by M. Robinson
The sensations of his fingers replaced the uncomfortable feeling of his thrusts.
“Does that feel good?” he grunted into my mouth.
“Yes… yes… please don’t stop.”
It didn’t take long for the tension and friction to reside and for the desire and heat to return.
“God… you feel good… so tight… so wet…”
I was consumed by his dirty words that sounded like poetry. His fingers controlled me, as he never stopped playing with my sensitive bundle of nerves. And the tip of his dick repeatedly hit something deep inside of me that left me feeling like I needed to pee, but in the very best way possible. Separately, every sensation had the ability to leave me senseless. Combined, I knew they would leave me shattered beneath him.
The room once again spun and I felt like my entire body was covered in a thin layer of sweat. My back arched off the bed and my eyes rolled to the back of my head.
I screamed out his name, “Landon…”
He followed suit but breathed out, “I love you,” as he released his seed deep inside me.
And it was the first time…
I fucking hated hearing those words.
The bar was exactly what I had assumed it would be, perfect.
“Honey, are you sure you want to do this?” Mom asked.
“Yes,” I simply replied, looking over all the paperwork on my mom’s dining room table.
She sighed, grabbed my hands, and pulled the document away from me.
I shook my head in confusion. “What are you doing?”
“Devon, why? Why are you doing this?”
I leaned back in my chair and folded my arms over my chest. “What do you mean, why?”
“Is this what you want? Do you want to own and run a bar?”
I cocked my head to the side. “Of course; it’s an amazing opportunity.”
“For who?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t do that. Don’t blow me off… I’m worried about you.”
“Yeah… well I worry about you guys,” I replied without thinking.
“I knew it. That’s why you’re doing this, isn’t it? It’s for us.”
“Yes! It’s for you; now can you give me the damn document so I can sign it and fax it back to her?”
“No! I will do no such thing. I cannot allow you to do this, Devon; it’s not right.”
“It is right, Mom; that’s the problem.”
“I never asked for this.”
“You didn’t have to. Your beaten face and body said it for you.”
She jerked back, hurt.
“Fuck… I’m sorry.” I leaned forward and grabbed her hand. “I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes you did.” She nodded. “And you have every right to. I can’t tell you how much it hurts me—”
I immediately got up. “I don’t want to do this,” I scolded, walking to the fridge.
“Well… we have to do this, Devon. I’m sorry, but he’s been gone for nine years and I’m not an idiot. I know you’re not taking your medication, I know you’re not going to your therapist.” She stepped out in front of me. “And I sure as hell know you’re not sleeping. So yes! We need to talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to say, I have nothing to say. I’m taking the bar and that’s it. You have no say in this, Mom. I’m an adult; I’ve been one for as long as I can remember… Now please, just relax and drop it.”
“Devon.”
“Mom.”
She sighed. “Please, talk to me. I know… okay? I am well aware of your nightmares and everything that goes on in your head, okay? It goes on in mine, too. You need to give me a chance, baby; you need to let me in. You cannot keep this inside anymore; it’s not healthy for you.”
“I’m not keeping anything inside. I’m fine.”
“That’s what you say, but I see it and I feel it, Devon; I’m your mother. I lived through it, just as much as you did if not more. Now please, talk to me.”
“Oh my God, you want the truth? I’ll give you the truth. The truth is I need to take over this bar, not just for me, but for you and the girls.”
“It’s not your response—”
“YES! It is. Jesus Christ, Mom, who’s going to pay for the girls’ college? Huh? What about cars? And what about when they want to get married? Huh? Let alone everything else that comes in between. That bastard’s life insurance only covers so much and we spent most of it buying this house so you wouldn’t have to worry about a mortgage. You know their health insurance is going to run out when they’re eighteen, who’s going to pay for that? Lauren and I were lucky to get scholarships; I don’t think we’ll be that lucky with Alexis and Liv. You don’t make that much money at the office. You know it and I know it.”
“It’s my problem!”
“It’s our problem! It’s been our problem since I was sixteen. I don’t want them to have anything other than a perfect fucking life! Nothing of what I had. They won’t grow up like that. I won’t allow it.”
“What about you, Devon? What about you?”
“I’m fine. I love you; Mom, and I love my sisters, more than anything. Life hands us cards and these are mine. Now can you please… drop it?”
“I’m so sorry…”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything.”
“I married him, I had children with him, I didn’t leave him.”
“He wouldn’t have let you. You know that. He would never let us leave. He had the whole town fooled. You remember his funeral? You remember the papers? Fuck, Mom, they thought he was a God.”
She wiped away her tears and I felt like an asshole.
“Please, don’t cry. I can’t take it when you cry.”
“I don’t know how I got to this place, baby, but I can’t help but feel like I have failed you.”
“You haven’t failed me. You haven’t failed anyone. I want to help take care of you guys. It’s not a burden to me.”
“Devon, it may not be a burden now… but what about in the future… when you have a family of your own? When you want your own life… what about then? I don’t want you to look back on your life and regret the choices you made because you had to, not because you wanted to. Do you understand me? It’s not fair to you, none of this is.”
“It doesn’t matter because right now, this is the best option for me and for us. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m about to graduate with my MBA and you saw the numbers, Mom; that bar makes a killing. I have some ideas to bring in more revenue. I could set us all up for life. I don’t want you to have to work for the rest of your life. You don’t have a college degree and you work at your shitty office job because the bastard never allowed you to work or do anything with your life but cook his dinner, take care of his house and his children.”
She shook her head. “God, Devon, the things that you’ve seen because of me…”
“No, Mom, because of him. The things I have seen because of him…”
I awoke the following morning in Landon’s arms. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, content and happy. I wanted to stay in his arms forever and pretend that I didn’t have to live the life that I knew was waiting for me behind my chrome gates on Star Island. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the day ahead. I needed to call my mom or get a flight out to San Jose to let her know what was going on.
I carefully removed myself from Landon’s grasp, and quickly and quietly dressed. I was sore almost everywhere and it didn’t make any sense, seeing as all I did was lay there. As soon as I was done, I took one last look at him and called a taxi as I closed his door behind me. It didn’t take long for it to arrive. I tried not to think about what lay ahead as I watched the meter run.
I paid the driver and looked at my cell phone; the time read 12:30 PM. I couldn’t believe I had slept in that long. I used the service entrance and made my way up to my room; Christine was still passed out. I took a shower and dressed in casual cotton p
ants and a tank top, tying my hair back and away from my face. After I had finished brushing my teeth, I walked back into my room and Christine was waking up.
“You whore…” she yawned.
“What?” I replied confused.
“Where were you last night?” she asked, grabbing her phone.
“How do you know I was gone?”
“Your mom came in looking for you.”
“My mom?” I asked in shock.
“Yeah… why are you looking at me like that?”
“Christine, my mom is out of town.”
“Well, she wasn’t this morning. She came in here around nine and asked me where you were.” She smiled and wiggled her eyebrows. “So where were you? You were with my brother, weren’t you?”
“Yeah… but—”
“I knew it! Did you fuck him? God, please say yes. I’m tired of you being a virgin; you make me feel like a slut because I’ve been having sex for a year and you’re holding on to your v-card like it’s a fucking Academy Award or something.” She cocked her head to the side. “Why are you looking at me like that? Oh my God, was he bad? Did he suck? Did you not get off?”
“No…”
“You didn’t get off? What the fuck is wrong with him? Oh my God, I’m going—”
“Christine, shut up, it has nothing to do with that.”
“Then why do you look like your hamster just died? He died like three years ago, and I told you not to feed him that much. I swear he died of an eating overdose.”
I rolled my eyes, trying not to laugh.
“Whatever, as long as you got your cookies and I don’t have to bitch-slap my brother for being an inconsiderate prick.” She put her hands in the air. “But don’t tell me the details; I hear enough about it at school. I know he has a huge cock… yada… yada… yada…” She got off the bed and grabbed her shoes. “Yay! I didn’t throw up, cool points for me.” She kissed my cheek. “I love you, thank you for looking out for me. Derrick just pulled up.”
“Derrick?”
“Yeah… we made up. Peace in the Middle East, sista, and go sit in a warm bath so that your vagina doesn’t feel like it took a pounding from King Kong, talk later.”
My mom was home?
I walked over to my parents’ bedroom and knocked on the door. There was no answer. I looked around the house for them and it wasn’t until I heard voices coming from my dad’s office did I realize where they were. The door was ajar and I stood behind it.
“Robert, do you think she knows?”
“Honey, I don’t know.”
“Goddamn it, Robert. How could you be so careless? Why on earth would you let that woman in our home?”
“Baby, you know I would never do that. She showed up; what was I supposed to do?”
What the fuck?
“I don’t know, Robert, ask her to leave!”
“Please calm down.”
“Calm down? You want me to calm down? Jesus Christ, do you not realize that Brooke could know that you have another family, that you have another life? Does that not matter to you?”
Oh my God, I’m going to throw up.
“Yes, Abbie, I am fully aware of what is going on. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? That doesn’t help anything now! When I agreed to this, Robert, when I agreed to your lifestyle and your indiscretions, it was on three conditions. Do you remember those? Huh?”
“Of course I do...”
“Well then let me remind you again! You would ALWAYS put our marriage, children, and love first and foremost. ALWAYS!”
“I know...”
“You promised me that they would never find out and neither would our friends or family, that you would take your lifestyle away from here to where it wouldn’t hurt us or anyone we knew. Do you remember what you promised me?”
“I do…”
“And you swore to me that you would always come home to me! You would never be without me! What the fuck, Robert! I can’t believe you!”
“Jesus, Abbie, I know, baby, I know… I’m so fucking sorry, but we don’t know that she knows anything. You’re jumping to conclusions.”
“She’s not here! Her best friend is here, but she is not, Robert, and you said you heard something. You said you heard people! Christine could barely move to answer a question this morning and the help was given the weekend off, so there is no other explanation other than Brooke being home and seeing you or hearing you with that woman!”
“Can you just calm down, please?”
I couldn’t take it anymore, I had heard enough. I stepped away from the door and left. I got in my car and just drove around with nowhere in particular to go. My cell phone rang endlessly and text messages plagued me; I finally had to turn off my damn phone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or listen to what anyone had to say.
I couldn’t believe what I had heard. My mom knew about it and she didn’t care.
“As long as you come home to me…”
“Always put our marriage first…”
“Always put our children and love first…”
“You promised me…”
It echoed and repeated itself in my ears, making them ring and bleed with deceit. My mind was racing with thoughts, one right after the other, attacking its way into my heart and making me feel a loss. I felt like someone had died. That’s the best way to describe it; I mourned something I didn’t understand.
I wept and brushed away all my tears, exactly the way my mom had done with my dad’s indiscretions.
I found myself by the pier on South Beach. I sat underneath it for hours, contemplating life. How ironic that at sixteen, I was rationalizing life and all its glory. I didn’t want my life to change, not with my parents nor my friends. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to feel like the normal sixteen-year-old girl that I was when I woke up the day before. Excited that it was my birthday and that I had received a car. I wanted to end the summer and go into my junior year being captain of my squad and starting to look at colleges. All of the normal stuff, I didn’t want it taken away from me just as everything else had.
I knew that if I told my parents that I was aware of it all then nothing of what I wanted would happen; everything would change, not just my outlook on love and marriage, but my life as well. My relationships with everyone would become corrupted and molded into something that I didn’t even want to think about. I wasn’t a coward. I would have been fully able to confront both of them, but a huge part of me didn’t want to.
I was exhausted. And I guess I was also selfish because as much as I knew the truth, as much as I knew that it was lies and deceit tainted with I love you’s and promises of tomorrow… and you’re the only one… it didn’t matter because it was mine. It was mine to do with as I saw fit. I had the problem in the palm of my hand and the only solution I could conjure up was to make it all go away.
And by that, I mean to keep my goddamn mouth shut.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…
And so is the truth.
“Mommy, will you play with me?”
“No, honey, not right now. I need to get dinner ready for your dad. You play by yourself, okay? Like a good boy.”
Lauren was taking a nap or she would play with me, and Mommy still had Alexis baking in her tummy or maybe she would play with me, but I didn’t think so because when Lauren was a baby, she didn’t do anything beside sleep, cry, and poop.
Maybe my daddy would play with me?
Nah… he never played with me. He was always busy or mad. I didn’t understand why he was always mad; we never did anything, especially mommy, she was the best ever.
“Sweetie, I’m home,” Dad said from the front door.
He was in a good mood; maybe he would play.
“Hey, little man,” Dad’s partner Mark said, kneeling down to pat my head and look at my cars. I liked Mark; he was nice and he always played with me.
“Hi, Mr. Mark, do you want to play?”
“I sure d
o, let me just wash my hands and I’ll be right back, okay?”
I happily nodded.
“Hello, honey,” Mom greeted. She was wearing one of her new white dresses that we bought last week. She said it was for daddy.
He smiled and kissed her on the mouth but then his eyes did some weird twitching thing.
“What are you wearing?” he whispered loud enough for me to hear while holding onto the back of mommy’s neck. She didn’t look too comfortable with how he was holding her; her body was stiff and her face wasn’t normal.
She looked at me and smiled, and it made me feel better. “Oh, I bought it for you,” she replied.
“Well, you look like a—”
“All right, little man; all washed up. You ready to play?” Mark announced, coming into the room and Daddy immediately let go of Mommy, smiling over at us.
“Dinner is almost ready,” she added.
“It’s not ready yet?” Dad replied.
“Oh, come on, Rick; she has two kids to look after and one on the way. Cut her some slack; your house looks beautiful. I bet she spent all day cleaning for you and she still looks like a million bucks. I need to find me one of you, Jasmine,” he stated, winking.
“She does … doesn’t she,” Dad said in a tone that I didn’t like, but Mark didn’t say anything, so maybe it was just me.
We played for a while and then we ate dinner at the table. Dad said I had to eat all of my broccoli before I was allowed to leave the table. I hated broccoli, but I ate it anyway. I helped mom clean up and dad walked Mark out to his police car. He thanked my mom for dinner and patted me on the head again before he left.
I was being really careful with the dishes, but one got away from me and hit the floor with a crash.
“Oh no…” Mom remarked.
“It’s okay, Mommy, I fix it.”
“You little shit!”
I looked up at my dad, who looked angry, and my mom stepped out in front of me.
“It was an accident, honey. Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up.”
