“Sorry,” He mumbled, stepping back—with the cane, she noted.
“Kirst not back yet?”
“Not yet,” He said.
She nodded. He was the one about to knock, but they both stayed silent. Then their eyes locked, lingered in that awkward way, stopped by words that were so obviously not being said, but that couldn’t be ignored either. He looked away first and her stomach flipped. Hesitation wasn’t like her, gracefully avoiding hard subjects that was very much her, but resisting the impulse to reach out for his hand—an impulse that was currently hammering away inside her head—that was not like her.
The guilt churning in her gut wasn’t like her either. And why she should be plagued by a conscience now, when any inner voice of reason had laid peacefully dormant thus far, was beyond her understanding. The thing is, she was starting to like him. Mostly because he was her type physically, but that wasn’t all of it. She was also finding his straight edge rigidness oddly charming. Cute, even. And he was so well kempt, she wanted so badly to mess him up. It was starting to hurt. Then she remembered that most of what he knew about her was a lie and guilt surged with the lust. It was incredibly inconvenient.
“I—” They both spoke together, and Jade laughed. What else could she do? This whole thing was becoming ridiculous.
Dian smiled, though wouldn’t quite look at her. She ought to ask what he wanted, why he was at her door.
“We should,” he let out a breath, rubbing his face, and she really didn’t want him to finish that sentence, “We should talk.” But he did.
Jade laughed, blowing off his suggestion with a wave of her hand. They were still awkwardly positioned, him in the middle of the hallway and her casually trying to lean in the doorway of her room. “Look, there’s nothing to talk about. Everything’s golden. You’re fine. I’m fine. We’re all fine.”
He looked at her now, with a brow raised, questioning her every false word with a look. Jade sighed and crossed her arms. “What? You think I didn’t notice things getting awkward? I’m not awkward. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m incredibly confident—rightly so—but this weirdness is nothing that can’t be steadfastly ignored for the rest of our acquaintance.”
He was quiet, the only acknowledgement of her words was a subtle fidgeting in his hands. His tongue worked in his mouth, more words not being said. Jade wanted to scream.
“You’re incredibly annoying,” She spat, “Irritating. Like I just,” She squeezed her hands into fists, “And now you’re just standing there, looking like that. Not saying anything, letting me ramble on like an idiot. Is this a joke or something? Entertainment? Cause I’m not very amused, myself.”
“I’d never call you an idiot,” He responded, “And I’m not one for jokes. Though, the rambling is amusing.”
“You’re the worst,” She huffed. She should tell him to go. Or push him. Or pin him to the wall.
“I’m sorry,” He offered and he traced a finger around his mouth, some nervous habit he had. Gods his hands were incredible. Clean, masculine, strong. Fuckable. “If you wish to leave things...awkward, as you put it, then I’ll respect that. But I’d like to try and mitigate the awkwardness if possible.”
Would he be loud? It’s always the quiet ones who can’t control their volume.
“You have a look in your eye that suggests I don’t want to know what you’re thinking.” His voice sent shivers straight to her core. ‘Meria, she was wet just imaging him unkempt, messy…
Fuck it. “Just come in. Unless you prefer an audience.”
He began to shake his head, “I’m not sure that would be—”
Jade grabbed his shirt and yanked him inside, slamming the door behind him. She was in no mood to dick around.
3
“—wise,” Dian finished.
They stood in the meager space of her room. Two beds, a basin for washing, two nightstands, and little else. A hairbrush lay smoking on the uneven floorboards. A fire hazard, she needed to be more careful. Dian bent and picked up the brush, not bothering to ask how or why it was charred. It was warm to the touch and had left an imprint on the floor. He set it in the basin of water.
“I’ll make sure they send up fresh water,” he murmured. Why was he here? He closed his eyes. He had meant to head to his room for the night when he passed Liam on the stairs. Next thing he knew, he was outside her door, trying to decide if he wanted to knock or leave. When she’d thrown open the door, deciding for him, the breath had left him.
He turned to her, because this couldn’t be left to fester. Or something would happen. Good. Bad. He wasn’t sure which, but it would be an explosion. His gaze traced the curve of her face, her cheeks, her lips, then meeting her eyes. She wore her emotions so clearly, even the ones she sought to hide, those eyes were too expressive. A shade of vivid green, almost luminous. He hadn’t realized he was moving closer until those eyes tilted up, staring directly into him.
This was what he’d wanted to avoid. The ice was so thin beneath him. His very firm grip on control already battered by Meraton and the realization that the institution he’d trusted and obeyed all his life had sent him and his unit to slaughter, that grip on control was a thread, ready to snap. The ice was paper thin, cracked and fragmented. And Jade was the icy water below, a raging current that could either save him or kill him. The temptation to just fall in was overwhelming.
And a very loud part of him didn’t care, either. Let her sweep him away. It might be easier than giving a damn. If it wasn’t immoral, he wasn’t sure he could resist.
“I’m sorry,” He offered, rather pathetically.
Her head tilted, a smile playing at her lips. ‘Meria, she was so damn beautiful.
“So you’re saying,” she shuffled a boot toward him, toe tapping into his, “That I should kick you out of my room?”
“You should,” he agreed. Holding his breath. Not moving. Not trusting himself to move.
Jade’s fingers flitted up his forearm, which were bare because he preferred to roll up longer sleeved shirts. He felt it everywhere. Chills echoed up his spine. He chanced reaching out, grip firm on her shoulders, and gently guided her back.
“What, afraid of going against the rules?”
“It’s not the rules,” he said, “It’s the morality. It’s a power imbalance that’s not fair to you. If you wanted to turn me down—”
“I would. In a second,” her smile was predatory, alluring, sexy, “Don’t think I’d ever let you get away with anything out of fear for your retaliation.”
He smiled, reminded of her proving that very statement when they’d first arrived on the Peregrine. “I can’t risk it. I couldn’t do that to you, or anyone.”
“This wasn’t supposed to happen, you know,” She said suddenly, taking a much needed step back, “You’re not supposed to make me like you. Flirt? Sure. You are insanely hot. But it wasn’t supposed to be more. It wasn’t supposed to turn into...whatever the hell this mess is,” she gestured between them, pacing and running her hands through her hair and licking her lips and breathing heavy, “I don’t like mess. I don’t like thinking things through. I don’t like how much I like you.” She laughed without humor then, and he wanted to reach out and offer to calm her, but it seemed wiser to stay where he was, “I didn’t come here for this. I didn’t join the stupid Legion so I could care about even more people. Do you know how terrified I was that you were seriously hurt? That wasn’t the plan. Join the Legion. Help your nation. Become a national hero. Harrowind needs you. That was the idea. Or part of it. I saw a ticket out of that hell hole and an easy way to save my friends in the process. Steal from the Legion then make my exit. Done.” She stopped pacing, eyes locking onto him, “But then you.”
Dian blinked. “You plan to steal from the Legion?”
Jade crossed her arms. “Not for that crusty antique, Alexi. But yes, that was my plan. There are lives depending on me at home and I’d have paid any price to get out of Harrowind.”
He
felt like he’d been punched in the face. His grip on his cane tightened. “You were arrested...on purpose.”
“That’s how it works. Do a crime. Nothing too violent. Join the Legion. Hey, you don’t even have to be a citizen if you do it that way. Then you get all that access to supplies and goods and the lovely Vacuan government throws in a paycheck, housing, and meals. Sounded nice on the flyer.”
“That’s why Liam helped me on the Maiden, that’s why both of you helped me.” It was incredible. How did he miss this? It was almost funny. His career was a lie, why not this too? Why not have the only woman, hell, the only person to ever make him want something for himself, lie to him?
But was it even a lie? Could he really blame her? Did he even know her?
Dian caught Jade’s arm as she paced, halting her. Nothing changed with her admission, not the parts where she claimed to like him nor the part where she’d admitted that getting to this moment was all a part of her plan. He meant to let go of her arm, but didn’t.
“I need to go. It’s best if we avoid these situations in the future,” His voice sounded hollow even to him, but it was the right thing to do. And, obviously, it needed to be stated.
“What about situations like now?” His gaze shot up, reading layers of meaning in her dancing eyes.
“Now can’t—”
Her mouth stopped just shy of a kiss. Her movement so quick he couldn’t deflect. He’d released her arm, his cane falling with a clatter to the floor. For a moment, they breathed. He inhaled that wild, wonderful scent that had haunted him since the brig on the Maiden. His head was spinning.
“Tell me no,” she whispered, “And I’ll back away.”
He said nothing.
She grabbed him, sealing her mouth over his and snapping the last of his control. He’d plunged into the icy rush of water, drowning in her, and he didn’t give a single fuck if he survived.
Her lips were relentless, devouring. Right. Wrong. What did it matter if he could thread his fingers in her silky hair, cup her head, pull her even closer. She threw everything off balance and, yet, that had only made him want her more. He’d never wanted anything before. Not truly. Not like this.
Dian matched her through sheer determination. Mewls and moans cascaded freely from her mouth, her light, lyrical voice turned husky. She was a bolt of lightning, alive and electric and dangerous and writhing in his arms.
Her thigh worked up his leg, her hips grinding into him as she climbed and forced him to catch her. Except her body threw off his balance and they went crashing backward, mostly onto a bed. She sat atop him, a spark of mischief in her stormy eyes, looking down at him as she tore off her jacket. He didn’t know how far he was willing to take this, but he wasn’t about to stop her either. She worked her corset lower and, fuck, he felt every single jerky motion.
“Hey, Jade?” Kirst’s voice had dampened the escalating passion.
“Mother fucker,” Jade hissed, though she lingered on his lap. She looked down at him, breasts nearly freed from her corset, hair tossed over one shoulder, her hips flush with his as she straddled him. “I wouldn’t call this an irreversible mood killer. He doesn’t have a key and I could easily ignore him until he leaves.”
Gods, he wanted to. “We should stop.”
Kirst knocked as he called, “Hello? Jade?”
She bent close, breasts consuming his vision and her voice carried gently to his ear, “Getting off you is going to be incredibly painful.”
He groaned in agony. The soft strands of her hair caught on his face as she slid back and stood. He had to close his eyes, clenching his teeth rather than watch her put her clothes back in order. Reality would kick him in the nuts for this, once the lust wore off, there was no going back to before.
He got up, catching himself on the nightstand while he searched for the cane.
“Yeah, Kirst, what do you want?” Jade replied, as she thrust her arms into her jacket.
“Have you seen Dian? No one seems to know where he went and he’s not in his room,” Kirst’s voice carried from just outside the door. “I brought back Gideon and we’re on a bit of a time crunch.”
Jade gave him a knowing, secret sort of smile. It was oddly satisfying. Even if he was torn between hating himself for letting her kiss him and hating himself for stopping her.
“Haven’t seen him,” She said, watching him like a cat watches a ball of string, “Sorry.”
They waited for the retreating footsteps before speaking. He stood now, hair almost in order and his pants adjusted.
“Let’s discuss how much we shouldn’t do that again soon,” She said, almost purring.
‘Meria, he would not be able to resist her now. There was no way he’d have the willpower when he knew how good she tasted. How good she felt. How he wanted to make her moan like that again. It was still wrong, he would remember that soon, but that was a problem for later. Right now, he had to find a way to leave her room, hiding the obvious erection, and hopefully not be noticed.
CHAPTER TWENTY
LIFE’S A BITCH AND THE WORLD IS ENDING
1
Life continued some ten thousand feet below. The landscape had changed. A range of mountains broke the horizon, growing bigger, closer. The city lights of Azlemaine punched through the darkening twilight. Fel leaned on the railing and let the whoosh of air drown out the voices of doubt in his head.
The future was uncertain. He left his only allies, his one shot at finding a place to belong. Now he’d have to do his best to navigate the course he’d chosen. So little of his life had been his choice. Hopping in and out of group homes since his earliest memories, not his choice. His parents had died and Vacua’s childcare system had scooped him up. The formative years of his adolescence in a lab, pretending it was a ‘special school,’ not his choice. He’d been put there because he was a Chanter, stayed until they’d released him some years later with no warning, skills, or emotional stability into a world that feared and hated him. That had also not been his choice. Vida had plucked him from the street and clothed him, fed him, nurtured him. That had not been his choice either, but for a few seconds he hadn’t lived in fear or anger. For a few seconds, he was okay with the world choosing for him. Then she’d died and he was set adrift again, not his choice. Until he found the Free Chanters, the first choice he’d made for himself.
He snuggled further into his cardigan, closing his eyes as the wind howled around him.
“There you are,” Aldon’s voice carried over the wind and he clutched the handrail with white knuckles as he shuffled along the deck, “We’ll be landing in the next ten minutes, thank the founders.”
Aldon attempted to switch handrails and Fel caught him when that proved too difficult. He supported Aldon until he could get his bearings.
“I’ve never flown before,” Aldon said, his voice only audible because they were so close together, “I hate it. I can’t walk. I can’t stand. I’d worked so hard to control my balance with finesse, but the ground is too unstable up here.”
Fel held Aldon steady while he ranted. He had to fight a smile, not sure what prompted it, he never smiled unless it was sarcastic or derisive.
“Thanks,” Aldon said after he’d started to breathe normally. He moved away, but not far enough to release Fel’s arm. It hurt how hard he was squeezing, cutting off the blood flow so that Fel’s fingers were starting to tingle. It took another five minutes for Fel to realize he didn’t mind the pain or that his arm was asleep.
Fel drew his gaze away from Aldon’s hand, to his profile as the wind stirred the ends of his hair. The sun was setting behind him, waning beams of light wreathed his face like a beacon. Somewhere in Fel’s head a tiny key turned. A lock gently clicked. And he let out a breath, calm.
It hadn’t been an explosion of realization, an epiphany, or a grand revelation. Just a tiny key unlocking a door he’d thought was sealed shut. And Fel was quietly surprised. He hadn’t intended to care about anyone since Vida.
&nbs
p; He let Aldon hold his arm while they descended into Azlemaine. Ignoring the tender, bruising imprints once he finally let go.
Mian and Chester resurfaced, though Fel had been out on the ship’s deck to get away from them, and thankfully parted without lingering.
“Are you sure you don’t want us escorting you home?” Chester asked, though clearly itching to be home himself.
“I’ll be fine,” Aldon assured them with a friendly wave. Chester had tried to wave to Fel and he managed a non-threatening nod in return. Legionnaires. They were the worst.
“You know,” Aldon started as the pair left the dockyard, “I wanted to be in the Legion as a kid.”
He what?
Aldon sighed, lingering in the dockyard instead of making a move. “It was just a fanciful dream, I guess. They never would have accepted me anyway.” His hand made a motion near the right side of his head, though the longer cut of his hair mostly disguised that there was no ear on that side.
Then Aldon was quiet. Fel tried not to ponder if things would be different had Aldon been Legion. It was bad enough he was a rich politician. His hands rested in his pockets while he waited on Aldon. This was Aldon’s city, his mission to confront the Queen. Fel was only there for him and he didn’t know where to go next.
“What now?” Fel finally signed, not sure why Aldon was quiet and distracted. The street spheres were starting to glow while they idled and it was getting chilly. They would need to move eventually.
“I…” Aldon huffed. “I meant to charge up to the Court and demand an audience with Vinnia.”
“Then let’s go.”
“It’s not that simple,” Aldon snapped, though not with anger. “She and I used to be friends. She’s the Queen now. This isn’t going to be an easy confrontation. If she even listens to me. She could fire me and toss me out.”
Catalyst (The Second Cycle Book 1) Page 26
