita, 33
Hills, The (television series), 71
Hilton, Paris, 71
hip-hop, 150
Hitchcock, Alfred, 90–91, 95–96
Rear Window, 95–96, 101
Vertigo, 91n1
Hitler, Adolf, 57, 164n1
Holland, Terry, 81
Holly, Buddy, 207
Home Improvement (television series), 163
“Honey Honey” (ABBA), 157n5
“Hot Hot Hot” (Poindexter), 116
Houston Cougars, 74, 80
Houston Rockets, 72
“How I Fell in Love with the NFL” (Halbertsam), 143n15
How I Met Your Mother (television series), 163
Humphries, Steve, 138–39
hurry-up offense, 138
I Am … Sasha Fierce (Knowles), 113–14
Ian, Janis, 194
Independent Film Channel, 21
Industrial Society and Its Future (Kaczynski), 214, 215, 220–22, 224–25
innovation, in football plays, 127–28
Incesticide (Nirvana), 32–34
“Inside the Canned Laughter War” (Rosenbaum), 164
interviewing, 1–23
being interviewed, 2–4, 6–7, 10–11, 22
celebrities and, 17–19
Glass on This American Life and, 7–10
McNamara as subject in, 20–22
Morris on, 4–6, 12–15, 20–22
motives of person being interviewed, 4–6
Prince’s approach to granting, 16–17
talking with people versus, 1–2
truth and lies in, 13–15
as a way to earn a living, 1
In the Life of Chris Gaines (Brooks), 107–08, 109–10, 109n3, 112, 115–16
In Utero (Nirvana), 25, 26–28, 32, 36–38, 37n3, 42, 45
Invisible Man, The (Wells), 52
Jackson, Tom, 137n6
Jack the Ripper, 55
James, Henry, 53
James, LeBron, 185
Jars of Clay, 102
Johansen, David, 116
John Deere, 109
“Johnny B. Goode” (Berry), 58–59, 58n3