He swallowed. “You don’t want to?”
“I guess my head isn’t in the right place to start that with him right now.”
He sucked some air in, then let it out. “Are you going to introduce him to Nathan?”
“I’m thinking about it.”
“I’m gonna make sure I’m front and center with some popcorn when it happens.” He chuckled.
“Thanks a lot.” I laughed.
“Seriously, though, Farrah, if you’re happy, I’m happy. Please don’t think you have to avoid me, or that you can’t count on me.”
“I haven’t felt that way. I know you care about me no matter what. And I respect you not wanting to risk hurting me or Nathan. I just wish…”
“Wish what?”
“That I didn’t still have these feelings.”
The moonlight shone in his eyes as he stared straight through me. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.”
“Are your feelings for me…” He chewed on his lip. “Are they what’s keeping you from moving forward with this guy?”
It was impossible to look him in the face and deny it. “I think so.”
Jace closed his eyes briefly as he took in my admission.
“How come you’re not with anyone tonight?” I asked.
“What do you think—that I’m with a different woman every night or something? That’s not how it is.”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“I’m not. I haven’t been with anyone in over three weeks.”
“Since we kissed?”
He nodded.
“Why?”
“Because you’re not the only one who’s fucked-up by it, Farrah.”
“I guess I figured you’d still be out…doing what you do…regardless.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I can’t compartmentalize as well as you might have thought.”
“Are you saying what you feel for me is more than just sexual?”
“Of course, it is. Why do you even have to ask that?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I don’t really understand how you see me.”
“You don’t understand how I see you?” His voice grew louder. “I see you as kind, loving, caring, hardworking…and beautiful. There’s absolutely nothing not to like about you, Farrah.” He stared off. “I haven’t been able to look Nathan in the eyes—even still. That’s why I stayed at my parents’ for a while. I don’t know what to do with this energy between us. It’s easy to say we’re just going to forget about it, but it’s not so easy when I’m around you.”
“Tell me about it.”
I couldn’t believe he was opening up like this. But as he closed his eyes, again looking tormented, I had a hunch there was something more.
“Is everything else okay? You seem down, in general, tonight. When I came in, you were already deep in thought. Does it have to do with Muldoon?”
He shook his head. “Everything is great at work, actually. We got the loan. So that’s not it.” He paused. “I’ve been having to take Lincoln Road home every day because there’s some construction going on. There’s a detour.”
My heart sank. “Oh…”
“Every time I drive by, the flashbacks hit me like a ton of bricks. But I refuse to find another way home because I have to face these feelings at some point. I’ve never been good at dealing with them.”
It broke my heart that he’d been keeping this inside. “I’ve said it to you before, but you know you can talk to me about it anytime, right? I can handle it.”
His eyes glistened. “If I can talk to anyone about it, it’s you. Not Nathan. But I can’t get myself there yet. That doesn’t mean it’s not constantly on my mind. You can’t escape your thoughts. Part of the reason I didn’t hesitate to move back here is because I felt it would do me some good to finally face all the things I’ve been running from.”
“I’m proud of you for driving by there, even though it’s painful.”
He took a deep breath in. “Thank you.”
He’d said he wasn’t ready to talk about it, but there was something I needed to get off my chest.
“I sometimes wonder if you feel guilty that you were the only survivor. That kind of guilt can be quite toxic. You know it wasn’t your fault, right? You had no control over any of it.”
Jace placed his head in his hands. Was he about to cry? I hadn’t seen him express this kind of emotion since he’d been back.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that I understand. Even though I wasn’t there…I understand.”
He looked up at me. “It’s okay.”
I stood up. “I can give you some space if you’d rather be alone.”
He reached for my arm. “No. I don’t want that at all. Stay.”
There was nothing I wanted more.
Chapter 12
* * *
Jace
She looked so beautiful under the moonlight. Sometimes it was hard to believe this was the same girl who used to chew on her hair. Farrah had turned into such a graceful and mature woman. As much as she had her quirks, her ideals and outlook were more in line with mine than most of the women I’d come across in my adult life. She wasn’t judgmental, and I never felt uncomfortable around her, despite not being comfortable with my attraction to her. Right now, I absolutely loved hanging out with her.
“What do you want out of life, Farrah?” I asked.
She smiled and sat forward to look at me, her stare penetrating. “I think I want to re-create the peace I had before my parents died. I’m not sure how to do that, though. I don’t know that I can ever feel normal again—completely safe. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone for financial support, either. I want to feel secure, economically and emotionally. But I’m a far cry from that.” She looked up at the stars. “So, my three answers are peace, happiness, and financial security.” Farrah raised her chin. “I feel like you’ve accomplished so much. I would like to be in that same boat at some point—graduate from college and grad school and have enough experience to get a good job and take care of myself.”
I shrugged. “I might have a good resume, but I’m far from where I want to be in life. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I ran away when things got tough and haven’t dealt with stuff. So while I might appear to have my shit together, it’s more of an illusion.”
“Have you talked about your feelings with anyone?”
“That’s what I’m doing now.” I smiled. “This is the extent of it.” I sighed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, to be honest. It’s not like I can change anything that happened. Will talking about it really help? I don’t know. I’ve always just buried myself in school and work.”
“We have that in common—not dealing with things. I’ve been focused on my meaningless job and being there for Nathan, but I don’t feel like I’m living my life the way I want to. Honestly, the past seven years have been a blur.”
I nodded. “I also feel like I’ve had two different lives: before and after. You know what I mean?”
She nodded. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Our eyes locked.
“I know you do.”
“Despite how hard it’s been,” she said, “when you came back to Florida, it felt really good. It was like I got a part of the ‘before’ back. I didn’t have much growing up. I had my parents, and I had Nathan, and honestly, Jace… I had you. Because you were always around. You coming back was the best thing that had happened to me in a very long time.” She got a little choked up. “I know I complicated things by showing my feelings for you, but I hope you know that no matter what happens…I will always cherish you.”
An unidentifiable feeling bubbled inside my chest—a warm sensation mixed with intense guilt.
I wanted so badly to lean in and kiss her. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
“I think you’re pretty amazing, too,” she whispered.
“When m
y mother told me about seeing you with that guy, Colton, I guess she could sense a weird vibe from me. She asked if it upset me.”
Even in the darkness, I could see her cheeks turn pink.
“You were jealous?”
I nodded. “You know the saying, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen? That’s what I did. I got the hell out of the kitchen—literally just got up from the table because I’ve never been able to lie to my mother.”
“Why were you afraid to tell her?”
“I didn’t want her to convince me to do the wrong thing. My mother is not a good influence. She’s very much a romantic, and she freaking adores you. I think she would love it if we were together. She has a lot of respect for you.”
Farrah’s expression turned sad. “But she doesn’t know Nathan like we do.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
She cleared her throat. “Well, your mother is very sweet. I’ve always liked her. Both of your parents are great.”
“When I spent those two weeks with them, it made me realize how lucky I am to have them.” I immediately regretted saying that. “I’m sorry. That was insensitive. I just meant—”
“No, no, no. It’s okay. I had my parents for as long as I did, and I was very fortunate for those fourteen years.” She gazed out at the pool. “I can still sometimes hear my mother talking to me. It’s like I know the type of advice she would give me for certain situations, even if she’s not here. I don’t have the same connection with my dad. He was a little bit harder to read. But the fact that I can sometimes sense my mother’s presence when I need her is a good thing.” She turned to me. “Anyway…I’m really glad you were here tonight. It’s been forever since I had a chance to talk to you. I’m relieved you’re not mad after the awkward run-in we had earlier.”
“I don’t have any reason to be mad at you. I just want you to be happy.”
She shrugged. “I’m trying.” She looked down at her hands. “Listen…that promise you made me a while back…about not bringing girls here—that’s not really fair. If I’m going to bring Colton around, you should be able to bring whomever you want home.”
The idea of him being here unsettled me. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to support it because Farrah needed to move on from any ideas she had about being with me.
I arched my brow. “You sure about that?”
“Yeah… I can’t guarantee I’m not going to hate her, but I have no right to tell you how to live your life. Besides, it would seem a little strange to Nathan if you never brought anyone by. Don’t you think?”
Other women were the furthest thing from my mind right now. All I wanted was to taste Farrah’s lips again.
“Are you going to bring this guy to the next movie night?” I asked.
She blinked a few times. “Maybe. I haven’t thought about it.”
Deciding to be a jealous wiseass, I raised my brow. “Where will you sit?”
Her face turned red. “What do you mean?”
I was a total asshole for bringing it up, but I couldn’t help myself. “Are you going to try to sit next to me even if he’s there?”
Her face turned even redder.
“You picked up on my little leg game. Congratulations.”
“It was a bit obvious, yeah. Especially when your leg would accidentally press against mine.”
“Yeah…but you didn’t exactly move away when that happened, did you?”
“No, I fucking didn’t. And I should probably go to hell for that.”
“Well, we’ll always have movie night.” She winked.
My dick stiffened at the thought of being that close to her again. Farrah had no idea how much her leg presses had riled me up inside.
I moved the subject along before I got hard thinking about it. “Okay, so that’s how we’re gonna handle it? You bring your dude over, and I’ll bring girls over. We’ll pretend like nothing ever happened between us…move on from all the awkwardness?”
“I think so.” She bit her lip, not seeming sure.
I nodded, still feeling jealous. “Right.”
“Promise me something.”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t avoid me from now on. I’ll do the same.”
I sighed, but I vowed to act like a damn adult moving forward.
I can do this. “That sounds like a plan.”
• • •
My promise not to avoid Farrah was put to the test the following week when Nathan informed me that his sister would be bringing her new boyfriend over for a poolside barbecue. I didn’t know why he used that term. Farrah had said things weren’t serious. Had something changed? Why the hell was I so damn invested in knowing?
Nathan and I were hanging out in the kitchen, preparing the food, when he started grilling me for information before Farrah arrived.
He sprinkled some spices over a tray of chicken wings. “You said you met this guy briefly, right?”
“Yeah.”
He wiped the excess seasoning off his hands. “What’s he like?”
I rolled some ground meat into a ball and patted it down hard—well, more like punched it. “He seemed nice. Respectful. I think she can do better looks-wise, but that’s me being shallow. I don’t have any reason not to trust him. I ran a background check on him. Nothing sinister came up. Lives over on Hyacinth—with his parents, which is fucking lame.”
Nathan rubbed the chicken. “He might be a loser.”
“Possibly,” I agreed.
“Thanks for looking into him. I’ll try to not give him too much shit, I guess, unless I have reason to.”
“I’m sure Farrah will appreciate that.”
Nathan washed his hands and took a beer out of the fridge. “If this dude is a decent guy, I don’t have anything to worry about, even if he does live with his parents. My concern with Farrah has always been that she’s going to end up messing around with the wrong type of person. She’s very fragile, even though she tries not to show it. After all the shit we’ve been through, she needs someone dependable. She couldn’t handle being cheated on. That guy she dated in high school broke her heart—didn’t cheat on her, but he dumped her before going away to school. Farrah needs to find someone who just wants to be with one person, someone who’ll treat her right and be there for her when she needs him.”
Exactly. The antithesis of me. “I agree. That’s the type of person she needs.”
Which is why even if she and I both weren’t so damn scared of hurting Nathan, I still wouldn’t be the right person for her. My track record sucked.
When the front door opened, I kept to myself in the kitchen, pounding the back of my hand into the meat mindlessly when I should’ve been forming it into burgers. Farrah and her little friend were talking out in the living room. I wasn’t sure where Nathan had gone, maybe to change into his swim shorts. I really wished he’d get the hell back out here, though. He was supposed to be my buffer.
Footsteps approached the kitchen, and the next thing I knew, Farrah appeared, wearing a sundress so thin her nipples peeked through. Now that this guy was standing in front of me, I could see he was pretty short. That made me perversely happy.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Farrah asked.
“Good,” I said, moving to the sink to wash my hands. When I’d finished, I sucked it up and extended my hand to him. “How ya doing, man?”
“Good. Nice to see you again. Did you ever find any dirt on me?” he asked.
“No. You’re clean as a whistle. Which is the only reason you’re here.”
“Good to know. I respect you looking out for her.”
I stared him straight in the face. “I always will.”
Farrah smiled at me, and our eyes locked. Then Nathan came in, and my focus shifted over to him.
“Nathan, this is Colton,” Farrah said, her voice a little shaky. “Colton, this is my brother, Nathan.”
Colton extended his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
Nath
an took it. “Same.”
Farrah looked between them. “Nathan has assured me that he’s going to be on his best behavior today.”
“So long as no one gives me a reason to act otherwise,” Nathan cracked.
Forcing myself to extend an olive branch, I said, “Can I get you a beer, Colton?”
“That’d be great.”
“Miller or Heineken?”
“I’ll take a Miller. Thanks.”
As I walked over to the fridge, Farrah said, “What? No beer for me?”
I would’ve rathered Farrah not drink today. Her inhibitions would loosen, and then she might do something with this guy she wouldn’t otherwise. I knew how that went firsthand. Nevertheless, I once again sucked it up. “You want a Miller, right?” I knew that was her favorite.
“Yes. And I was only teasing, Jace. I can get it myself.”
The way she batted her eyelashes made me want to lift her up and take her the hell out of here. I had serious issues. I knew she’d rather be with me right now instead of this tool. And I got off on that in a strange way.
Forcing my eyes off of her, I walked over to the fridge to grab the beers.
After handing the bottles to Farrah and her friend, I popped mine open and took a long swig.
Farrah ventured out to the pool area with Colton, and I stayed in the kitchen, though my eyes were glued to her through the sliding glass door. When she slipped her dress over her head, my heartbeat accelerated. It took everything in me not to run out there and cover her up with a towel. I’d always known she had a beautiful body, but for some reason it looked ten times more perfect to me right now—probably because my jealousy was amplifying every thought and emotion.
What the fuck had my life become? A matter of months ago I was living in North Carolina, minding my own business with a thriving career. Now I was back in Florida, cleaning up messes my dad made and lusting after my best friend’s little sister. Worse than that, I was unable to stop myself from thinking about her even when she wasn’t around. And I criticized my family for having addictions? Being addicted to a human had the added risk of harming the other person.
The Crush Page 12
