by Jerry Cole
He clenched his jaw and counted the MRE packets again, his thoughts chasing their tails like frenzied dogs until he couldn't find the energy to care anymore.
"Danny, look!"
Asher burst through the door in a flurry of snow, cheeks red from the cold and a grin on his face, holding a decently sized cutthroat trout. "I actually caught something!" he crowed, pleased with himself.
"I didn't doubt you for a minute," Daniel laughed, feeling his heart lift just looking at the other man. Was it friendship? Attraction? Love? Daniel still couldn't pin down any of his own feelings. "Let's see if we can't figure out a way to cook this thing."
There weren't any dishes or pans left behind, so they improvised something out of MRE wrappers. Asher, with a little difficulty, cleaned the fish, and Daniel, somewhat absurdly, made a breading for it from the MRE crackers. They watched it as it cooked like it was the most entertaining television ever aired, laughing about their luck. Then they shared it, burning their fingers and tongues as they pulled pieces of flaky white flesh away from the bone.
Huddled close to Asher's side, the sweet taste of fresh fish on his lips, Daniel could almost be glad all this had happened. He wanted to be here, right now, exactly like this. He couldn't remember a time when things had felt this right.
"I'm becoming a regular outdoorsman," Asher joked, licking his fingers clean. "When this is over, I might have to retire and become an actual trail guide."
Daniel snorted, sitting back on his hands in satisfaction, feeling full and happy. "After all this, I don't think you could pay me to follow you into the woods," he teased.
"What? I've kept you alive this long," Asher nudged him playfully, avoiding his injured shoulder. "And I'm pretty sure you'd follow me anywhere if I took my shirt off."
"You are way too impressed with your own chest," Daniel rolled his eyes, intending to nudge the other man back but only really succeeding in leaning against him. "It's not that amazing."
"It's pretty amazing," Asher nodded with exaggerated sincerity. "I mean, it managed to draw you in, didn't it? Admit it—you've been wild for it since that day we went swimming."
Daniel groaned, covering his face with his hands, but he was more amused than annoyed. When had Asher's teasing become endearing instead of annoying? When he looked up again Asher was removing his shirt to flex theatrically.
"Stop that," Daniel laughed. "You're going to hurt yourself."
"I'm fine!" Asher protested through his own laughter. "Spoilsport!"
He stopped, but only to put his arm around Daniel and muss his hair. Daniel squirmed to get away and Asher pursued him, laughing against his skin, the tug of fingers at his scalp as his hair tangled around the other man's hand. Daniel froze, realizing how close they were, and stared back into Asher's eyes, separated by only a breath. Asher realized it too, his laughter gradually fading to guilt. He pulled away slowly, his touch brushing Daniel's cheek as his hand left the other man's hair.
"Sorry," his voice was barely above a whisper as he stood, taking the bones of the fish. "I'll go and throw this away."
He turned towards the door and Daniel's heart beat in his throat, demanding he make a decision. All he could think, through the crowding anxieties, was that he didn't want Asher to go. He was standing before he knew it, throwing his arms around Asher's waist. He pressed his forehead to the space between Asher's shoulder blades and closed his eyes, clinging like he thought if he let go the other man would disappear forever.
"I'm not gonna just walk off into the snow," Asher chuckled but couldn't hide the confused distress in his voice. "You don't have to do that just to make me stay."
"I'm not," Daniel, muffled by Asher's shirt, shook his head. "Don't go. Please."
"Danny?" Asher whispered Daniel's name with a kind of reverence "Please don't give me hope where there isn't any. If you aren't sure about this—"
"I'm not scared anymore."
Asher turned in Daniel's arms to look down at him, wary but hopeful.
"I'm not scared," Daniel repeated. "I want this."
Asher had only been waiting for permission. As soon as he had it, he pulled Daniel against him and kissed him hard, his lips warm and demanding, his tongue hot as it explored Daniel's mouth. His hand at the small of Daniel's back slipped lower and Daniel gasped into the kiss as Asher seized him and squeezed, pulling Daniel higher and closer against him.
"C-careful!" Daniel stammered, breaking the kiss as he realized Asher was holding almost all his weight. "You're injured!"
Asher huffed in frustration, his hands still roaming Daniel's skin like he was starved for it, and half carried the other man towards the cot. He sat, pulling Daniel down into his lap, and kissed him again. More prepared now, Daniel returned it, testing the waters. It was an entirely different thing from kissing a woman. He felt like he had to learn how it worked all over again, patiently probing for what worked and what didn't. Asher, desperate as he was, seemed to approve of nearly everything.
The hungry graze of his teeth against Daniel's bottom lip left Daniel shivering with approval. His hands slid under Daniel's sweater, a shock of cold at first, quickly forgotten as they roamed Daniel's back, sliding along his spine, tracing the outline of his shoulder blades, playing over his ribs and squeezing at his hips. Daniel shifted, rocking into that touch, and when Asher groaned, he realized how big the bulge he was sitting above had become. He rolled his hips experimentally, feeling the heat of it under him, and Asher's hands stilled, his head on Daniel's shoulder as he trembled under the other man's attention. Daniel felt strangely powerful. He'd never been able to make someone react like that before. He ground down harder and heard Asher curse, the hands on his hips tightening, pushing Daniel down more firmly.
Daniel, flushed with newfound desire, tugged Asher's head up so that he could kiss the other man, hungry and passionate, overwhelmed by how right this felt. He continued to roll his hips against Asher's lap, stroking the other man's trapped bulge with his ass, feeling Asher's desperate moans against his lips. He wanted more. He'd never been so turned on, his own need straining against his pants almost painfully. All his doubts were, for the moment at least, obliterated by sheer lust.
He tugged at the hem of Asher's shirt, dragging it up over his head and throwing it carelessly, finally allowed to touch as he liked, tracing the patterns of Asher's intricate tattoos, his scars, the line of his collarbone. Asher's kisses drifted down to Daniel's throat and Daniel shuddered, suddenly realizing why women liked that so much. He tipped his head back, leaning in as Asher's teeth grazed his jugular. Daniel felt almost dizzy with eagerness.
Asher, who had been fumbling with Daniel's pants, succeeded in getting them open, clumsy in his hurry to shove Daniel's underwear down and pull free his straining shaft. Daniel gasped, whimpering Asher's name as the other man wrapped his hand around him.
"Wait," he said, hand on Asher's chest. The other man stopped at once, waiting for Daniel to push him away. Instead, Daniel began unfastening Asher's pants as well. "You too."
Asher laughed in relief and delight and leaned back to give Daniel better access. Daniel plunged his hand in as soon as he had enough room, a thrill running through him as he felt the heat of another man's tool for the first time. It was embarrassing and a little bit terrifying, but he was too excited to stop.
As he pulled the other man free, his breath caught in surprise, first feeling the weight of it in his hand, then seeing it himself, thick and heavy. Daniel had never considered himself small, on the larger side of average actually. But Asher put him to shame. He looked up from it to stare at Asher, wide eyed.
"If you're getting cold feet we can stop..." Asher offered, though it was clear he would rather say just about anything else. Daniel shook his head.
"No it's fine," he said. "Just more than I expected."
"Don't worry," Asher chuckled, leaning in to kiss him again. "I won't let it hurt you."
"I'm pretty sure it would kill me," Daniel laughed, eyeing the
thing like a snake about to bite him.
"Calm down," Asher chuckled. "We're not going that far tonight anyway. I want you able to walk tomorrow after all."
He shifted to lie back on the bed, gently tugging Daniel along to straddle him. One hand caught the cheek of Daniel's behind, the other wrapped around his shaft, squeezing it against Daniel's. Daniel bit his lip at the feeling of the other man's heated flesh against his own, then added both his own hands, forming a tight channel around them. Asher groaned, thrusting up into Daniel's hand, and Daniel felt a rush of pleasure at the slick slide of the other man against him. Asher's hand kneading his backside encouraged him to move his own hips, timing them with Asher's thrusts, moving against each other in hedonistic frenzy.
Asher dragged Daniel's pants lower as they rocked against each other, cursing under his breath as Daniel whispered his name over and over. Asher's hand slipped back further and Daniel yelped in surprise as he felt a finger pressing against his entrance. He gave Asher an uncertain look but Asher just tugged him closer to kiss him.
"It's okay," he said, gentle and reassuring. "I'm not going to do anything that will hurt you. You're safe with me."
Daniel, despite his nerves, believed Asher completely. He kissed the other man and began moving his hips again, every rock back pushing against Asher's finger, rubbing slow circles on a part of him no one else had ever touched. Aside from being cripplingly embarrassing, it felt good, the sensitive skin lighting up at the contact. He could hardly focus on anything else, the confusion of pleasure and shame occupying his thoughts completely.
He made the mistake of looking down at Asher and saw the other man watching him, blue eyes intense and alive with lust as he stared up at Daniel. Embarrassment crashed down on Daniel like a ton of bricks, realizing how he must look, exposed and needy like this, all of him bared before Asher's eyes.
Suddenly feeling the need to hide, he bent over to press his face into Asher's shoulder. The other man chuckled, but indulged him, running a hand over Daniel's back soothingly. He didn't stop moving his hips, keeping up the steady rhythm of sensation that made Daniel's thoughts cloudy and his voice needy and beyond his control. This close he was practically whimpering into Asher's ear, his hands encircling their heated cocks, squeezing tightly as he felt his limit approaching.
Asher swore and gasped Daniel's name, his thrusts becoming less controlled. He pulled Daniel into a fierce kiss, against which Daniel's needy cries were lost, insignificant when compared to the crash of lips and teeth and tongue that was the two men desperately trying to convey their feelings without words. Daniel shuddered and bucked, pleasure whiting out his vision like the snow storm rising outside. He felt Asher's teeth on his throat and the hot splash of seed on his skin and closed his eyes, thoughts drifting into floating blankness.
Asher shifted to pull Daniel down beside him. He fumbled with numb fingers for a cloth to wipe themselves clean with. Daniel, equally foggy, reached for the blanket, crumpled at the foot of the bed, and pulled it over them as Asher finished his cursory cleanup. Daniel rested with his head on Asher's shoulder, the other man's arm close and comforting around him, and for a moment enjoyed think about absolutely nothing.
Outside, the wind rose to a higher howl. Both men glanced towards the window, where they could see snow whipping past the glass.
"Looks like we might be here a little longer after all," Asher said.
Daniel fell asleep with a smile on his face.
Chapter Fifteen
It snowed straight through the next day. Daniel hardly noticed. He and Asher barely left the bed except to build up the fire and once to clean themselves in vain, knowing they'd dirty themselves again before they'd even finished. Asher couldn't seem to keep his hands to himself the moment he saw Daniel's bare skin, and the myriad little claiming marks he had left on it.
Throughout the day, there was barely a second where they were not touching one another. Daniel curled up between Asher's knees as they ate, lay against his side when they napped, and filled all his thoughts with the other man. If he thought only of Asher, if he stayed completely in this moment, constantly distracted by the sweetness of his kisses and the tempting graze of every touch, then the insecurities gathering in the shadows of his mind couldn’t get in.
Outside, the storm raged. But inside, Asher spread Daniel out on the rug in front of the fire and teased him to the edge of madness with lips and tongue and questing fingers. Daniel, back arched and chest heaving with shallow, needy breaths, his skin glistening with sweat in the flickering fire light, tangled his fingers in the golden coils of Asher's hair and dug his heels into the floor. His thoughts were a scrambled, ecstatic mess. Asher slipped a finger inside for the first time and Daniel, surprised, pulled hard enough on Asher's hair that he felt teeth against very sensitive skin. They had to stop for a while, alternately laughing at and scolding each other. But they soon fell together again, and the next time Asher tried it, Daniel was more prepared.
He gave his first blowjob only a little later, sitting on the floor between Asher's knees. His first cock felt heavy on his tongue, while the other man reclined on the cot, petting his hair and coaching him along.
"That's it, use your tongue. Careful, don't go too fast. You don't have to take it all at once. Use your hands and work your way up to it. It's better if you make it last anyway. Shit, yeah, like that. Damn, you look good down there. Anyone ever tell you that you have amazing dick sucking lips? Because..."
He seemed to get a kick out of embarrassing Daniel to death. He'd keep it up until Daniel was scarlet from his ears to his chest and had to give up on whatever he was trying to do to hide his face and groan miserably. At which point Asher would pull Daniel into his lap and kiss whatever part Daniel left exposed, hands or nose or throat, hands teasing and exploring, until Daniel was not just flustered but also aroused beyond reason. The combined sensations would overwhelm him to the point that he lost all self-consciousness and would not just let Asher do whatever he wanted, but beg for it. Asher became an expert in all Daniel's weak points in what felt like record time. After all, they had very little else to focus on but each other.
It wasn't until late that evening, when they finally exhausted themselves completely, that Daniel's thoughts at last had a chance to catch up with him. He laid in Asher's arms, the other man snoring gently beside him, watching the fire burn down to red embers while sleep eluded him. Outside, the wind had finally stopped. Daniel felt curiously numb. The wild joy he'd felt all day—the delicious contentment of not just physical pleasure but affection and the sweet humor of two people fully comfortable with each other—it all drained away and left precisely nothing behind. Daniel had an idea what might replace those feelings, but he was keeping those doors firmly closed for now. So he was numb instead.
On an impulse, he slipped out of Asher's arms and gathered some of the scattered clothing. In his own pants and Asher's sweater, he opened the cabin door and slipped out into the night.
The world was a surreal place after all the snow. Once familiar shapes rendered formless and meaningless under the obfuscation of ice. Daniel couldn't even see the stream. Everything was just whiteness. And then he looked up and saw all that had been erased by the snow was doubled in intensity in the sky.
The night sky wheeled with stars, its color not black but rich dark blues and purples escalating into startling violets, and all of it gleaming with the diamond dust of a thousand million distant silver suns. Daniel, indifferent city dweller, had never seen such a sky. He stumbled a few steps out into the snow, then fell on to his back to just stare up at the splendor in wide-eyed awe. The snow under him soaked through his sweater towards his skin, but he didn't care. It was worth the discomfort to watch this incredible night parade even a moment longer. It was only when he thought that he wished Asher were seeing this too that he remembered those doors he was out here trying to keep closed.
He dragged the neck of the sweater up over the lower half of his face and breathed
in Asher's lingering scent, hoping it would help him ignore the feelings that were trying to overcome him. If anything, they made it worse. Because one way or another, this was going to end. They couldn't stay in this cabin, in this moment, forever. Spring would come and force them to change, always. Daniel would remember he wasn't gay, not really, or that he just didn't want to be. Asher would realize he could do far better than a neurotic, insecure nobody...
This was doomed whether Daniel accepted the change in himself or not. And Daniel didn't know which was more frightening. The thought that all of this was just an illusion born out of the desperate situation they were in that, once they were safe, would dissolve like snow in the sunlight? Or the thought of giving into this, of letting himself fall in love with Asher as he knew he was already beginning to, only to find Asher had never invested the weight in it that Daniel had. What was worse—that he might walk away from Asher and feel nothing, or that Asher might walk away from him?
He heard the crunch of snow under feet and his view of the sky was interrupted by the sun, or close enough. Asher smiled down at him from a halo of golden hair, vibrant as Apollo.
"You're going to get sick," Asher pointed out the obvious. "What are you doing out here?"
"I don't know what to do," Daniel confessed. "I feel too many things at once."
"What kind of things?" Asher, seeming to sense this might take a while, sat down in the snow next to him.
"A lot of fear," Daniel confessed, looking up at the sky again. "But I'm happy too. And I regret things. Or will regret them. Or I'm afraid I will regret them. I don't know what I want and everything seems too big to deal with when we're in a situation like this. I don't know if I'll be the same person when I get home."
