The Run Around

by Bernadette Franklin

  Once they figured out I meant to help them, they swarmed over the computer, worked on updating their resumés to be accurate, and regaled me with tales of life in the marketing department.

  They also regaled me with tales in which marketers couldn’t keep their numbers straight or their purchases legit. That gem came from William, who did most of the talking for everyone. Not only did he provide the gem, he pulled out the invoices he thought seemed weird.

  I read over the invoices, my brows furrowing. “Why would an entertainer such as yourself view invoices for sex toys to be weird?”

  “We market advertising for vanilla stores.”

  Vanilla? I frowned and regarded the invoice, wondering what sex toys had to do with vanilla.

  “Non-sexual or plain sex. Nothing kinky. Those toys are rather kinky. We sometimes handle advertising for adult companies, but never anything physical. There’s no reason for there to be those kinds of invoices here.”

  I checked the amounts; a firm the size of the one I audited wouldn’t miss a thousand dollars, but fraud was fraud was fraud, and illegally using company funds for explicit purchases tended to fall into the no-no category. “Anything else like this?”

  “There are some with unusually high spend compared to the other marketers.”

  After an order from William, his team divided and conquered to locate and present all questionable invoices.

  Not only would they make excellent secretaries, they’d make marvelous general assistants. I set the invoices in a pile and patted them. “Please put everything you believe to be questionable here with a note explaining why you believe it’s questionable. In the meantime, I’ll go have a talk with HR. Can you point me in the right direction?”

  “I’ll take you there myself,” William replied, heading to the door. “Thank you for helping us, Miss Kensingvale.”

  I smiled. “You’re welcome.”

  Armed with their resumés, I ambushed the manager of HR, notifying her I’d been asked to gather and review the resumés of Miss Meltrew’s employees. The woman, one Mrs. Thomasson, confirmed they’d made the request to help mitigate potential bias, considering the situation.

  The entire company seemed in dire need of a shakedown if they were looking at an auditing firm to fix their mess from top to bottom. Bracing for the worst, I said, “They all seem very competent individuals with strong resumés, especially for assistant or secretarial work. They’re also good candidates for proper schooling in accounting, if your company sponsors continuing education. They were taught to look for red-flag situations, and they brought them to my attention.”

  “They did?”

  “Yes, they did.”

  “Are they…?”

  My job had taken such a strange turn. “I don’t believe they were at all coerced, and from what I understand of the situation, they all had relationships with Miss Meltrew prior to being hired.”

  “And prior relationships don’t violate our company handbook, as long as they don’t interfere with their ability to work,” the woman muttered. “All right. This is a shock to all of us, Miss Kensingvale, which is why we asked for advice from your firm. You were recommended as someone who is practical, skilled at managing complicated and strenuous tasks, and otherwise flexible.”

  I wasn’t as flexible as any of the men waiting for me in Miss Meltrew’s office, that much was for certain. “Does wedding planning count as complicated and strenuous?”

  “I would rather do an audit of the entire employee base of the company on a deadline,” she replied.

  “Well, if your company is in need of skilled secretaries and assistants, the gentlemen Miss Meltrew had hired will deliver. They’re organized, they’re observant, and if I were in your shoes, I’d be asking about sending them to night school to be groomed for higher positions.”

  “You’ve figured that out from that short of a time with them?”

  “I helped them organize their resumés and talked to them. After I’m done here, I will get copies of the digital records and photocopies of any odd invoices they’re currently gathering for me so I can focus on those first. Who should be my primary contact about the auditing results within your company?”

  “Mr. Sactrin. He’s in charge of the marketing department.”

  “Is there another individual I can discuss matters with, who isn’t directly involved with the questionable accounting?”

  The woman blinked. “Oh, yes. Of course. I’m certain the CEO would speak to you about such matters. That’s Mr. Waltsen.” While her expression remained puzzled, she dug through her desk, found a scrap of paper, and wrote down their names, phone numbers, and email addresses. “I do hope there aren’t serious problems.”

  Oh, there were going to be problems. I already had a sex toy problem, and the last thing I wanted to do was inform a company one of their employees had been making odd purchases. How the invoices had gotten through accounting in the first place flummoxed me.

  The good firms required approvals before invoices were paid, and there was no way in hell someone could have missed an order for sex toys.

  “My job is to find any and all issues so they can be corrected,” I replied, offering a smile. “That your company is handling this before it has reached the IRS is good for you, as it’ll make certain you can file any corrections needed in a timely fashion. You’ll also have everything organized to streamline the process, as it’s my job to make sure you’re ready for the possibility of a real audit.”

  “Which is looking pretty probable at this point.” The woman heaved a sigh. “Thank you for your help, Miss Kensingvale. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if there are any problems or if any of the staff don’t cooperate with your auditing efforts.”

  “I’ll contact you if there are any issues,” I promised.

  After exchanging pleasantries with the woman for a few minutes, I returned to Miss Meltrew’s office to get all of the information I needed to make sense of the situation. With a little luck, I’d identify how much trouble the company would be in if the IRS came knocking at their door in the morning—or if the company had a bigger sex scandal on their hands than a bunch of male prostitutes livening up an accountant’s work life.

  Laughing over the absurdity of it all, I texted Rick with a clue he might even be able to follow should the scandal reach the news: Developing Story: New York Woman Sleeps with Entire Accounting Department.

  A few moments later, my phone rang, but as I had a situation to contain, prostitutes to reassure, and numbers to wrangle, I silenced my cell, put it in my purse, and went to work.

  Nine

  An army of prostitutes gave me a copy.

  Armed with a box of invoice copies, a complete digital record of the marketing department’s accounting, and in possession of most of my sanity, I returned to my new place of employment. Garret intercepted me in the lobby, and his takeout bag implied he’d just raided the fast food joint next door for lunch. “You’re back a lot earlier than I expected.”

  “An army of prostitutes gave me a copy of every invoice they deemed questionable, loaded my laptop with the accounting files in record time, and my blitz call to their accounting department for their total matched what they gave me, so I have enough to start the real work now.”

  My phone rang, likely Rick’s relentless attempt to learn more about my headline. I ignored my purse, pressing the up button to summon the elevator.

  “You have an hour lunch, so you can take that call if you want. If you want something ordered in, just make sure you give the delivery company our suite and floor so it gets to you. We have a no peanuts, no fish, and no shellfish rule on our floor because one of the secretaries has severe allergies. That means no Thai food, Vietnamese food, or Chinese food as a general rule.”

  “No Chinese? Why no Chinese?”

  “Fish oil is a common ingredient in Chinese food, and it’s safer to just ban it all. If you have Chinese food, you need to air out for at least half an hour before co
ming up on this floor. Her allergy is truly severe.”

  I couldn’t imagine trying to survive in any city with that combination of allergies, especially one that was on an island and reeked of fish when near the water. “That’s horrible. That poor woman.”

  “Let’s just say the receptionist has emergency services on speed dial in case there’s an issue. Most everyone does their best to avoid her allergies, but you’d be surprised what contains peanuts without people realizing it—or fish. The fish oil used in Chinese food surprised pretty much everyone. She learned about that by unfortunate mistake.”

  “I’ll make sure to avoid any allergens,” I promised.

  “Without overstepping my bounds, can I ask about the army of prostitutes?”

  “The allegation that Miss Meltrew hired male prostitutes is true. They’re good workers from the looks of it, and they gathered everything I needed within an hour. They also had a good understanding of what constitutes as an accounting red flag. Those files are in this box, and I’ll be doing a full audit of this marketer’s work first. According to the gentlemen, they didn’t do much accounting work, instead handling other tasks so Miss Meltrew could do the actual accounting while they kept operations smooth. I recommended that their HR department invest in their schooling. If they don’t, you may wish to look into hiring them. They made a good impression.”

  “Beyond the accounting hiring fraud.”

  “That’s not their fault. I believe Miss Meltrew is the one who falsified their qualifications, and HR didn’t vet her selections. Since nothing seemed amiss, no one investigated. I helped them with their resumés, turned them in to their HR department, and went back to work on the audit. Until I have a better idea of what I’m working with, I don’t need to get any more documentation from them. I loaded all of their digital recordings onto my laptop, so I can work from home as necessary.”

  “We’ll try to keep you from working from home as much as possible, although it’ll happen. Your office is this way.” Garret led me to a surprisingly spacious office with a desk and a couch, enough filing cabinets to keep most accountants happy, and a dual-screen setup I’d appreciate once I started doing side-by-side comparisons of files. “Come see me down the hall if you have any questions or find anything important.”

  “I’ll do that. Thanks.”

  Garret left, and he closed the door behind him. My phone rang again, and I dug out my cell to discover Rick’s number gracing the display. Laughing over his persistence, I connected the call and said, “I never said I was the New Yorker, you know.”

  “Well, that’s a relief. I was trying to figure out what I’d tell your brother—and I’d have questions about how you managed to seduce an entire accounting department in such a brief period of time. Where did you get that headline? I searched online and but couldn’t find anything.”

  “It’s a clue. If a similar headline shows up online, you may be able to narrow down my location.”

  “I find myself grateful for your generosity, and I will be making a point of checking New York for interesting headlines. Your brother claims I have delicate and easily offended sensibilities. For the sake of these sensibilities, might you give me a little more information to work with?”

  “An older woman hired a bunch of male prostitutes to work for her at a company. That’s all I can really say.”

  “Let me make an educated guess. Your company was hired to do an audit because they can’t trust the work done. The prostitutes aren’t legal accounting hires, I presume?”

  My brows raised. “Do you have a mole at my workplace, Rick? The accuracy of your guess makes me think you have a mole at my workplace.”

  “No, I’ve just seen weirder things happen in the business world. I just tried to deduce what would create a headline like that with the information you gave me.”

  “I have to give that old lady credit, Rick. She picked really pretty men, and she liked all types, apparently. Also, she hit on me while she was being escorted out by police.”

  “I see she was an equal opportunity employer.”

  My mouth dropped open. After spluttering for a moment, I replied, “I suppose she was. The last I saw of her, she was trying to seduce the cops.”

  “You’ve had an interesting day. I thought you would like to know that we are now officially in the same time zone. My dog and I have successfully infiltrated the United States with the appropriate documentation to reside here for business purposes.”

  “And what job position does your precious Annabel Lee hold?”

  “Wrangler of Humans. It’s a distinguished title.”

  “Humans is plural. How many humans is she currently wrangling?”

  “Two. You and me. She’s plotting how to lure you into her furry clutches as we speak. Should I be truthful about the situation, she’s asleep on the couch, as she had a very long flight. She was required to fly in cargo, much to my disgust, but she made it safe and sound. I made her crate as comfortable as possible within their standards. The couch belongs to your brother. There’s something particularly naughty about talking to my friend’s missing sister while lounging in his living room with my dog. I’ll be headed to New York tomorrow, after we’ve both had a chance to recover from the flight.”

  “Taunt him for me.”

  “If I taunt him, he will know I’m actively communicating with you.”

  “I don’t see a problem with this, Rick. You’re going to have to convince me there’s an issue with this.”

  “I see you’re still feeling rather ruthless towards your brother.”

  “Yes. You could convince me to relent should he acquire me a puppy, one who gets along well with your Annabel Lee. A puppy would go a long way towards convincing me he isn’t an asshole.”

  “Oh, he’s an asshole. I had a few words with him about his treatment of you upon arrival. He was appropriately chastened, but I’m not of the opinion you should let him off easily.”

  “But a puppy, Rick. I’d forgive him for a puppy. I really would.” I had finally reached the level of adulthood I could have a puppy. I could have before, had I been a little more willing to defy everyone’s expectations.

  “Why don’t I go to a shelter and introduce Annabel Lee to some puppies, and then I will tell you where the shelter is so you can meet the candidates? Then you can pick a puppy that gets along with you and Annabel Lee.”

  “This sounds like a horrible way to make a long-term arrangement for a new family member, truth be told.”

  “But you’ll be happy, Annabel Lee will get to meet puppies, and I will be able to lure you to a known location. I will, upon your selection of a puppy, secure your person. I’ll even be a gentleman and permit you to drive your vehicle and new puppy to my chosen location.”

  Had I not figured out Fredrick classified as a ridiculously nice person who wouldn’t actually do that, I might’ve worried. Well, having invited him to do just that alleviated most of my concerns on that front, too. I grinned over his honesty regarding his tactic to locate me. “That might have worked if you hadn’t exposed yourself,” I confessed.

  “I will take you on a search for the perfect puppy as soon as I locate you.”

  “That’s a good incentive for me to accidentally reveal my location. That has to count as some form of cheating.”

  “I suspect you’re only saying that because you’ve reached your threshold for absurdity for one day.”

  I eyed the box of invoices, one of which involved sex toys. “You’re probably right.”

  “Don’t spoil your location, and if you would like to get yourself a puppy, ask to be matched with one that likes other dogs, as you want your puppy to go on play dates with other dogs. That will solve your problem. The only person Annabel Lee doesn’t like right now is your brother, and that’s only because we’re arguing.”

  “It’s okay if you let my brother off the hook, Rick. I’m sure he’ll want to cry on your shoulder before I’m done with him.”

  “I’ll kee
p that in mind.”

  Somehow, I survived my first day of work. I spent most of my time organizing files and getting a feel for what I would be doing on Tuesday, which would dump me straight into the depths of hell. My tentative explorations had already revealed discrepancies, as Miss Meltrew’s collection of handsome men kept immaculate records of their meetings, along with a spreadsheet dedicated to received, expected, and missing invoices. The missing invoices intrigued me, as they included the expected amount, when it should have been paid, how long overdue it was, and the advertising campaign the invoice was associated with. In some cases, the missing invoice sheet also included when an invoice exceeded the expected expenditures.

  Before I left to meet with my real estate agent, I went to my new boss’s office and knocked on his door.

  “Enter,” Garret answered.

  I slipped inside his office, which could fit two of mine with room to spare. “I’ve done my initial evaluation of the files I received, and should the gentlemen at that firm be fired for their manager’s actions, you would be wise to hire and get them certified. They have exceptional record-keeping skills. They’ve basically done the majority of my work for me, as they have an entire spreadsheet dedicated to suspicious invoices, missing invoices, or invoices that exceeded expected or allowed spend. I’m going to start the complete audit researching those invoices and see where it takes me tomorrow, but I think this is going to be a great deal easier than anyone believed. Maybe they aren’t accountants, but they kept their records organized.”

  “I can tell when an accountant is happy, and you sound happy with that development. Good. Honestly, we’d been pitched a hell job, but if you can finish that job early, there’s a lot of work for you to do, including the McCarthy file. I don’t think you’ll have much difficulty with the McCarthy file, but with their household changes and the legal elements involved, they wanted a good accountant to audit their finances. Are you willing to do paid overtime on the weekend? They work at legal firms on weekday hours, so it’s difficult for them to make appointments.”