by Brenda Ford
But what if I see him and still have feelings for him? my brain unhelpfully asks me. What if all of those feelings come rushing back and we end up in one another’s arms now that he has recovered from Lee’s death?
“No,” I tell myself sharply. “No, don’t think about that. Too much time has passed. Too much has happened.”
I mean, Artie could be married by now, he could have a wife and kids. Plus, Nikki could be right about him not even living here anymore. I don’t want to get myself all tied up in knots over a man who is basically just a ghost now, a flicker in my imagination, a memory who might not even exist any longer.
I check in and climb on to the bed, needing to rest. Almost immediately my eyes close and the rest of the world blocks out, leaving me with a very welcome blackness. I just need my brain to stop spinning, that’s all. I need to switch my thoughts off and just be in the nothingness for a while. Maybe then I will rejuvenate properly…
But as I finally bolt up in the bed an hour later, I don’t feel rejuvenated at all. If anything, I feel even worse, but I suppose that’s because I didn’t succumb to the blackness at all. Not really. As soon as I let my brain have its own way and the dreams started coming, Artie infiltrated them all. He totally consumed me.
At first, I was back in the good old days, back in that wonderful high school romance that I just knew with all of the confidence in the world was going to last forever, but then I soon returned to the funeral, to the after math of Lee’s death when all I would get from Artie is a blackness, a blank stare which every so often would be consumed with a hatred so pure it nearly knocked me off my feet. In the day time, I don’t remember it being quite so bad, but I guess my subconscious is still affected by the whole thing. Deep down, the scars remain.
Then I was taken to a brand-new place. One which isn’t stooped in memory, but I guess is in my fears. Of Artie married, of Artie living this whole life without me, of him laughing at me when he finds out that I am still affected by what happened, of him hating me when he knows that I clung on to him for far too long…
“Oh God.” I rub my head hard, trying to will all of the pain away, the thoughts as well. “That sucks.”
I force myself off of the bed and in to the bathroom because I desperately need a shower. If I can’t rub those thoughts out of my brain, then I would love to at least be able to wash them off. I have my meeting soon anyway and I need to be in my work mode. I need to forget all about fucking Artie Wilson. Something that I should have done a very long time ago. Over a decade. If I had let him go in the first place, then this wouldn’t be a problem now. This is why people don’t think much about their high school boyfriends, because it’s all so stupid, it’s just practice for real life that’s all. I just forgot the part when I was supposed to start the whole real-life thing.
“You will be out of here soon,” I remind myself. “This is just one night. You can do that. You can, Rose.”
Twenty-four hours isn’t that long when it comes to the grand scheme of things. People can survive a day of something that they don’t want to do, and I can as well. I’m sure that the anticipation and the fear of what might happen is worse than the reality. The reality is I will probably get out of here scot free and completely unscathed and stronger for surviving it all. One can only hope anyway.
Chapter 3 – Artie
The Bull is a safer place for me to get a drink tonight, I want a little break from the club house and especially from Tara. I don’t know what the hell is going on with her, and nor do I want to. I just want peace.
With an idly look, I glance over the local newspaper looking at the job’s postings, seeing if there is anything else out there. But there isn’t really, not for a guy like me. Who is going to want to hire a guy who has spent most of his life in a motorcycle gang hanging about with petty criminals? Being a petty criminal? No one. Working for Butch and keeping the bikes all kept up to scratch is the best that I can hope for. The more that I try to genuinely envision a future away from the gang, the less that I can see it.
“…Yes, this is the place which does a great steak,” a booming slightly posh sounding voice calls out, echoing through the whole bar. Immediately I know that this is the sort of attention seeking person who needs to be seen. It isn’t a surprise when the man who follows his voice is in a tailored business suit. He is one of them. “You are going to love it. It might seem like a dive bar on the surface, but it is really great underneath the surface. That’s why I always bring all of my business contacts here. To try the steak. Unless they are one of those ‘vegans.”
I screw my nose up in disgust. Urgh, what sort of person is this and why is he here to interrupt my night? All I want is a couple of nice quite drinks so that I can stew on my own. I don’t need to listen to these guys. More people follow, most of them men, and it makes me wonder if that is the person who I would have become if I got in to business like I planned. If so then I’m kinda glad that I didn’t. They are so arrogant and annoying, the sort of men who think that everyone is interested in what they have to say. Like people assume they are important.
Well, not me. I am not interested. I take a drink of my beer, wondering if this will have to be my last since I can’t seem to get the peace that I so desperately need. It isn’t going to happen if this lot are going to be in here eating, is it? They will only get louder and more obnoxious with every drink that they have.
“Here, Rosie,” the guy says loudly, already grating on my very last nerve. “You can sit here.”
“Right,” a female voice replies wryly, sounding about as irritated as I feel. “Thank you. That’s… great…”
I glance up to meet this woman’s eyes, to see how she’s really feeling, but as soon as my eyes meet this ‘Rosie’, my heart stops completely. This can’t be… it can’t… but it seems like it really is. Like my past has come back to haunt me in a way that I never would have expected. Like she is back at long last.
Rose Smith. My Rose. The one who got away… or who I pushed away. She is here. Somehow back in my life despite the fact that I ran away from everything and everyone so that no one could find me. But she has. Does that mean something? Does it mean that she has been brought back in to my life for a reason?
One thing is for sure, and that is the idea of me leaving is long gone now. I am staying here until Rose leaves because I need to figure out what the hell is going on here. I need to know why she is back.
The people on Rose’s table mix conversations about business with talk about the food that this place offers, still loud enough for everyone to hear, but I can’t follow the talk because I am too lost in looking at Rose now and trying to work out who she has become. She is still the same ashy blonde-haired blue-eyed girl with a sweet heart face that I once knew, but a lot has changed about her as well. She has grown in to her body more, she has filled out in a really sexy way, and there is a new-found confidence to her as well. Time has been good to Rose in a way that I don’t think is has me. She looks incredible, heart stopping so, and I have to admit that even after all of this time all I want to do is rush over to her and hold her against my chest, just like I always used to.
If I hadn’t let her go then maybe I still could, but I did let her go. I’ve messed things up. I let her go, physically, I never let her go properly in my mind, and now I have to face the consequences of that.
“Fuck,” I whisper to myself as soon as mu glass is empty. Now I need to get my sorry ass back up to the bar without being seen to get myself another drink. Because I might have seen Rose, but I’m definitely not ready for her to see me yet. I need to wrap my head around the whole situation first. “Fucking hell.”
I feel like an idiot as I creep up towards the bar with my head hung low. My heart is thundering hard against my rib cage bringing all kinds of anxiety flooding to the surface, which only makes me feel worse about myself. I suppose it’s lucky in a way that I don’t look much like the person who I once was because there is a chance that she might not reco
gnize me. She may well not even remember what we once shared. Even if it did have a big impact on me, there is a chance that it didn’t affect Rose at all, and she is long over me.
“Hey, Artie,” the bar maid says a little too loudly, causing me to shush her before I can remind myself that isn’t the right way to behave. “What do you want?” Luckily, she doesn’t even notice. “Same again?”
I nod silently and hand her the cash as soon as she has poured it. I don’t dare look up until I am sitting back in the corner of the bar once more and I’m so glad to see that Rose is still seep in conversation. I have succeeded. I have managed to buy myself some more time to work out what I want to do.
The thing is ever since I first left home, I have wanted to see Rose again. She hasn’t been out of my mind for even a day, but I never really pictured it happening. I didn’t imagine any meet cutes in my mind where our eyes would meet and everything from the past would just melt in to nothingness. If I were to picture it then we would simply fall in to one another’s arms once more as if nothing bad has ever come between us.
But that can’t happen because life is still around us, things have happened, and there is no escaping that.
I want to talk to Lee about what’s happening right now, but that’s because I always want to talk to Lee about everything. He always was great with advice. I could also do with talking to one of my brothers about this, to see what they think about how I should act, but I don’t want to take my eyes off of Rose for long enough to grab out my cell phone. I’m frightened that she might just vanish in to thin air, like she was never there.
She’s sexy, I realize as I look at her. Of course, I always thought that she was sexy. My attraction to her was always huge which is how we ended up together, but now she screams out sexiness. The business attire, the way that she carries herself with such confidence, the curl of her hair as it falls down her back… she is sex on legs and that really stirs up everything inside of me. There are practically fucking butterflies flapping in the pit of my stomach. I’m like a school boy with a crush. That’s what she has turned me in to.
Who would have thought that a random night out in The Bull would have turned in to this?
As time ticks passed, I find myself getting over the shock of first seeing Rose, and an excitement coming in. I might be hiding from her right now, but I really want to take advantage of her being here. This is a real opportunity that I can’t just let slip me by. Even if she tells me to get lost, I feel like I should at last speak to her. Otherwise I will be left with a lot of questions and absolutely no answers. Since my head isn’t exactly in a great place at the moment as it is, I don’t think that adding more to that pain will help me. It might actually crush me.
But I can’t talk to her yet, not when she is clearly in the middle of a business meeting with those assholes. That has to finish first. Plus, I’m sure that a bunch of suits like that will have some nasty things to say about me. A tattooed guy in motorcycle leathers who looks like he doesn’t have an aim in life. Yep, that’s the sort of thing that they will have a field day with and much as I don’t give a shit, I don’t want to embarrass her.
Oh God, what if that is the sort of guy that she likes now as well? Urgh, I shudder at the idea of Rose in some town house with a stiff upper lip suit boyfriend who expects her to look perfect and dressed up every single day, who doesn’t appreciate that he has the best woman in the world and that he should just let her be. For me, she has always been beautiful, always perfect, when she was dressed up and when she was in her sweats as well. It never mattered to me because she was my Rose, the best woman in the world as far as I am concerned.
Not that I knew what I had which is why I was a shit and walked away. I could slap myself silly. If I could go back in time now, I would let myself know that much as it killed me losing Lee, walking away from Rose and letting her go will always be the biggest mistake, my one and only regret in life.
But today, I might get to change that, or at least to apologize for it anyway, and that will be a good start. If I can just say sorry, and let go of that past pain then maybe there are other things I can recover from too…
All of a sudden, I am shaken from my thoughts by the sight of Rose leaving the table. Only to go to the bathroom, but she is away from those guys for a moment. I shouldn’t do this just yet, I know that it’s crazy, but my ass is off the seat regardless and I’m on my way to the bathroom too, following Rose. My pulse is racing, I’m practically shaking with terror, but I’m doing it anyway. It’s as if this is my one and only chance and I can’t screw it up I can’t let her walk away from me or I might never see Rose Smith ever again.
Now that she has walked back in to my life, even if it is only for a moment, I can’t handle that idea.
Chapter 4 – Rose
God this guy is a sexist asshole. They all are really, but Andy who is leading the discussion is a bit much for me. He has made his views on women in business clear, plus anyone with a slightly different diet to him. He has also talked about people who don’t wear suits every single day in a really negative way. I will be honest, he is massively starting to get on my nerves, but he has put in a big order, so I have to stick with him for now. It isn’t long until I can escape him and forget any of this ever happened. And if the boss ever asks me to come back here… well, I will refuse. There is no way in hell that I can hack this again.
I stare at my refection in the bathroom mirror, noticing the wildness in my eyes. I might have had a couple of drinks, but with a man like Andy around I know that I need to be on high alert at all times, so I don’t feel tipsy. I have to have my wits about me, so he doesn’t start thinking that it’s okay to mix business and pleasure.
“You can do this,” I whisper to myself. “It will be fine. You can fuck handle Andy.”
I know that I can as well, I just need to keep as strong as I always am, that’s all. No issues. So, once I feel like I have myself all together and ready to face the world once more, I exit the bathroom prepared… well, prepared to deal with Andy, I’m certainly not prepared to walk smack bang in to the oversized tattooed bad guy who is loitering outside of the women’s room for some reason that I can’t quite fathom.
“Oh, sorry.” A heat races to my cheeks and I immediately feel small and stupid. This wasn’t my fault, but with a guy like that looming over me, I feel the need to apologize. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”
I try to get passed the guy without even meeting his eyes, but he steps to the left to block my path down the small hallway to keep me with him. I would be an idiot to not start immediately panicking. I might be able to handle myself, but I don’t know if that counts when it comes to a man twice my size.
“Rose,” the man whispers, making my blood run ice cold and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. How the fuck does this man know me? No one knows me here. No one except for… oh my God. “It’s me.”
I drag my eyes up him slowly, comforting myself in the fact that this doesn’t look anything like the body of the Artie Wilson who I once knew and loved. But then is that really better because if it isn’t Artie, then who the fuck is it? What does some guy covered in tattoos want with me? How does he know me?
“Oh shit.” I clap my hands to my mouth in shock. Despite the fact that this body doesn’t look anything like the boy I once knew, there is no denying that this is Artie’s face. It’s him for sure, only he looks like a real bad boy version of himself. The sort of man who would chase you down an alley way in a nightmare. “Artie.”
“Sorry to surprise you like this.” Why doesn’t he look shocked? Why is he grinning from ear to ear? “But I was just having a quiet drink in my local bar when I saw you come in with a bunch of suits. I didn’t want to interpret what looked like a business meeting, but I also couldn’t miss the chance to talk to you.”
My heart thunders in my throat making it damn near impossible to breathe. I thought about this in a hypothetical way, but I never actually planned to see
Artie. I suppose there is a big part of me that knew it wouldn’t happen if I didn’t go looking for Artie, and I definitely wasn’t going to go looking for him, yet here we are. Standing in front of one another, looking at each other like we are reunited strangers in a movie…
God, is that what this is like? A movie? I mean, he might be different and all ‘tortured bad boy’ these days, but I have to admit that I still find him sexy in a way that I definitely shouldn’t. Maybe even more so than when he was my boyfriend… but I suppose that could be a case of wanting what I can’t have.
“I am here on business,” I reply lamely, probably sounding like a massive idiot. “It’s a meeting.”
“Hmm, I thought as much.” Artie nods slowly. “Do you have time when the meeting is over?”
“What do you mean?” I can’t help but stare at him with horror in my eyes. “When it’s over, why?”
“So, me and you can hang out, of course.” Oh God, does his smile have to affect me so deeply? Even now after all of this time. “Is that okay? I’m sure that this isn’t a place that you come too often. So, it seems silly to waste the chance for us to talk again after everything that we went through together all those years ago.”
It’s a point that I really can’t argue with, so I find myself nodding. I suppose I did tell myself that if I did see him, I would be able to get some closure on the past so perhaps that’s what this could be good for. “Yes.”
“Thank you, Rose. You have no idea what that means to me. I know that I don’t deserve a second of your time after the way that I treated you all those years ago, so I’m glad that you are giving me a chance.”
Hmm, the way that he says that has me wondering if that is what he’s all tortured about. Is he clinging on to the past when it comes to me and him as well as Lee? Has his life been very dictated by that? I suppose there is only one way to find out and that is to have the chat with him later on… after the business meeting.
