He surveys Lily like he’s waiting for a meltdown to occur immediately.
I nod, happy to be given something efficient to do. A task involving Lily, which is exactly why I’m here. A thorough perusal and I’m impressed—Locke remembered everything, even extra bottles and snacks in case Lily succumbs to the demon inside her.
“Perfectly assembled,” I say, spinning around with it in my hand.
Locke smiles, and it has a worse impact on me than his instinctual come-hither expression that I doubt he even knows he deploys. I hitch in step but cover it by swinging the bag onto the stroller’s handles.
“Heavy,” I add for good measure.
“A baby comes with three times their weight in goods,” Locke says. “I’ve learned quickly.”
I laugh. “Okay, we’re ready.”
“Off we go!” Locke says with a holler, causing Lily to turn, look up at him, and laugh. He finishes with flair. “To the subway and beyond!”
He’s through the front door, but I pause in the frame. “What’d you just say?”
Locke turns at the stairway, readying to lift the stroller and Lily down one flight. “Which part? The subway?”
“Yeah, that. We’re going on it?”
“Well. Yeah. It’s the only way to get around.”
Visions of pickpockets, violent gangs, and swiping knives assail my head. “We can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s dangerous.” I say it like I’m speaking to a five-year-old. Or Lily.
Locke chuckles, and the response sparks my anger.
“It’s perfectly safe,” he says. “But the only way to prove that is for you to go on it and see for yourself. So, come on. Immerse yourself in city life.”
“I…”
Locke leaves the stroller for a moment and comes over to me. “I promise, Carter. I won’t let anything happen to Lily.”
His low tone is a balm and contains so much surety. I nod, because I know I’m being overdramatic.
“Good.” Locke squeezes my shoulder, and I tense under his grip, covering the automatic shivers dancing down to my breasts. He reads it a different way and backs off immediately. “And you,” he says over his shoulder as he goes back to Lily.
“Me?”
“I’ll protect you, as well,” he says through a grunt as he lifts the stroller. “You seem to keep forgetting that you matter, too.”
I’m not sure how to respond, but since he’s already down the staircase, setting the stroller on the ground, I say nothing. I follow and instantly notice the bend in his left leg.
“Locke, your knee.”
He waves it off. “It’s fine. I have a baby now. Have to get used to lifting the mechanics that come with her up and down stairs. Now, come on.”
Locke opens the main doors, and the three of us roll into a sunny, Saturday morning, on a trip to the zoo.
The subway’s crowded, containing smells I can’t identify with crud I can’t tell where from. But, no one comes to kidnap Lily, nor does anyone try to rip my purse away.
In fact, it’s the exact opposite. Once Locke and I finish carrying Lily’s stroller down the subway steps and roll onto the platform, Lily endears anyone near into cooing, waving, or smiling at her. When we enter the train car and feel the sweet caress of air-conditioning, a kind man offers his seat to me so I can sit with Lily’s stroller at my knees.
Currently, in what seems like her millionth month of teething, Lily gnaws on her toy and jabbers to my seat mate, a woman initially reading her tablet but has since fallen under Lily’s spell. Locke is holding onto the railing attached to the roof, his body shadowing Lily and me.
“She’s adorable,” the woman says. She wiggles her fingers at Lily, who responds with “ahbahdahdah” as she munches.
“Thank you,” I say, because that’s how you respond to people who say the baby is cute.
“You two are very lucky,” she continues.
Locke smiles and nods. “Don’t we know it.”
He winks at me.
I offer a tentative smile back, then give all my interest to Lily, dangling her toy, a stuffed bunny with a rattle in its chest that’s seen better days. I doubt this woman wants to hear the logistics of this “family” she’s seated with, even though all my tongue wants to do is explain. I don’t know why. I should be fine with our outward appearance and its foolery to strangers. Who cares if she thinks we’re a happy family?
Because she thinks you’re Lily’s mom.
The unwanted answer spears through my stomach, and I fumble with the toy before letting Lily grab it with sticky hands.
She’s not mine. Lily was half mine when Paige was alive, but she’s now his. Locke’s. Lily’s actual, biological father.
The fact makes me want to cry, so I’m thankful when the train screeches to a stop at our station.
“All right, sputnik, time to go!” Locke says to Lily as he spins the stroller. He looks over his shoulder to make sure I’m following through the crowd.
I am, but I keep my distance for a few moments, gathering the nerve to continue on with this family facade.
I find my steps heavy, my heart swollen, at how we must appear to other people. Worse, I’m aware of what’s bearing the weight. Being a part of Lily’s family is all I’ve wanted, and this, right here, is a mask until I muster enough courage to walk in the other direction—away from her.
Locke lifts Lily’s stroller again to ascend the staircase, and I snap out of it and scramble to help, conscious of his injury even if he isn’t, but I’m too late. He’s already at the top.
He’s grinning when he spots me. “Ready for some animals?”
“Sure,” I say, then force an extra bright smile for Lily’s sake. “What kind of animals does New York have to offer, anyway? We’re used to aquariums over here.”
“Oh, I dunno, pigeons, rats with pizzas…” He grins with his joke. “Just keep your eyes level, and you’ll miss ‘em.”
“How divine.”
“I hear this park has a red panda and some llamas.”
I quirk my brows at that.
We navigate through the scattered crowds on the sidewalk until we reach the entrance to Prospect Park. From my brief research on my phone, the zoo is on the east side of Prospect Park, a little off Flatbush Avenue where we were walking now.
“Speaking of fish,” Locke says as we stroll. “We might be in time for the seal feeding.”
“Oh, yeah?” This time, my enthusiasm is real. “You mean sea lions? Lil loves them.”
“Yeah, those,” Locke says, laughing a little. “I stand corrected.”
I’m about to say sorry, then stop. He’s already made clear how much I’ve slung apologies at him. I stay quiet for the rest of the walk, enjoying listening to Lily’s random screeches and one-sided conversations with anyone who walks by and happens to catch her eye. Especially dogs.
Locke pays admission despite my protest, and we’re through the iron gates and into the park itself.
As we wander, I enjoy the city feel, exactly what it’s like in the movies. The spiraling walkway in the shade of trees, peppered with benches. No joggers or stragglers are in this section since we paid for entry, but there’s still plenty of families and friends pausing at the cages and pointing.
We walk past one that’s supposed to be a red panda, but we see nothing.
“I like this place,” Locke says, “Because it’s a conservation park. These animals aren’t kept here purely for entertainment.”
“Mainly to catch some zzz’s I’m noticing,” I say.
A scampering toddler comes too close, and I nearly trip over him. I latch onto Locke’s arm to dart out of the way.
“Sor—” Nope. I won’t say it.
I glance over at Locke, and I’m surprised to see he’s staring at me.
“Keep it there,” he says. “I like it.”
Heat splashes my cheeks, and it’s not because of the sunlight leaking through the canopy
of trees. I want to pull away, to fold my hands and keep pace beside him as he pushes the stroller—but I don’t want to, either.
I’m comfortable in the crook of his elbow. I can feel each muscle flex and tendon tighten as he redirects Lily’s ride, and I’m happy to stick close, as there are so many kids flitting back and forth, like a swarm of bees with light-up shoes.
That’s what I tell myself, anyway, as we continue our unhurried trek—my touch still tangled with his.
The density of children thickens the closer we get to Sea Lion Court. When we enter, it’s like a mini version of a stadium, with a semicircle of seats and a small pool in the middle where the sea lions will play and be fed.
“Do they do tricks?” I ask Locke as we scout for good seats up front.
“Maybe a little,” he responds. He unbuckles Lily and tosses her against his chest, leaving the stroller near the entrance. “But this place is more about rehabilitation.”
I follow behind his back to some seats, and once Locke sits, he balances Lily on his knee. Lily’s kept her bunny, and I swipe the diaper bag from the stroller before we leave it.
“Do me a favor, save the seat next to you,” Locke tells me. He’s not looking my way.
I plop the diaper bag in the empty bucket seat beside me.
“Look—it’s starting,” he says before I can ask who for.
Soon, I forget all about who’s supposed to be next to me, because I’m fascinated by Lily’s reaction to the sea lions when they come out and how they leap for fish. So much so, her toy bunny dangles by its ears, then plops to the floor as she forgets about it.
I’m more distracted by Locke’s attention on Lily, how he’s bent his head to her level and points at the animals while jiggling her on his knee, laughing when she laughs, screaming out when she does.
These two are in their own world, and instead of being jealous of it, I’m…I’m warmed by it.
This is what Lily deserves. To be with Locke and to never question who her father is, what he might’ve been like. He’s right here, for her.
Pang.
For once, the hit isn’t a sorrowful one. Why did Paige want to keep him from Lily?
Suddenly, the smell of fish, the barks of the sea lions, the crowd of people, and the heat of the day become too bright, too loud. I bend to pick up Lily’s bunny, so we don’t leave it behind. It’s one of the last things Paige bought for her.
“Sorry I’m late!” a woman calls as I’m stooped over.
I don’t bother turning. I’m too absorbed in tucking the bunny safely away into the diaper bag, but a waft of subtle perfume hits my nostrils, and I sense someone close. I’m forced to look.
Bright eyes—same as Lily’s, same as Locke’s—greet mine. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I respond automatically.
“You made it,” Locke says over my head, and the woman—in a skirt suit, of all things—tears her attention off me and locks onto the little girl in Locke’s arms.
“Holy…” she whispers, and it’s as if I tapped a wand to her forehead and told her to unfreeze. “That’s her?”
Locke laughs. “No, it’s another kid I found in the park and decided to keep instead of my daughter. This one’s cuter.”
The woman barks out a resounding laugh with a tinge of unsureness. “Wouldn’t put it past you. Can I get closer? I don’t mean to…”
She glances at me, and I can finally read the intention behind her expression. She doesn’t know who the fuck I am, but I’m in a seat that could bring her closer to her niece.
“Oh—by all means.” I’m standing, ushering her into my vacated seat.
“Thanks,” she says to me, but she’s too absorbed in Lily to try and figure out my place in all this, and Locke is too into this woman meeting his daughter to introduce us.
Locke doesn’t have to exchange names for us, though. I know who she is by her eye color alone. Astor Hayes. Locke’s sister.
These two have already missed too many crucial months, so I pay deep attention to what’s going on up front, but I can’t help but keep an ear to them, the voyeur part of me wanting to listen to everything they say.
Maybe I shouldn’t have.
“Who is she?” Astor whispers to Locke in a way she thinks I can’t hear. One of her fingers is clasped by Lily, one that contains a very sparkly diamond.
“Her name’s Carter,” he responds in the same tone. He’s hiding his lips in Lily’s hair. “She’s Paige’s best friend, helped raise Lily.”
“Ah.” But Astor isn’t finished. I watch her sleek brunette head dip closer to Locke’s. “So, what’s she still doing here? I thought rights had been established. There’s no reason for her to—”
“Shh. Keep your voice down. And yeah, legally she doesn’t have to be here. She’s here because I asked her to.”
Astor’s navy-clad back stiffens. “Why?”
“Because she loves Lily and I didn’t want to rip her away the way the courts said I could.”
“Locke…”
“My decision, sis. And it’s been fine. Great, actually. So, sit back, enjoy some fish smell and your new niece, and stop questioning my decisions like you always do.”
“You have to admit, you’ve given me plenty of reason.”
“That’s in the past. Here. Hold your niece.”
“I don’t—oh, shit—maybe…”
Lily’s unceremoniously plopped on Astor, and those almond-shaped eyes of hers turn into full circles as she hovers her hands over Lily’s torso, unsure what to make of the creature.
“She’s pretty sturdy,” I say warmly and help position Astor’s hands. “You just need to hold her in a way that can save her from herself.”
Astor’s lashes flutter up, her stare pinning me. “She’s a bowling pin. She’s going to fall as soon as I tap her.”
I laugh because the unadulterated, uncomfortable fear in Astor’s face is exactly how I was when Paige pushed a newborn baby burrito in my arms in the hospital. “Not if you maintain a steady grip. Here.”
I fish through the diaper bag, on the floor at my feet now, and pull out a teething wafer. “Have her gnaw on this, and she’ll be as still as a cat for at least forty-five seconds.”
Lily nabs the cracker as soon as she sees it, and as predicted, her butt stays perfectly still as she turns the food this way and that before shoving it in.
Astor’s shoulders relax. “Thank you.”
This gives Astor the time needed to study the baby in her arms, her gaze feathering across Lily’s lips, to her cheeks, to her lush coat of lashes. Not to mention the frizz ball hair. In those seconds, I see Astor soften, her mouth curve, as she takes in all that she’s related to.
“Wow, Locke,” she says.
“Don’t I fuckin’ know it,” he says, before glancing at me and mouthing an apology. “Still learning how not to curse in front of a baby.”
“Takes practice,” I say. The number of f-bombs I dropped when Lily wouldn’t sleep more than twenty minutes had me sounding like a trucker.
None of us are watching the sea lions anymore, so when they do their finishing act, it goes unnoticed. Astor makes hand motions for somebody to get the baby, because no way is she standing up with one, and Locke swoops in.
We navigate back to the stroller, which is magically still there. Not even any wheels are taken off, and my view of Gotham City is once again turned on its head.
“You going to stay a while?” Locke asks his sister as he straps Lily in.
“I can’t. Have a huge motion due Monday that’s going to take all weekend to write. I may be a summer intern until I pass the bar, but they still use me like I’m their paralegal. But I couldn’t stay away,” she adds. “And I’m so glad I finally got to meet her.”
“Maybe longer next time,” Locke says and pecks Astor on the cheek. “Say hi to Mike for me.”
For my benefit, he rolls his eyes.
Astor smacks him on the arm. “One of these days you’re going to have to ac
cept your future brother-in-law.”
“Don’t want to; don’t have to.”
“Stop being such a child.”
“I’m only as old as you are.” Locke grins, then says to me, “We’re twins if you haven’t noticed.”
“No, I didn’t,” I say, and am genuinely shocked.
Astor’s attitude, her gait, her outfit, all scream at me that she’s older. Her eyes alone seem ten years wiser than Locke’s. They lack the spark of humor that Locke’s withstood despite the disappointment in his life. Seem cracked and altered. I wonder what her story is.
“I’m five minutes older. Obviously,” Astor says to me, and it’s the warmest way she’s included me in their conversation. “It’s nice to meet you, uh…Carter. Can we have you guys over sometime? For dinner? I’d love more time with Lily. That is, Carter, if you’re still here with us…”
“Astor,” Locke warns.
“It’s all genuine,” Astor says, flicking a hand at him. “Honestly. You’re invited at any time.”
“Text me your calendar schedule for the next week,” Locke says dryly. “I’ll see if I can fit us in.”
“Don’t be an asshole.” She goes in for a hug. “I love you.” She bends down to Lily’s level. “And, oh boy, have you given my heart a run for its money. You’re adorable. I love you, too.”
I can tell she means it, but it comes off as awkward. Maybe it’s how she hikes her skirt to bend down, or the way she’s balancing in heels. Or how her smile freezes halfway.
She’s unsure how to deal with this new addition but wants to try.
Astor stands and waves her last good-bye. As we’re watching her leave, I say to Locke, “I should get back early. I have to meet the manager of the coffee shop about my paintings soon.”
“Oh.”
It’s almost physical, the way I sense Locke’s disappointment.
“Sure,” he says. “Lily and I’ll hang out here for a while. See if we can spot an awake panda bear. Right, Lil?” He peers over the stroller to catch her eye, but she’s too caught up in the pigeons nipping for stray popcorn kernels beside her.
Players to Lovers (4 Book Collection) Page 10
