Some were talking amongst the crowd, and then everyone went toward their assigned sweat lodge. I would be with Ray, the eldest and the one who recognized me as mystic, as he guided his group through the experience tonight. I noticed that the women had to be separated from the men, and they would go with the two women guides into different sweat lodges.
I was the last to go into the stone structure. Everyone else had found a spot, and it seemed as if the only place left would be the one right next to Ray. I sat with the group and waited for Ray to join us. He came in and let the thick fabric fall, closing the doorway from outside light and sitting down next to me.
The stones had been heated, and there was good smoke floating toward the ceiling of the lodge. Ray offered tea around the group.
“Traditionally, we would have stripped down in a ceremonial praise. The smudging of the exterior and interior helps purify the mind and body. Sage, cedar, sweetgrass, and tobacco is used in this blend. When tobacco and cedar is combined, the crackling is used to call attention to the spirits. I will be using the drum and chanting. Feel free to join in. The tea is not necessary but can help open your mind to free yourself.”
As Ray got started, sweat started to build up on my skin, and he started to pour tea into wooden bowls. He passed them around. There were only five of us in the lodge, but it was tight. I sat with the tea in front of me, breathing in deeply while others went ahead and indulged. Ray started to beat on the drums in a rhythmic beat. He started to chant, the tones beautiful and hypnotic.
My ogre was unhappy with the heat, and my mac tire was gone. He wasn’t there at all anymore to be that constant positive when it came to my anger. Memories of all the deaths that I was at the center of flashed through my mind. Seeing my mother dead on the floor of the motel room and my grandmother I had just met beside her. Diane and John in the barn at their farm house. The first place I had felt safe, that was until my father found me. The night that Jamie was killed. I had never thought about my sexuality until I had met Jamie. I loved him. He was not only my best friend but my first love. Then my second, Lucy and the only little girl who will have me wrapped around her little finger.
I felt the emotions building. It was almost as if they were trying to climb out of me to speak to me. They were pulling at my skin, tearing through me to get out, and needing to be seen. A dizziness came over me, but before it could get too far, I stood, stumbled from where I was, and left the lodge as I lifted the cloth and stumbled butt naked into the forest.
We love you, Striker.
A whisper touched my skin on the back of my neck from behind me.
I turned, my head snapping around, looking for whomever was following me.
“Who’s there?”
I was pushed to the ground from behind. I turned and looked around. There was nobody there.
“Hello?” I said, standing.
However, as I turned around in a circle, a strange green, mossy fog rolled along the ground.
“Is someone there?” I asked, my senses on guard.
It’s okay. Let it out.
I turned around and around in circles, trying to find anything that indicated I wasn’t alone. But nothing was there. I waited, opening up my hearing to see if I could hear someone or something around me.
A gust of wind came from behind me, and with that, I felt hands on my shoulders. I jerked around to find nothing there.
Someone was messing with me. They had to be messing with me. I felt hands on me. Familiar hands.
Striker.
Her voice was just how I remembered it.
“Mom?” I whispered.
Let it out.
I heard with a light touch to my cheek.
Let it out.
I opened my mouth and let out the most painful roar I’d ever heard come from anyone not dying. I dropped to the ground and let myself feel the pain I locked away one right after another. Tears were streaming down my face, and I felt a loss from deep inside.
“Striker?”
I heard Ray’s voice from beside me and then his masculine hand rested on my shoulder.
“You are here with people who care about you. It is time to come from your spiritual journey.”
My eyes opened, and I was still inside the lodge. The smoke was starting to clear, and the other men were starting to stand to leave from the lodge. They were dripping in their own sweat, and a couple of them seemed more content than before they entered. What I had to come to terms with was the fact that I never left the lodge. Whatever it was that happened to me, I had been in the sweat lodge the entire time. They had come to me—the spirits—my mother had come to me to tell me to release my anger and to find what? Peace?
➣ Chapter 23
Finding My Zen
“What just happened?” I asked Ray as he gave me water.
“You, my friend, have experienced a spiritual awakening. What happened is your own, but you seemed to be drawn into it as if it were right beside you. That is a deep personal experience, and you should definitely think about what you were shown. It has great meaning.”
“My mother,” I said with a gruff, sore throat.
“Was that the pain I heard in you?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Your soul has been hurt. I can see the dark inside of you. You should let it out, so you can work through your anger and sadness.”
I heard what he had said. I wasn’t ready just to move on from my anger that has kept me from so many people in my life. I went back to my tent for the night and got ready for bed.
***
I spent nearly six months there with Ray. Dozens of treatments in the sweat lodge. Ray had said it would take time. But every time I go into the sweat lodge, my ogre tries to take over, and I can’t get through it without a hallucination.
The last night I spent there with Ray, he took me to the side and told me about a place in South America. Brazil to be exact. There was a man there that might be able to help me. His name was Alvar Cavalcante. Ray called him a guru. Someone that would be able to tell me why.
“Why do you think this Alvar person can help me?” I asked.
“He’s got a unique way of seeing things. He’s also got really great hearing,” Ray said.
“And good hearing is supposed to help me.”
“It’s how he uses his hearing that helps. Trust me on this.”
“I don’t have any reason not to trust you. I can leave tomorrow.”
“Good. I’ll call Alvar and tell him to expect you.”
“Thank you, Ray. You’ve been a really good friend to me.”
“You’ve been really good free labor,” he retorted.
“Don’t be mad I want to leave.”
“I’m not mad. I’m sad. I’ve got to find someone else to help set up for treatments and cook. And I’ll miss your bacon.”
I chuckled. “Blame Jean for teaching me how to make that bacon.”
“Oh, I do.” He was quiet for a moment while he looked thoughtful about his next words. “I know you’ve only reached out to them once since you’ve been here. Would you like for me to call them and let them know what’s going on?”
I scratched the skin under my beard. “Could you?”
“You know I will.”
“Thanks.”
“One day, you’ll figure yourself out and forgive yourself. You’ll let people in, and you’ll be happy again. I just need you to do one thing for me when the time comes.”
“What’s that?”
“Let yourself be happy.”
“What if I can’t?” I asked.
“My friend, over the time you’ve been here, I’ve seen you go from hating yourself to accepting what has happened. It takes a strong man to make these steps.”
“Then why do I feel so weak?”
“Because you realized that you can’t change what happened and what will happen. If what you told me about this prophecy is true, most of your life has been chosen for you.”
“
Yeah.”
“This will be good for you. You’re feeling less physical pain now. Next is the emotional pain. I know you think you still don’t deserve it, but I know differently.”
I scoffed.
“And what if I never get it?”
“You’ll get it. Aodhan isn’t the only one who knows things. Trust in this.”
“Alright.”
“Good, now, how about you make some of that bacon and teach me what you do to make that bacon taste so good.”
We both laughed and went off toward the kitchen, where I taught Ray to make Jean’s bacon.
➣ Chapter 24
Exploring the World
I decided to take the leap and travel the world. After a few weeks here and several times inside the sweat lodge, I learned there is a future out there for me that includes something more. Aodhan had said that to me when I was little, and several strangers had said it to me throughout my life.
The night I told Ray I’d be leaving, he wished me all the best and said, “Get lost to get found. You’re on the path you should be on.”
“Thank you, Ray, for everything,” I said.
“You’re very welcome, Striker.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “Remember, we’re here for you, and if you ever need anything, don’t you dare hesitate to ask for it. There is a long fight ahead, and we are here for it.”
I shook his hand and got onto my bike. My next stop would be somewhere in South America, gods willing. I would have to stop along the way, but Ray had told me about a man that was a hundred and twenty-five still living. He said he would predict the future and speak with animals. Ray thought he could talk to my mac tire and find out what was wrong.
I sold the bike for some cash and a plane ticket to Sān Paula, Brazil. When I got off the plane, I took a taxi to a small little row of brick and stone homes. A white one at the end of the road matched the address I had gotten from Ray on the back of a business card for his sweat lodge service. I knocked on the door and waited. When nobody answered the door, I sat down on the stoop and waited.
I had to have sat there for at least three hours before a man with a wooden cane in his right hand came walking slowly down the road. He had to have been Alvar Cavalcante. As he got closer, I could tell he was at least a foot and an half shorter than me. He had a rosy complexion and… and what was that? He had pointed ears.
“Excuse me, are you Alvar Cavalcante?” I asked as he passed by me.
“Who’s askin’?” He grumbled with a high-pitched voice.
“My name is Striker. Ray Blackwell sent me.”
He stopped in his tracks, turned around, walked close to me, and pulled me down to his level to be eye to eye. He closed one eye and tilted his head back and forth, looking into my eyes, then opened it and closed the other eye and did the same thing.
“Ah, I see. Come… come.” He turned back around, and then over his shoulder, he motioned for me to follow him.
I followed him as he unlocked his door and opened it for us. He didn’t have to duck to get inside, but I did. When my eyes adjusted to the dark space, I realized that everything had been made for someone his height. The table and chairs were all just a bit smaller than normal.
“Sit, mac tire,” he said.
“You know?”
“Of course, I am Alvar Cavalcante of the Elven. The elves can see all. Didn’t ya’ know?” He giggled while he grabbed a kettle to heat over his stove. “I’ll put some tea on, and we can talk. Conall wants to speak. He’s been silent for so long.”
“Kun-al?” I asked, confused.
“Your wolf. His name is Conall.”
“I didn’t know he had a name.”
“Most don’t. You have to ask an elf. Otherwise, you’ll never know. We are the only ones that can hear what your wolf says,” Alvar explained.
“You spoke to him?”
“Yes, of course.”
I sat at his short table and nervously tapped my fingers on the table.
“That… that tapping. Please stop. I am very sensitive to sound.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“That’s alright. Not many humans understand that a whisper is just the same as a shout.”
“Yeah.” I sighed.
“Conall doesn’t want to talk with you.”
“Why?” I asked, folding my arms over my chest.
“He misses Jamie.”
My arms fell to my sides. How did he know about Jamie? Everything from that night hit me all at once. The night air from the compound, the feeling when I knew something was wrong, and seeing him lying on the floor.
“Conall wants you to remember Jamie. Wants you to stop blocking the pain from his death.”
“I can’t think about that night. I… I—”
“Conall killed your father. He bonded to Jamie.”
“H…how?” I stumbled through it.
“Nobody ever told you anything about your origins, did they?” he asked, pulling the kettle from the stove.
“No.”
“Ah, boy, your soul was split into three the day you were born. Your human, your mac tire, and your ogre. You share this soul, but you are separate in every other way. If you were to take each of you and put you all in a room together, you would all be completely different beings. Just because you are connected by a mystic soul doesn’t mean that you are the same. Conall fell in love with Jamie. He was his mate.”
“Mate?”
“Yes, mac tires have mates. Conall chose Jamie as his mate. Their souls fit together as perfectly as yin and yang.”
“What about…” I cleared my throat, not wanting to hear the possible truth, “Lucy?”
Alvar tilted his head, his ear wiggled, and then he straightened back up.
“That was rude,” he mumbled.
“I’m sorry?”
“Your ogre. Ruari. He’s rude.”
“Ro-ree?”
“Your ogre is disrespectful. I don’t like him,” he said in a snip. He tilted his head, and his ears wiggled again. “Fine.” He sighed. “Ruari wants me to tell you that he also liked Jamie. Ruari and Conall both cared for Jamie, and they both cared for Lucy. And they loved Taylor. They would have both died for her.”
“I didn’t know. I don’t really talk with him.”
He laughed. “No, I guess you wouldn’t. You only talk to him when you need something from him. He’s pushing you away.”
“Wait, so what you’re telling me is that my wolf and my ogre are separate from me?”
Alvar froze in place for only a moment. Then he walked over and brought a tea cup that looked like a flower in front of me.
“Separate but together,” he said and then moved over to the other side of his table and sat down with his own cup. “You can have singular wants and needs that each of you feel at exactly the same time.”
“How is that possible?” I asked.
“It’s mystics not science. Don’t overthink it.”
“So what exactly is Ruari wanting from me? He’s part of my world that doesn’t accept me, and I don’t accept it.”
Alvar tilted his head again, and then his ears wiggled.
“He wants peace. He is saying that Conall found his mate and you found yours, but he hasn’t gotten to because you don’t trust him.”
“Why should I trust him? Everything from that side is dark.”
“You’re not. He’s not. You need to come to terms with Ruari. He is part of you, and he is not a dark soul.”
I remained silent, thinking about Ruari. Thinking about how, whenever I ask for his help—his anger and strength—I never give thanks for any of it. I never thought to do so.
“Do all elves have your ability of talking to the mystics?”
His ears giggled, and then he laughed.
“What?” I asked.
“I’ve been around for a very long time. Two hundred and fifty-six years this June. I’ve met sorcerers, selkies, gods, merfolk, leprechauns, mac tires, banshees and ogres. There are mystics
all throughout our history. Mythology and folklore reek of fairies. Pesky little bugs if you ask me.”
I chuckled. “Fairies is where you draw the line?”
“Everyone should. They cause mischief, and you know where karma came from, right?”
“No.”
“Yep, they’re always fluttering around, getting into everyone else’s business. Speaking of fluttering, I once came across this leprechaun who had gotten ahold of a music box. It had been enchanted by a sorcerer, and you know how, with normal music boxes, there is a little ballerina that twirls when you open it?” He used his pointer finger to make circles and then continued, “When you opened the box, there was a horse.”
“Yeah? I’ve seen several things inside music boxes. It doesn’t have to be a ballerina.”
“But this was a magical horse. His name was Enbarr. Beautiful pegasus. Brightest pure white feathered wings. And his aura was so white that it could blind those without fear or faith.”
“I didn’t know pegasus were real.”
“They’re not… well, not anymore. But Enbarr was special. He has a purpose. Just as you have your purpose,” he said and then tilted his head and wiggled his ears.
“What?”
“I have a purpose in your life,” he said, taking a sip of tea.
“What is your purpose?” I asked.
“I am here to introduce Conall and Ruari to you. You will now need to find your peace with them.”
“How am I supposed to do that when I’m so angry?”
“I have a friend in Tibet. His name is Gabriel.”
“Gabriel what?”
“Just Gabriel. He has been alive longer than any of us. He has been cursed with a god’s life without being a god.”
I nodded. “How will I find him?”
“Go to the city’s center. He will find you. Anytime a beast is close, he knows.”
“And how will he know I’m not there to hurt him?” I asked.
“He will read your soul. It will protect you.” He sighed. “How about you stay for the night?”
A Beast Among Gods (The Mac Tire Chronicles) Page 9
