“Of course they covered up for their own! And now a girl is dead because of it!” I ranted to no one in particular and shook my head in disgust.
Ignoring the curious glances that were thrown my way from a few nearby gym patrons, I scooped up my belongings and stormed back to my apartment. I was furious for the woman who was killed yet shaken as well. Her story hit too close to home—it could have very easily been mine.
When I reached my apartment, I closed and barricaded the door. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I stared at the ceiling and went over all the precautions I had in place to ensure my safety. I questioned if I was doing enough to protect myself. I was still afraid and I hated that fact—hated the constant feeling of looking over my shoulder. Perhaps it was paranoia over the toothpaste incident last night, or my nightmare, or the upsetting news I saw on the television about a girl I didn’t even know—whatever it was had me pulling out my cell phone from the pocket of my sweatshirt.
“Nat,” I said into the phone after my friend picked up.
“Hey, you! I didn’t expect to hear from you today because you said you were low on minutes. How did the date go? Spill all the tea!”
“The date was great—and yes, I am low on minutes. I’ll have to fill you in later as promised. Right now, I just need a favor.”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I need you or Teddy to take a drive by my old house.”
Natalia fell silent for the span of three heartbeats before speaking again.
“Um…for what?” I could already hear the alarm in her tone so I hesitated with my explanation for why I wanted her to do this.
“I need you to see if Ethan is there. I mean, I don’t want you to go knocking on the door or anything. Just check to see if his car is there, lights are on…stuff like that.”
“Did something happen? Do you think he’s—”
“Everything is fine, Nat. It’s probably nothing. I just had this weird dream last night, then I saw this thing on the news about a girl… I don’t know. Call me crazy, but I just need you to do this so I can chill the fuck out.”
“Are you sure that’s the only reason?”
“I’m sure.”
“Alright, alright. If it makes you feel better, I’ll take a drive by sometime this week.”
“Thanks, Nat. This is just so I can maintain sanity and nothing else. I promise.”
At least I hope it wasn’t more than that.
20
Derek and I sat at a dimly lit corner booth draped in purple velvet. His arm was around me and he pulled me close, allowing me to snuggle into his shoulder. The level in which I missed him since last seeing him this morning at the gym was completely out of proportion with the time we’d known each other. I should have been alarmed by that, but for some reason, it felt right.
As planned, we came to Club Revolution for our second official date. I sipped on a lemon drop martini while Derek favored a gin and tonic with a twist of lime. It felt good being out in this sort of setting. Derek had been right—this was a pretty hopping place. The last time I did anything like this was with Natalia during my pre-shitty days, as I’ve come to dub them. Although I never verbalized it, after my slight panic attack last weekend, I had been mentally referring to my life before, during, and after Ethan as pre-shitty, shitty, and post-shitty in order to keep myself from thinking his name. I’m pretty sure a psychologist would have a field day with that, but whatever. It was working and that was all that mattered.
I glanced around at the sea of dancing people as the DJ transitioned into a new song. Nothing to Lose by Vassy began to play and I tapped my foot in time to the beat. Her lyrics about starting from the bottom and rising up got to me in an unexpected way. She sang of independence yet wanting love. Perhaps it was the martini running through my veins, but the song made me aware of something. I wanted Derek—as in, I really wanted him. And for the first time, I realized that was perfectly okay.
“Do you like this song?” Derek asked, pointing to my tapping foot.
“What’s not to love about it?”
Smiling, he placed a chaste kiss to my forehead.
“Come on. Let’s go dance then.”
Without giving me a chance to respond, Derek grabbed my hand and dragged me out onto the dance floor.
“Derek, what are you doing? I can’t dance!”
“Sure you can. Everyone can dance,” he insisted, his laughter clear despite the loud music in the club.
“Not this girl. When I come to places like this, I people watch. That’s it.”
Ignoring my protests, he pulled me close to his body. He pressed another light kiss to my forehead, took my right hand in his, and flashed me a wicked, melt-worthy smile.
“Just follow my lead.”
With his chest hard against mine, we began to move. His motions were effortless, making me appear to be a much better dancer than I actually was. He moved in a flawless rhythm, sexy and confident, before extending his arm to spin me around. Pulling my hips against him once more, long dormant hormones came to life and sent sparks flying south when he began to tease me with a slow, circular grind.
Holy hell…who knew dancing could be so erotic?
After about thirty minutes of hard dancing, sweat began to form on my brow. I glanced at Derek. He too was sweating, his hair falling in damp waves over his brow.
“Ready to get another drink?” I asked, wiping my forehead with the back of my hand.
“Sure.”
Derek ordered me another Lemon Drop Martini but surprised me when he got himself a bottle of water.
“Water?”
“Yeah, I’m not much of a drinker,” he explained. “I try to keep myself pretty regimented.”
I frowned in confusion.
“But you drank last weekend.”
“I did. That’s why I’m limiting myself this weekend.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Is this a my-body-is-a-temple type of thing?”
“No, Sparky. This is a I-don’t-want-to-be-under-the-infulence-of-anything-but-you-the-next-time-I-kiss-you type of thing.”
Oh, wow…
I licked my lips.
“Is that so?”
“Yes.”
Derek turned me so my back was pressed against his front. His hand splayed across my midsection and we moved to Sia’s electropop ballad of soaring synthesizers and militant drums. In my semi-buzzed state, I found myself shamelessly gyrating against him, needing to hang on to this moment—this feeling of being happy and free. I wanted to bury the shame and pretend I was a women who didn’t have a past; someone who wasn’t always afraid of things that went bump in the night. I placed a hand over Derek’s and squeezed like I was hanging on for dear life. I never wanted this moment, not matter how inconsequential it was, to end.
Glancing down at my half empty glass, I impulsively threw back the rest of the contents and placed the glass on the bar. Turning around to face Derek, I kissed him long and hard. The heat of his lips against mine spread like wildfire through my veins and my heart began to hammer an erratic beat in my ears. He pulled my body tight to his and returned my kiss, his lips pressing passionately down on mine. When a passerby let out a loud wolf whistle, I felt Derek’s lips turn up in a smile.
“What do you say we get out of here and go back to my apartment?” I suggested. Derek pulled away, his eyes dark and hungry yet hesitant all at the same time.
“Your apartment?”
“Yes. I want to be with you.”
He studied me for a long moment before nodding.
“Okay.” He cupped my cheek and leaned in to kiss me once more. His tongue traced the seam of my lips, coaxing them open. Our tongues danced together for the briefest of moments before he pulled away. “But you need to set the pace.”
21
I silently thanked the gods that the club was right next door. I don’t think we would have made it through a cab or subway ride back to my apartment. Derek and I crashed through th
e door in a tangle of lips and limbs. I didn’t even pause to barricade the door or check the windows. After Derek kicked the door closed behind us, the only thing that mattered was him and his touch. I needed him like I never needed anything in my life.
He pinned me up against the wall in my living room to ravage my mouth. His hand skimmed up my waist, under my shirt, and brushed over my ribs. Shivers raced down my spine and heat crashed between my legs. The arousal was all consuming.
“God…your skin. You feel so good,” he murmured against my mouth, his voice low and husky. I slowly pulled my shirt up and over my head. He groaned and pushed down the cups of my bra to circle each nipple with the pads of his thumbs and forefingers. I gasped when he bent his head and latched on with his teeth, leisurely suckling each one and coaxing them to aching, straining peaks.
Needing to feel his skin under my palms, I reached for the hem of his shirt and removed it. I’d seen Derek shirtless many times before yet now it felt as though I were seeing him for the first time. Appreciating the hard lines of honed muscle, I ran my hands over his rippled abdomen, hard chest, and strong shoulders. I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of his skin, needing him more and more with every breath I took. He was intoxicating.
His hands moved to the button of my jeans, scorching a path over my skin. I sharply sucked in a gulp of air and felt him hesitate.
“Is this okay?”
“Yes, Derek. Don’t stop,” I breathed.
Sliding the zipper down, his hand slipped under the waistband of my panties. When he made gentle contact with my already moist folds, I nearly collapsed from the pleasure. It had been too long since I last surrendered under a man’s touch. I didn’t realize how much I needed this physical connection again to feel normal. My back arched and I moaned.
When I pictured Derek and me being together for the first time, I thought it might be shadowed with memories of that final night with Ethan and all the terrible nights before that. However, that’s not what consumed me tonight. Instead, I was filled with an incredible sense of power, knowing I was about to give my body willingly. It was up to me to decide when I wanted to share it and when I didn’t. I owned it—and we owned tonight.
He worked his finger gently through my swollen flesh and teased my clit. His repeated flicking motions caused me to squirm. He pushed one finger in and flexed it against the heated walls just inside my entrance. When he pushed in another finger, my hands flew up to grip at his hair, the buildup to my orgasm coming swift and sweet.
“Oh, god,” I moaned and began to convulse around his fingers. I stiffened beneath his merciless hand and came quickly and unexpectedly. White-hot flames overtook me, blinding me in a surge of heat as I went over the edge. I shuddered as the climax rocketed through my body and nearly collapsed from the intensity.
Derek caught me, my body yielding against his hard lines as he carried me to the bedroom. Setting me down, I lay back onto the mattress. I practically purred as he worked my jeans and panties all the way down my legs, leaving a trail of kisses along my thighs, calves, and ankles as he went.
Still wearing his pants, he positioned himself above my almost naked body, careful to balance his weight on his elbows so he didn’t crush me. Brushing a stray piece of hair from my forehead, he studied me. It was as if he were waiting for me to give him permission before continuing on.
“Are you sure you want this?” he eventually asked. I smiled over how thoughtful he was being.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
Cupping my cheek, his lips moved to meld with mine. I kissed him desperately, our tongues sliding deep, clashing and then tasting. He suckled down the line of my neck and reached behind me to unclasp my bra. I felt his fingers fumble with the clasp for a moment before hearing him curse under his breath.
“What’s wrong?”
“The damn clasp. The way it happens in the movies is bullshit. These double hooks are a bitch when you can’t see what you’re doing.”
“Here. Let me,” I laughed.
“No, I want to take my time undressing you. Roll over.”
Doing as he wanted, I flipped onto my stomach. Deft fingers roamed up sides before coming together to effortlessly unhook the back clasp of my bra. His hands slid down my arms to lower the straps, placing feather light kisses along my spine as he went.
Brushing away the wisps of hair at my neck, his tongue found my ear. Nibbling on my earlobe, the full weight of him pressed down against my back.
Immediately, I felt as if I were suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. Images of the past reared up and smacked me in the face.
The glint of a knife.
The hard press of fingers against my throat.
The sound of pants dropping to the floor.
Ragged panting breaths drowning out desperate pleas.
And the pain…
“Get off me!” I screamed. “Get off, get off!”
Derek moved quickly, jumping off the bed with his hands raised.
“What is it? Did I do something wrong? Are you okay?”
My chest heaved and it took me a minute to process his words. When I saw his panicked expression, my eyes filled with angry tears. I was so sure—I thought I could do this.
But I was wrong.
Ethan shattered a part of me that I would never be able to get back—not even with someone as kind as Derek. My anger turned to embarrassment.
“I’m sorry, Derek.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
I shook my head and covered my naked breasts with one arm, using my free hand to reach for the edge of the bed comforter. Pulling it around to cover my body, I shook my head. It wasn’t fair for me to drag this man through all my crap.
“I’m fucked up, Derek. That’s what’s wrong. You should just… just go home.”
Getting up from the bed, I went into the living room wrapped in bulky blanket. Derek followed close behind.
“Oh, hell no. You’re going to tell me what just happened in there,” he said, pointing back toward the bedroom.
“I already told you. There are things in my past that are too painful to talk about. Please don’t ask me to.”
“No. The way you screamed just now…” He trailed off and shook his head. He took a step forward as if he wanted to touch me, but then thought better of it. “This shell you keep yourself in… I don’t understand why, after all of these months, you haven’t opened up to me. I feel things for you—strong things I can’t put into words. If you feel anything for me at all, you’ll help me understand why you’re afraid to let me in.”
“You think I don’t feel? That’s the problem, Derek! I feel everything too damn much! I feel all the good with you but all the other shit keeps getting in my way! Welcome to my post-shitty life!”
“Your what?”
“Never mind,” I said, shaking my head. “Look, I want to shut off those other feelings, but I can’t!
“What other feelings? What are you trying to shut off?”
Tears stung the backs of my eyes and I blinked them away. I wanted to run—to hide. My gaze flitted around the room for a place to escape. The closet. The bathroom—anywhere would do as long as I could shed these angry tears without having to see the sadness and pity in Derek’s eyes.
“Please. Just go. I’m really sorry, but I think it’s for the best.”
He stood there staring at me for a long while. I could feel his penetrating gaze but I was afraid to look at him. If I did, I knew I would break. When he eventually spoke, his voice was near a whisper.
“I need to know what happened to you. I want the truth.”
My eyes snapped up to meet his.
“You want the truth?” I bit out. It was on the tip of my tongue to shout out the iconic line from A Few Good Men. I stifled the maniacal laughter threatening to bubble past my lips. The reality was, I knew Derek could, in fact, handle the truth. It was me who didn’t want to face it.
“Talk to me, Val.”
&nb
sp; I laughed bitterly at the use of my fake name, the realization of how screwed up this was truly hitting me for the first time. All of this pretending—for what? Ethan would always have the power. I looked pointedly at Derek, my next words coming out hard and resentful.
“Okay, here’s a truth for you, boy scout. My name is not Val. It’s Gianna Valentini.” I expected him to appear shocked, but instead he stood perfectly still. And if I wasn’t mistaken, he almost looked relieved. When he didn’t respond to my revelation, I frowned. “Why don’t you look surprised?”
He closed his eyes briefly and exhaled a long sigh.
“Because I’m not. I knew your name. I always did.”
I shook my head in utter disbelief.
“What? What do you mean you always knew?”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he looked up at the ceiling. When his eyes met mine again, I could see the genuine worry in them.
“Just wait here for a minute.”
“What here? But you—”
“Val, or Gianna or… whatever. Just trust me on this. Please. I need to run to my apartment really quick. Don’t barricade this place up like Fort Knox while I’m gone. Give me two minutes and I’ll be right back.”
Without another word, he left.
22
Feeling disconcerted, I waited for my breath to even out and my heart to slow. I couldn’t make head nor tail out of what had happened and I needed the rush of blood in my ears to quiet. I felt sick, my body wanting nothing more than to purge the bile brought on by memories of the past.
Leave Me Breathless: The Black Rose Collection Page 41
