by M. Robinson
“Fucking tell me!” I yelled clear across the room.
She jolted. “Brooke… I’m so sor—”
“No… you don’t get to say that to me! You don’t get to pretend to feel remorse. You can’t stop this with apologizes or excuses. Tell me the truth! Tell me!” I winced from the impact of my abrasiveness.
“I love him,” she simply stated.
My eyes instantly watered. “So… that makes it okay, that makes it alright what he does to you? The fact that his dick can’t stay in his pants. How can you let him do this to you?”
Her eyes watered, too.
“Do you have any idea what you have done to me? Do you even fucking care? You knew! You know! You’ve always known that I knew the truth. But you didn’t care; you didn’t say anything to me. Why? Why would you do that to me?” I bellowed, the tears sliding down my face making it hard to breathe or to see.
She bit her cheek and took in a deep breath. “I was ashamed.”
I sucked in air, winded by her short, yet detailed answer. I disgustingly shook my head. “You have no idea what you’ve done to my life! It was so much easier for you to ignore me, and keep pretending that your marriage is nothing, but a fucking lie!” I brutally shouted.
Tears ran down her face. She didn’t wipe any away as if she was wearing them proudly. “That’s where you’re wrong. Our marriage is not a scam, Brooklyn. I love your father, and he loves me,” she justified, but it meant nothing.
Nothing ever would again.
I stunningly chuckled, surprised by my reaction as well. “Are you fucking kidding me? Where is he? Huh? Where is Daddy? Is he with Charlotte? Or with VIP?”
She didn’t answer, and that’s when I knew she didn’t know either.
“This is so fucked up. He uses you! He uses you because you let him! You’re nothing to him! Do you understand me? NOTHING! You want to know how I know? Because I’m him, Mom! You’re looking right at him when you look at me. AND that’s why you couldn’t tell me because you fucking knew it. So you pretended to live in the fake fairytale you’ve created in your mind.” I wrapped my arms around my body, suddenly feeling cold and alone.
“You hide. You hide just like me,” I consciously added. “You want to know the truth? You want to know what I have become? What you made me become?” I threatened, wanting to inflict pain. The same aching I was feeling.
“That’s fucking enough,” I heard him roar from behind me. I closed my eyes, and waited for the storm to wash over me. I was sitting in the eye of it, awaiting the mass destruction that would wreak havoc on my being. It would take me right along with it, and I would let it.
“You will not talk to you mother like this, Brooklyn, do you understand me? You will not hurt her or disrespect her,” he ordered in a fatherly tone that made me sick.
I turned around and looked deep into his broken eyes that mirrored mine. “No… that’s your job.”
My mother gasped, and my father’s mouth parted.
I wiped away my tears for the first time since I walked through the door. “Why? Please… tell me… why do you do this to her? How can you use her the way you do? She sits here and waits for you! How can you hurt her that way? Are you that fucking cold?” I openly sobbed. My chest burned with the vigor of my words.
“I’m not going to lie to you. You’re much too old to be told anything, but the truth. I should have told you years ago, but I didn’t, and I will have to live with that regret. I love you. You. Your mother. Your sisters. Are my whole world. Do you understand me? I would die for any of you. I love your mother she’s the reason I wake up every morning.”
I scuffed. “You have a shitty way of showing it.”
He nodded. “You’re right. But it doesn’t make it any less true. I’m not saying what I do is right. I’m well aware that it is wrong. However, I have never lied to her. Since day one I have been honest, and what we approve of in our marriage is our business, Brooklyn. It has nothing to do with you.”
“Yes—”
“No,” Mom interrupted, placing her hands on my shoulders. “It doesn’t. We live our lives according to the way we see fit. I’m sorry we don’t have better answers for you. I wish I could take away your confusion and pain. The only thing we have to give, is that we love each other.”
I backed away from her, from both of them. “I’m just like you. Did you know that, Daddy?” I mocked, catching myself on the kitchen island. “I hurt the people I love. I make them bleed for me, and take their loyalty and devotion. I take their hearts. And then I stomp all over them. I hate myself.”
“Baby…” Mom whispered, in a heartening voice.
“I hurt him. I hurt him so fucking bad. I didn’t mean to. I swear I didn’t. I don’t know how it got so out of hand. I love him. I love him so fucking much that it hurts to live without him. What am I supposed to do now? How do I breathe without him? How do I go back to living in a world where I was alone?”
“You’re not alone. I love you, we love you,” Dad interjected, creeping closer to me.
I felt like I was standing in quicksand, and it was taking me under, along with anyone who was with me. Their hands felt torrid and crude, when they tried to touch me.
To comfort me.
To love me.
I shoved them away as hard as I could, but it didn’t faze them. They didn’t move an inch when I wanted them to move a mile. They fought me, until my legs gave out, and my mind shut down. I took them down with me, all together in a pile of penitence. When I couldn’t fight them any longer because they wouldn’t allow me to push them away; I lay my head in my mothers lap, and my body was displayed over my father. She rubbed my head and he wrapped his arms around me.
I bawled like a newborn baby.
I cried an ocean of tears.
I drowned among the sobs.
They held onto me the entire time. Never letting go. Until I believed that I wasn’t alone. It gave me hope in a moment of nothing, but despair. It gave us repentance.
Love is blind.
Love is selfish.
Love makes us stupid.
L-O-V-E, a four-letter word that means something different to everyone.
All sides of love.
The different shades and colors.
I would never get the answers to the questions that I sought.
It is what it is…
But for the first time my mind was at peace. I surrendered to the unknown possibilities of the future.
With my family.
With VIP.
And especially with Devon.
Everyone says love hurts, but you never imagined what it was going to feel like, until it was too late. I wanted to believe in something so badly that it ended up destroying both of us. I couldn’t save her, as much as she couldn’t save me. Love is a vicious cycle, an endless stream of emotions and feelings that are exhausting, and before you knew it… it’s ended. And you had no idea where it even began.
Everything blended together in a huge cluster of what ifs and maybe somedays.
I walked out of Madam’s condo, and ran. I ran with nowhere in particular to go. I found myself on the beach, alone. My mind was overwhelmed. I sat there, and watched the waves of the water gravitating its way onto the shoreline. All the beautiful sandcastles that people may have spent hours building, gone with one swift of a wave. Taking down everything in its path.
The beauty that someone spent time creating… disappeared, in the blink of an eye. Although, it didn’t take away the desire for someone to be back the next day to build them again. Just so someone could see it.
That was Brooke.
I wasn’t proud of what I had done to her. The way I treated her was one of the worst things I had ever done to anyone. It made me sick to think about it. I wish I could tell you that if I had a chance to go back, I would have changed things. The truth is I probably wouldn’t have. That realization was a hard pill to swallow.
We learned from our mistakes, however, to me… she wo
uld never be one of them.
I hated knowing that I had hurt her in a way that was unforgivable. I didn’t want to be that man. It put me on the same playing field as my father, and that gutted me. I was hurt and I was confused, which is a deadly combination for anyone. Especially, a man like me.
I was tired.
I was exhausted.
Of life…
Of love.
Of the things we couldn’t change, but wished we could. Everything happens for a reason, it leads us to where we’re supposed to be.
It brings us home.
I truly believed that. I always had, but in that moment… I didn’t know what was real, and what was fiction.
That scared me more than anything.
I always thought I was in control when I was with Brooke. Every second of every day, we had spent together.
I wasn’t.
Neither one of us were.
We were both like the waves, taking down the beautiful creations in our paths. Maybe we were doomed from the start.
Can two broken people really heal each other?
We hoped that it wouldn’t matter, but it did. It overshadowed the beauty that was us.
What did I expect?
I knew what she did for a living. I knew what I was getting myself into. She never lied to me. From day one she told me she was a VIP. We weren’t exclusive. There were no rules, promises, or expectations to whatever we were doing. And it took for me to feel alone for the first time in my life, to realize that I was wrong.
An eye for an eye.
I hurt her so she could feel what it was like when she hurt me. I was no better than her. No better than any man who would treat a woman the way I had.
I was just as lost as she was. Pretending I knew my way home.
I didn’t.
I still don’t.
I wanted a home with her. I wanted the fairytales that I told my baby sisters over the years. The happily ever after that I promised they would get.
They did.
I was the one still living in the past. Unable to forgive myself for the sins I believed I had committed. I wasn’t the villain in that scenario; I was the hero.
How did it take me this long to figure that out?
I sat there all night, thinking, reminiscing, and forgiving…
Myself.
Brooke.
Our actions, the consequences.
Our beginning, our ending.
I watched the sunrise with fresh eyes, even though I hadn’t slept. The start of a new day cleansed my soul.
However, old habits die hard. Anytime anger, hurt, and confusion are involved, they’re a deadly combination that could destroy anyone, if it goes uncontrolled. And I had yet to learn that…
I picked myself up and went home.
“Mommy,” Ethan yelled, running to her as she walked through my living room.
“Hey, baby, oh my God you’re getting so big, Ethan, I’m not going to be able to carry you much longer.”
He laid his head on her shoulder. “No,” he giggled.
She placed him back on the ground, and he went back to playing with his cars. We both stared at him for a few minutes, enjoying his innocence. If only things could be that easy.
She looked over at me and sighed. “You look like shit.”
I smiled. “Always such a conversationalist.”
“Are you even sleeping?”
I shrugged.
“I told you, Devon, I warned you.”
“Christine…”
“She’s always been like that. She’s a broken girl. She doesn’t know how to be any other way.”
“Yeah…”
“When’s the last time you saw her?”
“A month or so ago, it doesn’t matter. We’re over. I don’t even think we ever began. It was a mistake on both our parts,” I explained, leaning onto the arm of my couch.
“Alexis said you went on a date.”
I laughed. “I wouldn’t call it that. She kept badgering me. You know how she gets. I finally just said yes to shut her up.”
“How did it go?” she asked, folding her arms on her chest.
“I’m not ready. She was nice.”
She nodded, understanding.
“I know it’s over… Brooke and I. It’s going to take me some time to move past things, especially with the way we ended it. Or I ended it,” I clarified. “We were wrong for each other from the start, and I can’t really blame her. I knew what I was getting myself into.”
“Brooke has always had that entrancing allure about her. I mean Landon… he was messed up for a while. They ended things badly too.”
“I’m not Landon, Christine.”
“I know that. You’re much stronger than he is, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t worry about you. Devon, you’re not sleeping, I can tell. That’s not good for you.”
“It’s been a rough few weeks, can you at least give me that.”
“Of course I can, but that’s not an excuse. You need help. Why can’t you just accept that? There’s nothing wrong with admitting defeat.”
I rolled my eyes. “There’s nothing to admit, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Trust me. It’s over. I know that now. It doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt, because it does. I hope she’s happy and taking care of herself, that’s all I can wish for.”
“Just promise me that you will think about getting help, okay?”
I nodded and she smiled.
“Okay, baby, we got to go,” she stated, looking over at Ethan.
I walked them out to her car, and buckled Ethan into his car seat. “I love you, buddy, I’ll see you in a few days.” I kissed his head, closed the door, and turned to face Christine.
“I’m always here if you need anything. You know that, right?” she honestly questioned.
“Of course I do.”
“Okay.” She pulled me into a hug and I kissed her cheek.
“Be good and stay out of trouble,” I said, pulling away.
“Where’s the fun in that?” she laughed.
I watched them leave, and retreated back into my house. Christine wasn’t exaggerating; I did look like shit. I hadn’t been sleeping, too much plagued my mind. The more time went by, the guiltier I felt for what I had done to Brooke. It was eating me alive. I hated knowing I caused her distress and harm, but there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. It was already done. I put the nail in the coffin.
We were over, and I knew that.
All that was left for me was to move forward.
That’s all I could do.
A month and a half had gone by since I had last seen him. I thought about him everyday… mostly at night. There’s something about the night that made me feel more vulnerable and exposed. I didn’t know if it was the fact that I was alone. Ysabelle stayed at The Cathouse most nights, but sometimes she would stay with me. We had been working diligently together, and so far there hadn’t been any problems.
Madam was in a rehabilitation center. I never brought up the fact that she fucked me over, though I could see it in her eyes.
She knew, I knew.
It was much easier to sweep it under the rug. I worked the business side of VIP, and I hadn’t been with another client since the night with Devon. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, and it made me nauseous just thinking about it. The thought of another man’s hands on me… it didn’t matter that the last time his hands were on me… I deserved it.
I earned every word, every touch, and every action in that bathroom.
It was my consequence.
And now when I looked in the mirror, I allowed myself to see the broken girl I tried so desperately to hide from for decades.
They say time heals all wounds.
Only the future will tell.
For now…
“He had front row seats to the performance of a lifetime.”
She cried…
I looked deep into her eyes, all the love and adoration was still very much alive
. Breathing around her. It surrounded her, it engulfed both of us, and I could see it clear as day. Except mine was gone… I wanted to be her dark cloud.
I wanted to ruin her.
I wanted to hurt her.
I wanted to destroy her.
Every time I grabbed her, and touched her, my body burned with hatred. There was no love. She didn’t deserve it. She would get everything that was coming to her, and it gave me satisfaction that she was crying. That she was crumbling before me.
That I was hurting her.
I needed her on the ground, shattered into millions of pieces, so that she could never be able to put herself back together again.
It was her punishment. For her sins.
The more tears that fell from her beautiful face, the stronger it made me feel. The more empowered and superior my heart grew. She would be nothing after this.
Nothing.
I wouldn’t allow it.
“Taking every last bit of love he had for her with them.” I bit her lip till I tasted blood. It nourished my soul. It made me feel alive.
Keep going… I told myself.
Kill her like she killed you.
Make her feel your pain.
No one hurts you, and gets away with it.
Use her.
Break her.
“Who she belongs to. Except it’s a lie. She’s a VIP. She’s a whore.”
Her skin felt heavenly, but I knew it was a lie. It was always a lie. She was one big lie. Everywhere I caressed her it left behind a bruise. Each bruise symbolized another lie.
“She ran from her prince charming. He cornered her in the bathroom.”
Her body was bleeding, pouring out of her. There was blood everywhere.
Where did that come from?
“And then he fucked her against the wall.”
She bawled, we were drowning in a pool of her tears.
Keep going…
You’re almost there. I heard myself say.
Was that my voice?
“Does that feel good? Hmmm?” He asked her, always the nice guy.
