She knelt down beside him again. She feared the answer to her next question, yet she felt she already knew the answer. She placed a loving hand on his arm.
“What happened, Gash? Where is Lum?”
Gash did not respond.
“Gash I can see the sorrow in your eyes. It is useless to attempt to hide it from me. Please speak to me. What happened?”
At this, Gash’s eyes darted back to her. He longed to tell her, yet he felt he could not. He did not understand his own actions. The madness of it drove him back into himself and he turned his body away from her, his arm slipping from her hand. Marian breathed out a breath in frustration. Still, she spoke gently, trying desperately to aid him in releasing his burden.
“Gash, you cannot hold it in,” she told him. “It will turn to bitterness if you let it.”
Gash still did not respond, though his eyes shifted in thought. Marian let out another breath and stood.
“Very well,” she said. “Perhaps in time you will find yourself willing to speak of it. But you did come here, almost to my very door, for some reason. And if you do not speak of it to me, you will eventually speak of it to someone, and they may not be as sympathetic as I. You know the way into my cabin.”
Marian then turned, picked up the bowl of rags and headed for the stairs, leaving Gash staring out into the forest beyond the cave.
************
Five days passed with no change in Gash’s behavior. Each day, she would go down into the cave with some broth, bread, and water and find Gash in his same spot. She would place the meal before him and ask him if he felt like talking to her. But each time he would not respond. And so she left him, returning later to collect the food of which he had not so much as taken a bite.
Then, one morning, as Gash sat in his spot, his mind heavy with thought, he heard Marian’s voice distantly somewhere outside the cave.
“Oh. Welcome to you,” she said. “It is good to see you…I am well, thank you…thank you…I understand…Very well, I will fetch him for you.”
A few moments later, Marian came around the outside entrance of the cave.
“You have a visitor, Gash,” she told him and began to walk away when she noticed Gash not to be following. Her tone then changed from gentleness to that of motherly strictness as her hands went to her hips. “Gash Bloodaxe. You may be rude to me all you want, but as long as you are in my care, you will not be rude to our guests, or I will throw you out into the forest and you can sulk in silence alone.”
That got his attention. He moved his head to look up at her.
“Do you want that?”
Like a frightened child, Gash shook his head.
“Good. Now get on your feet. Come now, get up.”
Slowly, Gash stood, the stiffness of sitting still for so long thick in his members.
“Now come around to the stair. Your visitor is waiting.”
Marian then walked out of sight, Gash following slowly behind her. When at last he rounded the corner, his eyes fell upon the stair, Marian, and the leaf-cloaked form of Lilliandra. The two spoke with each other, but stopped at Gash’s approach. Gash stopped in his tracks at the sight.
After a moment, Marian turned back to Lilliandra and said in a submissive tone, “I will take my leave.”
Lilliandra nodded in thanks and then turned back to Gash as Marian turned and walked up the stairway to her cabin. Gash limped the rest of the way across the hill until he stood upon the stone steps before the ghostly light elf. The two stared at each other in silence for long moments. The chilled wind blew past them, ruffling Lilliandra’s cloak of still green leaves. Her eyes were clear emeralds still seeming to reflect that summer sky under which he had first met her. Her face was as fair and beautiful as ever, more so for the beauty and wisdom she had shared. But as he stared at her, he felt a sting of bitterness in his heart towards her. He figured she must have noticed, for at last, she spoke.
“Why do you linger here, Gash?” she said gently. “Your allies lie east, awaiting your leadership and aid. Your enemy is north and east. They are moving south along the coast and will soon be upon the Dwarven army which has at last gathered its forces. The dwarves are formidable, but they do not understand the vast numbers they face. Your leadership and strength are needed.”
Gash stared at her a moment. Did she truly not know?
“Will you not speak to me either?” she asked him.
Gash turned his head away. Her beauty and compassion again shamed him, melting his bitterness which part of him desired to hold to. He could not bear to look at her.
‘You do not understand,’ his thoughts spoke in his mind, though he had no will to give voice to them.
‘But I do, Gash.’
Gash snapped his head to look back at her. It was not the voice he had known. It was hers, yet it came to him perfectly clear and without flaw. It seemed not to come from the direction in which she stood, but from every direction, yet in a single voice. He studied her face. It looked just as it had before she spoke. Had she spoken?
‘Yes, Gash, I have,’ her voice came again, though this time he had watched and saw no movement save the gentle wind rustling the thin strands of her hair. ‘It is a gift of my race, the light elves, as is my ability to hear your thoughts should I so choose.’
‘Why…’ he thought, though he found it strange communicating with her in this way. ‘Why do you do it only now? Why did you not read me before as when we first met?’
‘Because the last time, you had no trouble speaking to me. And the first time, you did not know me to reveal your heart. If I have offended you, please forgive me.’
She bowed her head, her long hair falling from her shoulders.
‘You have not,’ Gash replied in thought. ‘I am glad you did so.’
She raised her head to look at him again.
‘You have suffered great pain, Gash of the Bloodaxe. Do not think you are alone in this. I understand more than you know, as does Marian. But your tongue is bound because the pain and confusion is great.’
‘I looked for you, but I did not find you. When we had to stop searching, I shouted for you, but you did not come. I trusted him that he would bring you. But he did not.’
‘Did you search for him?’
Gash had to admit to himself that he hadn’t.
‘You sought his aid and you were right in doing so. But did you seek his sovereignty? Have you, since that time, sought to understand from him the things that now plague your heart?’
Gash looked at the ground, deeply grieved, not only by her words but by the events those words resurrected in his mind. He felt a soft hand on his cheek and looked up at the pearly-skinned elf. His heart raged within him. Was he angry at her, at her god, or at himself? The lack of an answer stung almost as much as the pain.
‘I know you hurt greatly,’ Lilliandra’s voice sounded in his tortured mind. ‘But I plead with you, do not turn from him. He is the only good in this accursed world.’
His thoughts came weak and scattered. Still, he managed them.
‘I…I have not…turned from him.’
‘You remain here grieving and seeking solace with Marian’s presence and within your own mind, rather than calling out for mercy to the god of all mercy. Anytime you seek your own will, even in the slightest, rather than his, you turn from him, whether you intend to or not.
‘I know you want no more of death. You fear that you may face more if you move from this very spot. But you cannot remain here forever. You know this. Death, Gash, is the wages of turning from the Godking. Turn from him and you will embrace death.’
‘I just…do not understand.’
‘I can only tell you so much. You must seek him to understand his will, and even then I cannot promise you will understand it fully, but only enough that you are able to rest in his sovereignty. But this I can offer you: To him she is most precious, but to you, she was a lesson.’
Gash stood flabbergasted.
‘A l
esson?’
The word clattered and echoed in his mind and struck him like a spear to his heart. His thoughts came garbled amidst a mix of emotion. How could she be reduced to such a thing? It made no sense to him and only deepened his sense of confusion and injustice. He backed away from her touch, his teeth gritted. He felt as if he might go mad from the chaos raging in his mind.
‘What… you mean?’ Gash managed. ‘She lesson? In What? Pain? Death? Cruelty? I know these! From youth! What lesson? How she lesson?’
Calmly, and as softly as ever, Lilliandra’s voice sounded around him.
‘Love.’
Gash stood stunned out of his rage as she continued.
‘You have wished to know what it means for the Father to love you. The affection you felt for Lum, and the willingness to sacrifice even your own life to save hers is the love the Father has for you and for all his children, only infinitely more. The proof will be in the arrival of the Coming One and death of the Godson. But this is not to say that a lesson is all that Lum was. She is his child much more than she ever was yours.’
Gash stood there, slack-jawed.
‘But…’ he began, stammering, ‘…why? Why this way? Why this pain? Have I not known enough? Why more now? Why it not stop?’
‘I warned you that the road you have chosen is narrow. Did I not say to you that you would be broken many times before the end? This is but the first. If you have strived with men and they have wearied you, how will you contend with giants? This is not the end of things, Gash. There is much more pain to face, but much victory as well. He provides each of us the strength we need to do his will. Though we be broken, yet are we made stronger. You know this truth. Do not forsake the path for the comfort of solitude. It leads to nothing but death.’
‘But…how? How I move on…from this? I not forget. It wrong.’
‘No. We never forget those we love. But neither do we remain in the tragedy of our circumstances. We look to him to pull us through and we look to those who serve him who have been there already.’
At that moment, Marian stepped up beside them.
“You called for me, m’lady?” she asked Lilliandra.
Lilliandra glanced at her, then placed her hands on Gash’s cheeks and leaned him down to touch his forehead to her own. With closed eyes, she prayed in the clear voice in his mind.
‘Great Father,
Great is your faithfulness and love.
Loose this one’s tongue, I pray, according to your abundant mercy, and set him on the right path again.’
Lilliandra then released him and turned to Marian.
“I must ask you to do something that will be difficult,” she told her, speaking audibly.
Marian gathered courage for whatever was coming, and replied, “You have but to ask, m’lady.”
“Tell Gash of your tale, how you came to be known as Marian of the Wood. His tongue is loosed and he will listen.”
The last statement she said looking back to Gash. Gash nodded weakly.
“You are not staying?” Marian surmised.
“I’m afraid I cannot,” Lilliandra replied, “though I wish to remain with you much longer. Know that my heart and my prayers are with you both. Farewell to you. May I see you again.”
She and Marian then gave each other a brief embrace before she turned away, placed a hand briefly on Gash’s shoulder, walked down the stair, and headed west along the muddy road. They watched her go, cloak rustling in the growing wind.
“Come, Gash, let us get inside by the fire,” Marian said turning to walk up the steps.
Gash lingered, watching Lilliandra go a moment longer, and then turned and followed.
*************
Marian sat in her rocking chair and Gash sat before the fire, facing her, at last eating the meal set before him. The heat felt good against his back, the warm food filling in his belly. Marian sat and rocked for long moments, thinking on how best to start.
“My husband, Dran and I came to the Valley of the Maw by way of the Ocean Path. We had been living in Drisdan in the land of Dorlain. Our eldest child, our daughter, was just turning twelve. There was a great upheaval in the land at that time and we feared for our children. So, we decided to move. We went north with the next caravan. We might have stopped in some other more northern city, but I did not feel safe there. The orcs made me nervous. They inhabited that land greatly at that time. I had no prejudice against them, mind you, but I had…experienced their society and their ways and knew the danger they posed. The presence of the Knights of was of little comfort to me. What was a comfort was the presence of the dwarves of the Wild Lands, the bordering desert and mountains, and the notion I had learned that the south was forbidden among the orcs of the Northlands. I knew not why, but I was not willing to question it at the time.
“When we stopped to camp in the Valley, Dran decided we would stay here. He was a large man, almost as large as you, Gash, and had a lean-to built quickly, and this cabin built within a week’s time. He thought it wise to build an escape route in case some rogue orcs decided they might violate their law and head south. So he dug out the tunnel through which you and Mara escaped. Unfortunately, it did us little good.
“About a year after we had moved here, three orcs from the north came to the valley, bearing the symbol of Grot on their bodies. They came while Dran was away hunting.”
Marian’s voice shook as she continued, tears falling as her mind recalled. Her hands rubbed the scars on her wrists.
“Those monsters made me watch as they tortured my Litta, Josie, and little Marko to death. Just before Marko died, Dran returned, fought with the orcs, and killed them. I think that they did not expect one who equaled them in strength and was smarter than them. We buried the children. He decapitated the orc bodies before burying them and set the heads on pikes at the northern entrance to the valley. When he returned, he made repairs to the house, and then suddenly announced that he was leaving. It seems that his whole joy in life was his son and he had no desire to remain with me without him. I was beyond child-bearing years and so there was no possibility of having another. Dran said that he had to leave this life and could not do it so long as he remained with me. And so he left. I watched him go until I could not see him anymore and then I just sat there, not knowing what to do next.
“I grieved long, for my children and my husband. When your love leaves you, it is the same as a death, yet so much worse because you know they are alive, and yet you cannot be with them. I prayed much and ate nothing. I do not know how I was sustained, but I was.
“Some weeks later, I was awakened from sleep by a knock at my door. I did not know who it could have been as no one had stopped before. I was still greatly in pain and wished the person to leave, but the knocking sounded again. At last I rose and opened to find a white-skinned elf standing in the rain, her cloak was made of leaves and her hood was pulled. It was Lilliandra, though I knew not who she was at the time. I bade her enter and fed her the last of my meal that I had in the house. It mattered little to me as I had no will to collect any more. She sat and warmed herself and ate long. She said very little and I was too distraught at the time to ask her. When she had finished she spoke to me, asking me if I knew the Godking. I told her I did, but intended to speak no more of it, so wrapped up in my pain was I. However I was not able to hide my heart from her. She told me of how I felt abandoned by him. She coaxed me into opening up to her. And then she comforted me concerning him and concerning my loss. We stayed up till late that night talking. She spoke to me of the Godking, of his sovereignty and his love. I told her all that had happened and she shared with me a matter she considered most precious and private. And I learned that I was not alone in my pain.
“She became sullen when she spoke of it. But then she brightened again as her conversation shifted again to her god. How her face glowed. I had never seen such joy.
“Early the next morning, she prepared to set out. She turned to me and thanked me for the meal an
d the words. I thanked her and embraced her. I had been strengthened knowing I did not suffer alone. Then she took my head in her hands and placed her forehead to mine. She spoke some words in what I guessed was her native tongue and then pulled away, staring at me with a smile.
“‘A mother you were and a mother you shall be,’ she said. ‘Your words shall be heeded by those who hear. Only if few are united in purpose may they resist your commands. Your meal shall never run dry, nor your wood not burn, nor your life ever be forfeit whilst you are in this wood.’ She then departed. That…was fifteen-hundred years ago.”
Gash stared at her. Half of him not surprised with what he had already seen from Lilliandra, and half of him shocked by the fact that it had been so long.
“The Father comforted me further concerning my loss by the many travelers that stopped in at my home, some helping me to maintain it. It is truly miraculous to see the Godking work to comfort you by your act of obedience in tending to others’ hurts and needs. That is why I helped you and Mara, though you be what you are and she be as well-mannered as a hailstorm. Over the years, he has taught me to forgive my husband for leaving me and even those orcs for killing my children. The Dwarves named me Marian of the Wood, the name Marian meaning “keeper” in dwarvish, for as far as they are concerned, I have always dwelt here. I suspect, however, that the life of this Valley is drawing near to its end. The storms grow worse with each passing year. I know not what shall happen to me, but I know this: I shall not remain here nor remain Marian of the Wood for many more years.”
Her tale finished, Marian looked at Gash. His meal was gone and the half-orc sat looking intently at her, seemingly hanging on every word. She again opened her mouth to speak, but stopped in thought. Rejecting the motherly, teacher-like tone, she came from her chair and knelt in front of Gash, her dress rustling as she did so. She spoke in a caring tone, face to face with him.
“Losing someone you care about is probably the hardest thing you will ever face. But the Father gives us strength to continue on, that we might show others his love and bring them to him. He has not left you, Gash. You are not alone. You never have been.”
Half-Orc Redemption Page 33
