Crap. That was worse.
Michael: Where are you?
Michael: Call me
Michael: Call me. Please
Michael: Steph I’m worried about you. Call me
Michael: Call me. Now
Michael: I have been trying to see you all weekend. You weren’t home last night or this morning. I tried to give you some time but this is getting ridiculous.
Michael: Steph. Answer your god damn phone!
The last message was seven minutes ago.
Yeah, asshole, and I bet you had a big surprise when you tried to get into my apartment and the lock was changed, huh?
God, I loved my management company.
Drained, I tossed my phone on the bed, having no intention of answering him. Dressing quickly, I threw my hair up in a messy bun and went downstairs. Following the smell of bacon cooking, I headed to the kitchen.
Warm sunlight flowed in through the lace curtains. Mom was at the stove cooking, and Remi sat quietly at the table coloring with a fat purple crayon. She looked up and saw me standing in the doorway. Her face lit up, and she scrambled down from the chair and wrapped her little arms around my legs.
“Mommy! Wemi miss you so, so much!” she exclaimed.
I scooped her up, sharing a good morning kiss with her. As I repeatedly kissed her dimples, they were a straight punch to the gut.
Burying the emotion, I squeezed her in a great big hug.
“Mommy! You squish Wemi!” She giggled.
I laughed with her as I placed her back in her chair at the table, where she happily resumed coloring after I sat next to her. With a small smile, I shook my head at how cute she was when she struggled with her Rs.
“Do you need help with anything?” I glanced over to my mom.
“No thank you,” she said with a soft tip of her lips. Then she went back to flipping bacon and stirring eggs.
“I need to head to town this afternoon. I’m going to take Remi and get some I-C-E C-R-E-A-M after I run a couple of errands.” I spelled it out or I would never get her to eat her breakfast.
My mom laughed. “Do you want company?”
“I need to take care of some things alone. I’ll be back afterward, and we’ll be here at least through tomorrow.”
My response obviously disappointed her.
“Wait. At least until tomorrow?” my mom asked with confusion. “Don’t you have to work on Monday?”
“Yes, but I may need to call in.” I didn’t want to get into why I was reluctant to head home.
She started to question me more, but I held up my hand. “Please, Mom, it’s a long story that I don’t want to get into right now.”
She pressed her lips together in annoyance but didn’t say any more. No fool, I knew that didn’t mean she’d dropped the subject.
We took Remi out to gather eggs. She laughed and giggled and tried to catch the chickens, but they ran circles around her.
As we were leaving the chicken coop, I saw Sam pull up in the driveway and get out of his truck. He had a troubled expression on his face as he leaned against his truck with his arms crossed.
Of my two brothers, Sam and I looked the most alike. We’d both inherited our mother’s clear blue eyes and blonde hair, though his had darkened with age and was now more honey-colored.
The irritation and concern I saw in his eyes had me on edge. Once we walked closer to the house, he stood up and dropped his arms.
He hugged our mom and kissed Remi. “I’ll be in to see her soon.”
Then he turned to me, intercepting me by catching my arm and quietly stating, “We need to talk.”
“Okayyyyy… what about? Is everything okay with you?” I wasn’t sure where this was leading, but I didn’t think I was going to like it. Cautiously, I followed him as he began to walk down the driveway. Silently, he cut across the front yard to sit on the bench under the big oak tree.
I sat down next to him, and he turned to me.
“You wanna tell me what happened with you and Reaper last night?” he said without preamble.
His use of Colton’s road name threw me for a second.
Shit. Not a conversation I wanted to have with my older, very protective brother. Crossing my arms, I stood up and turned away from him. It was easier than meeting his accusing eyes.
“Nothing happened, Sam. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried for calm nonchalance, but I knew I failed miserably when he continued.
“Really. Then why the hell was he asking Erik how to find you this morning? How would he know who you are, Steph, if nothing happened? Even though he’s quiet as hell and a little pensive, he’s always seemed like a pretty decent guy. When Erik officially introduced us last night, I liked him. But looks can be deceiving, and I need to know if I read him wrong. Was he the one who put those bruises on your arms? You know, the ones you tried to cover with makeup last night. Tell me what’s going on. Do you know him or not, Steph?” His tone was getting sharper, and I could sense his frustration building.
“No! God no! He didn’t do that to me! I swear!” I started to sob and covered my face with my hands.
Suddenly tired of holding all my shit in, I turned toward him. Shoulders sagging, I told him about Michael and how he had started out such a sweet, great guy but had steadily been progressing to a possessive psycho. Tears continued to run down my face as I stared down at my shoes when I’d finished.
Sam gathered me in a big hug.
“I’m going to fucking kill him, Steph,” he ground out in a low voice. “And Reaper? Where does he fit in this? And don’t give me that crap about nothing happened. I don’t fucking buy it. A man doesn’t want to find a woman with the desperation Erik described if there’s nothing between them.”
Swallowing hard, I raised tear-filled eyes to his and whispered in a tortured voice, “He’s Remi’s father, but he doesn’t know it.”
“Holy shit! Are you fucking kidding me? That little girl is over two years old! And you never told him? How could you do that to her? And how in the hell could you keep a father from his own daughter, Steph?” His expression was incredulous.
I pulled away, turning from him.
“It wasn’t like that,” I answered as I plucked at the hem of my shirt. Then I proceeded to tell him the whole sordid story, minus the details of our night together. There were some things a brother did not need to hear.
“Fuck, Steph. He’s lived here for a while. How have you never seen him?” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Jesus, you have to tell him. If you don’t, I will. It’s not fair to either of them.”
“You think I don’t know that? You think I didn’t pray every day that things had been different and I could’ve told him? And if you remember correctly, I haven’t been home much in the last couple of years,” I cried out. “Now after all this time, I don’t know what to say to him.”
“Just tell him! He’ll understand.” He gave me another hug. “I love you, little sis, but you have to do this sooner than later.”
NEEDING SOME WINDY THERAPY, I left the clubhouse alone and went for a ride. The sorry thing was even the wind whipping past me as I flew down the highway did little to still or calm my crazy fucking mind. My thoughts were all over the place.
I was angry. For some stupid goddamn reason, it was like she’d betrayed me.
It left me feeling hopeless… and for the first time in a long while, I felt like giving up.
As I approached a sharp curve in the road, it crossed my mind to just keep going straight. It wasn’t the first time I’d struggled with that vision.
At the last minute, I slowed. Leaning, I accelerated as I continued through the curve. Without conscious thought, I took the next turn and followed the road past the lake.
The first boat loading and unloading area had me pulling off.
I hit the kill switch and put my kickstand down as I sat on my bike. Leaning over my handlebars, I stared out at the sun reflecting and glittering on the w
ater. A deep breath filled my lungs. I didn’t know what to fucking do with myself.
Unbidden, memories crept in.
I leaned against a crumbling wall, gunfire and explosions coming from all around us. Mason sat next to me and took a quick glance through a hole in the wall. There was no sign of our extraction team yet. We’d completed our mission and made it to the rendezvous coordinates.
As we waited, we looked at each other and leaned our heads back against the shitty wall.
Out of habit, I pulled my phone out. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have service. I’d brought it with me and kept it charged so I could look at the picture of her smile. Determination flooded me, and I told myself I’d find her no matter what it took.
I’d tell her that it might be crazy, but she’d kept me sane while I was gone. I was pretty sure I loved her. In my mind, she’d hug me, tell me she loved me too and she’d been waiting for me. Like a love-struck schmuck, I kissed the screen, then turned it off and tucked it back into my tactical vest. I looked at Mason, and he shook his head and smiled as we heard the sound of the Blackhawk getting closer. We raced up to the top of the hill, and I sent up a thank-you to my angel for getting me through again.
I shook my head, clearing out the memory that had taken over. It was obvious I needed to fucking move on. It was time to accept that she wasn’t my damn guardian angel anymore and the dream that’d kept me sane had come to an end.
We had a job coming up that required me to have my fucking head screwed on straight. It was time to get my fucking shit in one sack and deal. Hell, I didn’t know how much more crap I could handle on my plate, but I told myself I’d dealt with worse before and came out just fine.
Fucking A.
Starting up my bike, I headed back toward town. I needed a fucking beer.
The closer I got to town, the clearer my head became. Fuck her, I didn’t need her shit in my life. If she was going to fuck around on her guy, she wasn’t the girl my imagination had built her ass up to be.
Reality never lived up to fantasy.
Before I knew it, I was pulling up to the Oasis.
Backing my bike up to the curb, I hit the kill switch and flipped down the kickstand. After getting off my bike, I slid my shades off and stepped into the dim interior. Stretching my stiff leg out, I walked up to the bar.
Mama handed me my Corona. “Who fucking kicked your puppy, son?”
A self-deprecating laugh escaped me at her question. “Let’s just say I’ve come to some realizations, and life isn’t always what you think it’s gonna be.” Not wanting to be bothered, I took my beer to a booth in the back where I could sit in the shadows.
I’d been nursing the beer for a while when I heard the door open. Someone came in and a child squealed in laughter. It was a melodious sound, and it made me smile.
Absently listening to the murmur of voices, I drew lines in the condensation.
Suddenly, there were quick little footsteps running toward me, and a little kid scrambled up into the other side of my booth. She placed her hands flat on the table, peered at me, and then gave me a big dimpled grin.
“Hi!” she burst out as I heard a familiar voice coming closer.
“Remi, you cannot just run off! And you can’t just hop up and bother people. I’m so sorry, sirrrrr….” Her voice trailed off, and I looked up to see Stephanie. She’d gone white as a sheet for the second time in two days as she stood stock-still by the table.
My stupid-ass heart raced just seeing her. It made me wish the traitorous chunk of muscle was still dead inside.
I glanced from her to the little girl. She looked around two years old or so. Slowly, I took in the dimples, the ice-blue eyes, the dark head of hair. She had beautiful curls just like her mother.
Comprehension dawning, I tried to do the math.
No. No fucking way. My eyes flashed to Steph, who was trying to pick the girl up, but the little one was having none of it.
In what seemed like slow motion, I reached out and placed my hand on her arm.
“Leave her. Sit.” My tone left no room for argument. My nostrils flared angrily.
Reluctantly, she slid into the booth next to the little girl. White teeth tugged her bottom lip as she stared down at her hands twisting on the tabletop so she didn’t have to meet my eyes.
“Is she?” I couldn’t say it. The words got stuck in my throat, and I couldn’t swallow.
“Yes,” she softly whispered.
I was in shock. This bitch had had my baby and kept her from me to have some other asshole raise her? My jaw clenched as I struggled to maintain my cool. It took everything I had not to explode. The last thing I wanted to do was frighten the little sweetheart sitting at the table organizing the ketchup, salt, and pepper containers.
On that night so many years ago, I’d told her I had no family I knew of and how I wished it were different. I hadn’t discussed a lot about myself, but I remembered that being mentioned.
How could she think it was okay to keep her from me, knowing I had no one? Anger had me wanting to throttle her, and I didn’t hurt women. Ever.
It was like I’d been dealt the deepest betrayal anyone could have given me. I’d made her into an untouchable guardian angel over the years. Now I realized how incredibly foolish that unrealistic ideal had been.
As I stood, I looked her dead in the eye. Indescribable anger toward her rippled through me, and I was having a hard time reining in my rage. I wanted to scoop the little girl—my little girl—up and run off with her. Thankfully, I had enough clarity to know I was in no state of mind to be around her.
“So you had my baby and then just replaced me in her life? Did you even try to find me?” It came out a harsh, angry whisper. I could only shake my head in disbelief. Ignoring the look of shocked incredulity on her face, I walked around her and stormed out the door. She had no right to look shocked. No right at all.
She frantically called my name, but I ignored her. When she burst out the door of the bar, I revved my engine to drown out her voice. Barely holding on to my sanity, I rode off like a bat out of hell down the street and out of town.
Head pounding, I tried to gather my thoughts. When I was done cooling my temper, she and I were going to sit down, and I was going to get some fucking answers.
I found myself back at the boat landing. Lying on the end of the small dock that jutted out into the lake, I stared at the pale blue sky with the clouds drifting slowly past. The color reminded me of the sheets we’d wrinkled and scattered off the bed that night.
The image of them tucked around her full tits flashed through my head. Though it was a new phone, the pic was still there.
What a pathetic piece of shit I was. No matter what I did, I couldn’t fucking reconcile the angel of my memories with the woman she really was, and it was fucking killing me. Both fists slammed down on the dock. The ancient boards rattled and shook with the force.
Yelling out my frustration, I sat up. Leaning my head on my crossed arms as they rested on my knees, I closed my eyes. Trying to ground myself, I focused on the sound of the birds, the water lapping gently against the pilings of the dock, and my breath as it entered and exited my body.
It was like I’d been transported back to the hospital. Disillusionment swam in me. I was dead inside, but the sounds around me told me I lived.
Slowly my mind calmed and cleared, leaving me feeling guilty for the way I’d treated her.
God, I was a real dick. The problem was, sometimes I couldn’t control my anger, despite working so hard to keep my wicked inner demons at bay.
The dam hadn’t burst, it fucking exploded.
Inhaling deeply, I pictured the little girl. My little girl.
Damn, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was a father.
She had my dark hair and the same fucking dimples that chicks went apeshit over.
Those wide eyes were the same blue as mine, not pale and soft like her mother’s. They were clear and vibrant blue
with darker flecks. The same ones I saw every time I looked in the mirror. Those few things were all I could recall, because I’d begun seeing red soon after she’d climbed up to the table.
One thing I knew with certainty was I wanted to have a relationship with her. Tough shit if her mother had replaced me in her life. My child was going to know me. I’d never have her growing up like I had, not knowing my father.
Once I’d calmed down, I knew I needed to talk to Stephanie.
I’d needed time to pull my stupid hot head out of my ass.
Feeling like an idiot, I removed my phone from my back pocket and pulled up the message she’d sent. Before I could change my mind, I shot off a reply. Once I received her brief response, I stuck it back in my pocket.
Me: We need to talk. Tonight. Meet me at the Oasis. Dress for a ride.
Stephanie: I’ll see what I can do.
In the meantime, I needed to get back to the clubhouse and talk to Hacker. We needed to fix the shit from earlier. We were brothers, and I couldn’t have shit like that hanging over us and coming between us.
He needed to know that the “kid” Steph had was mine. My kid. My daughter. I also needed him to look into what she’d been up to over the last three years.
I wanted to know everything about the preppy fuck she was with. Hell, I wanted to know the first time he took a shit and who changed it. I wanted to know what he ate for breakfast. I wanted to know what his throat felt like as it was being squeezed by my bare hands because he’d touched her.
And I wanted to know how and where she’d been raising my child.
My daughter.
Fuck. I had a daughter.
I was a fucking father.
Jesus, help me.
Stephanie. My Stephanie. I finally had her name, and yet she wasn’t mine and never would be. She’d moved on like I knew she would.
What I needed to accept was that I was never meant for her.
I was damaged and evil.
My soul was black and rotting. I’d snuffed out the lives of human beings without batting an eye. Whether I wanted to face it or not, I was scarred and broken. Certainly no good for her.
Demented Sons Series Volume One: Books 1-4 (Demented Sons MC Iowa) Page 13
