by Dawn Edwards
When Matt sat down, the distinct dinging of the phone caused him to ask, ‘You need to get that, sweetheart?’
She shook her head. ‘Naw, probably just Zoe freaking out.’
I smiled and suppressed a laugh. So she had sent Zoe a picture of me. Interesting.
I looked up to Steve, trying to make small talk. ‘So, is it true, is she really an Olympian?’
‘She sure is,’ Steve answered. ‘She’s so bright and ambitious. She’s a true asset to the company.’
‘And just the sweetest girl, we are so happy she and Jessa hit it off,’ Colleen added, and I noticed a sly look that both Breton and Jessa exchanged. I didn’t know either of them well, but I could already tell the two of them were thick as thieves.
‘She’s training for the next summer Olympics, she just left this afternoon for Argentina.’ Jessa said, speaking for only the second or third time tonight. Matt looked at her, and I could tell he wasn't impressed she was speaking to me. I didn’t know if it was just me, or all guys. She tensed but continued. ‘She’s been, like, everywhere for worlds and qualifiers this past year. I don't know how she does it, juggling school, work, training, meets.’
‘Discipline,’ Jessa’s father said, looking at Breton, who rolled his eyes at his uncle.
‘I get it…’ he moaned, picking at his dessert with his fork. ‘I’m meeting with my advisor tomorrow.’
‘Do you ever go with her?’ I asked Jessa.
‘Why would she?’ Matt cut in giving me a death stare.
‘Oh,’ I looked around the table. ‘I thought you guys were friends.’
‘She’s my best friend,’ Jessa confirmed in a low voice.
I nodded, feeling the tension and seeing the worried faces on the people around the table.
‘You don’t need to put ideas into her head,’ Matt warned me. ‘She doesn’t need to be hopping all over the globe, she knows her place.’
Wow. I leaned back, surprised at what had just come out of his mouth.
Steve cleared his throat. ‘We all went with her family to worlds last year in Atlanta to support her. But really, she’s so busy, we are more of a distraction to her.’
I nodded in agreement at Steve, ignoring Matt’s controlling comment, as did everyone else.
After dessert, I joined Steve in his home office to give him updates and go over the details that Colleen and I had discussed regarding designs. I appreciated that he was interested in the work I was doing and not just leaving me to get on with it; it provided me with the opportunity to highlight some of my different skill sets—and I was all about trying to make a good impression on him.
After the meeting, Steve took a phone call as I left his office. Walking by the kitchen, I noticed Jessa was sitting at the island with a textbook in front of her, eating ice cream from the container.
I walked in, wanting a few moments alone with her to apologize for earlier. I knew to be in a relationship with someone like that wasn’t easy, and my comments earlier likely made that harder for her tonight.
‘Mint chip?’ I asked her, walking into the kitchen.
She looked up at me and blushed as if she were embarrassed. ‘I didn't know you were still here.’
I looked at the ice cream. ‘Do you share?’
She pushed the container closer to me. ‘Spoons are next to the sink.’ I turned around and opened the first drawer and took out a spoon, then leaned over the counter across from her and took a spoonful. ‘I have no right eating all this myself anyway,’ she said.
‘Why?’ I asked with a full mouth. ‘It’s delicious.
She looked down at her body and shrugged. She was insecure about her body, she didn’t even have to say it. My ex had some extra weight, so I knew all about the insecurities.
‘Don’t let him dictate how you should look,’ I told her in a low voice. ‘Be comfortable and confident in who you are.’
She didn’t look up to me when I said it, but I know she heard me. I reached across the island and put the spoon under her chin, forcing her to look at me. ‘He’s an asshole, I hope you can see that.’
She nodded when I took the spoon away. ‘Besides,’ I winked at her, taking another huge spoonful of her ice cream, ‘some guys like curves.’
She pulled the container back. ‘And some chicks don't like to share.’
I dipped my spoon in, despite her holding it close. ‘Oh, I never share,’ I flirted, and I hoped she could read between the lines.
‘That’s too bad,’ she whispered and hung her head low, but I could hear her laughing.
I laughed too. ‘You are absolutely right.’
She looked up at me, our eyes locked for a few moments.
Her phone dinged next to her, causing her to look down. ‘I should get back to studying, I have my final exam for the term tomorrow.’
‘So, you’re not at work tomorrow?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘Monday.’
I stood there for a few moments, not wanting to leave. ‘Can I see the pic you took of me earlier?’
‘W…What?’ Her eyes went wide, and she blushed redder than I had ever seen her blush. And this girl blushed a lot. God, she was magnetic. Thankfully, I was standing behind a counter hiding the growth in my jeans.
I smiled. ‘I saw you snap a pic of me,’ I said casually. ‘Can I see it?’
Her mouth hung open, as if in shock. I went to reach for her phone, and she snatched it off the counter before I could.
‘Something to hide, cupcake?’ I flirted with her.
‘No,’ she said, holding out her phone to me that I knew would be locked, so taking it would be useless.
I leaned in farther, pulling out my phone. ‘I’ll show you my spank bank if you show me yours?’
She gasped.
‘Too far?’ I asked, hoping I didn’t cross a line.
She laughed and closed her textbook. ‘I didn’t think you were that old...seriously, still using photos?’ She stood up and looked at me over her shoulder. ‘I much prefer video.’
This time it was my mouth that hung open.
‘Too far?’ she asked, mocking me.
‘Never,’ I said watching her put the ice cream away then following her out of the kitchen to the bottom of the stairs.
I reached out and grabbed her elbow. ‘One second, yeah?’ I said, ‘Can I give you my number?’ I asked it in a low voice so no one else in the house would overhear us. ‘I’m not sure what’s going on with...your relationship, but even an outsider like me can see it’s not healthy. If you ever need me, my help, advice, or a shoulder, I’m here. I know you don’t know me, but maybe that will make it easier for you to speak about it. I just don't want you to feel isolated.’
I looked straight at her, seeing her eyes glisten. ‘508-555-5372,’ she stated her number in a low monotone voice.
I took out my phone and programmed her number then sent her a text so she had my number.
Unknown: Please don’t cry.
She looked down when it dinged, seeing my message on the screen. She looked back up to me, a single tear rolling down her face. I wiped it away with my thumb. ‘Goodnight, cupcake.’
I couldn't take seeing her cry, I had to turn and leave.
Chapter 6
JESSA
MY FATHER HAD BUSINESS meetings in Europe. My mother took advantage of the opportunity to join him and take in the sights, which really translated into a bit of European shopping to stock up on new designer threads for the upcoming summer season. With a minimum of two social engagements a week from the end of May ‘till the start of September, and not wanting to be caught dead in the same thing twice, there were a lot of outfits that would be needed.
I didn’t want to be at the condo, but Matt insisted that things remained looking normal. God, I must be Oscar-worthy if I was fooling anyone into thinking things were good between us. He also wanted me to start decorating the place.
‘I’m tired of this place, it just looks so boring and gene
ric,’ he told me over the phone last week after I told him my parents were going out of town. ‘I want you to stay here when they’re gone, I don’t like the idea of you in the big town house without them.’
‘Breton is around,’ I tried, but he saw right through it.
‘If he’s not hooking up with some random chick that night.’ He wasn’t wrong on that account.
‘I don’t know…’
‘Listen, you need to start seeing this place as yours. I think it will really help you with moving on from Josh, the townhouse is so full of him, the sooner you get comfortable and settled here, the sooner your mood will improve. I’m just looking out for you, I love you and want the best for you.’
How sweet, I was getting charming-fiancé Matt tonight. Thankfully we had been on the phone and he didn’t see my eye rolling or sour look on my face.
It was the first time I’d have the whole day alone in the condo, and it was a strange feeling that settled over me. Until now, I haven’t spent any real time in the condo at all. I had spent one night here, a few weeks after we closed on the place about two months ago when my parents had been out of town for the night.
It didn’t feel like home, not yet. Maybe it was because I hadn’t been able to put my mark on it, but I knew better. It was because I didn’t want this to be my home, not if I had to share it with Matt. I’d been putting on a brave face the past couple of months with Matt, trying to move past our differences, trying to accept the fact this was my fate. Essentially, I had no choice in the decision.
It wasn’t like my family and friends hadn’t been warning me about Matt.
Zoe was the first to point it out. I brushed it off at first, knowing they didn’t get along, and I chalked it up to her being jealous that I didn’t have as much time for her. But after a while, when she started to point things out, I did start to question it.
However, when I tried to change things, he got defensive and that’s when he took the most drastic measure of all to control and keep me. That’s when the balance of power was well and truly flipped.
Our relationship had been progressively getting worse since our engagement two months ago. Even if I didn’t want to see it at the time, deep down I knew things weren’t right and he was controlling. Just when I thought it couldn’t take any more, and I decided to step away from the toxic mess that had become my life, he went and tipped the balance to the point where he left me no room to fight back. It was the moment everything changed, the moment I knew I was stuck.
In a rare move, I drove myself to his house for a late lunch with plans of heading downtown to see the ice sculptures afterwards. I really had no intention of going, but I knew he didn’t like to spend time in his rental apartment, which was one of the reasons he wanted to purchase something soon. When he mentioned it a few months ago, before we got engaged, I started looking with him, but after the engagement, and setting our date just nine months out, he’d been more aggressive with looking for something recently.
I had been dreading the conversation all week. Feeling sick as I worked up the courage for the past half-hour to just bite the bullet and pull the trigger.
'Matt, I need a break.' Bang.
But the fact was, I’d lost so much of myself I didn’t know how much more I could give.
It was no secret that my parents weren’t thrilled with my choice. Not that I thought anyone I’d ever bring home could ever measure up to their high expectations. But I wasn’t attractive, and my money could only go so far.
Matt had tried to convince me many times that he was as good as I was ever going to get. And on some level, I knew he was right. He may have liked me as some point, but I was pretty sure he's stuck around for my trust fund.
'A vacation?' he asked me, not really looking up from his phone.
'No, Matt, we need a break,' I replied in a low voice. The fact that I was scared to upset him was telling. 'This, us, it isn’t working.'
He put his phone down on the table in his small downtown apartment where we had ordered dinner. He looked at me for a moment, and I was waiting for him to say something, but instead he stood and walked over to his sofa to retrieve his laptop.
'I think I may have something to make you change your mind.' He smirked as he sat down next to me, opening his laptop.
I eyed him, wondering what he might have. A trip, a new job that wouldn't be as stressful for him, homes he was interested in—as we had been talking about starting to look before our wedding.
He opened a file, and I instantly knew exactly what it was.
I was speechless. Rendered unable to think, let alone form words.
'I think you might reconsider?' he asked, that same smug smile on his face.
'How...' I wanted to ask, How long have you had this? but I choked.
'Jessa,' he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. 'Play nice, and we can have a happy life together.'
'But...' Where did he get it, it didn’t make sense to me.
'But nothing,' he warned. 'If you ever try to humiliate me by leaving me just as I build a name for myself, I will ruin you and your family with the click of a mouse.'
A chill ran down my spine at his brutal cold-heartedness.
'I won’t,' I whispered as a tear rolled down my cheek.
He took my hand and kissed it. ‘You love me, remember.’
I swallowed hard and nodded. ‘I know.’
‘And you know I love you, and I can’t live without you.’ He gave me a squeeze. ‘I know it’s an extreme measure, but I just love you too much to let you make a rash decision like ending our engagement.’
Since then, things had been difficult between Matt and me. He was constantly disappearing and unreachable for hours and hours on end. His temper was short, and he was taking his stress out by snapping at me every chance he got. Time and time again I contemplated calling the whole wedding off—but I knew better, I couldn’t. I didn’t think I could take the short-term embarrassment or the humiliation of being the reason my father’s reputation may be tarnished in any way.
He was golfing today, lied to my face telling me he had to go for business—it was Sunday. I wasn’t buying it and was really starting to get pissed off with him brushing me off and trying to call all the shots. I knew he had the upper hand, I just didn't know how bad it was going to get. I couldn’t believe I had been so stupid.
On the other hand, it was an entire day that he wasn’t going to be home. An entire day that I didn’t have to look at him, force conversation with him, or make up an excuse not to sleep with him. Not that it was likely he was going to try anything, he hadn’t all weekend. I was pretty sure it was due to the fact he had regular sex with his piece on the side, I had no illusions she existed.
Better her than me.
Our physical relationship had never been strong, not even in the beginning. Our first time wasn’t anything special, not mind-blowing or anything. I chalked it up to being my first time. It was not even really painful, but truth be told, Matt didn’t have much to make it painful. He wasn’t much for giving when it came to foreplay yet was all for it when it came to him receiving.
Since the first time, we’d only had sex a handful of times. Me being inexperienced and still living at home with ultra-traditional and conservative parents meant that co-ed sleepovers were few and far between. Reserved pretty much only when both my parents were out of town. I knew that I probably didn’t live up to his expectations sexually. In the beginning, I tried to keep him interested and wanting me, but I just wasn’t interested in sex. It worried me at first, I didn’t know if it was me, or him, or if our chemistry was non-existent. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone, not even Zoe. Especially Zoe.
But now, our sex life was basically non-existent, and I was completely fine with that. He sometimes mentioned it, but I always had an excuse. He’d give me a knowing look, but I was defiant. He knew why I didn’t want him, but if he forced the issue, I’d do anything to protect my family. Thankfully, he hadn
’t forced it, but I knew it would come eventually. But for now, I’d bide my time.
I’d taken to watching porn—to the point I sometimes wondered if I had a problem—to see if I could learn things to try or to spark my interest in sex. It turned me on in the privacy of my bedroom, and I was able to pleasure myself to climax. It was the only time I climaxed; Matt had never given me an orgasm.
The only person I’d ever felt a sexual attraction to was Drew. Sure, he was sexy as sin, and that likely had a lot to do with it. But he had this caring personality, a flirty character, and I couldn’t help but feel the pull to him. I’d never felt chemistry with anyone before, but in the limited interactions I’d had with the guy, I’d swear we had it.
He hadn’t texted me since the one he sent standing right in front of me, but I hadn’t texted him either. Friday, I had my exam, then spent the rest of the afternoon at a spa to unwind from the hectic pace and to mentally prepare me to spend the entire weekend with Matt.
Yesterday morning, Matt and I went out to brunch, then he went into the office for a few hours while I went shopping for some house things. We had dinner last night together and watched Netflix before heading to bed. I hadn’t really had the time alone to message Drew, and Matt would have been suspicious for sure if I’d done it in his presence as I was pretty sure I’d have been blushing the whole time.
Besides, what did I have to say to Drew? I never spoke to guys, I had no practice with flirting or dating—aside from Matt, but that just sort of happened.
As I pondered what I could say to Drew if I ever grew a set or worked up the nerve to take the first step and text him, I looked around the condo. It lacked the homey feel I was used to, which only further perpetuated my foul mood. I didn’t have the eye for detail or interior design as my mother had, but I had pretty much picked out the furnishings Matt had in his last apartment when he moved here last year, which he’d brought with him into this condo.
After I showered and dried my hair, I started on measuring the windows, recording their measurements. In total, we had eleven windows. It took longer than I had anticipated, and it took me some time to get used to using the measuring tape. But it was a great distraction, I’d do anything to take my mind off my relationship.
