by Nikki Lane
“It’s kind of amazing how much he’s changed since we first met.”
She smiled. “That’s what love will do to you. It’ll make you want to change to be better. And my brother loves you, Rose. Because as much as we’ve been begging him to take better care of himself, he never listened. Until you came along.”
My cheeks blushed, overwhelmed with the compliment.
“It’s true, by the way. About Princeton. Got a scholarship and everything. Dad practically did a back flip. It’s where our grandfather went. He was a geologist.” She said the words just as the food arrived at the table.
But I had no interest in my grilled shrimp salad. I wanted to know more. Kelly was putting out, and I wanted to go all the way.
“What happened?” I asked, on the edge of my seat.
“Kieran wanted to pay his brother back anyway he could. He’d forgot about college and started working for Aiden. For years, he refused to be paid. I thought he was crazy. After Aiden died, Kieran felt like he owed it to his big brother to carry on something he was proud of, so he took over the landscaping company. They have a bunch of huge contracts.”
“Kieran owns the landscaping company?”
It felt like something he should be proud to share. A business owner at his age? That couldn’t have been a common thing, or an easy one.
“What did Aiden do?”
I felt like Frodo at the top of Mount Doom. I was so close to tossing that ring in the fire, to discovering the secret that silently choked Kieran.
Kelly opened her mouth to say more but stopped short when she saw the look of confusion on my face. Kieran was rounding the corner, his eyes in a frantic search. Our eyes met, and he stomped toward the table.
“Rose, get up. We’re leaving.”
“Kieran—”
“Just stay out of this,” he growled at Kelly. “Come on, Rose. Get up.”
“No,” I shrieked.
I saw John round the corner, his face covered in panic. Kelly shot him a look, and he raised his hands like he had no other choice. Kieran took a handful of my arm and tried to guide me out of my seat.
“Kieran,” I protested. “This is ridiculous. I’m just having lunch with your sister.”
“Just let her be, Kieran. You’re making a scene.” Kelly whispered the words but they came out as a threat.
John put on a hand on Kieran’s shoulder, but he brushed it away.
“I’m not leaving without you, Rose.”
I shot out of the booth, accidently hitting the table and shaking the dishes and silverware. If people weren’t staring before they sure as hell were now. He tried to reach for my arm, but I slapped him away.
“Don’t you fucking touch me,” I hissed.
I stomped out of the restaurant, feeling embarrassed and guilty at the same time. I heard Kelly say something to John about having the food wrapped up and taking care of the bill. She followed Kieran and me outside.
“Let me have your keys,” Kieran said to her. “You can drive home with John.”
“No fucking way you’re driving my car in your condition and with Rose in it.” She was always so poised and articulate that hearing her cuss was jarring.
Kieran cursed enough to put any trucker to shame as we piled into Kelly’s car. I sat up front, while Kieran sulked in the backseat. The ride back to the house was eerily calm, like the few peaceful moments of sunshine before the eye of the hurricane.
Kelly barely had the car parked when I hopped out. Kieran called my name as I pummeled the asphalt driveway to get inside. The automatic garage door barely creaked open before I slipped through, hoping the door to get inside was unlocked. Sweet relief hit for a just few precious seconds when it opened.
“What are doing?” Kieran said as I plodded upstairs to throw all my shit in my bag.
“I’m going home.”
“Good. I’m coming with you.”
“The hell you are.” I slammed the door shut and locked it.
“Just let her go, Kieran!” I heard Kelly yell from the kitchen.
“This all your fucking fault,” he replied.
I stilled, trying to listen in.
“My fault?” she shrieked.
“And you all wonder why I never fucking come around anymore.”
“You’re not blaming me for fucking this up. This is nobody’s fault but you’re own.”
I didn’t hear anything from him, and I shoved the rest of my stuff in the bag and opened the door.
But Kelly wasn’t finished. “Maybe if you tried to be honest for once in your fucking life. She’s a good person, Kieran, and she loves you. Stop hiding from her.”
“Just stay the fuck out of it, okay?”
“Why? That’s all anybody’s been doing for the last year. What’s that done? Why do you think your life doesn’t matter anymore? Nobody blames you, Kieran. When are you going to see that?” A few beats passed before she said, “Just tell her.”
I headed back downstairs, but this time my feet were whispers on the steps. Kieran caught a glimpse of me. I slowly edged around the banister.
“Tell me what?” I said, barely audible compared to Kelly’s yelling.
He looked to his sister. “Don’t,” he warned. His voice was low and menacing.
But Kelly wasn’t giving in. I stood at the physical threshold of the foyer and the kitchen, but also between the mystery of Kieran and the key that unlocked it all.
“Tell her,” she said, her voice steady and calm but still firm. You knew what she was about to say wasn’t going to come easy. “Tell her about when you were sick.”
Kieran’s face contorted as he clenched his jaw. “Don’t,” he pleaded.
“Tell her about Aiden and what he did. About the accident. If you owe Aiden anything, it’s to start being appreciative of the life you’re still living.”
The floor was slipping away from me. I braced my arm on the wall, feeling like I was going to hit the hardwood. “What is she talking about, Kieran?”
But he didn’t answer me, and the only other thing to do was leave. And so I did.
Chapter 31
I could barely see the road. The tears hit as soon as I was in the car, and they were relentless. It got so bad that I had to pull over. I sobbed until my sockets couldn’t produce any more tears. Even after all that, Kieran still couldn’t open up to me. It hurt. It hurt deep inside my fucking soul.
He let me walk away.
I wiped under my eyelids and threw my hair into a messy bun before veering back onto the road. I kept replaying the scene in the kitchen over and over, hearing Kelly’s words reverberate in my head. Kieran sick? He was young and healthy. Images of him lumbering in the yard popped into my head. A chill crept from my head to my toes when I thought about my hands over his muscular build. Sick? I couldn’t picture it. I didn’t want to picture it. The thought terrified me.
I pulled into my driveway, feeling little relief at being home. I had to fucking pee again. I wanted to lock myself in my room and pretend nobody else existed. Kieran’s truck skidded to a halt right behind me, catching me off-guard. The truck was barely parked before he was jumping out.
“Rose, wait,” he called as I rushed inside.
“Don’t, Kieran.” I choked the words out through the looming tears.
He sprinted to the porch. I tried to close the door, but he held it open.
“Please, baby. Let me in.”
It was the first time he called me that sober, and somehow the word melted over me. There was pleading in the way he said it. I relented and stepped away from the door. Kieran followed me inside, but I only heard his footsteps and the sound of the door closing. My back was turned, and I couldn’t face him. Too afraid of the look on his face. Too afraid of what he was going to say. The room was quiet except for the few sniffles I whimpered out.
“There’s so much I want to tell you, but I’m scared, Rose.”
I steadied my breathing. “Scared of what, Kieran?” Another leveling b
reath. “Why can’t you trust me?”
“I do trust you. It’s just….” He couldn’t get himself to finish the sentence.
I got up to leave the room.
“When I was eighteen, I went to get a physical. I was going to play baseball in college.”
I turned at the sound of his voice. I needed to look him in the eye. To show him that I was strong enough, and he didn’t need to hide from me anymore.
“The doctor felt a lump under my arm.” He gestured to the spot. “Right in my arm pit. He said it was probably nothing, but he wanted to keep an eye on it. Well, it didn’t go away. A biopsy and a shit load of medical tests later, and he tells me I have cancer. Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. My last few months of high school were a complete fucking waste. I couldn’t even walk at graduation.”
My breath caught in my throat. For a few passing seconds, I couldn’t breathe.
“It was months of chemo, radiation…it destroyed my body. I had to jack off in a cup so they could freeze it, since they told me that when it was all over I probably wouldn’t have anything left. And after all that, it still didn’t take the cancer away.” He swiped his hand over his mouth and bowed his head. It took a few seconds but he continued. “And then the doctor said something to my parents about a bone marrow transplant. How Aiden was a match.” He smiled at some faint memory. “He saved my fucking life, Rose.”
I took a few careful steps closer.
“It wasn’t easy, but I was determined. And Aiden was there, cheering me on the whole way. Some days I wanted to rip the bastard’s head off because he was so damn optimist. He knew it would work.” He half laughed, his eyes watering. “But he put up with my bitching. He never left my side. Not for a second. And I got better. He was right.”
“Kieran…” I didn’t want to say too much. It was time to listen, not talk. Kieran had come a long way, we both had. I wasn’t going to mess this up.
“About a year and a half ago, we’re in the truck together coming back from a job, I’m driving, and I can’t even remember how it happened exactly, but I woke up and the truck was wrapped around a telephone pole. Aiden was slumped over. His head broke through the fucking window. He died, Rose. He fucking died right there. A guy falls asleep behind the wheel and T-bones us into a fucking pole.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran to him and pulled him close, holding him tight as he sobbed into my shoulder.
“It’s okay,” I whispered.
His shoulders shuddered, all the pain and guilt for his brother’s death pouring out.
“They said it wasn’t my fault, but I know it was. It was my fault. I was driving. I couldn’t protect him, I couldn’t help him like he helped me.”
The final missing piece of the puzzle finally clicked in, revealing a beautifully tragic picture. He took a deep breath, and I gently pulled back to see his reddened eyes and puffy lids. The jaggedness was fading, and soon I couldn’t see it at all.
“It’s not true, Kieran. I know Aiden would never blame you. I just know it. It was an accident. I’m so sorry.”
I held him tighter. I wanted to squeeze out all his pain, his guilt. It had been dragging him down for too long.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said.
“Because…” He gently shook his head, swiping his palm under his eyes. “When we first met, you were fucking mean and weren’t afraid to be straight with me.”
I thought back to the day we met.
“And I loved it. It was such a fucking relief. I didn’t have to explain anything to you. You didn’t look at me like my parents do. My sister. Anyone who knows the truth. That I’m a ticking timebomb. That if it weren’t for me, Aiden would still be here. You accepted me as I was. And if I knew then how fucking in love with you I would be right now, I would have told you sooner, but I was afraid because I didn’t want anything to change.”
He took a deep breath and locked his eyes on me. “I didn’t think I was worth anything, so that’s how I acted. Worthless. Until I met you, Rose. You made me think about the person I was being…and I didn’t fucking like what I saw. And you deserve better than that. And I want to be better for you.”
I held his head in my hands. “Nothing’s going to change, Kieran. I love you. And I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
His hands covered mine. He held them close to his lips and gave them a soft kiss. He bent his forehead to meet mine, and I caressed the side of his angled jaw.
“I was angry,” he said. “And I didn’t think the pain would ever end. That I would always feel this way. And that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten better because maybe he would still be here.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I whispered. “And I couldn’t imagine this world without you in it. I need you, Kieran. I need you here with me. And don’t you think for a fucking second that I’m ever going to give it to you easy. Because I’m not.”
“I know,” he replied. “I’m counting on it.”
* * * *
I used a sick day at work that Wednesday to go with Kieran to his doctor’s appointment. It was no wonder his family was concerned. He missed his quarterly check-ups for the last two years.
I held his hand as Dr. Branson explained a few details about the disease to me, including the eighty percent five-year survival rate for a stage three diagnosis such as Kieran’s.
“Once your five years are up, then you can come into the office for follow-ups once a year. Of course, you’ve missed quite a few appointments, so we have some catching up to do.”
He asked him about any symptoms, and Kieran shook his head. I stepped out of the room while he gave Kieran a physical exam. When I came back, he ordered a slew of tests, including blood work and a CT scan.
“Call me if you feel any symptoms,” Dr. Branson said as he scribbled on Kieran’s paperwork. “Relapse can happen years after a transplant.”
My stomach lurched at the thought.
“Although, it’s very rare after five years. It’s also important that we watch for long-term side effects from your treatment.”
He also mentioned Kieran’s fertility damage would most likely be permanent, since he received such high doses of chemo and radiation. “Although, there is a small chance it could return. It’s not unheard of for patients to be able to produce children some years after lymphoma treatment.”
When it was over, he smiled and shook our hands, saying something to Kieran about his father’s golf game. He left us alone in the room, and we waited for the nurse to come back with Kieran’s flu shot and the paperwork for his tests.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Kieran asked. His voice seemed to echo in the tiny, sterile room.
“Of course,” I replied. “Why would you ask that?”
“But what about what you said to me at the wedding?”
I scrunched my face, trying to think of what I said. “What?”
“Marriage, kids, happily ever after.”
“You remember that?”
“It won’t come easy with me.”
“I don’t want it to be easy.” I wrapped my arms around his neck as he sat on the examination table. “As long as we’re together, that’s all that matters to me. And that you’re healthy. We’ll work out all the details later.” I leaned in and gave him a kiss just as the nurse walked in.
We were able to get everything done that day at the hospital. It was mostly quiet during the ride home. Kieran held my hand, and I nuzzled in close as he drove.
“How long does it usually take for the results to come back?” I asked.
“Few days.”
It would be the longest few days ever. Although, we left the doctor’s office with hopeful news, I still couldn’t shake the feeling of something out of my control could take Kieran away from me.
“Hey,” he said, shaking me a bit. “Don’t you start worrying.”
I peered up at him and smiled. “I’m not worried a bit.”
When we got home, we both collapsed on my couch. We ordere
d takeout and spent the rest of the night holed up in the house. I laid my head on Kieran’s lap as he stroked my hair, and I took a moment to really appreciate how it felt. When the movie was over, I led Kieran to the bedroom. And even though we were both exhausted by the day, it wasn’t long before his bare body was pressed against mine. I held on to his back, wanting him as close and deep as possible. I let out a small cry as his body shuddered and then released. We lay together during those few blissful moments, our bodies still connected. Kieran positioned himself on his back, and I rested in the crook of his arm, counting his breaths as he slept. I wrapped my arms around his torso and rested my head on his rising and falling chest, feeling reassured by the thudding of each heartbeat I heard. The calming rhythm lulled me to sleep as one final thought lingered. How could I ever live without this?
Chapter 32
Kieran
I was fucking nervous, and Rose was starting to catch on. It was getting harder and harder to make up excuses of why I’d been acting so strange. But I was waiting for the right time to tell her. And it fucking hurt like hell to hold back from her because I could see she didn’t understand why.
She barely talked me those last few days. Ever since I yelled at her for harping on me about calling the doctor back. I didn’t mean to yell, but I had to be convincing. She sure as shit was persistent and wouldn’t let up. But it was part of the reason why I fell in love with her. She promised she wouldn’t be easy on me, and I knew she would make good on it. That and she was the freshest breath of air I’d ever taken.
I kept glancing over at her as she pouted in my truck. Even with a scowl on her face, she was beautiful. She sat with her arms crossed, staring out of the window. I tugged a lock of her air to get her attention, but she ignored me.
“What are you doing?” she asked when I made the wrong turn.
“It’s a surprise,” I said, knowing that would just piss her off more.
“What?” she mumbled. “Now?”
“It’s your birthday,” I said. “Try to act like you’re having fun.”
She rolled her eyes and relaxed her arms. “We have to be at your parent’s house in fifteen minutes, Kieran.”
