Reading about what happened between us brought about a certain quality of clarity. I could have done with the book a few weeks earlier, used it as a relationship guide. Like the books you buy at the airport to help you find your way around a new country or The Dummy’s Guide to Figuring Out Your Relationship with Cal. It would have helped me avoid the part where I acted like a humongous prick and sidestep the glaringly colossal ache in my chest the moment she left.
Reading the scene where I let her go was brutal.
I had to stop.
Take a breath.
Hit myself on the head with it a few times.
I picked up the book again and flicked through the pages. One hundred and twenty-one. I’d memorised it. Knew exactly where to find it. Tortured myself rereading it.
‘Maybe one day you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for or perhaps you’ll realise you lost something even bigger and better than that.’
She was right. I’d already found what I was looking for; I just wasn’t aware that I was looking. I’d used my past as an excuse. The idea of protecting myself was hiding the real issue. I was a single man living on an island. How the hell was I supposed to fall in love, let alone meet someone? It was easy to pin past heartbreak as the excuse for being lost, lonely and alone. I’d resigned myself to the fact that love and romance would never be something that would be part of my life. It was easier that way.
I sighed and lay back in the chair, draping my feet over the arm the way Cal used to when she was reading. Her hair would be fixed up in a messy bun secured with a pencil that she would always desperately need to jot down notes. Her hair would fall around her shoulders as she removed it, and she’d laugh as I shook my head. But really, all I was thinking about was how resplendent she looked. Beautiful and pure. Her whole body coming alive as she was swept away by a new story. She was so giving, often writing on her social media pages about new authors she’d found, how impressed she was with their words and boosting their following in the process. She was a light in my life. Illuminating the dark and dreary so that it no longer existed. God, I missed her. How could I have let her go?
Her acknowledgements didn’t mention me directly. I didn’t know why I was disappointed. I had no right to be part of them. She talked about the book not having a happily ever after, that she was aware she was breaking the rules of romance. She added that it felt right to end it that way because we hadn’t followed the romance code. We did fall in love, though possibly guided. Her romantic heart liked to think that way. I bit my lip and nodded my head because I agreed. That was the only explanation. Fate. Destiny. Written in the stars. Whatever it was. Something brought us together for a reason. Why I didn’t grasp that before was something I’ll never know and would always regret.
She ended her acknowledgements with some guidance for aspiring authors. Every romance is different. Tell your story your way. This is mine. Against the rules. A feared cliffhanger. But I’m a hopeless romantic at heart and I’m still hoping for a happily ever after.
Her words stirred something inside me. I grabbed my phone from my jacket pocket, found the number I needed and pressed call.
‘Drew, it’s four in the morning.’
‘I know. I took a chance that you’d be working on something,’ I replied.
‘I am. The final proof of To Be Continued,’ he said, clearing his throat. ‘I wondered how long it would be before you rang me.’
‘Gerry, I need your help.’
‘Good. I’m glad you’ve said that because I need a follow-up to this bloody amazing book.’
Chapter 31
Cal
I hated these things with a passion. I was pretty sure most authors did. We were an introverted breed and found social events difficult to navigate. My mouth was feeling numb at the edges as I smiled wildly at everyone, wanting to give the impression I was an easy-breezy creative type who loved the limelight. Pass me a drink before I collapse. There was another reason I was feeling particularly on edge. I hadn’t heard from Drew, yet I was at the launch party for To Be Continued and I had no idea if a lawsuit was going to land in my lap at any minute. Perhaps a bloke in a suit would hand it to me as I gave my speech? Oh shit. Pass me another drink.
‘How are you doing, love?’ Mum said as she wrapped her arm around me. ‘You look shit scared.’
‘Mum! For God’s sake,’ I said as she messed with my dress. ‘Stop faffing. I’m fine.’
‘You didn’t tell me you were reading an excerpt. Is it a racy one? Do I need to cover my ears?’
‘Not too racy,’ I smiled. To be honest, I hadn’t chosen what I was going to read. Part of me wanted to slip off my heels and run for the nearest exit.
‘Cal, are you ready?’ Gerry asked, ushering me to the podium, the microphone immediately making my mouth dry.
‘Water,’ I managed to squeak out.
‘There’s a glass up there ready for you. Take a deep breath.’
‘Gerry, I don’t think I can do this,’ I replied, the walls closing in. Had someone turned up the heat?
‘Do you need a minute?’ he asked. I nodded as he pulled me under his arm and pushed through the double doors towards the hotel reception where the launch event was taking place. ‘This should be cooler for you, less intense.’
‘Cal.’
I looked up from where I was doubled over, my head between my knees in the hope I could stop the woozy feeling, but that didn’t help because standing in front of me was Drew. Sexy, suited and booted Drew. Navy. Tan brogues. Yumminess. Help.
‘Holy fuck,’ I gasped as Gerry handed me a glass of water. ‘Something stronger.’
‘Not a good idea,’ Gerry replied as he shook Drew’s hand. ‘Good to see you.’
‘Thanks for the invite,’ Drew replied, biting his lip and looking away.
‘Invite? Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked, breathless and ready to fall as the room started to spin.
‘You wouldn’t have shown up. You’d still be clinging to the lamppost in the car park.’ Gerry stepped to the side. ‘I’ll postpone the reading. Give you two time to talk.’ We both watched Gerry go back into the party and nerves bubbled to the surface again. I hadn’t seen Drew in so long. He looked delicious. Good enough to bite, and bloody hell I wanted to.
‘You’re wearing my favourite dress,’ Drew said, breaking the silence.
‘You’ve never seen this dress. I got it on Thursday afternoon after three hours of desperation on Bond Street. This was the closest thing to that’ll do I could find.’
‘It’s still my favourite,’ he replied, breaking into a smile. Damn him. He was so lovely and composed when I was ready to wobble to the floor, and I hated that looking at him transported me back to the good—to the great. All the feelings he raised in me, the laughter we’d shared. The love. I parked the anger and resentment to one side as I saw the shake in his hands, but the pain was like a sharp scratch and returned as soon as it had left.
‘I have a party to attend and an excerpt I’ve got to read, and you being here doesn’t help my nerves.’ My tone was sharp and cold, but he didn’t flinch. It was almost as if he was expecting it, had planned for it and was waiting to make his next move.
‘Which excerpt?’
‘What?’ I asked, my brows furrowing.
‘Which one have you chosen?’
‘Why does it matter?’ I asked, being purposefully ridiculous. God, I wanted him. Why was he here?
‘It matters because it’s about me. Us. I want to prepare myself.’
‘You’re not going in there, Drew. You can’t listen!’ I replied, my voice a high-pitched wail. I couldn’t fathom why I was so against it because I’d sent him a copy and he must have read it, out of curiosity if nothing else.
‘I hope it’s the part where we meet on the bench that first time. When I watched your hair blowing in the breeze and I started to wonder why things felt easy between us so quickly.’ He stepped forward. Closer. I could smell his aftershave and my
heart leapt. ‘Or maybe it’s the part where we mutually touched ourselves through our bedroom windows, wishing we had the guts to make the first move.’
‘We didn’t,’ I gasped as his finger trailed my jaw bone.
‘No, but I soon fucked you senseless against the wall. Kissed your bare thigh. Made you come.’
‘Stop!’ I shouted, holding my hand up to his mouth. His breath hitched and his lips twitched into a smile. ‘Don’t brainwash me with sexy words.’
‘Isn’t that what you’ve done to me?’ he replied, threading his hand through my hair, tilting my head, breathing me in again.
‘You let me go.’
‘Sorry,’ he whispered, pulling my head back, his mouth a breath away from mine and a deep pain in his expression. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘You hurt me. Not what you said. Not how angry you were, but because you let me walk away. You didn’t fight.’ I swallowed a sob, pinching my eyes together, and took a deep breath. ‘I want to tell you to leave me alone. Everything is screaming at me to shout it. You’ve said how humiliated you felt, how the trust has gone, how I broke it, but I haven’t told you how disappointed I am in you that you didn’t fight.’
‘Tell me to leave,’ he said, determination in his voice but fear in his eyes.
‘I can’t.’ His eyes fell to my lips. Hunger crossed his face.
‘Even if you did, I wouldn’t go.’
‘There was too much potential to walk away from,’ I said, my voice shaking. ‘A love affair that could have defined us if we let it hold us without fear of letting go.’ I shook my head, felt his hand tighten against the back of my neck. ‘How could you let me go?’
‘I didn’t let you go. I couldn’t. You were always with me, Cal. I stayed in your cottage, slept in your bed,’ he replied, shaking his head, dropping his forehead to mine. His fingers caressed my face; his body pressed tighter against mine. ‘I read the book in your reading chair for Christ’s sake.’
‘You read it?’ I whispered.
‘Of course I did,’ he smiled, his thumbs wiping away my tears. ‘In your reading spot. Just like you. I threw my legs across the arm and threaded a pencil through my messy bun.’
I laughed. Clung on tighter. Relaxed as I felt his chest rise and fall against mine. ‘Are you going to sue me?’
‘For defamation of character?’ he asked as I nodded into him. ‘I think you got me pretty bang on, to be honest. I wouldn’t stand a chance in court.’
Gerry opened the door, peering out at us. I glanced to him and he grimaced as I tried to do that weird smile through a sob smile. My make-up must have been escaping down my face and my hair was now twisted around Drew’s fist. ‘Bloody hell, Cal.’
‘I know,’ I said in a strangled voice, wiping my nose with my finger. ‘I need a minute.’
‘You need more than a minute,’ he replied rolling his eyes and disappearing back inside.
‘I shouldn’t have come here,’ Drew said. ‘I should have waited.’ He tried to smooth down my hair. ‘I’ve upset you before your big moment.’
‘Why now?’ I asked, the sting of how much time had passed suddenly biting. He looked like I’d just asked him to recite his birth date backwards and the numbers were hard to find. ‘You’ve had weeks. Weeks of sleeping in my bed, staying in the cottage…sniffing my sheets. Essentially mourning me.’
‘I didn’t sniff your sheets,’ he replied quickly. ‘Maybe once.’
‘Be serious,’ I replied. His face fell. I knew him better than anyone. The tell-tale coping mechanism of using humour to deflect the harder questions was creeping back in. ‘You had time. What I’m saying is…you had time to contact me.’
‘I needed the clarity the book gave me.’ He stared steady, honesty finally hitting us both. ‘I couldn’t make sense of my feelings before. I was too hurt. It raised too many triggers. That’s the only explanation I have.’ I backed away from him, desperately sad that the ghosts from his past had been thrown into the mix, raising my anxieties that this would never work between us because he couldn’t completely move forward. Something would always be holding him back. Panic flashed through his eyes as I let go of his hand and stepped backwards away from him. ‘Cal—’
I shook my head, bit my lip, pushed my shoulders back. Tried to get a hold of myself. ‘I don’t think you can make this work,’ I said, bumping into the door, nowhere else to hide. ‘I’m scared you won’t be able to trust me.’
‘I can, Cal. Just don’t hurt me. I still fear it,’ he replied, stepping forward.
I gasped. ‘What about hurting me?’ He looked to the floor. No answer. ‘Give me all or nothing, Drew. If you can’t give me all, I need you to go and keep away from me.’
‘I can’t!’ he shouted, looking around to see who was listening as he tried to compose himself. ‘I’ve tried and I can’t.’ He rubbed his forehead and looked anywhere but at me. ‘I shouldn’t have come here. You’re right. I let you go. I couldn’t see a good thing when I had it. Christ. Fuck. I’m sorry. I’ll go,’ he mumbled holding up his hands, but making no attempt to leave.
‘What gave you clarity?’ I asked, remembering his words. ‘You said the book gave you clarity. How?’
He cleared his throat. Glanced at me. ‘It was good to see it from your perspective. Not just my own, which has a tendency to be one-sided.’ He chuckled when I didn’t respond, and dropped his head again. ‘It helped me understand why I’d hidden away for so long—gave up on finding love. I didn’t think I deserved it. Didn’t think I could make a success of it because of the mess that went before.’
‘That wasn’t your fault,’ I replied.
‘I can validate that now. I couldn’t then. The humiliation consumed me. I was fearful to put myself in a situation where there was potential to go through that again.’ I went to open the door. ‘Wait, Cal. Hear me out.’ I let go of the door handle. ‘I still have fears.’ I closed my eyes. ‘But those fears pale in comparison to the fear of truly losing you.’ Drew took my hand and pulled me away from the door. ‘I want to do this. Give us a chance. You need fresh material to finish the duet. Readers will be messaging you in the early hours. There’ll be a hate campaign. Pitchforks at dawn. Do it for them, Cal.’
The door squeaked open. ‘Cal. I can’t put this off any longer,’ Gerry said.
‘I’ll be there in a second.’
‘Do it for them,’ Drew whispered, holding up his fist and shaking it. I laughed, unable to resist.
‘You pick your moments,’ I replied, wiping the mascara from my cheeks.
‘Meet me after. We can talk somewhere quieter. You’re going to need an alcoholic beverage after this, I’m sure.’
‘Wine. A bottle.’ He chuckled lightly.
‘I’m sorry. I knew you’d be nervous. Me coming here hasn’t…helped. I’ll go,’ he said thumbing the door.
‘Actually, I was kind of hoping…you’d stay.’
The panicked look in his eyes started to fade as a smile appeared. Bright and beautiful.
‘I’ve always loved your smile,’ I said.
‘You gave it to me,’ he replied, his hand against my face. When our lips touched, that spark of electricity I once thought only existed in the words of a romance novel, coursed through my body. I gripped his shoulder. Held myself steady. I wanted to get out of there. Run away. Pull him with me. The thought of reading an excerpt—as heat pooled between my legs and I imagined removing his suit—was going to be a bigger distraction than the crowd of faces eagerly awaiting new words.
‘That was even better than I remembered,’ Drew said, smiling between tiny kisses. His thumb stroked my lip, dragging it down, pulling it apart. Aah. I wanted his thumb to part my pussy like that. ‘Later,’ he whispered into my ear like he could read my thoughts. I pulled him closer, wrapped my arms around him, felt his hardness against my thigh. He gasped. And in the same moment, raw and honest in a different way, the need of two bodies yearning for each other, I felt a need to open my heart to him.
>
‘Don’t base what we have on your experiences of love before. That wasn’t us. I know that those things can change us. Shape us. But hearts are malleable too.’
‘You have a beautiful way with words, Cal Dixon. Has anyone ever told you that you should be a writer?’ he said, pulling my hair behind my ear, kissing the free space of skin it hid.
‘Maybe I should give it a go?’
He laughed and kissed my nose. ‘You’re perfect,’ he said, his eyes flitting across my face, a look of awe, of wonder.
The door squeaked open again.
‘I’m all for this, kids. Material for the second book is music to my ears, but I cannot hold them off any longer!’ Gerry whisper shouted. ‘Get in there and read!’
My hands were shaking. I wasn’t sure if it was the result of nerves as I started reading my words in front of eager fans or because Drew had made my body melt. I glanced at him, caught his smile, took a breath and started to read.
‘What do you want me to say, lovely Kari?’
‘I want you to ask me to stay.’
He sat up, kneeling above me, fighting the natural defences that he’d become so familiar with. ‘I can’t ask you knowing you’ll leave in a few days’ time.’
‘I can’t stay because I don’t know if you’ll ever let me in. Fully. Openly. Without hesitancy because of what happened before.’
‘I can’t promise you more, but I can give you now,’ he replied.
‘Not a future?’
‘I don’t think like that,’ he said, rolling across the bed and standing up.
‘Because you did with Claire?’
‘Yes. And she took it away.’
‘I could stay longer. See where our journey takes us,’ I replied. ‘I’m starting to think I belong in places that make me feel significant. In London, I’m a face in the crowd. Here, I feel like my life matters. Like I’m not so alone.’
‘It’s OK to do things alone,’ he replied.
‘It’s OK to do them with someone too.’ He nodded against me and sighed before kissing me. ‘I’ll take now,’ I said. ‘Now I can work with. Now is better than not at all.’
A Novel Christmas Page 24
