“A third option has become apparent. You might be a fierce warrior queen. My mistake. Any woman clipped with a baseball and taking a tumble into a pond only to get up ready to rumble must be a fierce warrior queen. Anyway, Mat’ll feel terrible if something happened because you went to the reception instead of the hospital. I’ll keep you company and show you pictures of my insanely cute dog.”
“She is really cute,” I conceded.
“Puppy pictures,” he whispered in my ear.
Damn it. I’d been had. I couldn’t lose the chance to see Annabel Lee’s puppy pictures. “I’m doing this under protest.”
“Ben gave me the address of your favorite ice cream parlor.”
I scowled at the gang of traitors determined to force me to go to the hospital. “He still owes me a milkshake even if you get me one tonight.”
“I’ll make sure he knows that.”
After the day I’d had, some whining was warranted, and I didn’t enjoy the thought of having to walk to the gate. “I’m wet, I’m cold, and my shoes squish when I walk.”
Rick chuckled, and his gaze dipped to my feet, which I stuck out from under the hem of my ruined dress. “Take the shoes off. I’ll carry them, but I can’t help you with your wet dress problem. I would if I could, but I neglected to bring clothes suitable for a lady with me today. I’ll take care not to be guilty of such an oversight again.”
After the reception, I needed to tell my brother he needed to have more friends like Rick. He would have fewer life problems, if only he had better taste in friends.
The hospital wanted to keep me overnight for observation and testing. Baseballs and heads weren’t supposed to collide, and according to the doctor, I’d gotten lucky to emerge somewhat unscathed. The entire medical team took a turn with me, scolding me for my refusal to go to the hospital via ambulance.
Wolfgang, who’d accompanied me through the entire wait and triage process, joined forces with Rick and the doctor. To add insult to injury, I was denied my milkshake. I would’ve accepted even a bad milkshake, but no.
Bad women who didn’t go to the hospital right away didn’t get a milkshake at all.
While he claimed he was doing it to make me feel better, Wolfgang left to attend the reception in my stead. I knew better. The bastard wanted to escape from my wrath over being denied my hard-earned milkshake.
Rick stayed, and because he wanted to get in on the action, he taunted me with his phone’s charger—and his working phone.
After arrangements for me to go to the hospital had been made, mine had died a terrible death, giving the last vestiges of its miserable little life to ensure my captivity. I retrieved the dead device from the table and pressed the power button hoping for a miracle. Nothing happened.
“Mine’s dead. This is all Mat’s fault. He just had to marry the thoroughbride.”
“I’m really impressed she didn’t give him the run around today.”
“I threatened the ball and chain, and I caught her trying to escape out the window once. The reception’s going to be a nightmare, especially without me keeping an eye on things. If I don’t show up, it will be guaranteed to be a disaster.”
“You’re likely right. That said, it’s going to be all right. A disaster of a reception is better than not having a reception. Mat can handle his new wife. He is the one who wanted to marry her, after all. I’m sure there’s a reason for that. It probably involves blind love and good sex, but there you have it. I wouldn’t have married her, personally. I’m still sane.”
I laughed at Rick’s implication he was not a fan of my brother’s new bride. “Yet you’re skipping the reception.”
“Well, yeah. Mat bullied me into attending both. While I rather no one be hit with a baseball, I’m eternally grateful for an excuse to skip the reception.”
“I don’t like receptions, but I never expected to meet someone who dislikes them more than I do. Also, Mat is going to find creative ways to make you pay for skipping his reception. He’s lowering your guard pretending to be grateful you accompanied me to the hospital. He might wait years before seeking his revenge, but revenge is coming. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” It seemed fair to make certain Rick understood he had signed up for my brother at his worst.
“I think I’ll be fine. Anyway, I am keeping an eye on you. That’s a get out of jail free card, as I know Mat values you more than any reception, even his own. Now, we have more important matters to attend to. As I’m the only one here with a working phone, you should be nice to me. I can be talked into sharing inane news and discussing the circumstances leading up to these unique events. I’ve found some gems, and I’m willing to share them with you.”
I had no idea how Rick wanted me to be nice to him, but it sounded scandalous, and it’d been long enough since I’d had a boyfriend that I was shamefully hopeful being nice involved removing my clothes—and his. “Inane news? What are you talking about?”
“It usually involves Florida Man.”
“Ah. The mystical Florida Man. He’s surprisingly durable—most of the time.” I giggled, as I often clicked any headline featuring the mystical Florida Man. Without fail, my day seemed a lot better because I’d never done anything nearly as stupid as Florida Man.
“That’s one way to put it. I read a lot of news, and Florida Man is a welcomed distraction. Following the news is part of my job.”
“Your job sounds tedious and possibly quite awful. I’m sorry your job forces you to watch the news. The news is so depressing lately.” I grimaced at how judgmental I sounded. “I’m sorry. That was rude.”
“It wasn’t rude at all. I like your honesty. And yes, my job can be tedious and awful at times. Let’s play a game. Winner takes all.”
I got as comfortable as I could on the hospital bed. “Your loss if you bet that.”
“What do you mean? We haven’t even picked wagers yet.”
“I have a packed work schedule for the next two years, and I think I went bankrupt buying the dress I wore into the pond. The only thing I have worth wagering over is the ball and chain, and I already agreed to give it to you.”
Rick chuckled. “I’m sure I can think of something you can do for me.”
What was adding a little more work to my schedule? I could sleep when I was dead. “Household budget? I’m aces at those, and they’re a pain in the ass.”
“As my accountant cries whenever I ask her for help with my budget, you’re on. Should you win, I’ll send you on an all-expenses paid vacation for two weeks, and I’ll be responsible for hiring and paying a good temporary to cover your work.”
It’d been so long since I’d taken a vacation I couldn’t remember what they were like. “What are the rules, and how do we play? How do we keep score?”
“We’ll take turns reading crazy headlines and guessing what the article is about. A point for each correct guess. No points lost for incorrect guesses, as we’d both be in the hole if we did that.”
“But you read these all the time. You probably know all the stories.”
“I’d avoid headlines with Florida Man in them if I were you. Whoever has the highest number of points by the time you’re discharged wins.”
“You’re on. You can go first. Read me a headline.”
Rick grinned and tapped at his phone’s screen. “Security Camera Catches Prowling Suspect Licking Doorbell for 3 Hours.”
I clapped my hands over my mouth so I wouldn’t laugh. A cackle burst out of me, which didn’t help my headache at all. I snorted in my effort to contain my mirth. A giggle slipped out, and I dissolved into helpless laughter. “Well, some poor bastard wasn’t home when that happened. That’s just weird.”
“I’m giving you a point for directly quoting the article. ‘That’s just weird’ is the general consensus on this one.”
I struggled to control my giggling enough to talk. “But why lick a doorbell? That poor homeowner. How long did it take to sanitize that disaster?”
“According
to the article, an entire weekend.”
“Was the doorbell licker high?”
“No idea. He wasn’t caught.”
I cleared my throat and drew in deep breaths until the urge to cackle subsided. “That’s a pretty good headline. I can understand the allure. If I had an awful job like yours, I’d be looking for those headlines, too.”
Rick grinned and handed me his phone. “I haven’t read any of the articles on this list, so pick one and go to town.”
I scrolled through my selection until I found one about a rambunctious tree rat. “Wanton Squirrel Scarfs Egg Roll as Twitter Drools.”
“The internet was obviously bored and hungry. I’m going to guess it happened in San Francisco, as their Chinatown is the largest in the United States.”
“Half point for bored and hungry internet, but it happened in New York.”
“I should’ve guessed that,” he groused. “New York squirrels are plentiful and bold. Is the article mostly a vid?”
I nodded and returned his phone. “The squirrel’s true crime was forgetting the sauce.”
“Now that’s just a pity. You can’t have egg rolls without the sauce.” Like me, Rick took his time scrolling through the list. “Here’s a good one. Baby Bunny Causes Bomb Scare in Australia.”
I could think of at least a hundred ways a baby bunny trapped in a bag could unleash utter mayhem in an airport. “He was left in a bag, and he wiggled around inside, thus inspiring fear of a bomb?”
“I’m giving you a point for that. They named him Boeing.”
I’d never known a baby bunny named Boeing could sound so wretchedly adorable. “That’s just too damned cute, Rick.”
“It really is. No one knows why the bunny was abandoned, but the article states Boeing now has a happy home.” Rick gave me his phone, shaking his head while smiling.
Rick’s motivations for reading the headlines clicked, and it was something I’d do if stuck between a rock and a hard place. “You read these as feel-good stories, don’t you?”
“Mostly. The rest of the news is depressing. Sometimes, I read about Florida Man to remind myself there’s no way I could ever do something that infernally stupid.”
I understood. In keeping with the wildlife theme, I hunted until I found a bird headline to go with the bunny and the squirrel. “Rhinestone Vest-Wearing Pigeon Reunited with Family.”
“Why would anyone put a pigeon in a vest? Why was it wearing rhinestones? It seems to have flown off, but it’s wearing clothes. Can I have half a point?”
“You can. So, what’s your guess?”
“1920s party, and someone brought their pet pigeon, but it flew away.”
I laughed, as reality was far stranger than Rick’s guess. “The vest is a diaper so the bird can fly in their home without leaving poop everywhere.”
“Take away my half a point. I’m not worthy.”
Still laughing, I replied, “I never would have guessed a pigeon wearing a diaper.”
“I’m still stuck on someone having a pet pigeon. Add in the vest, and that’s a spectacular article.”
“It really is. It gets better. The owner replaced some of the pigeon’s bling with Swarovski crystals.”
“That bird is obviously loved and spoiled.” Rick snickered and shook his head. “The world is a strange place.”
That it was.
The hospital grudgingly released me in the morning, and as to plan, my brother and his menace of a bride left on their honeymoon. I foresaw disaster, but as I’d done since learning he wanted to marry a thoroughbride, I kept my opinions mostly to myself.
My game with Rick ended in a draw, which I found a lot funnier than he did.
“The scoring of this game is obviously flawed,” he announced while wheeling me towards freedom. “I should have won.”
“You would have, if you hadn’t forfeited half a point to the bling-encrusted pigeon,” I reminded him.
“For one brief moment, victory had been mine.”
“Very brief. All of twenty seconds.”
“How is your head feeling?”
“It’ll feel a lot better when I have my milkshake. Then I’m going to go home, review all the wedding receipts, and figure out how much that damned wedding ultimately cost, how much she lost him in cancelled bookings, and how long it’ll take me to pay everyone back for standing in. I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell my brother about that. He’ll get pissy.”
By pissy, I meant he’d blow his top. Both of us blowing our tops at the same time wouldn’t work well. I was about three hours from my first midlife crisis, and damnit, if anyone pushed me, I’d be sorely tempted to bail town, disappear, and show up on Christmas and Thanksgiving because if I didn’t, I’d disappoint our parents.
I could cope with two days each year dealing with my brother’s bitch of a bride.
I needed to get over my grudge sooner than later for the sake of my sanity.
“Your brother doesn’t care about money when he should,” Rick conceded.
“Where have you been all his life? Why aren’t you a woman? You could have married my brother instead. That way, he’d have a sensible wife instead of a walking, greedy disaster.”
“I’d make a terrible woman.”
He’d probably be a gorgeous woman so far out of my brother’s league it hurt to think about it. Hell, Rick was so far out of my league it hurt to think about it. He was so far out of my league I considered asking him to invoice me for wasting his time. “Think about it this way: man or woman, your dog will still love you.”
“I’m not sold on the whole being a woman thing. I love women.”
“Women who love other women are called lesbians. I’m friends with a few. They’re cool chicks. They’d love she-you.”
“Can I stay he-me, please?”
“Got a lady you like?”
“I do.”
Bummer. “Lucky lady.”
“She has no idea how lucky she is. I’ve no idea how to approach her. I’m strapped for time,” he admitted. “Hey. Would you consider planning a wedding for hire? As a professional planner? You did a spectacular job with your brother’s wedding. I’d pay handsomely.”
Ugh. More weddings. I considered asking to be executed to be put out of my misery, but Rick had stayed the night with me in the hospital despite having come overseas to attend my brother’s wedding. “For a friend?”
“Family member. Mat’s met her. She’s a lot nicer than Amy, but if given a chance, she’d probably run for the border. Neither bride nor groom like each other too much, but they love their families. I’m hoping that’ll change. It’s a political wedding. Our families fight a lot, and being in-laws would help—or so everyone believes. She came up with the idea. I figure if you can handle someone like Amy, you can handle this wedding.”
“Where would the wedding take place?”
“I’m going to recommend somewhere in the United States, possibly here. It’s neutral ground.”
“You didn’t even see the reception, Rick. You have no idea if that was a train wreck or not. It was probably a train wreck.”
“I saw pictures.”
Rick gave me a headache. Technically, he worsened my headache. “I’ll give you my number, and I’ll think about it. But, if I do this, it will be because you’re my brother’s friend. I don’t need to be part of the wedding party, right?”
“The wedding party will be large. Even if you somehow landed in it, no one would notice you.”
I frowned. “Just how large would the wedding party be?”
“My mother’s wedding party had fifty-two maids.”
Now I’d heard of everything. “But why? Why so many maids? That’s insane, Rick.”
The thought of arranging for fifty-two bridesmaid dresses almost made me throw up.
“One woman for each family close to ours is how it typically goes. You’d be put into the party because your brother is a close friend of mine, which gives you the familial tie.”
&
nbsp; “Your family has a lot of friends. I’m both impressed and horrified.”
“That we do. We’re used to it, though. It’s not that bad. Well, it’s that bad, but we’re taught from birth to pretend it’s not that bad. Most of them are barely acquaintances, but it’s been a family tradition for as long as anyone can remember, so we stick with it. You game?”
“A professional would be wiser, I just feel I need to warn you of this.”
“But a professional wouldn’t be as good for my family as you. Mat’s wedding was perfect. That’s what I want for my family: that sort of perfect.”
“Do I want to know what sort of surprises will be in store for me should I tentatively accept?”
Rick chuckled. “Why do you think there’ll be surprises?”
“I’m breathing.”
“That you are. All right. My family is a little crazy, a lot egotistical, and we have a history of surprise double or triple weddings happening on the fly and attached to the original ceremony. When so many young, single people with more money than sense get together to plan a wedding, stuff happens.”
“When most people say stuff happens, they mean people sleep together and an unexpected baby comes into the picture. Unexpected marriages aren’t the first thing people think about.”
“Well, my family is traditional by nature, and they prefer when the marriage happens before the babies. Newly conceived babies are the reason for approximately half of our unexpected marriages, while the rest of the unexpected marriages happen because people meet, fall in love, and lose all common sense. I plan on being a little more meticulous than that when I marry.”
“How is one ‘a little more meticulous than that’ when discussing marriage?”
“I will have dedicated at least six months to the pros and cons of offering a proposal, I will enter the relationship fully committed, and I will come to the table armed with condoms, promises of any testing she desires, and I’ll even get snipped should she not want children. My mother might die of a heart attack when she finds that out, so please don’t tell my mother. I love her dearly and don’t want her to die.”
The Run Around Page 4
