by Brenda Ford
I grit my teeth. She’s been drinking, probably for hours, which is why she’s here. If I just continue to hunker down, then she will eventually give up. She has to.
“Ben, I will fucking kick this door down in a moment. Do you hear me? I will fucking call the cops and tell them that you are dead. Then they’ll let me in. You can’t just keep on escaping me.” This is followed by more banging sounds. “Come on, I don’t want this to end up in a big dramatic mess. You don’t want that either, do you? You hate the drama.”
I roll my eyes. That’s fucking ironic, isn’t it? She doesn’t want to cause me drama, yet she’s here doing just that. Alicia has always been drama, hasn’t she? That’s why we couldn’t work out. Because of the stupid shit like this. She should be in the process of forgetting me now, of moving on, maybe even dating someone new, but she’s here. Banging on the door. Still.
“Your neighbors are looking at me now, Ben. Do you want them to be the ones to call the cops? Because if that’s the case then I will make something up about you. I could ruin your life, you know, Ben? I know enough about you. I could… I don’t know what exactly, but I could hurt you a lot. Do you really want that rather than just letting me in? Is all of this ignoring me worth the risk? Because I have to be honest with you, it doesn’t feel like it is to me. It feels stupid. Like you’re being stubborn and pathetic just to hurt me more. And why? For what?”
I slide my eyes closed, trying to block out the mess that has become my life, but instead of the black emptiness that I’m searching for inside of my mind, I feel myself drifting back in time to the night that I very first met Alicia. The night when I found a very different version of her standing in front of me in the local bar where I was out celebrating my friend’s birthday.
She caught my eye right away. At first, I thought it was because she was the new girl in town, someone I didn’t know. I was intrigued because it had been a while since I spotted an unfamiliar face. But the more I looked at her, laughing and sipping wine comfortably with the girl who had been the year above me in school, I realized that it was her beauty captivating me. Her shiny blonde hair, her sweet looking smile, her long slim legs… I knew that I needed to talk to her. But I wasn’t the only one. Some of the other guys had clocked her as well, but their intentions weren’t as pure as mine. They just wanted to hook up with the new girl in town.
I actually find a little smile playing on my lips as I remember our first conversation. I can’t remember the exact words we spoke, but I can remember the way I felt. All happy and glowing. Unlike any way I have ever felt before. I think that’s why I fell so hard and so fast. That’s why I ignored all of the red flags as they showed, and I allowed myself to fall in love with the cool girl. Alicia, the new girl in town wanted me, and my God it felt good to be wanted by her.
If only I knew then what I know now. I could have saved myself a whole lot of agony as the red flags became too clear to ignore, I could have left all of this to one of those other guys.
“Fuck.” I’m annoyed at myself for so many reasons. I think I must be weak for allowing all of this to pile on top of me. If any of my brothers had remained in town and I wasn’t the only one, especially Ryan my one older brother, then none of this would have happened. They would have sorted me out. But they all scarpered pretty much as soon as they could.
Every so often, I wonder if I should have done the same thing.
I stayed because of my job. I love working with animals and my position on the horse farm just down the road from home that I got straight out of high school is perfect for me. I don’t need that to change. I just want… well, something a little better than this. There must be more to life than hiding away inside my own home trying to avoid my ex who won’t leave me be.
“Enough,” I spit out while rising to my feet. “This is enough. This is done now.”
I can’t just sit around any longer, I can’t take this, I need her to get out of here. I stomp over to the front door and swing it open with steam practically burning out of my ears.
“Alicia, no,” I yell. “No, I can’t take this anymore. No, this is stupid. You need to go.”
“Ah, so you are in.” Yep, she’s drunk and messy and now looking smug because I’m here. “I knew you were. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I didn’t go anywhere. Now, can I come in? Because I have a lot that I want to say. I have a lot that I need to say.”
“No, Alicia.” I shake my head hard. “That’s not why I’ve answered the door. I don’t want you to disturb the neighbors anymore because they haven’t done anything to deserve it.”
She rolls her eyes and shoves in to me, unexpectedly and with a surprising amount of drunken power, and Alicia storms in to my living room like she belongs there. I made the snap decision that opening up the door would be the best way to get rid of her but now I’m filled with immediate regret. I should have just stuck to my original plan and stayed hidden.
“Ben. Before you start, and I can already see that you are going to by that look on your face, I just want to talk.” She waves her hands around in a stupid drunken fashion. “I have some things that you have not let me say when we broke up and it isn’t fair. I haven’t had closure.”
Closure. Fucking hell, is she kidding me? She wants closure now all of a sudden? If that was the case then so be it, but that isn’t it at all. I know Alicia well enough to understand that she wants back under my skin. This is just another chance for her to try again.
“I don’t think we have anything left to say,” I reply coldly with my arms folded across my chest. “It’s been four months, what else is left? Too much time has passed.”
“No.” She shakes her head so hard that her hair is messier than before. “No, you might have said everything that you needed to say to me, but I haven’t and that’s my problem. I never got to say anything. I didn’t…” She pauses to hiccup a couple of times. “I didn’t even get to tell you that I still love you. That I will always love you. That me and you should be together.”
“What?” I should have been expecting that, but I wasn’t. “No, that isn’t what we’re talking about. We aren’t talking about feelings in that way because it’s done. It’s been done for a very long time. Just like I told you very clearly way back when. Do you remember that?”
She huffs loudly. “I don’t want to remember that. You shouldn’t either because that was a horrible conversation. I don’t even know where you were coming from with all of that nonsense about us not being right for one another. No one has ever been as right for me as you.” She reaches out and grabs my hand, but I immediately snatch it away. It’s horrible to be so cruel but it’s clear that if I give Alicia even an inch of attention, she will run a mile with it. “Me and you were perfect together and we could be again if you would only give us a chance.”
“No,” I shoot back firmly. “I still stand by everything I said to you then.”
“What and you are willing to walk away from a year and a half just like that?” She tosses her hands in the air in frustration. “You aren’t willing to give us one last chance? Because I have learned. Things will be different this time around. Better. I will be better. I promise.”
In a weird way, that would be easy, wouldn’t it? I don’t want to back slide but just for a second I see why people do. Better the devil you know, and all that. I understand Alicia now. I’m not totally blind to her like I used to be. But… no, no way. There isn’t a chance.
“I don’t want you to change for me, Alicia,” I tell her wearily. “I don’t want that at all. I just don’t want any of this anymore. You can understand that, right? Don’t keep fighting for it.”
More arguments spew out of her mouth, but I tune them out. Now, I’m just focused on how the hell I’m going to get her out of here without too much drama. Should I just call her a cab and try and convince her that she called it herself? I’m certainly not letting her crash here even if she passes out on the couch. I need her out of here. Lies and excuses spill through
my brain as I try to work out which one to go with. Something has to work, doesn’t it?
Then all of a sudden, another idea pops in to my mind. A cheeky tactic that I haven’t tried yet. It might well be worth a try. It could even work. “Actually. Alicia, you can’t be here anymore, because I have a new girlfriend and she won’t like it if I have an ex hanging around, you know…”
Oh God. As soon as those words leave my mouth, I realize again that I have made a mistake. Alicia is ranting now, screaming. I wouldn’t be surprised if the police ended up here at the door and I get arrested because of the yelling. Maybe a night in jail is what I need. It might well be the only chance I get away from Alicia. Perhaps then she will leave me alone forever.
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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084M2R587
