“Natty!”
“We were picking apples for his mother. The first ones are starting to come in. And he looked so handsome, standing there in his blue-checked shirt. I’m sick with loving him,” she said.
“Natty, I had no idea you felt this way.”
“How could you not know? I’ve loved him since I was twelve. Since the moment we met him in Headmaster’s office.”
“What did he do when you tried to kiss him?”
“He pushed me away, and said he didn’t think of me like that. And I said I was seventeen, and that was hardly a child. And he said in fact it was. And I said you met Anya when you were sixteen. And he said that was different because he’d been young then, too. And then he said that he loved me like a friend and like a brother and that he would always be there for me. But then I pushed him away. I told him I didn’t want to be loved that way. I can’t even stand to look at him anymore.”
She sobbed with her entire body—her shoulders, her stomach, her mouth, and all her other parts were aligned in a unified display of misery.
“Oh Natty, please don’t cry.”
“Why shouldn’t I? I told him what you said at the beginning of the summer. I told him that you said that you would never get back together with him, but I think maybe he still has hope. Maybe if he knew there wasn’t any hope, he could love me instead. We’re not so different.”
“My darling Natty, would you honestly want some boy to love you because he thought you were like me?”
“I don’t care why. I wouldn’t even care! That’s how much I love him.”
“I don’t think Win thinks that we’re getting back together. But do you want me to try to talk to him?” I wanted her happiness more than my own.
“Would you?” Those eyes were wet and hopeful.
“I will make sure he understands,” I said. “And before summer is over, too.”
* * *
After dinner, I asked Win if he would go on a walk with me.
We wandered into the orchard, where the last peaches of summer were dropping from the trees. Win found one still on the branch and picked it. His torso was long and lean as he extended his arm to reach it. He offered me the peach, but I declined.
“I want to talk to you about something,” I said.
“What is it?” He took a bite of the peach.
“My sister,” I said.
“Yes, I thought that subject might come up.”
“She has the idea that if you knew that I didn’t think we were ever getting back together that you might be more open to … I’m sorry, this is awkward.”
“Perhaps I can help. She thinks that the reason I don’t want to start a relationship with her is because I still have feelings for you. And to answer your query, she’s wrong. I think she’s smart and adorable and everything a girl should be, but even if there were no Anya, Natty would not be for me. Are you sure you don’t want a peach? They’re very sweet this time of year.”
“Then why have you spent so much time with her? You can understand why she might have gotten the wrong idea.”
“Because you asked me to. Or have you forgotten that you did? Three years ago, you dispatched me to Sacred Heart.”
“Win.”
“I did it because it was something I could do for you. You so rarely, even when we were dating, asked me for help. Even though our relationship had ended badly, I was happy to do something for you.”
“Why are you so good?”
“Because I have nice parents, who loved me as best they could. That’s probably why.”
“Even your dad.”
“Yes, even my father. He wants to do big things, like you, and that isn’t easy. He did his best. I’m older now, and I see that. He was adamant that I come stay here for the summer, by the way.”
“What do you mean?”
“He said that you had been very injured and that you and your sister would be staying at the house. He said that he had grown very fond of you and wanted you to spend your summer among young people and friends. I, in his estimation, was both.”
“He told me with absolute authority that you wouldn’t be here. Do you know that?”
“That’s Dad.
“I almost wish I could love your sister,” Win said. “She looks like you, except she’s taller and her hair is straighter. She’s less moody than you, and pretty good company, too. But even if she weren’t seventeen years old, I couldn’t. She is not you.
“But back to what you should tell Natty,” he said. “You may tell her that I feel bad if she misunderstood what my feelings were for her. I understand how she may have been misled. Though I never thought of her as anything but a friend, I loved her in her sister’s place for three years. I was eager to see her above anyone else because I wanted to hear all her sister’s news.
“You may tell her that I was already aware, even before I got on the train to Niskayuna, that there was very little chance of her sister and me getting back together. I know that her sister is too stubborn and probably won’t ever forgive me for not supporting her when the club was opening. I know her sister sees impediments that don’t exist, like the fact that she has been through some physical traumas. I wish her sister knew how much I admired her, how much I regret not standing by her, how much I could love her still if someday, when she is feeling herself again, she might let me. You may tell her that when it comes to her sister, I have not much in the way of self-preservation instincts or dignity. She could marry ten other men, and it wouldn’t matter.”
“You shouldn’t wait for me, Win. I can’t right now. I wish I could, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
I did not expect him to smile at me, but that is what he did. He smiled at me and he wiped a tear from my cheek. “I thought you might say that. So here’s the deal and it’s a very simple one. I will love you forever. And in return, you can decide if you want to do anything with that love at some point down the road. But know there is no other girl for me but you. Not your sister. Or anyone else. My lot is to be the boy who loves Anya Balanchine. I made the wrong choice once upon a time and I think I’ve paid for it.” He took my chin in his hand. “And the good thing about my not being your boyfriend or your husband is that you don’t get to tell me what to do,” he said. “So I will wait, because I would rather wait for you than waste my time with someone who isn’t you. And I will focus on the long game. As they say in baseball, losing game one and even game two is no reason to give up on the whole series. When you’re ready, if you’re ever ready, give me the word.”
I looked at the peaches dying on the orchard ground. I watched the sun as it set. I saw the river streaming past. I heard him breathing, softly, and felt my own heart beating, beating. The world became still, and I tried to picture myself in the future. In the future, I was strong and I could run again and I was alone. “What’s the word?” I said softly. “In case I am ever ready. You know I’m not good with these things. What do I say?”
“I’ll make it easy for you, then. All you have to do is tell me to walk you home.”
* * *
As the planning for his mayoral campaign had kept him in the city, Mr. Delacroix had been around only intermittently that summer. He came back the day before Natty and I were to leave to help Win’s mother close up the house. I had gone to pick a bag of apples to bring back to the city, and I was taking them into the house when I saw him crossing the lawn toward me.
“You’re looking awfully robust,” he said. “I am feeling pleased with myself for having sent you here.”
“You are always pleased with yourself,” I said.
We went to sit on the deck. He took out the chess set and arranged it on the table.
“Win is gone, I see,” he said.
“Yes.”
“My plan was a complete failure, then?”
I didn’t reply.
“Well, I cannot be blamed. I’ve never tried to play matchmaker before.”
“What a strange man you are. You break somet
hing up only to try to put it back together years later.”
“I love my son,” Mr. Delacroix said. “I suspected he hadn’t quite gotten over you, and so I tried to contrive a meeting. I thought your heart might be open to a reunion and that such a reunion might lead to a spot of joy for you. You have had a hard time these years, and it pleased me to imagine that you might be happy for a time. And, as I am not a perfect man, I did not mind the thought of perhaps a little redemption for me.”
I moved my castle. “I don’t know how you ever thought that would work. No one likes being set up by his father. Even if I was gullible enough to believe your lies, Win knew what you were up to from the beginning.”
He positioned his king away from my queen.
I was about to move my queen closer but then I stopped. “Honestly, a few days in August? You might have run the plan by me. If this were business, I’d fire you. I don’t like being set up.”
“Point taken. I am good at plotting, but it is easier to deal with pawns and politicians than human hearts, I am afraid. I see right through you. You are stalling for time. Move, Anya.”
I left my queen where she was and used my pawn to block his other bishop.
“It was a nice plan,” I said, “but I think I am too different from when I was in high school.”
“I don’t know about that,” he said.
I decided to change the subject. “When I get back to the city, I’ve been thinking about looking into producing a line of Dark Room cacao ‘candy’ bars. A bar that people could take home instead of eating at the club. Cacao for shut-ins like myself. There’s still money to be made in chocolate bars, I’d say.”
“It’s an interesting notion.” He advanced his queen and then he looked at me. “Anya, I have something I need to say to you. I imagine you already know what it is. The mayoral campaign means that I will have to step down from the Dark Room. I can help you hire a different lawyer—”
“No, it’s fine,” I said coldly. “I will look for one as soon as I am back in the city.”
“I can make recommendations—”
“I am capable of finding a lawyer, Mr. Delacroix. I found you, didn’t I? I have known lawyers my whole life. The kind of life I’ve led has made me an expert in such arrangements.”
“Anya, are you angry at me? You must have known this day would come.”
The truth was, I had grown very attached to him. I would miss him, but it was too hard to say. I had worked steadfastly to never need anyone my whole life.
“We will see each other,” he said. “I’d even hoped you would be involved in the campaign.”
“Why would you want someone like me involved?” I asked. Yes, I was pouting.
“Listen, stop being foolish, Anya. If there’s anything you ever need, I will provide it, assuming it’s within my ability to do so. Do you know what I’m saying?”
“Good luck, colleague,” I said. I got up and left. I was not very fast though, and he might have caught up with me if he’d wanted to.
I was almost to my room, which I would soon surrender to summer, to the past. As I set my hand on the knob, I wondered what was wrong with me that I could not say to him, Thank you and good luck with the campaign.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t go this way,” Mr. Delacroix said. “I know exactly what you are thinking. I know you so well. I know exactly what thoughts turn behind that opaque visage of yours. You have been abandoned so many times. You think if our business relationship ends, that we will not be in each other’s lives anymore. But we will. You are my friend. You are as dear to me as my own flesh and blood, and as improbable as this is, I love you like my daughter. So good luck, colleague, if that’s what it must be,” he said. He hugged me hard. “And please be well.”
* * *
The next day, Natty and I went to the train station.
“I’m still so embarrassed,” she said. I had conveyed Win’s message, leaving out the parts where he said he still loved me.
“Don’t be,” I said. “I’m sure he understands.”
“Do you love him?” she asked me after a while. “I know you said you didn’t, but do you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I couldn’t sleep last night. The more I thought about it, the more I started to realize that what I had thought was his love for me was, in fact, love for you. And my face grew hot and I started to sweat and I was so mortified I wanted to physically leave my body. I started to think of the day I told him how worried I was about you not eating—you are still scrawny—but that it was hard to deal with you because you are stoic, and you won’t ask for help or even admit when you are in pain and you are used to being strong and caring for everyone else. And he said he would try to get you to eat something, if I wanted. I told him I’d be grateful to him for trying, but that I doubted he would have much luck. I went back to the room, and I could see the two of you on the deck. I watched him take that crown of leaves off the berry, and I watched him get down on his knees, and I watched him hold out his hand to you, and I watched you. I watched you take that berry from him. And he looked incredibly sweet in that moment. How could I not love him? He was so good to my poor sister, who he had not even been with for three years. And I thought he was doing that for me, but now I know better: it was for you.” She shook her head. “I’m a smart person, but what a fool I’ve been,” she said.
“Natty,” I said.
“You say you don’t love him anymore, but maybe you are lying to yourself. That boy, our Win, took off the leaves for you. If that’s not an act of love, I honestly don’t know what is.
“I had a glimpse into my future this morning, Annie. Would you like to know what I saw?”
“I’m not sure.” Natty’s visions had often involved my untimely death.
“Maybe it’s Thanksgiving,” she said. “Win is there and you are there and the three of us are having a good laugh over the fact that one summer Natty the genius let herself fall in love with Win even though it was obvious to everyone how much he still loved Anya. It. Was. So. Obvious. And I don’t even feel embarrassed anymore, because it’s the future and I am fantastic.”
“I love you better than anyone in the world,” I told her.
“Don’t you think I know that?” she asked.
They announced the train for Boston. “Have a good semester,” I said.
“Call me every day, Argon,” Natty said.
XXIV
I HAVE THOUGHTS ON THE TRAIN BACK TO NEW YORK; ON LOVE
IT TAKES NOTHING, save a spot of courage, to kiss a pretty teenager at a high school dance. It takes nothing to say you love a person when she is perfect and her mistakes can be dealt with in a ten-minute confession.
Love was a boy getting down on one knee, not to ask her to marry him, but to beg a damaged girl to eat a berry: Please, Annie, have this one.
Love was the way he had removed the leaves from that berry, the way he had held his palm to me and bowed his head. Love was the humility of those gestures.
Love came three years after he had walked away, and it felt as palpable to me as that strawberry in his hand.
My sister was the romantic; I did not believe in that kind of love.
Sometimes, this good old world does not much care what you believe.
(NB: I knew this, but I was not yet ready to take that walk with him.)
XXV
I RETURN TO WORK; AM SURPRISED BY MY BROTHER; BECOME A GODMOTHER AGAIN!
THE BEGINNING OF SEPTEMBER was always a wretched time in New York—summer is over, but the weather hasn’t caught on. Still, I was glad to be restored to my life and to be in the city, even if I navigated it at a more deliberate pace than I once had.
At long last, I went to get my hair cut. Bangs seemed like a good idea, and so I got them. Probably a mistake considering the shape of my face and texture of my hair, though no worse a mistake than marrying Yuji Ono in 2086 or taking up with the DA’s son back in 2082. In any case, I did not cry. (NB
: This, dear reader, is what is known as perspective.)
Scarlet and Felix had moved to a place of their own downtown. She’d left her job at the club and she was making a living from acting in the theater. She was playing Juliet in Romeo and Juliet. I made it back to New York in time to see the closing night of the show.
Afterward, I met her in her dressing room, which had a star on it. That star filled me with something I can only describe as joy. Scarlet burst into tears when she saw me. “OMG, I’m sorry I couldn’t go to Japan or upstate, but between Felix and the play, I haven’t been able to leave town.”
“It’s fine. I’m sorry I’ve been such a neglectful godmother. Plus, I wasn’t really up for company. You were wonderful, by the way. I didn’t like Juliet when we read the play in school, but you made me like her for some reason. You played her so determined and focused.”
Scarlet laughed though I wasn’t sure I’d said anything funny. She took off her wig, which was long, black, and curly.
“For a second there, we could have almost been mistaken for sisters,” I said.
“I think that every night. Let’s go to dinner,” she said. “And then you can spend the night at my place and see Felix in the morning.”
“I doubt he’ll even remember me. It’s been so long.”
“Oh, I don’t know. You send presents so that probably will help jog his memory.”
At dinner, we ordered too much food and talked about everything. I hadn’t seen her in so long, and I’d missed her more than I even thought was possible.
“It’s like we haven’t even been apart,” she said.
“I know.”
“Do you know what you said before about me playing Juliet ‘determined and focused’? I have a secret about that.”
“Oh?”
“The day of the audition, I was thinking of you and wishing I could go to Japan to see you,” Scarlet said. “And then I started to remember you in high school. I knew other girls at the audition would be playing Juliet romantic and dreamy, but I thought, wouldn’t it be cool to play her like Anya? So I imagined that Juliet hated being star-crossed. I imagined she would have preferred not to have met Romeo, that it was completely inconvenient for her to like someone whose parents her parents didn’t get along with. And I imagined that Juliet wished she was into Paris, because he was the boy that wouldn’t cause her any problems.”
In the Age of Love and Chocolate Page 19
