“Shit, Xi. What the—” I began, but Derek cut me off.
“Again!”
And so we did it again—and again, and again. Angry music raged on as I was repeatedly brought to my knees. I lost count of how many times I found myself flat on my back. Angry, rage filled tears stung my eyes when Xi brought me down yet again. Who was I kidding? I’d never be able to handle myself if Ethan came at me. He’d win. He always won.
Suddenly, the music was silenced. Xi stood over me and I closed my eyes so he wouldn’t see my tears. I expected Derek to yell again, but instead I heard his voice come quietly next to my ear.
“Keep your eyes closed. You need to learn to trust your instincts and see with more than your eyes. Tell me what you hear,” he said. Doing as instructed, I listened to the sounds around me.
“I don’t hear anything. Just some thumping coming from the racket ball courts.”
“Wrong. Listen again.”
Taking a deep breath, I listened again.
Breathing. I could hear Xi’s labored breaths from taking me to task for the last hour. There was a rustling of material, a sound I recognized it as the material of Hana’s wind pants, followed by the scuff of a sneaker against the polished concrete floor.
“I hear Xi breathing. And Hana—her pants. She uncrossed her legs. Both feet are on the floor.”
“Very good. Now what do you smell.”
I inhaled through my nose once. Twice. Three times.
“Vinyl from the mats. Rubber from the ring. Soap and sweat. Someone’s deodorant—Xi’s I think.”
“Now tell me what you feel.”
Keeping my eyes closed, I focused my attention on my body.
“I feel my heart beating on my chest. My skin is sticky. My muscles—”
“No, Gia. That’s not what I mean. Try again. What do you feel inside?” Derek asked again, emphasizing the last word. I shook my head, too embarrassed to say it out loud, but he was persistent. “How do you feel, Gia?”
“Weak,” I admitted in a whisper.
“Lay still. Take a deep breath. Inhale, then exhale. Then do it again. Inhale. Exhale. In through the nose, out through the mouth.” I did as he instructed, still sensing Xi hovering over me. I detected Derek moving closer until he was able to speak directly into my ear. “You are not weak. You are not what he says you are. Tell yourself that.”
“I am not weak. I am not what he says I am.”
“You are smart and intelligent.”
“I am smart and intelligent,” I repeated, feeling somewhat silly.
“What happened is not your fault. You did not fail.” When I didn’t copy his words immediately, Derek barked, “Say it!”
“What happened is not my fault! I did not fail!”
“You are strong. You are enough. You are in charge.”
“I am strong. I am enough. I am in charge.”
“He can’t hurt you anymore.”
“He can’t hurt me anymore.”
“Good, Sparky. That’s good. Now breathe deep again and imagine this. You are down on the ground. You are at your weakest. That’s what he wants—it’s what he preys on. Will you let him strike?”
“No.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I will attack first.”
“And if he fights back?”
“It won’t matter. I’m going to be enough.”
“How are you going to make sure of that?” Derek pushed.
A sound bubbled up, detonating from someplace deep in my belly and erupting into something like a growl on my lips. Before Xi could even think about what he was about to do, I was up.
“Because my life is my own and I’m going to take it back.”
I zipped up my gym bag and rotated my neck to stretch the muscles. Every part of me hurt, but that was okay. After four more failed attempts, I had finally taken down Xi. Derek, impressed with the progress for the day, called for the end of today’s session.
“You did good, but you still have more to learn,” he said after Hana and Xi had already left. “You should break tomorrow and let your muscles relax.”
I shook my head.
“I can’t take a break and you know it.”
He pursed his lips. He was clearly annoyed but he didn’t push the issue. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small silver tube and handed it to me.
“Take this,” he instructed and slipped the four-inch metal stick into my hand. It reminded me of a thin pen light with a keychain ring on the end of it.
“What’s this?”
“It’s a kubotan. It’s got a hidden knife and is a pretty common self-defense weapon. Technically, it’s not legal, so don’t go waving it around or anything. I don’t know this asshole, Ethan. But from what you’ve said, I think you should keep this on your person just in case. You have to unscrew the tip, then flip it and screw it back in.”
I twisted it open and did as he said so the top became the handle. The hidden blade made a perfect, pocket-sized knife. I looked up at him and smiled.
“Uh, thanks, I guess. Hopefully I won’t need to use it,” I joked lightly.
“This isn’t a laughing matter, Gia. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours but I need you to promise me that you’ll be safe.”
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I gave him a reassuring squeeze.
“Trust me, Derek. I’m trying in every way I know how.”
28
“Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine—”
The sound of my cell phone vibrating interrupted my nightly regimen of two hundred crunches. In the shared bunk room of the shelter, other women always eyed me curiously when I did these but nobody asked questions. If they did, it would be like breaking some sort of unspoken code. We all had our own story and not one of us owed another an explanation.
Reaching over to the small table next to my bed, I looked at the vibrating screen of the phone. It was Derek calling.
“Hey, you” I greeted. “What’s up?”
“I’m just calling to check in and make sure you’re alright.” The alarm in his tone was apparent.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? Are you? What’s going on?”
“There was a break in at the gym tonight. I’m guessing it happened right after we closed. Whoever broke in managed to bypass the alarm system. I only found out because of a fluke. Club Revolution has some high-profile DJ there tonight. The club had a line around the corner—one that extended to the front of the gym. They saw something was up and called the police.”
“Did they catch the person?”
“No. I’m here at The Mill with the police now. Jesus Christ, Gia… just wait until you see the place. The treadmill belts have all been sliced up, weights were thrown through the glass wall of the racquetball room—everything is trashed.”
“Well, that’s just stupid. If someone is going to rob a place, then do it. There’s no sense in vandalizing everything.”
“That’s just it—this wasn’t a robbery. Nothing appears to be taken and they were in my office too. The desk was flipped over, but the safe went untouched.”
A sinking feeling began to settle in my stomach.
“You’re saying nothing was taken?”
“No. Apparently there wasn’t anything here that they wanted.”
Or anyone.
Shivers raced down my spine and I began to wonder if the time to confront Ethan was near. I’d only been hard training with Xi for two weeks. While I felt more prepared, I wished I’d had more time.
“We can still train at one of the other facilities,” Derek continued. “But we need to scratch the morning session. More than likely, I’ll be here all night taking inventory of what’s been destroyed.”
“It’s okay. Do what you need to do. I’ll catch up with you in the morning.”
After I ended the call, a pang of guilt hit me for not offering to help him with the mess at the gym, but every instinct in my body was telling me Etha
n was behind the break in. Because of that, I knew it was time to go back to my apartment.
Reaching under the bed, I pulled out my canvas book bag. Inside were the clothes I’d grabbed in my mad dash to leave my apartment and a few other things I’d picked up over the past two weeks. Unzipping the bag, I laid out everything I would need—a change of clothes, a notebook and pen, baby oil, rings, and steel-toed boots. I stared at the items for a long while and tried to calm my mounting anxiety with long, deep breaths. I needed to have a clear head if I wanted to properly prepare for what lay ahead.
Once my racing heart returned to a normal rhythm, I picked up the paper and pen first and wrote out three identical letters. When I was finished, I placed them in large manila envelopes I’d already had prepared, stamped, and addressed. One envelope was addressed to Natalia and another was addressed to Teddy. The third envelope went back inside the canvas bag. If all went well, I’d be back to retrieve it tomorrow. If not, I was certain someone in the shelter would eventually find it.
Looking down at the other items I’d removed from the bag, I continued on. Changing out of the jeans and bulky cowlneck sweater I’d been wearing, I slipped into a pair of yoga pants and a tight-fitting tank top. Loose clothing was a liability and would make me vulnerable to an attacker if they tried to grab me.
After lacing up the steel-toed boots, I moved on to the baby oil. I flipped open the top and slathered it all over my neck and arms. I needed to be as slippery as an eel if I wanted a fighting chance at escaping a choke hold. After all, one of Ethan’s favorite pastimes was wringing my neck.
Using a pair of scissors, I sliced an old black t-shirt into two equal parts. I then opened a Ziplock bag that held the eight chunky metal rings I’d purchased from a nearby dollar store. They were nothing but gaudy costume jewelry, but they’d do the trick. After slipping one on each finger, I wrapped my hands in the black t-shirt strips, leaving only the top portion of my fingers free.
Placing my discarded clothes and the half empty bottle of oil into the bag, I made sure to position the third envelope on top and zipped it closed. Sliding the bag back under the bed, I stood straight, slipped the kubotan Derek had given me into the hidden waistband pocket of my pants, and pulled on an over-sized sweatshirt. Turning towards the exit, I squared my shoulders.
It was time to face the music.
Thirty minutes later, I unlocked the door to my apartment and cautiously entered. Club Revolution was louder than usual tonight. The thump-thump of the bass matched the pulsing of the blood roaring in my ears and I struggled to block it out. I had to really strain to hear any sounds of movement in the apartment.
When I didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary, I immediately went to the bathroom to see if my suspicions were correct. The toothpaste was on the counter and exactly where I had left it. However, the tube was rolled up tight from the bottom once again. Ethan had most certainly been here.
Leaving the bathroom, I scanned the other areas visible to me. My gaze landed on a vase sitting on the center of the kitchen table. Pink daisies were perfectly arranged, the water crystal clear without an ounce of cloudiness. My already hammering heart began to pound double time. Ethan had not only been here—he’d been in here very recently too. And if instinct served me right, he was still there.
As quietly as I could, I tiptoed to the kitchen. I removed all of the knives from the butcher block and hid them in the oven. Opening the drawer that held the other kitchen gadgets, such as the rolling pin and mallet, I removed any instruments that could potentially cause serious harm and hid those in the oven next to the knives. After silently closing the oven door, I looked around the apartment for anything else I might need to stash away. I spotted the mop and broom and shoved those behind the refrigerator. For once I was thankful for the overhead lighting. That meant no lamps and avoidance of any blunt force trauma they could potentially cause.
Maybe I was a fool for thinking I could confront him—like the person who goes outside during a wicked thunderstorm and waits for lightning to strike. Ethan was the lightning and I had no insulator for protection. The only thing I had was myself and I was positioning to be the conductor. But I knew this feeling. I had felt it with every tick of the clock while I waited for Ethan to get home from work. Years of being married to him taught me how to predict a coming storm. Yet, as I pulled the sweatshirt I was wearing over my head and tossed it onto sofa, I knew this time was different. This time I was truly prepared for it—prepared for him.
“Ethan, I know you’re here.” I fell silent and waited to hear a response or a sound—anything to signal that he was near. When there was no reply, I continued talking. “It was you who broke into the gym, wasn’t it? No need to get Derek involved. He’s a good guy and didn’t deserve that.”
Still, no response. I would have to push him and get his temper riled up.
“How long have you known I was in New York? Days? Weeks? Months? Were you here the morning I fucked Derek? Did you see him in my bed?” I taunted. If he was here, it wouldn’t be much longer before he showed his face. “Derek’s way better than you could ever hope to be. And I’m not just talking about in the sack. He’s kind and caring while you’re nothing but a coward who gets off on beating women. You think it makes you strong but you’re wrong. You’re the weakest man I know.”
The old grandfather clock began to chime midnight and it was the most ominous sound I’d ever heard. A creak in the old floorboards made me jump. Panic sucked the air from my chest and I spun my head in the direction of the sound. Ethan stood leaning against the doorjamb to my bedroom.
“Hello, Gia.”
29
I took in the sight of him. Ethan was always well put together, but now…I’d never seen him look so unkempt. His hair was a mess and his eyes looked dark and wild, sunken into the face he clearly hadn’t shaved for days. His appearance made me second guess my decision to confront him. He looked like a madman and I truly had no idea what he was capable of.
My fight or flight instinct threatened to kick into overdrive. Fighting would be my only option if I wanted this to end. It’s what I came here for. I squared my shoulders, not wanting to show an ounce of fear.
“So, when did you find out I was here?” I asked.
“I always knew where you were, Gia. I’ll admit, I did lose you for a week or two, but I’ve had eyes on you ever since you moved into this place.” He motioned to the space around him and grimaced at the threadbare sofa with disgust. “I didn’t think you’d ever go back to slumming it.”
He took a step closer to me.
“Yeah well, you didn’t give me much of a choice. It’s might not be the Ritz, but I like it,” I replied, inching backward and not taking my eyes off him for one second.
“You’ve proved to be resourceful. I’ll give you that much at least. You even used your pussy to lure in a new man, as if Derek could actually replace me,” he said in an eerily calm voice. “I’ve known all about your boy toy for quite some time too. And yes, I was here the day you spread your legs for him like a whore. I heard how you came for him. I watched you when you sucked him off. You always did give good head.”
My stomach roiled, the urge to vomit overwhelming. Although I suspected it, I didn’t want to think about him putting a black stain on my relationship with Derek. What we had was pure and special.
“You’re a sick bastard!” I spat out.
He took another step in my direction so he was only a few feet away. I brought my hands up in a defensive position and he laughed.
“What is this? I feel like we’ve already been through this, Gia. Haven’t you learned anything? You can’t fight me.”
“Oh, no?”
In one swift move that he never saw coming, my palm connected with his face. Staggering back, he lifted a hand to his lips. When he pulled it back, blood glistened on the tip of one finger. I smiled inwardly, knowing the spilt lip was the result of the rings I wore.
“You’re going to pay for t
hat.”
“No, Ethan. I’m not.”
“You really want to play this game? You know how it will end.”
“I do—and it won’t end well for you. I know all about Cynthia. How much time do you think you’ll get for that? I’m sure once the DA hears my story, he’ll have an open-shut case. Or maybe that’s one of the reasons you’re here. Do you want to shut me up?”
“Yeah, something I should have done a long fucking time ago.”
He lunged at me, but I was quick to sidestep his advance and he stumbled past me. Spinning to face him once again, I watched as he tried to regain his balance.
“You see, here’s the thing, Ethan. You’ve always underestimated me. Hell, you’ve underestimated women in general. You might have your cronies in the police department at your back, but you know nothing about women and their survival instincts. I prepared three letters, two of which are already in the hands of the United States Postal Service. In fact, I dropped them in the mailbox before coming here tonight. If something happens to me, the recipients of those letters have been given instructions to turn the contents of the envelope over to the DA. Even if you kill me, the truth will come out.”
“You have no proof of anything. Your little letters will be your word against mine.”
“And the word of several medical professionals. I have the medical records from the night I miscarried. I also have the medical records, including the results of a rape kit from the night I left you.” To my instant gratification, real worry began to show on his face. “That’s right, Ethan. After you chased me from the hotel, I asked Teddy to bring me to a twenty-four-hour urgent care center. They accepted cash and the fake name I gave them. And I must say—they were extremely thorough. They took all kinds of x-rays. The doctors were shocked at all the evidence of previous injuries that never properly healed.”
Leave Me Breathless: The Black Rose Collection Page 45
