by Kiera Cass
That was how it always felt when we twirled around each other on the dance floor or paraded around the palace on the holy days; it was a marvelous adventure. And I had pitied those girls in the country, the ones out working the land owned by our families, who would never know the feeling of satin or be lifted off their feet in the middle of a volta. After the shock of being given the queen’s apartments wore off, I’d felt untouchable, like I’d finally proven wrong everyone who’d ever doubted me, showing my worth to the world as it was measured by the love of a king.
I had it all.
And yet, when Jameson placed a ring on my finger and a crown on my head, I knew it would feel as if I’d lost everything.
“My lady?” a concerned voice asked. I looked up to find Lord Eastoffe and his entire family crossing down the hallway toward the Great Hall. I realized I’d stopped to study a family as a father pointed out a beautiful arch in the castle ceiling. I shook my head, blushing as I stepped out of the way. “Are you troubled?”
“No,” I lied, trying to keep my eyes from settling on Silas too long. “I suppose after all the excitement of the recent company, I’m just a little low.”
He smiled. “In my younger years, I experienced that feeling more than once,” he commented, sharing a knowing look with his wife.
Lady Eastoffe looked at me warmly. There was something about her that made me want to rush into her arms. She’d fled her country presumably for the sake of her children. If I told her mine would be used as pawns in state affairs, she’d understand my pain. “Don’t worry, my Lady Hollis,” she said. “Crowning Day is on the horizon, yes? Scarlet’s eager to come and practice the dance soon. So there are still celebrations to look forward to.”
I forced a smile and nodded. “Thank you, my lady. There is a lot of preparation for Crowning Day yet to do. I will send word soon, Scarlet. I think some dancing would do us all good.”
Between Scarlet’s all-seeing eyes, Lady Eastoffe’s concerned smile, and Silas’s continued gazing at the floor, I guessed at least half of the family knew I was drowning in sadness and none of us could really talk about it.
“I’ll be waiting,” Scarlet said with a brief curtsy. I nodded in reply and continued on my way.
I fought the urge and lost. Halfway down the hall, I looked back.
Silas was watching me.
He gave me a small smile, and I did the same in turn. And then we both kept walking.
Dear Valentina,
You have been gone only a few days, and I already find myself longing for your company. I’m still quite overwhelmed by that contract. It made me aware of just how true everything you’d said was. Love might have gotten me to Jameson, but this life will not be as easy as I’d first hoped. After hearing how you came to the crown, I can’t imagine anyone gave you lessons in being queen. But if so, could you pass any of that wisdom on to me? Since you’ve left, I feel like I’m sinking in
“What are you writing?” Delia Grace walked past my desk, a little too close for comfort.
I crumpled up the paper. “Nothing.” I couldn’t send that to Valentina. I knew she’d understand, but I needed a way to ask that wouldn’t sound so pathetic if someone else got ahold of it.
“Are you well?” Delia Grace asked. “You look as pale as an Isolten.” She smiled at her own joke.
“I feel a little tired. Perhaps all those days of entertaining finally caught up with me.”
“You can lie to anyone else you like, Hollis, but you’re wasting your time when it comes to me.”
I looked up at her, and she was standing there with an eyebrow raised and a hand on her hip.
“Fine. It’s just . . . I thought I could turn being queen into something beautiful and fun. It seems being queen is twisting me instead. I don’t think I care for it.”
She lowered her face to mine. “You are going to have to find a way to deal with it. You’ve got it better than so many others. Your marriage isn’t arranged to some stranger, your parents aren’t sending you to a different country, you’re not twelve, for crying out loud!”
I sighed. I knew that others had it worse than I did in the husband department, but that didn’t make my own ache any less real.
I toyed with the golden dice sitting out on my table. “Did you feel sad for Valentina, then?” I asked.
She spurted out a laugh. “Didn’t you? With that old prune for a husband?”
“But was that all that made it so bad? Didn’t you see that, for all she had, she was lonely? Sad? Jameson loves me, and he will treat me better than Quinten treats her, but there are so many other little things I never considered. I’m just . . . What if, once he’s older and his love has cooled, all I’m left with is feeling like I’m another possession of the state? A crown jewel locked up in a room with no windows, only taken out when the people need their spirits lifted and good for little else?”
After a long pause, I turned to look at her, to gather her assessment of the idea, but all I found were her accusing eyes.
“Don’t do this,” she said. “If you fail, you drag me down, too. I can’t stand for it, Hollis, I won’t.”
“Would you ask me to be miserable so you could marry some reputable lord you don’t even care about so people will finally shut up about you?”
“Yes! It’s exhausting!” she lamented, bordering on tears that she refused to let fall. “I’ve lived an entire life with people whispering behind my back. And that was if they weren’t brazen enough to insult me to my face. Now I’m the principal lady for the queen, and that gives me a chance at being respected. Wouldn’t you take it if it was all you could get?”
“What if we could get something better?” I proposed.
“Better than a king? Hollis, you can’t do any better than that! And I certainly can’t do anything if you don’t follow through.” She was quiet for a moment. “What in the world has happened to you? What would make you think . . . Is there someone else?”
“No,” I replied quickly. “It’s the thought of losing . . . myself. The benefits of being queen are not lost on me. But neither are the ones of being a private person. First it was the lords and their many complaints. And then it was dealing with visiting royals. And now . . . Jameson’s promised our first daughter away.” I swallowed, hardly able to speak of it. “He could give all my children away. To anyone. To people who don’t even care about them.”
She inhaled deeply and allowed me to calm myself.
“Each challenge on its own is nothing too much to bear, but piling them on, one after another? I don’t know if I can take it.”
She shook her head and started muttering. “It should have been me.”
“What?”
She stood there, glaring at me with dark eyes that managed to look icy. “I said, it should have been me!”
She started walking away, deeper into the apartments as if they were hers. I hopped up to follow her. “What are you talking about?”
She rounded back on me, leaning forward, as angry as I’d ever seen her. “If you had been paying attention to anyone but yourself, you’d have seen that I was watching Jameson very carefully. I could see he was getting bored with Hannah. I knew he’d be ready for someone new soon. All these little rudimentary lessons you were taking to prepare for Quinten’s visit? I’ve already learned it all. There are plenty of books in that castle to teach you about Coroan history or relations with Isolte and Mooreland and Catal. You were just too lazy to ever go look.” She shook her head, gazing at the sky before coming back to me. “Did you know I can speak four languages?”
“Four? No. When did you—”
“Over the last several years while you were off making dances and whining about your parents. All you ever had to do was try, and you didn’t. But I did! I was perfecting myself. You don’t even look like a proper Coroan,” she shot out.
“Excuse me?”
“Everyone talks about it, about your wheat-colored hair. You’ve got Isolten in your blood. That or Bannir
ian. That’s part of why the lords complain. If he is going to marry a Coroan, she ought to look the part, and if he’s going to marry a foreigner, he ought to marry someone who could offer something to the crown.”
My eyes were stinging. “Well, there’s nothing you can do about it,” I spat. “It was destiny that made me fall into his arms.”
“Ha!” She countered. “No, it was my bad timing. I let go of your arms that night, Hollis.”
“No . . . we both—”
“I was trying to make you fall on your backside so I could rush over to your aid. I saw the king coming behind you and was intending to arrange a memorable meeting, one where he might be able to tell me apart from the scores of girls fawning over him. I thought if I could make an impression, he’d at least see me. But I let go at the wrong time, fell myself, and he caught you.” She said this with a bitterness that stung like arrows. “I made a mistake and erased myself from his thoughts completely.”
She raised a hand to her mouth, still looking like she might cry but never actually allowing the tears to fall. I was too stunned to respond. I knew she had designs for a better life, but I didn’t know how high they went. I didn’t know they meant to bypass me entirely. But then her eyes met mine, softer than before. Sad, desperate. I found myself feeling sorry for her more than angry at her.
“Why didn’t you say anything? You’re clever enough that we could have turned his head.”
She shrugged. “I thought I’d have my chance when he got bored with you, as he seemed to do with all the ladies before. But then, the way he kept looking at you . . . I could tell something was happening, and then what could I have said? You have been my closest friend. . . . When everyone was muttering that I was a bastard, you ignored them; you stayed with me. It was the least I could do for you. I told myself that helping you would be like winning myself. That’s why I worked my way into place as your lady as quickly as I could; it would be my only chance to rise up with you. But you don’t even want it. And watching you be exalted while I’ve become your attendant is harder than I thought it would be.”
“I never meant to exalt myself,” I replied sincerely, finally understanding why she’d been so on edge these last weeks. I crossed the space between us, taking her hand. “And you aren’t a servant to me. You are my oldest, truest friend. You know more about me than anyone, and I trust you with all my secrets.”
She shook her head. “Not all of them.” Again, her eyes were searching mine, going deeper than most, trying to see what I was too frightened to show. “I know you’ve been hiding something, and I can’t figure out what’s made you suddenly want to abandon the goal every eligible woman in Coroa was aiming for.”
“If you were standing where I am, you would understand. It’s terrifying to discover that freedom is not what you thought. That love is not what you thought.”
When she spoke next, I couldn’t pinpoint her tone. Something between sympathy and anger, never really falling into one or the other. “But isn’t this worth it? Would you rather be the scandal of court? If you leave him now, you will ruin me, and worst of all, you will destroy Jameson.”
I stared off, weighing everything in my head, knowing there was no real way to win. Either I had what I wanted, or everyone else had what they did. . . .
“You’re actually considering—?” Delia Grace shook her head and went to leave.
“Wait,” I commanded her.
It was a credit to Jameson’s taste in women that I possessed the tenor to make her obey. She turned around with a huff.
“Of course I’m marrying Jameson. For a long time now, there’s been no other choice for me. So, if Jameson has settled upon me, then you must already have an alternate in mind. You’ve planned everything else. So give me a name.”
She squinted at me. “What do you mean?”
“Who do you want?”
She didn’t have to think. “Alistair Farrow. Good estate, a respected name, but not so high up that he’d be in a position to turn me down should you arrange something.”
“Do you love him?”
“Don’t be stupid, Hollis. Love is the final course at a feast that I’m still waiting to be invited to.”
I nodded. “Then it’s done.” I pressed nonexistent wrinkles out of my dress and went back to my stack of papers, still unsure of what to say to Valentina.
“Wait, Hollis?” I looked to Delia Grace, who was standing there bewildered. “What about Jameson? Do you love him?”
“In a way,” I admitted. “I love that he is happier when I’m near. And even if my parents are disappointed in me, I love them. And even if you’re angry with me, I love you. With everything that’s happened, I love you.”
There was silence and a decade of memories floating between us. Beyond anyone, Delia Grace had supported and cared for me through every moment of the last ten years. She had a most precious place in my heart.
“So it’s time to let everything else go. And when Jameson proposes, I will marry. For love.”
Twenty-Three
“CROWNING DAY,” NORA SAID, BURSTING into the room later that same afternoon. “He’s proposing on Crowning Day, after the ceremony.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
She nodded, crossing to Delia Grace. “Lord Warrington’s wife said her husband has been whining about it in private. She’s quite supportive of you, actually, but Lord Warrington thinks that Jameson should marry for international advantage.”
“Well, he’s in the minority now. Ever since that stunt with Valentina and the crowns, everyone’s started backing Hollis.” Delia Grace’s words were tinged with sadness, though nothing that sounded bitter. It was much easier to be around her now, knowing everything. “The sooner the king proposes, the better. Once you’re queen, no one in their right mind will oppose you,” she said to me, adding a tiny smile at the end.
Nora came over and grabbed my hands. “Congratulations,” she said, tilting her head.
“That’s very sweet, but maybe let’s wait for the actual ring.”
She laughed, then sighed, pulling her hands back. “So that’s two days away. We need to finally get the dance together, and put the finishing touches on your dress. . . . I wonder if the king will send more jewels for you.”
I turned back to the mirror as she went on with her list of wonders and concerns. I sat as Delia Grace brushed my hair out, neither of us quite able to muster any excitement.
“And one, two, three, turn!” Delia Grace called, spinning back to back with Nora. With all that we had to do for the recent visit from King Quinten, there was no time left to prepare for Crowning Day the way I would have in the past. In the end, the dance was mostly pieces from ones we already knew but arranged differently; not even Delia Grace, with all her skills, could combat time. Still, it would be pretty, and everyone was moving together so nicely. Scarlet was with me, turning to the bright sound of the violin.
“Are you having fun?” I asked, though her wide smile gave her away completely.
“I am. I miss many things about home,” she began. “The food, the scent of the air. But I do love that you all dance here almost nightly. Back in Isolte, we only dance on special days, for tournaments and things.”
“Well, you’re a Coroan now,” I said, touching her wrist to mine and walking in a circle. “We’ll have to catch you up on years and years of dancing. Though maybe Delia Grace would be a better instructor. She’s always been the superior dancer.”
Delia Grace gave us a thin smile before doing her next steps. “Not quite good enough,” she mumbled.
Scarlet looked at me with questioning eyes, but I just shook my head. It was far too much to explain, especially considering the role her brother played in it all.
We went through, step by step, making sure everyone knew the moves by heart; all eyes would be on us, so we couldn’t make a mistake.
Luckily for us, Scarlet was a natural. Though we had to go over steps multiple times for her to commit them to memory,
when she performed them, there was an easy grace to the movements.
“So beautiful, Scarlet. You made me think you danced so rarely that you might struggle. The way you move your hands is particularly lovely.”
“Thank you,” she said as we moved. “Honestly, I think it may come from using a sword.”
“Your brother didn’t mention your skill with a sword,” I commented, still going through the steps. If he had, I would have remembered. I’d been working hard to banish Silas Eastoffe from my thoughts, but I couldn’t forget all our tiny moments together, all the things he’d said. If pressed, I could recall the entirety of our conversations.
“Practicing moving in a gown with a heavy piece of metal in your hand will make you light on your feet.”
I laughed. “I suppose. Come to think of it, Silas danced with me recently, and he did a wonderful job.” Stop talking about him, Hollis. It isn’t helping. “Perhaps it’s also a family trait.”
“Perhaps.” She spun around. “My family is very important to me. We’re all we have left now.”
There was something slightly accusatory in her tone. “That’s not true. You’re doing so well.”
She shook her head as we went through the moves a final time. “You must realize we are not completely welcome here. Our former king views us as traitors, we have to work now, which is fine but new. . . . No one outside our family truly understands what we’re going through. I wouldn’t want anyone hurting my family . . . even if it came from a place of love.” She looked up at me from under blond lashes, her eyes pleading.
I swallowed. I wondered if he’d told or if she just knew. Scarlet and Delia Grace seemed to have a skill for that, for knowing things. I spoke softly, hoping the violin would mask my words. “Please believe me when I say, I would never intentionally hurt your family.”
“Intent doesn’t matter if it happens anyway.”
I inhaled sharply, looking around to make sure no one was within earshot. “You have nothing to worry about. Besides, I’ve learned that Jameson plans to propose at the celebration for Crowning Day.”
