“Ethan, please. No. Don’t do this. You can’t. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”
“I don’t believe that. You know why? You broke the trust, Gia. You thought you could outsmart me with those pills. For all I know, you have a plan to leave me too. Well, I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen. Like I said, I’ll get you pregnant one way or another. You won’t be able to leave me then. And if you try, well… I guess I’ll just have to kill you.”
He pressed forward, seeking out the pathway for his lust. His arousal was thick when he met his mark. The sting of him trying to force his way inside triggered a fight or flight response.
No. No, no, no!
I couldn’t think beyond my current situation. All the reasons why I delayed leaving him fell to the wayside. All that mattered was stopping this from happening. I couldn’t allow him to violate me in the worst possible, most demeaning way. My mind raced with ways to escape.
With every ounce of strength I possessed, I brought my elbow back to meet his face. I heard a faint crunch, but I didn’t think I did much damage. The plan wasn’t to take him out, but to buy myself a few precious seconds to get away. I hadn’t fought back since the day he first hit me, so when his hold on me slackened and the knife went clanging to the floor, I knew my action caught him by surprise.
It was all I needed.
I wrenched myself free from his grasp and kicked the knife across to the other side of the kitchen. However, my actions weren’t fast enough.
“You fucking, bitch!” he roared, his fury seeming to make the walls quake. The monster from my hell had lost all restraint. Grabbing hold of my hair, his second favorite method of subduing me, he ripped back with such a force my naked body was sent sprawling to the floor. In an instant, he was on my back.
I screamed as loud as I could. The house was secluded, shrouded by tall pines. Our nearest neighbor was an eighth of a mile down the road. Nobody would hear me, yet a small part of me desperately clung to that hope that maybe a passing car might hear my cries. I continued to scream and struggled to get him off my back, only to be silenced when his hands wrapped around my throat.
“Stop!” I squeaked, fighting for air as he squeezed tighter and tighter. Air. I needed air. “E…Eth…Ethan, I can’t…”
This was it. Surely, he was going to kill me this time.
He began to laugh, as if my grappling and begging pleas were an aphrodisiac to his madness. I clawed at his hands but it was to no avail. He was too strong. I was helpless as he tried to penetrate my resistant barriers.
“Fuck, Gia! Stay still!” he cursed, squeezing my throat so tight stars dotted my vision. I was afraid I might pass out, but Ethan wasn’t that kind.
With one ruthless thrust, he invaded the virgin space of my body.
The pain knocked the wind out of me, silencing the weak cries falling from my lips. He repeatedly shoved himself inside the dry, unprepared cavity, satiating his demonic pleasures. All sense of time ceased to exist. I kept waiting for the pain to stop, but it seemed endless. The only thing I could do was lie still and wait for him to tap himself dry.
As the minutes passed, my mind took over and somehow distracted me from the pain of being ripped in two. It became a safe haven when the hurt seemed unbearable. Memories of my mother before she got sick flooded my consciousness, my thoughts of her just as clear if they happened yesterday. They were thoughts of happier times from before she got sick. I wondered what she would think of me now.
Then I remembered the piercing, hazel gaze of a stranger—kind eyes that made me feel at ease and comfortable in my own skin. I remembered his words about wanting to find a woman to cherish. My heart ached. I ached for the stranger I barely knew. I ached to be cherished by someone—anyone. Had I missed my window of opportunity? Was I now damaged goods? I didn’t want to believe that.
When Ethan finally rolled off me, panting with a satisfied grin as if he’d just experienced the best sex of his life, I knew what path I had to take. My only hope was that it wasn’t too late—that I would survive long enough to escape this.
6
Just like he always did after he attacked me, Ethan turned apologetic. He lifted my lifeless body from the floor and carried me to the bed. As I laid under the blankets next to the man I hated all the way down to the depths of my soul, my body ached in places I hadn’t even known existed. However, mentally I was numb.
I pretended to be asleep, afraid to move for fear I’d do something else to enrage him. He spoke softly and calmly to me, as if he didn’t know I could hear him.
“I love you, Gia. I wish you could understand that. I just wish you wouldn’t say and do things to upset me. You knew how important starting a family was to me. Why did you make me hurt you?”
It was incredibly bizarre. If I hadn’t heard it all before, I’d almost believe the confusion and remorse in his tone. I might have even cried silently into my pillow. But I had heard it all before and knew my narcissistic husband was undoubtably certifiably insane.
I tuned him out, completely withdrawn from my reality. While he rambled, I contemplated life and how things came to be. I even questioned my very existence. Was I born to suffer this way?
I thought about what I knew of sex—from my knowledge of it as an adolescent to how I understood it as an adult. I loved my mother, God rest her soul, but she came from a different generation where sex wasn’t talked about. It was practically forbidden. Anything sexual or private in nature tipped her right off the scale of awkwardness. MTV and VH1 were never allowed in my home when I was growing up—heaven forbid I be corrupted by Madonna’s Like a Virgin. I managed to not-so-accurately learn about the birds and the bees by sneaking reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 while my mother was at work.
As an only child, I had no older siblings to learn from. My mother worked three jobs in order to send me to a small, private elementary school. The kids there were definitely not talking about sex, which only added to the reasons I was so utterly clueless as I grew older. Even my period talk was non-existent. At school, when we had the class, a ninety-something year old nurse came in and told us that tampons were dangerous. She said the string could break off and the tampon would get lost “up there.” And if that wasn’t enough, all her talk about toxic shock syndrome was more than enough to make every girl in the classroom terrified of using a tampon.
The awkward silence about such topics meant I didn’t know what sex actually entailed until I was ready to have it for the first time. I had no idea penetration was involved—yes, at 17 years old, I really was that naïve. It’s no wonder why today, at twenty-eight years old, I’d never really contemplated what it meant to be raped.
When Ethan took me tonight, he snatched a part of my soul I was afraid I’d never get back. I should have reported him to the police a year ago. Instead, I believed him when he said the police wouldn’t help me and chose to stay silent. The sound of that silence had become deafening. The man I’d once trusted, for better or for worse, had tried to break me.
But he failed.
My time with Ethan had made me harder and more resilient. I was no longer a naïve teenager who knew little about sex. I was no longer a woman blind to a man who wanted to control me in every sense of the word. I didn’t want to be on the bad end of a statistic. I wanted to be one of the survivors. I had been waiting for the right time—to have enough money to start over again. I’d spent months plotting, but none of that mattered now. My choice was made. The illusions I had over my level of preparedness fell away. I couldn’t stay here for a minute longer.
It was time to take my life back.
Ethan’s ramblings about loving me had fallen silent some time ago so I chanced a glance in his direction. He was fast asleep. As quietly as I could, I gingerly slipped naked from the bed. I ignored the pain from his assault and tiptoed around to his side of the bed. Without making a sound, I silently opened the drawer to his nightstand and removed the COP .357 he always kept there. Knowing his department i
ssued sidearm was already safely locked in the safe, I hid the .357 in an old boot and shoved it in the back corner of the closet where it was out of sight.
Now that the potential deadly weapon was safely tucked away, I pulled out a garment bag hanging in the closet. The bag had once held my wedding dress. Months ago, I had removed the dress and burned it—literally. The corners of my mouth twitched up from the memory. I had picked a day when I knew Ethan would be working late and invited Natalia over. The two of us had a bonfire in the backyard and watched my dress go up in flames while we split a bottle of sauvignon blanc. We had laughed about our ever-growing bucket lists, and although leaving Ethan was far from being a joke, it had moved up to become my number one thing to do. I didn’t burn the gown out of spite, but because I needed the garment bag. It was a step I needed to take in order to complete bucket list item one—leave Ethan.
The day after the dress burning, I packed the large garment bag full of clothes I’d need when I finally made my escape, careful to make sure the puffiness of the bag matched the way it had looked when the wedding dress was in it. I couldn’t pack a regular duffle bag—that would be way too telling in the off chance he found it. I’d kept the white garment bag hidden in plain sight inside my closet where it had hung since our wedding day. It seemed like I’d packed it a lifetime ago, yet it also felt like yesterday.
As I tucked the bag under my arm, a sense of nervous trepidation crawled over my skin. I shook it off and tiptoed silently to the master bathroom to get dressed. Once the door clicked quietly closed behind me, I flicked on the light. It took my eyes a moment to adjust, but when they did, my hand flew to my mouth and I had to stifle back a cry.
Dark purple lines circled my neck. There was a small knot on my forehead and bruises covering my arms. My gaze traveled south to find the evidence of Ethan’s sadism. Dried semen mixed with my blood caked the inside of my thighs. Angry tears began to flow as I dampened a washcloth to clean myself up. When I was finished, I unsuccessfully attempted to pull my blonde hair back into a ponytail but my head was too raw from where Ethan had pulled out chunks of hair. Leaving it as is, I wiped my tear stained face and quickly threw on jeans and a teal colored t-shirt.
Once dressed, I grabbed a few basic toiletries and tossed them into the garment bag. The tube of toothpaste was laying on the counter. Instinctively, I placed it in the drawer before Ethan could get mad about it being left out. Then I thought better of it. Pulling it back out from the drawer, I put it back on the counter. The tube had been rolled up from the bottom, something Ethan always did. I unrolled it with a feeling of great satisfaction.
Screw you and your damn toothpaste obsession.
I left the bathroom and silently made my way into the living room. Crouching down to reach under the ottoman, I unpeeled the masking tape that secured a nondescript Tracfone under the base. Natalia had bought it for me months ago. It was part of the plan I’d concocted with her. After powering on the phone, I typed out a single message: BUCKET LIST #1.
Some might think I was going through ridiculous measures just to leave my husband, but they didn’t know Ethan like I did. He was always one step ahead of me and I’d brutally paid the paid the price many times as a result. I knew when the day came to leave, it would need to be well thought out. I’d have to run and never look back. After what happened tonight, I was grateful for the measures I took. If I were caught leaving him now, there was no doubt in my mind—Ethan would kill me.
I heard a quiet moan, then a stirring. My heart began to race. Glancing up, I looked down the long hall toward the master bedroom. I could still see the outline of Ethan’s body on the bed. He had rolled over but still appeared to be asleep. I closed my eyes and sighed with relief. I needed to move faster.
Pocketing the phone, I went into the kitchen and opened the freezer door. Using the masking tape I’d peeled off the phone, I quickly taped down the button that triggered the interior light for the freezer. Working in the dark, I felt for the empty Lean Cuisine box at the back of the freezer. When my fingers made contact, I pulled it out. Inside the box was a roll of cash I’d been saving. I removed the cash and put it in my pocket as well. It wasn’t much. A thousand dollars wouldn’t get me very far, but it was something at least.
Having everything I needed, I positioned myself near the front window, making sure to keep the bedroom door in my line of sight. I looked around at the walls that had defined my existence. Regret and self-blame gnawed at me, knowing I stayed when I should have left long ago. I smiled bitterly, happy to finally say good-bye to my prison, even if it was too late to save my dignity.
Fifteen minutes later, a black late model Buick with no headlights slowly approached the house.
Teddy’s car.
Natalia had gotten the message to him.
I slowly walked to the front door, careful not to step on any floorboard that might sound a creak. I placed my hand on the door handle but froze when a light from behind me turned on.
“Gia, where do you think you’re going?” I heard Ethan say from behind me. I nearly jumped out of my skin, my heart beating overtime and my breathing coming out in rapid succession.
“Fuck, no!” I cursed quietly as I fumbled with the door lock.
“Gianna!” Fury resonated in his voice. “Do you have a death wish? I told you what would happen if you tried to leave!”
His voice was coming closer—he was coming closer. I heard the lock click, but before I could wrench the door open, I was hauled backward and thrown to the floor.
“No! You fucking bastard! Teddy! Nat!” I screamed as loud as I could, hoping and praying they’d be able to hear me through the walls.
I scrambled to move and get up from the floor. If I stayed down, he’d kick me. I got to my knees, but I was too slow to react. A backhanded fist slammed into my cheek and I flew backwards once more. Then the kick came.
I groaned in pain. The impact of Ethan’s foot connecting with my back stole all the air from my lungs. I tried to scream for Natalia and Teddy again, but all that came out was a gasp as I struggled to find my breath. One more blow to the kidneys and this would be all over.
Get up, get up! Don’t let him win!
I silently repeated the chant over and over again as I struggled to breathe. He moved to kick me again, but I rolled and he missed me. As he prepared to come for me again with eyes raging like a category five storm, the front door crashed open.
Natalia, Teddy, and Ben burst though. I’d never been happier to see anyone else in my life. Ethan spun around just as Natalia rushed to my side.
“Oh my God! Gia, are you okay?”
I nodded weakly and looked away, sure she was examining the swollen landscape of my face. Inside I knew my appearance wasn’t my fault, but shame overtook any rationalization as I moved to a sitting position. I winced, already feeling the bruises starting to bloom over my ribs.
“Get out of my house!” Ethan roared. I glanced up and watched him reach into the couch cushions and pull out a gun I’d never seen before. I silently cursed, unaware that there was a third gun in the house. It made me wonder how many more there were. Ethan had the black barrel trained on Teddy as he stepped toward him, moving the gun back and forth between Teddy and Ben to show he had the upper hand.
“What are you going to do? Shoot us?” Teddy asked. “Be smart about this, Ethan. I don’t think you want to go to jail for murder.”
“This isn’t murder. You broke into my home. It’s self-defense,” Ethan challenged.
“Gia, come on. Let’s go. I need to get you out of here,” Natalia whispered.
“No, wait,” I said and gingerly got to my feet. I was afraid Teddy would underestimate how violent Ethan could get and I didn’t want him to get hurt. “Ethan, it’s over. I’m leaving. Put the gun down.”
“Shut up, Gianna! I need to handle these intruders,” he snapped, never once turning his eyes away from Teddy or Ben. “That’s right, boys. Did you hear me? You’re all intruders in my home
and I have a right to defend it. Nobody will question that.”
“Are you really willing to test that theory, Ethan?” Teddy gambled. Then he turned to me. “Gia, it’s time to go.”
The demented grin spreading across Ethan’s face was bone-chilling. He knew people in powerful places. Teddy’s gamble might be a mistake. We needed to move quickly.
Standing in front of me, Teddy and Ben formed a human shield for Natalia and me. We moved together in unison toward the door.
“Don’t do this, Gia.” Ethan warned. Desperation was in his tone and I chanced a look at his face. Sadness and something like regret flashed before turning hard and cold once more. When he spoke again, it was more like a snarl. “You’ll regret this.”
I hoped to god I wouldn’t.
We ignored him and kept moving cautiously toward a front door that felt miles away. My lower back screamed in pain, but I knew I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Natalia sensed my struggle and wrapped an arm around my waist for support.
I heard the sound of Ethan’s heavy footsteps crossing the room. I tensed, bracing myself for what was to come.
A shot was fired.
There was a crash. Natalia and I screamed.
All at once, our wall of protection was gone. I closed my eyes, terrified and unable to look at the scene unfolding around me.
“Gia, it’s okay,” Teddy said. I slowly opened my eyes an met those of my former boss. Daring a glance at Ben, I found him standing over Ethan with a table lamp in his hand. Ethan had been knocked out cold. “Come on. We need to get you to a hospital.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t trust my life to a system that favored men. The corruption in the police department only tipped the scales further in Ethan’s favor. I couldn’t risk doing things the right way—hospitals included.
Leave Me Breathless: The Black Rose Collection Page 34
