No doubt, I think as she leaves. Now that Carter is with me and Lily’s firmly ensconced in this high chair contraption, there’s little chance of Carter making a run for it.
And does she ever wish that. I don’t need to be an expert of women to understand that every joint she possesses wants to be in action right now.
“I know this is hard,” I say. Commiserate, buddy. Make her feel all right.
“You don’t have a fucking clue,” she snaps.
Hard fail.
Instead of adding anything more, I watch her tear off pieces of her pancake and put them near Lily, whose tiny hands enclose like they’re squishy toys.
Lily shoves a piece into her mouth, most landing on her lap.
“She can eat that?” I ask.
It takes every effort for Carter not to regard me as an idiot. “She may not have teeth yet, but she can chew. Soft solids, like this, pasta, fruit—”
“Steamed veggies like sweet potato, carrots, pureed broccoli, and cauliflower. I read up,” I say as I finish my bacon, then wipe my hands. “Childcare classes have helped, too.”
“You went to those?” Carter screws up her face like she can’t believe what she’s hearing.
“Yeah, I did.” I try not to but scoff anyway. “I’m not gonna kill her as soon as I’m left alone with her.”
Carter goes pale, and I blow out a breath. Great. I just joked about killing babies before Carter has to leave Lily for good. Excellent people skills.
“That’s not what I mean,” I say. “I’ve done everything I can to educate myself before she came here. You should see my apartment.”
Carter tucks her hair behind her ears. I remember this is how she works through things when she’s nervous or agitated.
I can’t help it. I love how I get on her nerves and agitate her.
Suddenly, I’m hit with a moment of clarity. “How long have you had her for?”
Carter cuts her gaze to me. She knows exactly what I’m asking. “A total of five hours.”
“That’s rough,” I say while looking at Lily, and I mean it.
“Promise me you’ll protect her” Carter whispers it, and I barely catch her meaning. “That you’ll sacrifice everything, do anything, to keep her happy and whole.”
Normally, if some asshole demanded that much of me, I wouldn’t deign with an answer because it’s so obvious. But Carter is about to break apart at her seams. I grab her hand and squeeze, keep squeezing, despite her initial resistance.
When she softens, I say, “With all I am, I will be everything to this child.”
After a moment thick with welling tears, she nods.
Eden approaches, and the second Carter notices, she tenses up at the same time her expression falls.
“We’d better get a cab,” Eden says once she’s at our table. “Get back to the airport and check in.”
“No,” Carter says before she can stop herself.
“Carter,” Eden says firmly. “It’s time.”
“Not yet,” Carter pleads. “It can’t be.”
“The judge has given you a lot of allowances, dear, and so has this young man. It’s time to let her go.”
“I…” Carter frantically scans her surroundings, then looks at me like I have the answers. But, a part of her comes to an understanding, because despite the tears falling, she lands on Lily.
Sniffling, Carter wipes her cheeks with her sleeve. “Lily, honey.”
The baby glances up from the pancake mess at her name.
“I love you,” Carter says. “I love you.”
“Bah.”
“Yes,” Carter laughs, understanding the language even if I don’t. Carter puts her arms around the small high chair, burying her nose in the crook of Lily’s neck.
“Adah,” Lily says while leaning away and refocusing on the pancake crumbs on her fingers.
“I know.” Carter lifts up, kisses Lily’s cheek, then forehead, then the nose, leaving a salty sheen in each spot she chooses. “You’re the best, sweetie. You are loved.”
A crack sounds, but no one looks up from their meals. Servers don’t pause, the bar doesn’t stop pouring drinks. Sun shines through non-smudged windows, decorative plants stay bright green. Patrons still laugh.
It’s like no such thunder occurred. Why am I the only one feeling the gray? The shadowed crest of incoming clouds?
Carter stands, and the motion pains her. It’s written over her skin, her face, piercing through her eyes. Eden has already left, giving Carter this moment, and is somewhere outside waiting for a cab.
“Be good, okay?” Carter says to the top of Lily’s head. Then, unable to resist, she plants another kiss within the curls.
“Baby,” she says into Lily’s hair. “I’ll miss your smell so much.”
Ah, fuck.
I think about the minute Carter leaves this restaurant. Lily stares at me across the table with flat shark eyes while she squeezes pancakes in each fist, as either a threat or a dare.
If she freaks out, I won’t know what to do. Textbooks don’t tell you how to run with a screaming child out of a crowded place without appearing like a kidnapper. Childcare teachers aren’t perched on your shoulder, coaxing you through how to handle a baby who topples over their own high chair.
Deformed, soggy bits of pancake plop to the ground as potential dangers continue to unfold.
So many options can occur at this moment. A server can slip. Hot coffee could be spilled on Lily’s head. She could choke, and I’d have to actually do the terrifying baby CPR move of flattening her against my thigh.
And I’m that guy, the one expected to take care of all of it because she’s my kid.
Are these the fears of a parent twisting my brain so hard it’s detaching from my skull?
I fall back into my chair.
“Stay,” I say before I think twice.
“I’m sorry?” Carter asks, a hand remaining on Lily.
This girl still can’t let go. And if Lily’s meltdown in the car an hour ago told me anything, it’s that she shouldn’t.
“If I’m to master this whole dad thing, I’ll need your help.”
Carter’s mouth is agape. If she doesn’t do something soon, her tongue will crack apart from dryness. “You can’t mean that.”
I sigh. “I do. Fuck—sorry,” I say to Lily. “See? I have a ton of learning to do. And you know Lily so well. Maybe…temporarily”—I make sure to enunciate that last word—“you can stay and help.”
“I…” Carter glances out the window as if she needs permission from Eden.
“I’m giving you the permission,” I say. “That’s all you need. If you want to think about it, that’s okay. It’d be a big move, and you probably have a job, rent to pay—”
“Yes.”
“Yes?” That was quick. “You sure?”
“Yes. So much yes!” Carter laughs through her tears, and she clutches Lily, pulling her out of the high chair with the ease of a mom handling their kids year-round, and spins her. Lily’s delighted. “I don’t care about anything but her. I’ll stay for as long as you need. I’ll stay forever.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I say dryly.
“Sorry, didn’t mean that.” Carter stops spinning. “I’m just so happy. So glad. Thank you, Locke. Thank you.”
She runs over and plops a kiss on my cheek, Lily still in hand, and I wonder how long I’ll have her affection before she goes back to hating me for taking Lily away.
9
Carter
Locke opens the door to his apartment, and I’m behind him, Lily on my hip. She’s been scrambling to get down since the restaurant, but I’m afraid to drop her feet onto a floor that could contain STDs.
I don’t care if most STDs can’t survive on inanimate objects. If there’s even a small chance, Lily will find it and put it into her mouth.
When Locke steps aside, the smell hits my nose first.
I scrunch my nose. “Is that…?”
&n
bsp; “Citrus? Lemon?” Locke tilts his head. “The scent of cleanliness? Why, yes, it is.”
Tentatively, I put one foot forward. Lily’s head is past my chin, craning to discover what environment she’s plopped into next.
The wooden floors shine with varnish. His couch is free of debris and women’s underwear. Even his coffee table—a cushioned ottoman—doesn’t have anything except a few silicone coasters. His TV is mounted into the wall, no wires dangling, and do those electrical plugs have baby-proof outlet covers?
“Yes, yes, and yes, to everything you’re thinking,” Locke says, shutting the door quietly behind me.
“You’ve done your research,” is all I can think to say. Lily shouts and wriggles, so I set her down. Immediately, she’s on the move.
And there’s nothing dangerous I can think to swipe out of her way.
“Quit looking so gobsmacked,” Locke says. “Wanna beer?”
I whirl to face him. He laughs then puts his hands up. “Kidding. But we’re really going to have to find you a sense of humor if you’re living here.”
I’m still surveying his apartment. “I’ll let you know when it’s located.”
He’s still chuckling. “Fine. I’ll grab you a glass of Perrier in the meantime. Ice?”
“Sure. So…where’s Lily staying?” I ask as he clinks ice into glasses in the kitchen.
“I outfitted the second bedroom as a nursery.”
“Oh?”
I can feel his exasperation even though he’s nowhere near me. “Yes, Carter, I have a second bedroom.”
He comes up beside me and hands me the drink. Lily is pulling herself up on the ottoman, jabbering at the coasters.
“I’ll show you,” he says.
Locke puts his water down and grabs Lily, picking her up with a surprising swing. He carries her with us to a door that upon initially entering this place, I hadn’t seen. It’s hidden in a small L in the wall to the left of the couch.
Locke opens it, and I’m aghast.
It’s been painted a pale pink, with piglets adorned with wings flying along on a wallpaper border. The crib is white wood with a mattress and pastel pink chevron pattern. Beside it is a simple white changing station with drawers underneath for clothes, blankets, and the like. On the other side of the wall is a cream futon, and peppered among the big ornaments are small toys, stuffed animals, wooden blocks, and a Neapolitan colored play mat.
Lily squeals, smacking Locke’s shoulders.
“You like it?” His grin is almost as wide as Lily’s head.
“She likes it.” I agree with her.
“Awesome, dude,” he says to Lily, then lets her down and she beelines for the wooden blocks, gripping, chewing, and muttering as she smacks them together.
“That kid is cute,” Locke says to me, but his attention doesn’t stray from the baby in front of us. It gives me an excuse to study him, from his freshly-laundered clothes to the clean-shaven face. His hair is slightly longer, sun-bleached blond, but mostly brown, and it falls across his brow until he slides the strands back with his fingers. His lashes contradict his coloring—pitch black, exactly like Lily’s, and plush with genetics that mascara has been competing with for generations.
I catch the genuine admiration in the curve of his lips, his posture straight with pride now that he has his daughter.
Locke looks my way, and I cut to Lily before he catches me staring, and it’s with sadness I look upon her, for every time I see her, I know it’s temporary.
This man who doesn’t know me from any other girl in college gifted me with more days, and I’ll be forever grateful, but it doesn’t change the fact that he can take it away as easily as he grants it. All it would require is two words: Get out.
And I can’t do anything about it.
So be on your best behavior, Paige seems to say in my mind. My daughter is your daughter now.
My ribs crush against unseen pressure, and I wonder if the clutches of despair will ever leave me.
“I have a confession to make,” Locke says, breaking me out of my fugue. “This is your room, too.”
I put my hands on my hips. “I see.”
“I didn’t exactly think I’d be getting a third roommate along with my second. But the futon over there folds out into a double, and we could get a divider, maybe, so Lily doesn’t see you while you sleep…”
“That’s all fine,” I say. “I don’t want to intrude any more than I am. I’m happy to sleep with her. Paige and I switched off with her in our rooms for the first six months, anyway.”
“Oh, yeah?”
I nod. “We gave each other five-hour sleep breaks.” Then I laugh. “Be thankful you get Lily now that she sleeps seven hour stretches at night.”
Locke scratches at his chin. “Right.”
And I feel like an idiot. The last thing I want to do is throw in his face the fact that I had Lily for the first nine months of her life.
But Locke cuts through the awkward tension by saying, “Pureed peas for lunch? Maybe some banana medallions? I know that gets my saliva flowing.”
I can’t help it and crack a smile. “You get on that. I have some phone calls to make.”
And pleas of forgiveness. I’m about to ditch Sophie for at least a week and use up all my holidays at work without notice. Oh, and ask her to ship a bunch of my clothes. Yes, I will owe my roommate big-time.
Locke pauses in the doorway. “Uh…”
“I’ll watch her,” I say. I want to add that I’m used to having her at my feet while I multitask, but I don’t want to further our tension by salting any more wounds.
“Actually, I’d love to have her,” Locke says. “I’ll take some toys with me and put her on the kitchen floor.”
“Of course!” I say, too brightly, then step aside so he can move past me.
I try to school my expression as he tosses her against his chest, pulling goofy faces as he leaves with her. The guy’s almost a natural, and I don’t know what’s more surprising—the transformation of his place or his unexpectedly smooth transition from bachelorhood to fatherhood.
Give it time, I think. It’s only been a few hours. As soon as Lily goes into overtired mode and turns into a demon, he’ll be screaming for help.
I’m calmed by the thought, even smiling, and I pull out my phone to deal with the dreaded tasks of fleeing adult responsibilities.
10
Locke
I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. All I know is, I have to prove Carter wrong.
The chick moves like she can’t stand me, her expression even further evidence that she’s waiting for the moment I’ll fuck up and she can step in. Prove she’s the better parent.
Which is why I can’t understand the need I have to be funny and make her smile.
One would think it was to make Carter like me. But if I’m honest with myself, it’s because I like how it looks on her. Animated. Intoxicating. Addictive.
And I love how I’m the one causing it.
Lily’s biting at my heels—well no, that’s what a dog does, but you get the point—as I open and shut cupboards and fill the water to the right amount in the electric bottle warmer Ben convinced me to buy. It was actually more like, Here dude, get this, it looks like fancy baby shit, but I threw it in the cart anyway, thinking my kid deserved warm milk.
I’m squinting at the measurements in the side of the machine, muttering as I pour water from a cup, when Carter walks in.
She steps over Lily and hands me my phone. “You left this in the nursery. It’s vibrating.”
I set the baby mechanics down and grab my cell, noticing who was calling. I inwardly cringe as I answer. “Hey.”
“Is she there?”
In a normal environment, my sister’s voice has abnormal decibels. When excited, she risks causing a noise shortage within a two-mile radius.
“Yes,” I say, then go about finishing what I started. The light flicks on; I plop the bottle in. There, job well done.
<
br /> “Well, what’s she like? What are you like? How is she? When can I see her?”
I know what Astor’s doing. She’s at her office, heels kicked off for her lunch break and back from court. Inwardly, she’s all over the place and excited about an unexpected niece (that she took a good month to come to terms with). Outwardly, she’d remained smooth, controlled, not a hair out of place. Corporate lawyers are like that, even ones called “summer interns.” Astor took the New York bar a few weeks ago, so it’s only a matter of time before she demands I refer to her as Counselor.
“Not yet. You promised you’d give me time alone, remember?” I reply.
“Ugh, I know. But then I remembered she comes from no family. She should be around family, Locke. Her father, grandfather, aunt.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I say, but can’t help smiling. “Let me figure out how not to be an idiot, then you can come by.”
“It’s been what, three hours? And she’s still alive. You’re doing a great job so far.”
“Thanks. Listen, let me call you back when I don’t have my hands full.”
“That’ll be about…never. You have a baby now, Locke.”
“I appreciate the reminder. Totally forgot.”
“I’m giving you twenty-four hours. Then I’m coming over there and jumping on that baby and smothering her with kisses.”
“I don’t think that’s legal.”
“Fair warning.”
“I’ll see ya, Astor.”
“Send me a picture. Love you, bro.”
“A picture of my gorgeous self will hit your inbox soon,” I joke. “Love you, too.”
I click off and notice the bottle’s ready, too. Carter has gone to the ground with Lily, somehow discovering where my pots were and a wooden spoon I had no idea I had and is handing them to Lily as an improvised drum set. When she sees me bend down to offer Lily the bottle, she might as well possess shark teeth for eyes.
I quickly recall my conversation with my sister and how Carter could easily think it’s a conversation with a lady friend. I’m about to open my mouth and correct her when I think, Fuck it. Let her believe I’m making a date with another chick. Carter isn’t making any attempt to know me. Nor does she have to, I remind myself. She made it clear why she’s here and wants to stay, and it has nothing to do with my ass, regardless of how perfect it is.
Players to Lovers (4 Book Collection) Page 6
