“Hey,” she said.
“Hey,” I mumbled back as I took the coffee cup from her. “Thanks.”
“Kate, I want you to know I am not going to tell you what to do. You know I would never do that. But I want you to think about the last few years of your life. I want you to think about all the things you have shared with me about how unhappy you’ve been, how lonely you’ve been, and decide what it is you truly want. If it’s Daniel you want and you truly believe you can fix it, then you fight for it. But if Daniel is not what you want, then you have to move on. You deserve the life you dream about, Kate. Even if you don't believe that right now, you do. If you can have that life with Daniel, then go for it. But if you believe deep in your heart that he will never be able to give it to you, then you have a decision to make. I’m here, you know that, but this is all you, my friend.”
I gave her a half smile. It was all I could muster at that moment. I knew exactly what Jen was saying. I loved her for it. There was no other person on this planet who would be so real and raw with me. Part of me knew she was absolutely right. I had a decision to make. I didn’t know if Daniel would ever be able to give me what I wanted. I didn’t know if he was even capable of it anymore. He was so wrapped up in himself. I didn’t think he really even saw me anymore—or cared to see me. Deep in my heart, I knew what I had to do. But I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do it.
I went home around ten a.m. I knew Daniel wouldn’t be there, so I figured it was safe. As I pulled the car into the driveway, the tears began to well in my eyes. “Fuck,” I said out loud. It was the only word that I could think of to sum up my feelings. My heart hurt. I didn’t want to get out of the car because I knew opening the door and walking inside would be painful. My whole life was in that house. Every single memory I had was all wrapped up in our house. It was where we raised our kids for the last fifteen years. It was where my whole life was.
As I walked in, the pain of my current situation hit me hard. I choked back a sob and steadied myself on the kitchen counter. How had my life changed so dramatically in less than twenty-four hours? I made my way to our bedroom and lay on our bed. I let the pain of the last few hours wash over me like a blanket. I let the tears fall. I cried for hours. I cried for the life I once knew, for the man I once loved so desperately, but most of all, I cried for me. For letting myself and my marriage get to this place. For losing myself to my family and forgetting who I once was, for not paying attention to what was going on right in front of my face and letting my husband slip out of my hands and into the arms of another.
Chapter Three
I woke up disoriented. I had no idea what day or time it was. I turned on my back and stared up at the ceiling as the realization of my current situation came flooding over me. Tears stung my eyes as I felt the depth of my pain. I felt it in the very marrow of my being. I hated it and decided to get up and wash my face. I looked at the clock. It was two p.m. The day was almost gone. Daniel would be home in a few hours.
I didn’t know if I had the energy to talk with him this evening. I knew we needed to sit down and talk, but I didn’t want to. For some reason, I began to pack a bag. I had no idea where I would go, but I knew I needed to escape and be on my own for a little while. I needed to get away and think. There was so much to think about and staying there wouldn’t help me get my head clear.
Once I’d packed enough for a week, threw my bag in the car, and left. I had no direction in mind, so I drove north. Florida was hot this time of year and I longed for some cooler weather. I could drive up and see the kids at school, but the last thing they needed was their mom—who was a complete mess—to descend on their lives. As much as the mountains of North Carolina called to me this time of year, I wouldn’t do that to them. Camryn and Carson needed their space. It was their time to spread their wings and not have their mother, who was falling apart at the seams, invade their lives. I needed to keep this from them until I knew exactly where this was going.
I called Jen and let her know what I was doing and that I would call her when I found a place to stay. I texted Daniel to let him know I was going away for a week and we could talk when I returned. The simple “K” in his reply told me he wasn’t happy with my decision, but I didn’t care. I had spent the better part of my life making him happy and doing what he wanted. He could give me a week.
I rolled my windows down, turned the music up and let Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” blare. Maybe this would become my mantra. I liked the new Taylor. I know many didn’t. They liked the old Taylor, but this one, this new one, she grew a set of balls and wasn’t taking shit from anyone. Maybe I needed to take some notes from her.
I drove for hours and wound up in coastal South Carolina. October in the Carolinas is beautiful. I wandered into a little town called Beaufort and immediately knew this was where I wanted to stay for the next week. I needed a slower pace. This was the perfect place for me to clear my head. I saw a magnificent old Victorian house called the Beaufort Inn, and hoped they had a room for me. I knew this time of year was busy, so it could be a long shot, but I walked in with my head and hopes high.
I was immediately greeted by the sweetest woman, Susan, in her mid-sixties with a smile that warmed my heart and made me feel welcome. She actually made tears come to my eyes as I missed my mom. I so desperately wished she was there for me to talk to, especially now, as I could really use her guidance. Susan graciously let me know they actually did have a room available.
“You wouldn’t believe it,” she said. “I just had a couple cancel due to an unexpected emergency. You walked in at just the right time, my dear. It was meant to be.”
I could have kissed her. I was physically tired from my drive, but the emotional weariness was setting in. All I wanted was a hot shower and a clean bed. As I settled in to my room—my luxurious, beautiful, just-what-I-needed room,—tears began to sting my eyes again. I called Jen to let her know where I was. I gave her the address and let her know I’d be in full recluse mode for a few days. Jen got me. She knew me, sometimes better than I knew myself. She told me she loved me and would check in with me in a few days. She knew I needed my space, always knew when to back off and when to come charging in. I didn’t know where I’d be without her.
I showered, which I thought would put me in the right state of mind to curl up and go to bed, but I was restless. I decided to go for a walk and get some fresh air. The sweet historic town was delightful. Even though it was evening and the sun had faded, the quaintness of the town did not go unnoticed. I strolled along the shops and restaurants and decided to pop into one for a glass of wine. I walked into a restaurant on the river, and instead of getting a table by myself, I put my game face on and sat at the bar. The bartender was quick to approach me.
“What can I get for you?” he asked.
I decided on a glass of Sonoma Cutrer, one of my favorite Chardonnays. Another bartender approached and asked if I’d like to see a menu. In that moment, the cat must have had my tongue, because I couldn’t speak. I was looking into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, and that face. OMG. “Get it together Kate,” I said to myself. Holy shit, this guy was hot. Um, who was this person thinking these thoughts? I hadn’t thought thoughts like this since I was in my twenties.
“Excuse me, maybe you didn’t hear me—would you like to see a menu?” he asked.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s been a long day. Yes, please, I’d love to see a menu.”
His smile was warm and genuine, and oh so sexy. “Dammit, stop it, Kate.” I murmured to myself.
“Long day, huh? Where you in from?”
“Oh, um, I just drove up from Tampa. Decided I needed a little space.” He looked at my left hand and raised an eyebrow.
“It’s a long story. I won’t bore you with it.” I chuckled.
“Well, if you like oysters, we have the best around. My name’s Ryan. If you need anything, just shout. Tim’s the one who got you your wine. Let either of us know wha
t you need.”
I smiled and thanked him. I know my face must be red. I had never had a reaction to a man like that. As he walked away I couldn’t help but wonder what his “V” was like.
OMG, Kate Jones, you are in the middle of the most fucked up situation of your entire life, and you’re thinking about another man’s “V.” What in God’s name is wrong with you?
Well, at least I wasn’t dead. That was good to know. My sex life with Daniel had been dead for years. Sure, it had been amazing once, but over the years, it went from exciting, to vanilla, to non-existent. Well, at least I knew why now. That young brunette with the huge tits was why. Oh, I was sure there were probably others. She couldn’t be the only one. Daniel had pulled away from me years ago. We simply existed and put on a good show. Still, the image of seeing him with another woman was painful. It hurt that he thought so little of me, so little of us, that he couldn’t talk to me about our life, our situation. When did he lose his respect for me?
“Would you like to order?” I looked up and was disappointed when I saw it was Tim.
“Um, yes, I’ll have a half dozen oysters of your choosing. I’ve heard you have the best.”
With that, he took my menu. I was left alone with my thoughts and glass of wine.
The oysters were heavenly, smooth and rich, similar to tasting a good glass of wine. My eyes betrayed me as they searched constantly for Ryan. Just a few glimpses of him made my pulse quicken. I finished my oysters and thanked Tim, disappointed that it wasn’t Ryan.
I decided to take my time and stroll by the river on my way back to the Inn. My thoughts were racing. I had so much to figure out yet my mind kept circling back to one thing. Ryan. When I finally made my way to the Inn, Susan was there and asked how I was. I let her know that I had just had the most fantastic oysters I’d ever tasted.
She beamed and said, “Ah, then you found our little secret. The owner is hands-down the best around and spares nothing on having the best of the best.”
“Well, he certainly didn’t disappoint,” I said. “Good-night Susan.”
“Goodnight, dear. Get a good night’s sleep. Don’t hesitate to reach out of you need anything.”
Chapter Four
I woke in the morning with a feeling of dread. I lay in bed for a long time, contemplating how I got to this point. Where did things start to veer off course? Did I spend too much time with the kids? Did I not pay enough attention to Daniel? No, that wasn’t it. I made sure things were balanced. I always made time for Daniel. Date nights were scheduled, weekend getaways, too, time alone at night after the kids went to bed…there was always time for Daniel.
Maybe I had let myself go? He didn’t desire me the way he once did. I didn’t think I was that bad. At forty-three, I took great care of myself. I went to Pilates four times a week, ate well, and swam laps at the local Y once a week. I was, in fact, in amazing shape. So what happened? Where did our disconnection come from? Why did we lose it? Why would he cheat?
I never understood cheating. If a person was going to cheat, why didn’t they simply leave instead? The hurt that came with knowing you’d been faithful and your partner hadn’t was almost too much to bear. She had to be a good fifteen years younger than me, too. That made a girl feel really good about herself. Ugh.
“What the fuck, Daniel,” I said out loud.
I got up and put on workout clothes and decided to go for a run. I hadn’t run in years but the thought of running felt right. I needed to sweat, to release some of the hurt and anger I felt. Running seemed like the thing to help me do just that. I said good morning to Susan and let her know that I would have breakfast when I returned. She smiled at me and nodded.
I ran. I ran and I ran and I ran. Tears burned in my eyes, but I kept running. It felt so good to give everything I had, to feel the sweat pouring down my chest and back, and to hear my steps on the pavement. I didn’t know if I was running toward a future I had no idea what to do with or running from a past that had left me feeling unwanted.
Do I go back and try to work things out? Do I leave and start a new life for myself? If I stay, will things change, or will I always regret not leaving? If I leave, will I regret not staying? I stopped running and found a bench down by the river. I sat, trying to catch my breath. As I bent over, breathing deeply, someone sat beside me.
“I thought that was you,” he said.
I looked up into those beautiful blue eyes and froze. Face red, sweaty, hair in a bun on the top of my head, messy, out of breath—exactly how I wanted this incredible specimen of a man to see me. “Hey there, beautiful, you look like you had a good run.”
I smiled and didn’t know what to say.
“You’re not much of a talker, are you?”
“Um, I am. I mean, I normally am. You caught me off guard.”
“I’m sorry. If you’d like to be alone, I can move on.”
“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I was a world away when you snuck up on me.”
“Well, I can agree to that. You never even heard me when I was running behind you.”
Ugh, he was running behind me. What must he have thought. I can’t imagine what I looked like running. Probably like a baby deer trying to find her legs.
“No, I didn’t. I can only imagine what a sight I was from behind.” I groaned.
“You are a mighty fine sight,” he said. I blushed. “I never did get your name,” he stated.
“Kate. I’m Kate. Kate Jones.”
I stuck my hand out to shake his. He chuckled and stuck his hand out to meet mine. I didn’t know if he felt it, but the electricity that shot through me was almost violent. I took my hand back quickly.
“I should get going.”
“Where are you running off to? I thought you were here to relax?”
“I am. Sort of. I’m actually here so that I can take a step back and try to figure out my life. As my best friend Jen says, I am at a crossroads and need to figure out what path to take.”
I stood to head back to the Inn. Ryan stood with me.
“Well, Kate Jones, if you have time while your sorting out your crossroads, swing by The Pub tonight. We have a great band coming in. The locals will be out. I promise you, you’ll have a great time. It’ll get that pretty little head of yours off your problems for a few hours.”
“I’ll think about it.” I smiled. “Thank you for the invite.” I turned and walked away.
“Ready for breakfast?” asked Susan as I walked in the door.
“Yes, I’m starving!”
“Coming up, my dear. Have yourself a seat. I’ll bring it right out. Would you like some coffee?”
“Yes, please Susan. I would love coffee. Thank you.”
I told myself I shouldn’t go. I had absolutely no reason to go, yet there I was, getting ready. I wasn’t sure why I was going, only that I knew I wanted to get out and mingle a little. It had been a long time since I’d had fun. Jen told me I should go when I checked in with her earlier. Jen’s exact words were, “You only live once, go have some fun.” She always had a way of making me feel better. I hadn’t heard from Daniel since his “K” came through yesterday. That was it, one small syllable, nothing else. God, he infuriated me. No apology, no lengthy voicemail or text begging me for forgiveness. What an asshole.
I pulled on a pair of jeans, an emerald-green silk tank, and silver and gold wedges. I paired that with a long gold chain and studs in my ears. As I applied my makeup, my thoughts got the best of me. Was he with her in our home? Did he even care how much he hurt me? Did he even know the amount of rejection I felt?
God, this is painful. How on earth did I get here? At forty-three, there I was, on the brink of losing everything. Tears stung my eyes, though I wouldn’t allow them to fall. I’d cried so many tears. I was tired of crying.
Walking into The Pub was a little nerve wracking. I’d never really walked into a bar scene quite like this all by myself. The place was rocking. The band was from the south and were amazing
. Their music flowed through The Pub, people were dancing and singing along, and spirits were high.
I found a space at the crowded bar. Tim saw me and waved. I waved back. He asked if I wanted a glass of Cutrer. I nodded and gave a thumbs-up. I turned to watch the band, taking in the moment. The vibe was high and infectious. I turned around to see if my wine had arrived, and when I did, there were those sultry blue eyes staring at me. He held a glass of wine in hand.
“Hello, beautiful. You look amazing tonight,” he said. I blushed and thanked him. What was it about this guy that made me feel sixteen again?
“Glad you made it out. Tonight’s going to be a fun one. The locals love this band.”
“I can see that. I’m loving the vibe in here,” I said, realizing I probably sounded like an idiot.
“Yes, the vibe is something else. This is one of my favorite nights. People come from all over to listen to The Crew. They’ve made a name for themselves in these parts. They never disappoint.”
“Well, I’m happy I get to experience them first hand. Thank you for inviting me.”
He smiled, that sexy, slow smile. I felt my pulse quicken. Flustered, I turned back to watch the band.
“Kate, if there’s anything you need, anything at all, just let me know.”
I turned back slowly and smiled.
“Thank you, Ryan. I appreciate that.”
As the night went on, I felt myself relaxing. I hadn’t felt this relaxed in a very long time and was reasonably sure the three glasses of wine had something to do with it. I never had three glasses of wine. Two was normally my limit, but tonight, I felt like forgetting about my current reality and merely enjoyed being in the moment. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed living in the now. My moments lately had been filled with worry, anxiety, and unhappiness. I shifted my mind back to the present, letting the music wash over me. They really were an amazing band. When I felt a hand on my lower hip, I startled. Ryan stood close to me.
Wanted (The Dare to Dream Series Book 1) Page 2
