She props her chin in her hands, but the position is anything but blasé. Her gaze, unlike Locke’s, is cutting. She’s like a human x-ray, and I’m not sure about her reading my every twitch. “It’s been pretty isolating, what you and Locke are going through.”
This time, my nod is firm. “Having a baby does that.”
“It’s interesting to me that your friend—Paige?—didn’t say a word to Locke about the pregnancy.”
Astor pretends not to remember Paige’s name, but every instinctual bone tells me she knows exactly who Paige is, who I am, and that the point of having me out with her is to glean as much information as she can since Locke probably isn’t doing much to tap her in.
“What happened between them is their business,” I say. “I really don’t know why she kept it a secret.”
“You never asked her?”
“There wasn’t really any point.”
“You’d think there would be, for something as big as that. Weren’t you curious as to who the father was?”
“Sure, of course. But then Paige was diagnosed with stage four cancer a month after having Lily, so priorities shifted.”
Astor clams up, exactly how I meant her to. I lean back for the server to set down our drinks. At our dismissal of his offer for anything else, I’m left with just Astor again.
“I’m sorry about that. I really am,” Astor finally says.
“A lot of strangers are.”
As Astor’s gaze dims, I amend, “I know you’re sincere. It’s just…a lot of people who don’t know Paige are trying to get to know her really well now, and it’s…it’s pointless. Paige was a wonderful person with human flaws. She didn’t want Locke to know. And believe me, now that I see him with Lily, I wish, so much, I knew why. But I never asked. And maybe that’s my fault, but all I wanted to do was be there for my friend, who was dying. She had a newborn, and she’s given a death sentence.” My voice cracks with broken glass, and I take a quenching, cool sip of my drink.
“Yep, I’m officially an ass.”
I offer a small, kind laugh. “You’re not. You have every right to try and figure me out. This is your secret niece we’re talking about.”
“I’m still a butthole.” She sighs, looking past me. “I’m not exactly trying to see things in your shoes. I’m trying too hard to understand how, how, my brother had a kid. He’s a slut, sure, but he’s always careful, for the sole purpose of not having indiscriminate babies across the state.”
I smile like it’s a joke, but I don’t feel amused. At the fact Locke’s slept with so many women, or the number of unknown babies he could be a father to…it’s enough to make the joke fall flat.
“Locke’s hard to get to know,” I admit. “Then again, he could be keeping walls up with me same as you. I’m a stranger handing him a baby who I could’ve deliberately kept hidden.”
And it’s true. I’m the only one Paige told. No one, not the birth certificate, not the hospital staff, not the hospice, knew who the father was. I could’ve hidden her last letter. I could’ve lied and fought the courts for custody of Lily instead of handing over Paige’s written will. I helped raise this baby, after all.
But I didn’t.
Guilt. Paige’s past as an orphan. Doing the Right Thing. It was all stacked against my selfish wish to keep Lily as my own.
Astor’s stare hits me again. “Would you? Have continued to keep Lily a secret from us if you could?”
“That’s an unfair question,” I say quietly, and I don’t think she heard.
“It’s clear how much you love Lily,” Astor continues. “Yes, the pre-lawyer part of me is all sirens, thinking at any second you could take that baby and run. Yet, you’re still here. You’re living with my brother, helping him through a really tough time, when he’s not letting anyone else close enough to try. So, I wonder, what is it about you? What is it that Locke sees in you?”
I shake my head. “I can’t answer that.”
“You can’t answer a lot of things.”
“Am I under interrogation?” My hackles rise. “I’m trying to answer anything you ask, but you’re requesting some really tough shit that it would take the universe to figure out.”
Astor leans back.
“I’m one person,” I continue, “in a really complicated situation that I’m not so sure I’ll ever understand. But I’m here for Lily. Her. I’m not trying to steal her or get into Locke’s pants, or rob him of money or anything else you and Locke’s crew are thinking I’m gonna do. I want what’s best for that baby, and keeping her away from her father when she’s already lost her mother is not it.”
There’s a visceral pause between us, threads of atoms tightening in our blank space until the corners of Astor’s mouth tilt up.
“You’re too nice,” she says, bringing her drink to her lips. “I really wish you were a bitch so I could hate you without guilt.”
“I’m honest,” I grind out, then deflate and sip through my straw. “And I’m fucking tired.”
A bright peal leaves Astor’s lips. “Okay, the jig is up. I didn’t want to be here tossing verbal arrows at you, though I admit I’m enjoying it. I’m protective of Locke. Worried about him. And I need to do everything in my power to make sure you’re legit.”
“I don’t have anything to hide. Really,” I assure. “I only want to spend as much time with Lily as I can, before…before…” I can’t even finish. Clearly, I have my work cut out for me before I pack up and leave her here.
Astor says, after a time of deep study of me, “Strange, but I believe you. And I’ll relieve you and change the subject, but I want to give you a single warning. One thing Locke hates is secrets.” Her gaze goes distant before firing up and becoming alert again, so fast I barely caught it. “So, you better make sure you really are here for the right reasons.”
“I have no ulterior motive,” I say, but it didn’t come out as strong as intended. I’m thinking about Locke, bare-chested, lines of muscle and taut tendons, about his golden, naked skin hovering so close to mine I can feel the electrical imbalance in the air.
I may not have arrived with ulterior motives, but now all I can think of is how he is in bed. With me. And if I admit that to Astor, I’m sure she’ll sigh with disappointment.
Yet another girl who shows so much promise, falling for her unreliable brother.
I’m different from the rest, but not in a special snowflake way. I know that screwing around with him could deteriorate any remaining relationship with Lily, and I can never, ever let that happen—no matter how much my hormones want to betray me. No matter how much sexual restraint it takes to keep him at arm’s length.
Astor senses the change, and her expression tightens with suspicion, but she doesn’t push the subject. She doesn’t have to. I know she’ll be watching me.
What she doesn’t know is, I’ll be watching myself.
“Locke’s been through…a lot,” she says with a pensive swirl of her straw. “Not to say you haven’t, but that’s what makes it more concerning. The two of you have been through ridiculous shit that people our age shouldn’t have to deal with yet. And I’m worried that’s bringing you close to him, but not in a healthy way. In an isolating, lonely way.”
She risks a glance at me, and for a minute, I think I’m staring at Locke, that it’s him attempting to understand me, warn me, that we can never work even though we both want it badly.
“He…” Astor trails off, licks her lips. “Fuck, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’m seeing a lot of things I shouldn’t. Like how you and my brother are with each other. The way whatever room you’re in…shrinks…with something so all-consuming you guys don’t know there are other people around. No one except Lily, that is.”
Astor’s picturing the three of us as a tight-knit family, and I lick my own lips in response because that very realization has been drying up and crumbling my heart since the moment I noticed it, too.
“So, you need to know,” Astor continue
s, more determined. “When Locke was injured, he was bedridden for a long time. It gave him too many moments on his back, way too much boredom. He’s always been intense. Deeply addicted to his sport, committed to success. His drive was a force, and it bowled anyone else who didn’t believe in him out of the way.” She shakes her head as if attempting to get back to the point. I’m afraid to say anything to interrupt. “It nearly killed him, being told he couldn’t play anymore. Or even be benched. He was out, for good.”
“I saw the video,” I can’t help saying. “It was terrible.”
“Even worse to witness it firsthand,” Astor admits. “As soon as the doctor gave him the news, I knew I was at risk of losing my brother. Whatever remained in him without football…God, I didn’t even know. I hadn’t seen that part of him in so long. He’d become so arrogant, so into himself and his wins. But now, he has nothing. So…he turned to the worst.”
I lean in closer.
“He found he liked his pain killers, Carter. A lot. Coupled with alcohol, he discovered how he could escape his new life, and he liked being in that place. Didn’t care if it killed him.”
My mouth parts at the same time a sinking begins in my stomach. “I…I didn’t know.”
Astor straightens. “Of course not. That’s a secret Locke keeps well hidden, because he thinks he’s over it. Big surprise—he hates all secrets except those he keeps about himself. Typical Locke ego. He thinks his friends have gotten him through the worst of it, and they have. Ben…Ben did everything he could to get Locke out of that black place. But Locke still visits there sometimes. He hides it well, but I’m not stupid.”
My spine goes stiff. “Is Lily in danger?”
“I mean, I’m not convinced Locke is okay. And learning he has a kid…fuck, I was terrified he’d spiral.”
“That doesn’t tell me what I need to know,” I say. I’ve always been told lawyers love to hedge, even ones who don’t have their state bar results yet, but Astor’s driving me crazy. “As far as I was aware, Locke was doing great. And now you’re telling me he could be an addict.” I start to stand. “If Lily’s not okay with him, I’m taking her right now—”
“No!” Astor puts a hand on my wrist. “Shit, no, please stay. If you think for one second that I’d leave a baby with Locke when he’s not okay…” Astor sighs. “You don’t know me. So, how I’m coming across doesn’t make sense to you. I’m-I’m venting. Trying to make you understand who Locke is as a person, how much he fights for what he loves. Not to inform you that Lily’s at risk.” She rubs at her face. “I’m doing a horrible job. I’m so bad at this,” she says, dropping her hand. “At getting to know people. Especially those as deeply involved with Locke as you are.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” I say, but my voice has lost its edge. I sit back down, but my mind’s traveling days, weeks back, and sifting through all the moments where Locke could’ve shown weakness. Where pills could be involved. The absolute agony on his face in the form of harsh lines the other day, at the corners of his lips, his forehead.
His sharp denial when I told him to take pain meds.
Oh, I’m such an idiot.
Astor stares at me levelly, and I feel her assessment as easily as if she’s gliding her index finger down from my forehead to my toes. “It’s funny. Everyone who cares about Locke is worried how you’ll rock the boat if you’ll swipe what’s remade him from under his nose and leave him adrift. But no one is considering how this storm is affecting you.”
I swallow. Take a drink to soothe a suddenly parched throat. Spoiler alert—I don’t like being under Astor’s study.
“I’m going on year two of dealing with the worst moment in my life,” I say. “I can weather whatever will come at me next.”
“Strong,” Astor murmurs while stirring her cocktail. “Bet Locke didn’t expect that.”
“Why not? He has you,” I say. The longer this conversation goes on, the more I’m willing to spar. “You seem pretty tough.”
Astor barks out a laugh. “Someone has to corral him. His friends encourage more than they supervise.”
“I’ve only met them once. They seem…nice.”
This time, Astor’s laugh is genuine and long. “They’re intimidating as shit. They’re all too smart for their hot bods to operate properly. All that glorious, slick muscle usually trumps any of their logic, and their little heads usually win all arguments with their big ones. I can’t believe Locke had you walk into that.”
“I don’t think he meant for it to happen. They were going to meet Lily, door or no door.”
When Astor smiles, something happens to her normally cool composure. It’s like a different woman looks back at me once I warm her up. “That sounds like them.”
“What do you think of Ben?”
Astor zeroes in on me. I lift my drink innocently. She invited me to the roast. It’s only fair I add a little sizzle. And at her careful once-over, I suspected she knows it.
“Ben’s a good guy,” is all she’ll say.
I can’t help it. I spare a glance at her ring. She notices. “There’s nothing going on between Ben and me.”
“Was there ever?”
Astor chuckles under her breath, shaking her head. “I underestimated you.”
“I’m learning that around here; it’s better to bite than to poke.”
“True. Locke has some tough people around him, but we’re loyal. You get us on your side, you have us forever.”
I nod. “I remember what that’s like.”
“You can rest easy knowing that our insane loyalties, our protective hearts, will go all in for that little girl.”
I smile. “Thank you.”
Astor nods. “And I see it in Locke. I’m glad Lily has made him stronger, has given him a purpose other than himself. I realize now that’s exactly what he needs.”
“It’s true. You should see how he’s growing with her, it’s like—”
“What he doesn’t need is a girl to screw all this up.”
“—he lights up with Lily, I can’t—” I blink. “What?”
Astor makes sure I’m paying attention, her gaze unwavering. “He likes you. I saw you two together one time, and I felt it as sure as a spider crawling along my arm. And Locke is very good at appearing strong, confident, and cocky like he’s got his shit together. But he’s not. He doesn’t. He’s vulnerable.”
“I-I know that.” I almost lay a hand on hers before I shy away. “It’s why I stayed. Yes, mostly for Lily, but also for him. He was so lost, but there was also a focus in him, a need to be a good father. I’m here to help him become that, nothing more.”
“You’re vulnerable, too,” Astor says. “The two of you could be cataclysmic. Promise me you won’t cross that line. I can’t have that Locke come back again. The one who cares about nothing but existing until he dies. Not a second time.”
Something trips in my brain. “Second? But I thought it was just the injury—”
We’re interrupted by the server clearing our drinks in an obvious passive-aggressive move for us to clear the table if we’re not ordering anything else so bigger tippers could step in.
When he leaves, the moment to pry has gone. I go for her hand. Her ring is sharp against my palm. “He has Lily now, Astor. And I’m not here to ruin him.”
Astor searches my eyes. “God, you’re beautiful. It’s petrifying you’ve lasted this long with him and still remained platonic.”
“I…thank you?”
“Sorry. I’m too blunt sometimes.” Astor breaks our connection by sitting back and laughing. “Both of us have demolished our drinks during this very intense conversation. What d’you say we get another round and go dance off some tension?”
“Oh…I don’t—”
“Dance? Of course, you do. Everyone does. Especially after a tequila shot. Come on.”
Astor’s up and grabbing my hand before I can protest, and after ordering two shots, then refreshing us with new Jack and Cokes, pulls m
e down the stairs and onto the small dance floor where people and noise drown out all concerns within its musical rabbit hole.
20
Locke
I wake from an awkward sprawl on the couch to the downstairs door banging open.
Blinking, grumbling, I fumble in the dark for my phone on the floor somewhere to check the time. Three a.m.
I put Lily to bed eight hours ago and have been crashed out ever since. Carter would’ve been proud of the bedtime routine—I followed it to a T. Scheduling is in my DNA, and I had that baby bathed, bottled, pajama’d, sleep sacked and in her crib by 7:15. And like Carter assured, Lily accepted it all with little fuss.
A checkbox in Carter’s column, for sure. Whatever she and Paige had done to help this little girl go to bed without screaming, I’m forever thankful for.
Paige.
She’s like a curse word in my mind. The instant I recall her, I think back on our night, what happened, and how I’m hiding it from Carter.
It’s crazy how concerned I am over what Carter might think. How she’d see me if I ever admitted to her how Paige and I came together in the first place. It’s bad enough Carter’s leaving for good in three weeks.
Speaking of…
The apartment door creaks open, light from the hallway pooling inside the dark interior where I’m hidden. The shadows still encase me as I see one leg flash inside, then a torso, then tangled hair.
I crack a smile as she trips over her own feet. The mermaid has washed ashore.
Quietly, she shuts the door. Then attempts to take her heels off, and succeeds after one precarious sideways lean that almost lands her on the floor. I’m tempted to help her, but I’m more entertained by what’s going to happen next.
Like she’s a cartoon burglar, Carter tiptoes across the floorboards.
It’s when she’s almost at Lily’s nursery that I think, Shit.
One thing I forgot to do was pick up all of Lily’s toys.
A squeak echoes across the main room, vibrating the airwaves and pulling at the corners of my mouth as Carter whisper-yells, “Shit!” and trips over her feet again, this time landing against the opposite wall and sliding down.
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