by Fox, Lizzie
“I might be.”
I inhaled deeply, just as her mouth crashed into mine. Her lips parted for me, and I didn’t hesitate to slip my tongue right in, claiming her as my hands dug into her hips. Laughing quietly, she leaned over and began to unbutton my jeans. I clamped my hands on hers quickly and bit my lip so hard I probably made it bleed. “You have no idea how bad I want you…but this probably isn’t a good spot.”
Jessie glanced around, her tongue raking over her bottom lip. “We’re in a parking ramp. No one can see us; we’re in the corner. And if there’s video cameras well…then let’s give ‘em a show.” She tugged once at the button and unfastened it, giving me a seductive stare that clearly dared me to defy her.
“Jess…okay I’m not protesting—at all—but you’re not normally this…excited? So…?” Then I realized. “The…kid stuff isn’t it?”
“Well…no. I mean…it makes sense now. Really. I just feel relieved, I guess. I thought maybe it was me.”
“You?” I blurted, surprised. “How could you think that?”
She shrugged. “Don’t know. Just didn’t know what to think.” She pressed her soft breasts against me and gently rocked her hips, making my eyes clench shut. “Oh god you’re killing me,” I groaned out. Reluctantly I forced my eyes open; this couldn’t happen yet.
“But… I didn’t actually say that I…could do it,” I insisted.
“You didn’t have to.” She leaned in and nipped at my neck, and it was all I could do not to blow my load right there. This was…hot. So hot.
I let out a low groan. “Jess…we should get this straight before anything continues.”
Sighing in defeat, she didn’t climb off my lap but sat back on my thighs. “Okay, shoot.”
I took her hands in mine and brought them to my lips, brushing the knuckles over my bottom lip. “Look…Jessie. I want to have a family. I want to have kids—babies—with you. I just want to wait…just a bit. I want to have you to myself for a little while, and then we can try.”
Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment, and she sucked in a breath. I thought she was going to… well I wasn’t sure. “How long? Are we talking years? Because…I’m not sure I have that long, and I was looking at that…egg banking stuff. Holy crap that’s expensive.”
I frowned. “And… dangerous. No, we don’t need to do that, Jessie-love. I just…six months. A year. No more. Then… bring on the baby-making. All I ask. Is that okay?”
Her lips spread into a grin. “Yeah. That’s okay. More than okay.”
“But I have one rule. No…charts or schedules. We just go at it whenever and whatever happens, happens. If we have problems, we’ll deal, but for now? No…planning shit. I hate that,” I requested, and she nodded.
“I agree. It’s a deal.”
“Now…as much as I want you to continue what you’re doing…” I slid my hand down her neck and over her breast, cupping it gently, and she rutted against me in response. “I don’t want a ticket for indecent exposure. So…hold that thought for just fifteen minutes, okay?”
“Okay.” She placed a soft kiss on my mouth, full of seductive promise, and slid off my lap and into her seat. I missed her presence and her heat on top of me, but it was better this way. At least that was what I was telling myself as my balls nearly turned blue on the fifteen-minute drive home to Independence Point.
9
Seth
After the therapy appointment the other day, when I had my big “revelation” about kids and why in the hell I was so nervous about them, I decided that Dr. Rand was right. I needed to apologize to Lily. She wouldn’t understand me and essentially, I knew that what happened to her wasn’t my fault. But telling her I was sorry might make me feel better. It’d been a while since I’d seen her last anyway, due to the past couple of whirlwind months, so I figured it was time anyway.
When I lived in Minneapolis with Wes, and was in Fever Pitch, I only managed to make it out here about once every two months, less in the winter when roads sucked. Since I’d been back in Wisconsin, I made it a point to do it every month. I didn’t really know why, she was so withdrawn in herself I doubted she even realized I was there, but just in case there was any chance that the Lily I’d known and loved was still in there, I wanted her to know that I didn’t forget about her, and I still cared.
It was a bit strange, introducing Jessie to this part of my life, because it was a dark part of my past that I tried to forget. And, any time I looked at Lily, I was reminded of all that had gone wrong.
I sighed heavily, parking the Challenger in front of the psychiatric hospital in Milwaukee that she had lived in for the past few years.
“Are you ready to do this? Do you want me to just stay here or in the waiting room, or…?” Jessie asked carefully, leaning over the console and brushing her fingers over my upper arm, just under the sleeve of my blue t-shirt.
I set my hand over hers and gave her a hopeful look. “Will you come with me? I want you to meet her. If I… need privacy I’ll let you know.”
She nodded once and smiled warmly. “Whatever you want.” I turned off the engine, and we got out of the car. I took her hand, and we walked silently up the long concrete path to the main entrance. I felt the metal of her engagement ring under my fingers, and without realizing I was doing it at first, I kept brushing the pad of my thumb over the stone. I didn’t know why it was a comfort to me, but it was. That, and biting down on the damned lip piercing.
The reception area was clean, brightly lit, and fairly quiet, with signs everywhere warning people to keep their voices low; loud noises would set off some of the patients. The receptionist behind the desk, a friendly older lady with glasses and gray hair I recognized from the last few times I was here, greeted us with a polite smile as we walked up to the desk.
“I’m, ah, Seth Archer, here to see Liliana Archer,” I spoke a little nervously to her. “This is Jessie, my fiancée.”
“She’s coming in with you then?” The receptionist was already typing on the computer, probably looking up Lily’s record, making sure she was able to have visitors, and probably checking out who I was.
“Yeah, if that’s okay.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem. Lily’s been having a good few days, it’s a good time to see her, I think. You can go ahead on back; do you know how to get there?” She asked, and I nodded. I knew the drill.
The large, gray doors behind her clicked, indicating that we could go back. I pushed through them, and we entered a long hallway. I knew that the most vulnerable patients were located in a different wing, but Lily was quiet, obviously, and stayed in the general population. Still it wasn’t advised to go wandering around.
We took a slight turn and came to a door, second on the right: 230, with a photo of an orange lily just under the number that I had taped on there some time ago. I was glad to see they kept it, actually.
I paused before the door, taking a quick breath before I knocked.
“You okay?” Jessie asked with concern. I noticed I was clamping down on her hand quite hard, and I released her.
“Yeah, sorry. I don’t know why I’m so nervous about this,” I said, smiling awkwardly. “I suppose because I’m not quite sure what I’ll find beyond that door each time. Will she be better? Worse?” I sighed sadly, letting my gaze drop to the floor.
“Seth, I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you. Even if she doesn’t realize she is, I’m sure deep down it’ll register, right?” Jessie offered optimistically, taking my hand again and lifting it to her lips for a smiling kiss. It warmed my heart, and gave me a boost of confidence. I knew that no matter what happened here, now, Jessie would be here for me afterwards.
“Right.” I agreed, and I finally knocked quietly on the door. There would either be no answer, or a nurse would call out. This time, it was a nurse, telling us to come in.
I slowly opened the door and peeked my head in, smiling gently at the small, brightly-lit room. It looked like a typical hospital room: bed al
ong the wall, monitors and TVs here and there, a large whiteboard where the nurses communicated with each other, and a vanity, sink and mirror. My sister sat in a wheelchair, too weak to walk, with the nurse brushing her short, black hair. “Come in, Seth, good to see you,” Anna, the nurse, greeted cheerily. I figured Anna was around my age, and she was tall and willowy-blonde, with freckles and a bright smile.
“Hi,” I said, slowly opening the door wide enough for Jessie to enter. “I brought someone to meet Lily. You think she’d mind?” I almost felt a bit silly talking about my sister as if she wasn’t here, but I didn’t feel right doing otherwise.
“I bet she’d love it!” She set down the brush she was using and patted Lily’s shoulders before crossing the room to shake Jessie’s hand. “Anna Williams, I’m Lily’s aide.”
“This is Jessie, my fiancée,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat a bit at speaking the words out loud. Of course, Lily didn’t respond, she just looked down at her hands. She would move on her own, at times, but most times she had to be directed or just didn’t bother. Usually she was brought places in a wheelchair, and I knew that she didn’t have total control over her bladder or bowels. I knew she had bags, catheters or whatever, for that. She could eat on her own, if reminded, and drink like normal. But she never remembered to do it on her own. And, of course she didn’t speak, or generally acknowledge anyone’s existence.
“She looks so much like you,” Jessie whispered, with a small smile on her face as she observed my sister. “But… not.”
“Yeah she looks more like my mother,” I replied with a little shrug.
“You’ll be excited to know, I think, we’ve been playing music from your band to her.” Anna said, and I widened my eyes, surprised. “Quietly of course. I tell her, ‘Hey, Lily… your brother is singing a new song. Do you like it?’ She doesn’t respond of course, but every time we turn it off, she does get a bit fidgety. I think she likes it,” Anna said with a wink. I grinned at the idea.
“Yeah? That’s… awesome really.”
“It is. Well, I can leave you guys be. I’ll be back in a few minutes, I was going to take her outside for a bit; you’re welcome to come along,” Anna offered, giving us polite nods. “Lily, I’ll be back soon. Your brother and a friend are here to see you, hope that’s okay!” Of course, Lily didn’t respond. Before Anna departed, Jessie caught her by the arm and whispered something to her quietly. I couldn’t hear, and it seemed to be a secret. I’d be suspicious if it were anyone but Jessie. Anna just nodded with a bright grin, and Jessie pulled back and said, “Good.”
I would ask later. Before I lost my nerve, I crossed the room slowly to sit across from Lily on a single padded chair. Jessie hung back, seeming to sense that she needed to be cautious. It was impressive the way she just seemed to intuitively know what Lily needed.
I cleared my throat lightly, carefully reaching out my left hand—the hand with the least amount of tattoos on it, because I always wondered if they’d scare her somehow—and set it on her knee. Of course, no reaction. “Hey, Lily. It’s Seth. Good to see you again. Sorry it’s been a while; it’s been sort of a crazy few months.” I glanced over at Jessie, who stood there in her blue jeans and simple gray t-shirt, brown sandals, and smiled cautiously at her. She folded her arms over her chest and just observed. I held out my hand to her, beckoning her over, and she walked slowly over to us. Lily didn’t look at her directly, but her hand did twitch a little. I exchanged a little smile with Jessie; it was probably involuntary but who could know?
“So, uh, Lily… part of the reason I haven’t been around much is I’ve been really busy. The band is doing really, really well, and we have a lot going on. So lots of writing and recording and practicing. I also, ah…” I stammered, suddenly a bit nervous. Not enough to where I was tense and thought I’d freak out, though. “Well this is Jessie, my fiancée. We’re getting married next month, and I knew she’d like to meet you.”
Jessie didn’t hesitate, and she didn’t feel strange talking to someone who couldn’t talk back. To me, that was amazing. I never introduced anyone else to Lily because I was never sure how they’d react. I didn’t like Lily being treated like an invalid or like she was stupid. There was an intelligence in there, I knew there was.
Jessie lowered herself to her knees and offered Lily a friendly smile. “Hi Lily. It’s good to meet you. Your brother told me a lot about you. He loves you very much, you know,” she said, speaking in very calming tones. I bit my lip and choked back a sudden wash of emotion that threatened to bubble over the surface. Not anxiety but love—for both of them. Her gaze flicked over to me briefly before she carefully reached out, and just barely patted Lily’s hand on her lap. Lily didn’t respond, but she didn’t react negatively either by blinking, or tensing, so that was a good sign.
Jessie didn’t push her luck though, and stood, taking a step back.
“That’s Jessie. She’s really sweet, mostly,” I subtly kidded, and Jessie rolled her eyes and chuckled quietly. “So… I also wanted to tell you something. Well, my therapist wants me to tell you something, and I agree. You know how that is…” I paused, like I was waiting for a laugh at the obvious “joke”. Neither of us were strangers to psychiatric hospitals… obviously. “Anyway, I just… wanted to say I’m sorry. That night during the storm… that dad hit you…” My voice started to crack and waver, and I put my fist to my mouth before I emotionally lost it. Jessie firmly set her hand on my shoulder and leaned in to softly kiss my cheek.
“I love you, you got this,” she whispered in my ear, very quietly.
I cleared my throat and inhaled deeply, willing the fear away. Fear of… what? The memory of that night, maybe. The memory of the night everything went terribly, terribly wrong in my life…
“I’m sorry you got hurt. I feel responsible sometimes. The doctors say that you had… issues before that, that we couldn’t diagnose or even know about back then, and that night just set everything off. I… well, if I could have done anything, I would have. I think of that night all the time, and what I could have done differently. I don’t know that I could have… but I just wanted you to know how terrible I feel about it. And… how much I still love you. I hope someday you’ll come back to us, okay?” Tentatively, I reached out and touched her hand wishing more than anything that she’d move, or speak, or give some indication that she wasn’t… what? Mad at me? Sad? I didn’t know.
I choked back a sob I didn’t realize had been forming and brushed aside a single tear that had fallen. Jessie just kept her hand on my shoulder, for solidarity and support.
“Anyway,” I finally said, after an uncomfortable pause. “I’m sorry. I just needed to say that to you.” I watched her carefully, like I was expecting some sort of acknowledgement but of course, there was nothing. There never was. I just hoped that wherever she was it was a happy place.
After that, we kept the “conversation” easy. I told her we were getting married on the beach in Florida, and singing with Miles Madison who was pretty famous, and Anna came in shortly after to take her outside.
There was a little yard in back, with an artificial stream, a pond, and a wooden bench. Anna didn’t even need to lead the way, I knew my way back there easily.
“You must do this often,” Jessie commented, just before we exited through a set of glass doors.
I grimaced reluctantly. “Ah, not quite. Last time I was hospitalized… I stayed here.”
“Oh.” Jessie didn’t say anymore, but we threaded our hands together and headed out back.
It was a nice area, really. Tiger lilies and some other flowers grew along the stream; I hoped Lily liked them. While we sat and enjoyed the summer air and sun, Anna asked casual questions about the band, if we had any new songs coming out, things like that. I assured her that I’d have all of them recorded for Lily and sent over as soon as I could, if she liked them.
Shortly after, it was time for Lily’s lunch, so we decided to leave. I was about to say goodbye to her, w
hen Jessie reached into her jeans pocket, and pulled out a shiny, silver link bracelet, with a single heart dangling from it. With Anna’s assistance, she put it around Lily’s wrist. “This was my grandma’s. I don’t have any sisters to give it to, so I hoped you would like it. Since we’ll kinda be like sisters too, right?” Anna blinked teary eyed at Jessie who smiled softly at the both of them. “Every girl deserves something pretty.”
I was so shocked and touched by the gesture I could barely speak or think when we actually did say goodbye. We sat in the car for a few moments before I actually started the engine.
“Jess… what you did… that was…” I stammered, my voice trembling as I searched for the right words to convey what I was feeling.
Jessie put her hand on my cheek and cocked her head, looking at me with starry eyes. “It’s no big deal. It’s just been sitting there for a while, I don’t wear it. I just thought… well I don’t know what I thought. She’s important to you, so she’s important to me too.”
“That means… so much to me, you just don’t know,” I said quietly, as she leaned in and brushed her lips over mine in a tender, loving kiss, while her fingers continually brushed over my cheek.
“I’m glad. I love you, Seth. So damned much…” She tipped her forehead against my temple and allowed her arm to rest in my lap as I started the car.
“I love you too, Jess.” All the ride home, we kept things quiet, words didn’t need to be said.
Dr. Rand was right, seeing Lily, getting a bit of closure on that, and Jessie welcoming her into our lives essentially just made everything… right. Jessie was full of so much love, I could easily see how it was hard for her not to have enough people to give it to. I required a lot, obviously… but she had even more to give in that big heart of hers. Now, more than ever, I hoped that I could keep my brain in check and not only give her the life she deserved, but the family she needed to love.
